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Old 10-15-2012, 12:01 PM   #1
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ADHD & Marriage...ahhh the noise!!

Ok mamas, I want to preface this post with a HUGE shout out to my awesome husband. He is amazing. I love him with every piece of my being...he is giving, kind, gentle, he's a genius, he's supportive....the list goes on.

We struggle in some ways because I am quite introverted and love quiet, calm and peaceful activity. Noise really bothers me.

My hubby is ADHD - he CONSTANTLY makes noise - clicking, tapping, jumping, singing, clapping - Hyper, fast, constant noise. I try to let it go, I really do. We live in a small space and there isn't anywhere I can go to be in a quiet place when I really need to be, so I am bombarded with noise all the time....

I don't want to nag him, I love him and want him to feel loved. But the constant activity and noise really really makes me anxious to the point where I am affected by this emotionally. It's not just an annoyance.

I have talked to him about it - probably daily for five years. He has a hard time controlling it, soooooo

WHAT DO I DO? What can we do as a couple?

I would really appreciate any suggestions from people who are in an ADHD marriage or can share a similar situation.

Thanks!!

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Old 10-15-2012, 12:19 PM   #2
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Re: ADHD & Marriage...ahhh the noise!!

I am ADHD. I only recently discovered how much some of my symptoms bother him. i have no advice for you other making him aware how much certain things bother you- pick one or 2 things that bother you most or pick something specific you need from him. A lot isn't in his control, but some of it is. We actually went to counseling for other stuff and it was only in counseling that dh opened up about some of the stuff that bothered him. Served 2 purposes for us- 1. he didn't realize that some of my issues were ADHD symptoms. That has helped him chill out a little (that doesn't appear to be your problem though). And 2. I learned the things that bothered him the most. he gave me a couple of specific things that really bothered him. So I rather then doing the impossible of controlling all and failing I can work on controlling the 2 behaviors that bother him the most. For him- its me never completing a thought or running circles before I get to the point and background noise. I NEED background noise the tv is on 18 hours out of the day and it drives him crazy. He can't stand the tv being on with no one actually watching it. So I have started putting it on music instead or at least not having it on shows he absolutely hates. And I am working very hard on trying to complete a thought when speaking to him. He does know that most of the time that is me thinking out loud so he is trying to be more understanding while I am trying to hold in until I can get it all out in one thought.

He also gets pretty annoyed at my constant motion. but that is not something I can really control and honestly I don't want to. I can get 3 times the work done when I am in zone. Both of our biggest issues with it is that I get injured a lot because I am always moving so fast and impulsive. He is taking the good (the amount of busy work I can get done is insane) with the bad (the injuries).
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Old 10-15-2012, 12:20 PM   #3
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Re: ADHD & Marriage...ahhh the noise!!

Has he seen a therapist specializing in ADD/ADHD? I would start from there if not; aside from going to the medication route, at least things like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy may be beneficial long term and not having to increase dosage with ADD/ADHD medication where there can be serious side effects.

I have ADD (but caffeine turns me into an Energizer Bunny on crack). I'm sure you probably know this but cutting processed foods and food coloring (especially red & blue) is known to reduce the ADHD symptoms. Others include making sure he's getting enough nutrients if not supplement areas like Vitamin B6's and B12's (oral chewables seems better IMO), Omega 3 fish oil, L-Tryptophan, and getting enough sleep.

I guess there are so many ways to tackle this if you don't want to take the medication route; just using that energy for workout and keeping active so he's more exhausted towards the end of the day and just keeping the overall health in balance.

As far as the interaction between the couple is concerned, it may be beneficial to seek couples counseling on top as well; there could be number of things affecting the overall health including anxiety and other related problems that can trigger if not caused by the ADD/ADHD.
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Old 10-15-2012, 12:47 PM   #4
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Re: ADHD & Marriage...ahhh the noise!!

