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Old 11-02-2012, 01:18 PM   #1
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Am I thinking into this to much? M/C advice?

So, for some background, I miscarried in May at about 8 wks. The baby didn't make it past 5-6 wks. I'm currently 26 wks pregnant. Other than a worrisome first trimester and VV everything has been good.
I'm having a hard time with certain questions like"How many children do you have?" Or "is this your first baby?". Including the miscarried baby this will be my 5th. I feel guilty talking like this is my 4th baby but don't want to go into the M/C everytime someone asks. I won't ever forget that I had a baby that didn't get to experience life with us.
And another issue I'm having is I had an idea to do Thing 1,2,&3 shirts with my kids and paint my belly Thing4 but again feeling not right about it.
Any other mamas experience this? What do you do? Will I always feel guilty about leaving my miscarried baby out?

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Old 11-02-2012, 01:29 PM   #2
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Re: Am I thinking into this to much? M/C advice?

I've had the same thoughts and issues. It's hard to hash out in our minds. I have one m/c, plus I've lost a twin with this past pregnancy. And, on top of that, I have lost embryos from our IVF/FET cycles. I know a lot of people don't consider those their children, but I do. I finally just realized that in this world, I have 6 children and I really don't want to go into the m/c, the twin loss and the embryos lost whenever anyone asks. So, we know we had more children, but we people ask how many we say the number of children we have here on earth, 6. But, sometimes it can sting and feel like we are leaving our others out because we feel like we *should* have more. Although, it gets easier with time. You'll have to see how you feel about it and just answer that way.
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Old 11-02-2012, 01:35 PM   #3
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Re: Am I thinking into this to much? M/C advice?

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Originally Posted by mommycass View Post
So, for some background, I miscarried in May at about 8 wks. The baby didn't make it past 5-6 wks. I'm currently 26 wks pregnant. Other than a worrisome first trimester and VV everything has been good.
I'm having a hard time with certain questions like"How many children do you have?" Or "is this your first baby?". Including the miscarried baby this will be my 5th. I feel guilty talking like this is my 4th baby but don't want to go into the M/C everytime someone asks. I won't ever forget that I had a baby that didn't get to experience life with us.
And another issue I'm having is I had an idea to do Thing 1,2,&3 shirts with my kids and paint my belly Thing4 but again feeling not right about it.
Any other mamas experience this? What do you do? Will I always feel guilty about leaving my miscarried baby out?
Mama, I know exactly what you are going through. I still have those same questions 5 years later. This is how I reasoned it out. When people ask me questions like, "How many children do you have." I answer 3 because that is how many I actually have here on Earth, which is really what the person is asking. Shortly after my miscarriage if someone would ask me that question I would say I have two children (at that time) one is in heaven. And it would just make for what was meant to be a happy question, now into a sad uncomfortable conversation. Plus I've gotten people who say that pregnancy didn't really count since I was only pregnant for about 7 weeks before my loss I have since stopped adding the part about having an angle baby and instead just give a sad little, "I miss you and I love you" to my little baby in heaven to myself. I think she can hear me.

The only time I now talk to people with that same question is when a care provider asks that question. They usually ask, "How many pregnancies have you had?" and follow it with, "How many children do you have." When they notice the discrepancy in the math there is only two options that could have happened to the missing child, miscarriage or abortion. I know it doesn't matter to them what happened but it does to me. I don't want anyone thinking that I aborted my very loved and very wanted little baby. In the grand scheme of things it's none of their business but it's just something I have to do IYKWIM.

I actually had a similar idea as your "thing" shirts when I was pregnant with my 3rd. I decided not to do it because it seemed like a disservice to my angle baby. But you do whatever you are comfortable with
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Old 11-02-2012, 01:57 PM   #4
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Re: Am I thinking into this to much? M/C advice?

this is hard. I had a very early miscarriage as well. In fact, I didn't even know I was pregnant and couldn't figure out what was going on and then 'ding!' it occured to me what was happening, I checked Dr. Google and all signs point to early miscarriage.

When I was filling out my paperwork for this baby, I had to list previous pregnancies. At first, I listed DD and the miscarriage, but over time, I started leaving it just at DD and this baby. When I talk to my OB, I've mentioned it, but it's not really relevant now that I'm past the initial appts, so it doesn't come up.

