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Old 10-12-2012, 10:59 AM   #1
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Anyone conquer their knee-jerk reaction to yell?

I know I do a lot of "good" things when parenting, but when we're having bad discipline days or weeks, my yelling is just out of control. I definitely have temper issues, and I have never been the quiet type. But with a 4yo DS1, 2yo DS2 and taking care of DD, I feel like I've hit a yelling threshold. I'm so sick of yelling when they do something rotten or scary.

Anyone have similar experiences in their own personal life and have any encouragement to offer?

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Old 10-12-2012, 11:04 AM   #2
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Re: Anyone conquer their knee-jerk reaction to yell?

I come from a loud family. My mom yelled a lot. My Dad was quiet and he got through to me by reasoning with me about my bad behavior. That worked till I was a rowdy teen.

Anyway, I find that when I am just completely at my wit's end, I do yell. I often feel awful about it. I never curse at my kids and I NEVER EVER call them names (my cousin's parents would do this so sad) I've never done those two things, but I do yell when I am losing it.

When I notice I'm getting crazy with the yelling, I send the kids to their rooms and close their doors (they are older, and their rooms are safe) and I go outside on the front porch, or I do dishes, or I take a quick hot shower, or I go lay on my bad, bury my face in a pillow and cry. Sometimes I call DH if I am super overwhelmed and he is at work, and he helps me calm down. (he's calm and cool 99% of the time) If he's home, I look at him, tell him I need to go to the store for something, and I leave.

For me, getting time to collect myself and take some calming breaths, remember why I love my kids, the GOOD things about each of them that make me so proud, and the kind of mom I WANT to be, help me to get it together and go back with my game face on and re-approach the situation with a clear mind and a fresh perspective.
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Old 10-12-2012, 11:11 AM   #3
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Re: Anyone conquer their knee-jerk reaction to yell?

I do nothing but yell anymore it seems like. I hate it and feel like crap lately. I dont know how to get a handle on it. I dont call names, or insult, or talk down to them but I do yell at them when they do something they arent supposed to or for that matter dont do something they are supposed.
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Old 10-12-2012, 12:30 PM   #4
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Re: Anyone conquer their knee-jerk reaction to yell?

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Originally Posted by Kason's mommy View Post
I do nothing but yell anymore it seems like. I hate it and feel like crap lately. I dont know how to get a handle on it. I dont call names, or insult, or talk down to them but I do yell at them when they do something they arent supposed to or for that matter dont do something they are supposed.
I go through yelling phases. When it peaks, I start stopping everything else in life and focusing on my kids and family almost exclusively. However, I don't know how to kick the habit for good. I'm sick of doing well, then doing BAD, then well...etc...


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Originally Posted by Kiliki View Post
I come from a loud family. My mom yelled a lot. My Dad was quiet and he got through to me by reasoning with me about my bad behavior. That worked till I was a rowdy teen.

Anyway, I find that when I am just completely at my wit's end, I do yell. I often feel awful about it. I never curse at my kids and I NEVER EVER call them names (my cousin's parents would do this so sad) I've never done those two things, but I do yell when I am losing it.

When I notice I'm getting crazy with the yelling, I send the kids to their rooms and close their doors (they are older, and their rooms are safe) and I go outside on the front porch, or I do dishes, or I take a quick hot shower, or I go lay on my bad, bury my face in a pillow and cry. Sometimes I call DH if I am super overwhelmed and he is at work, and he helps me calm down. (he's calm and cool 99% of the time) If he's home, I look at him, tell him I need to go to the store for something, and I leave.

For me, getting time to collect myself and take some calming breaths, remember why I love my kids, the GOOD things about each of them that make me so proud, and the kind of mom I WANT to be, help me to get it together and go back with my game face on and re-approach the situation with a clear mind and a fresh perspective.
Good advice, Mama. Sometimes we need refreshers on what to do and tactics. Do you ever feel like you need too many breaks? I feel like I do. I feel like I should be able to manage my emotions without needing a break all the time.

My hubby is also a calm, cool kinda guy, except sometimes he yells at the kids too. Sometimes that gives me solace, just knowing that they drive him to yell too. I just wish I was a nicer, calmer person so my first instinct wasn't to yell and scream in a super mean way.
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Old 10-12-2012, 01:07 PM   #5
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Re: Anyone conquer their knee-jerk reaction to yell?

I go through phases too. Sometimes I feel like I'm yelling constantly, and I hate it. If you can force yourself to take 2 or 3 deep breaths before responding, it really helps. That's of course if it's not an immediate safety issue. I find when I'm stuck in a yelling rut what I really need is a Mommy's Day Out to recharge and rejuvenate.
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Old 10-12-2012, 01:12 PM   #6
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Re: Anyone conquer their knee-jerk reaction to yell?

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I go through phases too. Sometimes I feel like I'm yelling constantly, and I hate it. If you can force yourself to take 2 or 3 deep breaths before responding, it really helps. That's of course if it's not an immediate safety issue. I find when I'm stuck in a yelling rut what I really need is a Mommy's Day Out to recharge and rejuvenate.
Deal! Now to find a way to do that..