My DH has ADD (or ADHD? can't remember which). When we were dating he ate pure garbage. I'm not even joking when I say that he ate Burger King 10-12 times a week (everyday for Bfast, and a few times a week for lunch), and the rest of his food was Pop Tarts or Lunchables. I'm not kidding.

He could never, ever, ever sit still. He would RUN everywhere, laugh at nothing, make really weird jokes.... He was totally nuts and out of control. Still, I fell in love with him, cause I saw his heart more than his wacky ADD personality. He's awesome, and I'd never trade him for anything. (and I actually love a lot of his quirks )

Since we got married, and I started cooking/buying food, his diet totally changed, and he mellowed out a LOT. Now, we do a lot of activities together. We go for walks (he usually runs ahead or jumps or skips or jogs backwards), we take the kids bike riding (he chases them while I walk), oddly enough he loves fishing, but can't leave the bait in the water for very long before he reels it back in and re-casts it, or wants to find another spot to sit. LOL

We used to play scrabble and uno, or cribbage, and occasionally we still do. (usually at the end of the day, when he's more relaxed)

He's really into cerebral, thinking, highly focused type stuff. Whereas I'm bored to tears with that. He likes science shows and especially ones where they are blowing things up or smashing them (like SmashLab or Mythbusters). So I'll sit and suffer through a couple of those with him. (that's maybe more b/c he's a guy than his ADD...)

He also really wants to DO something most of the time, so all of the stuff I just mentioned that involves sitting calmly, is usually a few-and-far-between activity. When he's motivated to do something and there is nothing to do, I try to suggest something helpful... like "hey, hun, remember how DS ripped the towel bar out of the wall in the bathroom? How hard is that to fix?" Within 10 mins, he's headed to the store to buy putty and paint and fix it. Or "Hey babe, is the garbage pick up tomorrow?" And there he goes, off taking out the trash. Sometimes he just needs something to DO and he's antsy and it's like having another kid in the kitchen with me. LOL.

When he's focused, he's REALLY focused. Like, once he took our whole keyboard apart and cleaned the entire thing with a toothbrush and toothpicks. And then put it all back together. (I'm talking about taking every button off the keyboard, and then removing all the screws and pulling the entire thing apart!) It took him, like 3 hours, and he was totally "in the zone" that whole time.

Maybe you could try some of this with your DH? Could you two go for walks together? Or even runs? Could you find an activity you both like? (like rock wall climbing? fishing? etc) How is his diet? Could that be affecting him? What types of things does he find intriguing and interesting? Could you encourage him to spend a little time each day on a hobby? (that way, you could get some quiet time, and he would get to focus on something himself) Could he try doing something else, like chewing gum - rather than, say, tapping his foot? He's still be moving, but it wouldn't be as annoying...

I hope you guys find something that works.

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Old 10-15-2012, 01:25 PM   #5
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Re: ADHD & Marriage...ahhh the noise!!

My DH has ADD, so he's not hyper or noisy but he's very spacey and has trouble remembering things and completely tasks without distraction. It's really hard some days. He's never tried medication, but he definitely functions and concentrates better with coffe - it may or may not be a good thing with ADHD though. But really, the caffiene works as medication for him. Just like ritalin would speed up a person without ADD/ADHD, and it calms people with. Other than that, making lists and having a day scheduler, along with reminders..(some nagging )
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Old 10-15-2012, 01:26 PM   #6
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Re: ADHD & Marriage...ahhh the noise!!

