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Old 10-15-2012, 07:08 AM   #31
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Re: Freaking out! Please tell me this is normal.

So sorry, mama. Lots of us here have had losses, so we really know what you're going through. Keep yourself busy (not that it will make it easier), and just know it's NOTHING you did.

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Old 10-15-2012, 09:13 AM   #32
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Old 10-15-2012, 10:00 AM   #33
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Re: Freaking out! Please tell me this is normal.

So sorry for your loss!
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Old 10-15-2012, 11:04 AM   #34
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Re: Freaking out! Please tell me this is normal.

mama. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Physically, the worst should be over (for me, the cramping and feeling sick stops once I pass the sac).

for peace and comfort for you as you work through the emotional part of things.
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Old 10-15-2012, 01:03 PM   #35
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Re: Freaking out! Please tell me this is normal.

Losing a baby is so hard and emotional. You'll go through a period of grieving. What I found to be a comfort to me was naming the baby (I felt it was a boy so we picked a boy name). Planting a tree in memory of my baby (I was pregnant in the spring when all the apple trees were blossoming so we planted a crab apple tree) and getting a memorial bracelet. There's lots of infant memorial jewelry on etsy.
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Old 10-15-2012, 01:18 PM   #36
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Thank you all. I love the bracelet idea. I actually have a simple silver chain bracelet with a silver kidney bean on it. I'm gonna clean it up and put it on.

DH and I are trying to think of where to bury the remains. We don't want it at our house.
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Old 10-15-2012, 03:16 PM   #37
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Thank you all. I love the bracelet idea. I actually have a simple silver chain bracelet with a silver kidney bean on it. I'm gonna clean it up and put it on.

DH and I are trying to think of where to bury the remains. We don't want it at our house.
That's a great idea - the bean - I really like that.

I don't know if it's something you would want to do, but if you contacted a funeral home they may cremate the remains. That way you could have an urn or container at home and keep the remains with you.
If nothing else, it would give you more time to decide where you want to bury them.

I'm sorry mama. This stuff is so hard to deal with, all these additional things. With our early losses, we never had the remains. With Elli, obviously we did, and we chose to cremate her - her ashes are still here, on my dresser, until we can find a "forever home" and bury them.
The funeral home that we chose cremates all babies and infants at no charge. We didn't choose them because of that, though - we chose them because they accept all the remains of miscarriages, abortions, and any stillborn babies that are left for the hospital, and cremate them. Then they save all the ashes and spread them at a ceremony twice a year. We felt that if they cared enough to do this for all those babies, we wanted them to take care of our baby girl as well.
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Old 10-15-2012, 03:25 PM   #38
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Re: Freaking out! Please tell me this is normal.

I am so sorry
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Old 10-15-2012, 03:49 PM   #39
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Re: Freaking out! Please tell me this is normal.

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That's a great idea - the bean - I really like that.

I don't know if it's something you would want to do, but if you contacted a funeral home they may cremate the remains. That way you could have an urn or container at home and keep the remains with you.
If nothing else, it would give you more time to decide where you want to bury them.

I'm sorry mama. This stuff is so hard to deal with, all these additional things. With our early losses, we never had the remains. With Elli, obviously we did, and we chose to cremate her - her ashes are still here, on my dresser, until we can find a "forever home" and bury them.
The funeral home that we chose cremates all babies and infants at no charge. We didn't choose them because of that, though - we chose them because they accept all the remains of miscarriages, abortions, and any stillborn babies that are left for the hospital, and cremate them. Then they save all the ashes and spread them at a ceremony twice a year. We felt that if they cared enough to do this for all those babies, we wanted them to take care of our baby girl as well.
That is so sweet. I've heard that there's some places that have gardens where you can put the ashes of miscarried babies and have a little plaque put up and have a tree or shrub planted in memory. Miscarriages are so common but so little talked about. There really needs to be more ministry to comfort and help families going through or dealing with miscarriages. It's often hard on a marriage too as men don't seem to grieve the same, especially since they're not as connected to the baby as the mother carrying it is.
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Old 10-15-2012, 05:06 PM   #40
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That is so sweet. I've heard that there's some places that have gardens where you can put the ashes of miscarried babies and have a little plaque put up and have a tree or shrub planted in memory. Miscarriages are so common but so little talked about. There really needs to be more ministry to comfort and help families going through or dealing with miscarriages. It's often hard on a marriage too as men don't seem to grieve the same, especially since they're not as connected to the baby as the mother carrying it is.
Yes, there is one cemetary in the city (where we had Elli, and where the funeral home is) that donated a tended garden area where they spread the ashes. It's not personalized, but there is a plaque in memory of those lost babies there.
We may have chosen to spread Elli's ashes there, if we lived in the city, but we are 3 hours away. And, like I said, we don't know where we're going to be forever, and I don't know that I could leave here if we buried her ashes.

I totally agree with you about the dads and men. I know my DH didn't seem to grieve at the time of our losses, he worried over me and how I was getting through things, tried to be strong and hold everything together - but then when I was first pregnant with Elliana, he couldn't even think about it until after I passed the point of all our early m/c.
This time it's been different again, and very hard for both of us.
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