I didn't mention previously, but I don't insult or name call. Just tell them how bad they are being and how angry (incredulous!) Mommy is.
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Old 10-12-2012, 01:46 PM   #7
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Re: Anyone conquer their knee-jerk reaction to yell?

I yell, and when we turn the fans off, I realise the entire neighbourhood must have heard what I said letter by letter. And then I go shushing everyone. We live on the second floor and our voices easily carry down. DH has come home many times telling me at the door that he heard every word of what I was talking, as he was parking..........imagine the yelling.

DS1 drives me up against wall many evenings..esp'lly when he's grounded. And I end up yelling because sometimes, what I tell falls on deaf ears, its like he didnt hear a word of what I asked him to do or NOT do.
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Old 10-12-2012, 01:47 PM   #8
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Re: Anyone conquer their knee-jerk reaction to yell?

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Originally Posted by hollyecat View Post



Good advice, Mama. Sometimes we need refreshers on what to do and tactics. Do you ever feel like you need too many breaks? I feel like I do. I feel like I should be able to manage my emotions without needing a break all the time.

My hubby is also a calm, cool kinda guy, except sometimes he yells at the kids too. Sometimes that gives me solace, just knowing that they drive him to yell too. I just wish I was a nicer, calmer person so my first instinct wasn't to yell and scream in a super mean way.
I don't think it's an instinct, I think it's just kinda something we (moms who yell sometimes) picked up somewhere in life as a "coping mechanism" of sorts that becomes habit after a while. When I yell at my kids, I am SO IRRITATED with them that I just cannot collect myself enough to find a different way to communicate at the moment. The yelling tells them I mean business (when I'm not doing it too often) and it helps me relieve some stress. Not ideal, but I think this is why I personally do it.

I agree w/the poster who said to take 3 deep breaths and THEN respond. But that is easier said than done until you start making yourself do it.

Sometimes I'll close my eyes and leave the room and come back b/c I need to chill out before I respond to a bad situation .... like once my son dumped cat food all over the laundry room (he was sent in to put his dirty clothes in there and was taking too long) .... it was just the last thing I could take at the moment. I opened the door, he quickly stood up, said he was trying to feed the cat (he knew what he was doing was wrong - the cat has a food bowl). I was so upset, I closed the door and walked away and waited until I calmed down before I went back in and made him clean it up. Another thing I've done when I just want to scream, is pick them up, carry them to their bedroom, put them on their bed, say softly but sternly, "do NOT come out until I tell you." And then I leave the room and go tend to whatever mess was made or whatever was going on. Put myself back together and THEN address the situation.

I think it's a really hard habit to break, but you kinda just gotta do it. Like any other habit, it takes time to get over it, and you'll have good days and bad days.

Oh, and my DH is no saint when it comes to yelling at the kids. He DOES yell (but not name call or curse at them), but when he raises his voice, the kids know he is serious. He's calm almost all the time, but occasionally the kids do something that sends him reeling. ... Last time I heard him yell at a kid, we were in the car and my 5 yr old started hitting my 18 mo old in the head with her fist (in an "aw you're so cute" kind of way - but started laughing and continued when the baby was crying) and my DH was so upset and angry that she could have hurt the baby, he yelled at her, and then had to go for a walk. So he saves his crazy moments for seriously bad behavior.

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Originally Posted by hollyecat View Post
Deal! Now to find a way to do that..

I didn't mention previously, but I don't insult or name call. Just tell them how bad they are being and how angry (incredulous!) Mommy is.
I never thought you did.

I kind of think all parents yell at some point. There's no such thing as a perfect parent, we all just do our best!

Oh, and as far as taking "too many" breaks - I don't compare myself to anyone else or their family - and when you are a stay-at-home-mom, you can get burnt out by the pure monotony of the day, from having to police kids, and discipline them, and never get to go pee alone.

Some women have it all together all the time, and that's great for them (although I seriously doubt what I see in those situations), but I am not that way. I NEED "me" time. Even if it's just an hour grocery shopping, or a 30 min trip to Starbucks to grab a coffee and sit and sip for a bit. I can't be everything all the time, and I'm ok with that. My DH is too. He hardly ever makes me feel bad for needing to take some time away, and he encourages it. 9 times out of 10, I come home refreshed and chipper, ready to tackle any problems, happy to clean up, ready to make dinner, etc.

It's all about balance. You have to be balanced in your choices. Don't feel guilty for needing a break. You should be proud of yourself for knowing when you do!

Last edited by Kiliki; 10-12-2012 at 01:49 PM.
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Old 10-12-2012, 02:21 PM   #9
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Re: Anyone conquer their knee-jerk reaction to yell?

sometimes.

and sometimes I snap. and I feel bad.

just let the good outweigh the bad.
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Old 10-12-2012, 03:09 PM   #10
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Re: Anyone conquer their knee-jerk reaction to yell?

The main thing that has helped me is prayer. When I spent time in prayer each morning and ask God to give me patience and to help me not yell, things go a lot better. I can't seem to do it on my own. I spent years trying. It's still not always easy, but it is the thing that has helped the most.

If you are not one who prays, try making sure the rules are clear to the kids, follow through with consequences, and make sure they are getting plenty of one-on-one time with you and DH both, and make sure you are getting your own down time.
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