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Originally Posted by jbug_4 View Post
I am ADHD. I only recently discovered how much some of my symptoms bother him. i have no advice for you other making him aware how much certain things bother you- pick one or 2 things that bother you most or pick something specific you need from him. A lot isn't in his control, but some of it is. We actually went to counseling for other stuff and it was only in counseling that dh opened up about some of the stuff that bothered him. Served 2 purposes for us- 1. he didn't realize that some of my issues were ADHD symptoms. That has helped him chill out a little (that doesn't appear to be your problem though). And 2. I learned the things that bothered him the most. he gave me a couple of specific things that really bothered him. So I rather then doing the impossible of controlling all and failing I can work on controlling the 2 behaviors that bother him the most. For him- its me never completing a thought or running circles before I get to the point and background noise. I NEED background noise the tv is on 18 hours out of the day and it drives him crazy. He can't stand the tv being on with no one actually watching it. So I have started putting it on music instead or at least not having it on shows he absolutely hates. And I am working very hard on trying to complete a thought when speaking to him. He does know that most of the time that is me thinking out loud so he is trying to be more understanding while I am trying to hold in until I can get it all out in one thought.

He also gets pretty annoyed at my constant motion. but that is not something I can really control and honestly I don't want to. I can get 3 times the work done when I am in zone. Both of our biggest issues with it is that I get injured a lot because I am always moving so fast and impulsive. He is taking the good (the amount of busy work I can get done is insane) with the bad (the injuries).
I like that suggestion - pick 2 things. Maybe he could choose 2 things about me that I can work on too...background noise drives me bonkers! Haha, sometimes the TV, you tube, dishwasher, washing machine and his own noises are all on at once...I have no idea how he can think, but then again he has no idea how I can think with pure quiet!
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Old 10-15-2012, 01:28 PM   #7
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Re: ADHD & Marriage...ahhh the noise!!

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Originally Posted by bigmamakelsey View Post
My DH has ADD, so he's not hyper or noisy but he's very spacey and has trouble remembering things and completely tasks without distraction. It's really hard some days. He's never tried medication, but he definitely functions and concentrates better with coffe - it may or may not be a good thing with ADHD though. But really, the caffiene works as medication for him. Just like ritalin would speed up a person without ADD/ADHD, and it calms people with. Other than that, making lists and having a day scheduler, along with reminders..(some nagging )
These things apply for my DH too...

He's not tried meds, and I generally would say no to meds - but maybe it's a good idea? IDK how I feel about that.

Caffeine - would make sense as it would help to stimulate the brain and lessen the need to seek stimulation...thanks!
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Old 10-15-2012, 01:30 PM   #8
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Re: ADHD & Marriage...ahhh the noise!!

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Originally Posted by Kiliki View Post
My DH has ADD (or ADHD? can't remember which). When we were dating he ate pure garbage. I'm not even joking when I say that he ate Burger King 10-12 times a week (everyday for Bfast, and a few times a week for lunch), and the rest of his food was Pop Tarts or Lunchables. I'm not kidding.

He could never, ever, ever sit still. He would RUN everywhere, laugh at nothing, make really weird jokes.... He was totally nuts and out of control. Still, I fell in love with him, cause I saw his heart more than his wacky ADD personality. He's awesome, and I'd never trade him for anything. (and I actually love a lot of his quirks )

Since we got married, and I started cooking/buying food, his diet totally changed, and he mellowed out a LOT. Now, we do a lot of activities together. We go for walks (he usually runs ahead or jumps or skips or jogs backwards), we take the kids bike riding (he chases them while I walk), oddly enough he loves fishing, but can't leave the bait in the water for very long before he reels it back in and re-casts it, or wants to find another spot to sit. LOL

We used to play scrabble and uno, or cribbage, and occasionally we still do. (usually at the end of the day, when he's more relaxed)

He's really into cerebral, thinking, highly focused type stuff. Whereas I'm bored to tears with that. He likes science shows and especially ones where they are blowing things up or smashing them (like SmashLab or Mythbusters). So I'll sit and suffer through a couple of those with him. (that's maybe more b/c he's a guy than his ADD...)

He also really wants to DO something most of the time, so all of the stuff I just mentioned that involves sitting calmly, is usually a few-and-far-between activity. When he's motivated to do something and there is nothing to do, I try to suggest something helpful... like "hey, hun, remember how DS ripped the towel bar out of the wall in the bathroom? How hard is that to fix?" Within 10 mins, he's headed to the store to buy putty and paint and fix it. Or "Hey babe, is the garbage pick up tomorrow?" And there he goes, off taking out the trash. Sometimes he just needs something to DO and he's antsy and it's like having another kid in the kitchen with me. LOL.