I won't forget that experience. I won't forget that baby. but, I also have peace with it and I feel like THIS baby was a gift due to that one. We had trouble concieving DD and they say you are extra fertile after a miscarriage, so since this baby came as an easy surprise, I assume it had to do with the m/c.

but I can't bring myself to join the chat group 'pregnancy after miscarriage'. I have all the big fears and I worry constantly that this time I'll have a late miscarriage. but, I don't know..

so, I don't know if that's helpful, but that's how I deal with it. When people ask me how many children I have, I say I have DD and this one we're expecting. And then I remember my loss. and I thank God for my 2 healthy babies. and I just go on.

I pray that everyone can have peace over their losses. But I've known women who have struggled very hard with it, so I know it's harder for some.
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Old 11-02-2012, 02:11 PM   #5
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Re: Am I thinking into this to much? M/C advice?

I had 2 mcs before my son. I think those were somehow easier to deal with than my last lost. I struggle as DD was a twin and the other baby was lost at 8 weeks. It was very hard for me to have confidence that she would survive. I constantly told my husband if something happened he had to pack up the baby stuff before I got home. I really struggled with depression while I was pregnant. I purchased a doppler to hear her heart beat. It saved my sanity.

I find it very hard to discuss. People don't know what to say. It gets awkward. I understand for the rest of the world that baby didn't exist... But she/he existed to me. I loved that child.
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Old 11-02-2012, 03:03 PM   #6
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Re: Am I thinking into this to much? M/C advice?

I know exactly what you mean. We've had 5 miscarriages, and our last baby was stillborn at 23 weeks.

Not many people know about the miscarriages, so those aren't mentioned unless it comes up in a conversation - I would certainly never hold my experiences with loss back from someone else dealing with loss and having questions of their own. I would share about them if asked.

But I have a very hard time dealing with the "how many kids do you have" question now. Most of the time I just say 4. Because I just don't want to share about losing Elli with every stupid person out there who thinks it's their right to know everything.
When the kids are around, though, they always include her, and there have been many times when I include her as well "4 kids, and we also lost a baby girl this year".

I always feel guilty to not mention her. But, like I said, I just don't like explaining it to random strangers - who only ask how many kids we have because they see the 4 and think they're "such a handful"
Handful? I'd take all 6 of my lost babies here with us, if it meant we didn't have to lose any.
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Old 11-02-2012, 03:54 PM   #7
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Re: Am I thinking into this to much? M/C advice?

This is such a tough subject! I had a late MC last summer at 17 weeks. Now when people ask me what number child this is, I too struggle with how to answer. I usually just say 4, but my hubby ALWAYS says 5 and then I see people counting the children with us. I tried having a conversation with him about how awkward and even painful it is to have to explain that we lost a son, but he didn't understand. He sees most things as black and white and to him this is our 5th child. I still say 4th to keep the conversation flowing but it is with a degree of guilt. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer for this. It comes down to how much explaining or questioning looks you want to deal with.
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Old 11-02-2012, 04:05 PM   #8
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Re: Am I thinking into this to much? M/C advice?

This is my 4th pregnancy, 3rd baby. Sometimes I say that, othertimes I don't. It really depends on if I want to mention it or not. I use to wear a necklace that had 3 charms on it. 1 for each of my kids including the m/c, but I stopped wearing it after having to explain it so many times. It's up to you momma.
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Old 11-02-2012, 04:15 PM   #9
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Re: Am I thinking into this to much? M/C advice?

I agree with the others. When people ask, I rarely mention the m/cs. Other than DH, most didn't even know we were pg. When people ask, they usually flip when I say that we are having our 7th. I can only imagine the dirty looks if they really knew it was our 11th.
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Old 11-02-2012, 04:25 PM   #10
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Re: Am I thinking into this to much? M/C advice?

Thanks for your responses mamas! I know its a tough subject for some. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this way sometimes. I think I'm going to pass on the "thing" idea. I just dont feel good about it but I'll think of another idea.
I'll have to test out different responses for the how many questions. I think it'll depend on how I feel at the moment.
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