When he's focused, he's REALLY focused. Like, once he took our whole keyboard apart and cleaned the entire thing with a toothbrush and toothpicks. And then put it all back together. (I'm talking about taking every button off the keyboard, and then removing all the screws and pulling the entire thing apart!) It took him, like 3 hours, and he was totally "in the zone" that whole time.

Maybe you could try some of this with your DH? Could you two go for walks together? Or even runs? Could you find an activity you both like? (like rock wall climbing? fishing? etc) How is his diet? Could that be affecting him? What types of things does he find intriguing and interesting? Could you encourage him to spend a little time each day on a hobby? (that way, you could get some quiet time, and he would get to focus on something himself) Could he try doing something else, like chewing gum - rather than, say, tapping his foot? He's still be moving, but it wouldn't be as annoying...

I hope you guys find something that works.

YEP - this is him! Runs, jumps, air boxes everywhere! He works out 7x a week, and if he doesn't, yikes.

Our diet is really good. But I'll keep on that!
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Old 10-15-2012, 01:35 PM   #9
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Re: ADHD & Marriage...ahhh the noise!!

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Originally Posted by bigmamakelsey View Post
My DH has ADD, so he's not hyper or noisy but he's very spacey and has trouble remembering things and completely tasks without distraction. It's really hard some days. He's never tried medication, but he definitely functions and concentrates better with coffe - it may or may not be a good thing with ADHD though. But really, the caffiene works as medication for him. Just like ritalin would speed up a person without ADD/ADHD, and it calms people with. Other than that, making lists and having a day scheduler, along with reminders..(some nagging )
Maybe its a beautiful, long-haired husband thing? We live this very situation here. We have Cozi calendar on our iphones and that really helps. The calendar shows on everyone's computer and phone. He can add to the shopping list right when he thinks of it because he won't remember later, and we can create and add to his "to do" list from anywhere at anytime. Seriously, he has to have it recorded or it won't get done. He has improved immensely with lots of "training" and encouragement. I do text him the reminder to check his list sometimes. That way he can't growl at me for nagging and get into strife, but he can complete his things. Thankfully, I'm a list maker and he needs a list so its a match made in heaven :kiss:.

DH is a drummer so he "diddles" constantly. I hear you on the noise OP. I just say "honey" and he stops. He doesn't usually even realize that he was making racket! No need for a protracted conversation after 17 years together. He does it, he knows it bugs me, he just needs a heads up that he's doing it in the first place. GL OP!
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Old 10-15-2012, 03:33 PM   #10
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Re: ADHD & Marriage...ahhh the noise!!

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Originally Posted by diaperangel View Post
I like that suggestion - pick 2 things. Maybe he could choose 2 things about me that I can work on too...background noise drives me bonkers! Haha, sometimes the TV, you tube, dishwasher, washing machine and his own noises are all on at once...I have no idea how he can think, but then again he has no idea how I can think with pure quiet!
The noise helps him concentrate. the only way I can describe it is has a grounding effect. Without the noise I can not concentrate at all. I would wonder around lost trying to figure out what I am suppose to be doing. It is also very calming- makes no sense whats so ever but it is. I can not sit in quiet. I do like quiet at times, but if it is quiet I have to be moving. Sometimes the noise is the only thing that can slow me down- without it I look insane. Well I look insane a lot these days- I am that crazy lady talking to herself with hands flying all over the place in my car. One of my modifications to help me not bombard dh with unfinished thoughts. For some reason I have to speak out loud to get the point. Journaling doesn't work. So I have taken to talking to my self in the car so that I can work it out enough so that I can approach dh with a complete sentence. The things we do for the ones we love.
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