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Old 11-04-2012, 06:46 AM   #1
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Pregnant after loss and hurt by reaction...

I found out I was pregnant again yesterday after a loss 2 months ago. My husbands reaction was more like a sarcastic "hooray" because apparently being pregnant in theory is a great idea but in reality....well thats different. First off I don't see how there could be any form of shock in my telling him this because we have never used BC and we started trying right away after the loss. Then he told me to go to the doctor to make sure there was nothing "remaining" from my loss. His initial reaction to all 4 of our pregnancies has gone down pretty much the same way. Given a few days he will be the beaming father to be again but I was hurt none the less. We have gone through is enough times that he knows his reactions hurt me. I was on the verge of tears after he said the timing of the last pregnancy was "disappointing" because we were in the middle of buying a house.

Fast forward. Couple of hours and I decided to tell my 2 closest friends. I emailed 1 and texted the other.... No response from either of them.

So on top of being incredibly anxious about getting to the doctor ASAP I have to be excited all by myself. This sucks....

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Old 11-04-2012, 06:57 AM   #2
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Re: Pregnant after loss and hurt by reaction...

Before anything else - congrats!

I have no idea why your friends wouldn't reply to you, either with congrats or just support, but I can understand your DH's reaction. Maybe not if it has always been like this, although even then, a pregnancy and another baby is a big life change, but certainly after a loss.
I have a very hard time being happy and excited about pregnancy myself, after our losses. This pregnancy has been even harder to deal and connect with.
My DH loves his babies, and he was always very excited about our pregnancies. But after our losses (we had 3 miscarriages before Levi, 2 miscarriages before Elliana, and then she was stillborn at 23 weeks) he has had a harder time being happy or excited about the pregnancy. The first times, we both could breathe easier and be happy after we got past 6 weeks (all our miscarriages have been at or before 6 weeks), but, again, this time is very different.
Anyways, I can understand him holding back and not being excited. Neither DH or I were excited this time. Just terrified. FWIW, most of the time I'm still not excited, only scared to death. DH is more excited than I am at this point.

I understand the anxiety about getting to the Dr - I haven't been in yet this time
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Old 11-04-2012, 06:57 AM   #3
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Re: Pregnant after loss and hurt by reaction...

double post, sorry
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Old 11-04-2012, 07:11 AM   #4
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Re: Pregnant after loss and hurt by reaction...

That is so exciting about your BFP We will hope that this is a HH9mo. I can't imagine having that sort of reaction from DH
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Old 11-04-2012, 07:24 AM   #5
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Re: Pregnant after loss and hurt by reaction...

CONGRATS! YAY!

The first time I got pg my partner said "Don't get excited because (some number he pulled out of his butt) of first pregnancies end in miscarriage." Really jerk? That is what you say to the girl you just knocked up?

We did miscarry and it was awful. This preg he doesn't want me to tell anyone, including our kids until we have an ultrasound to show that baby is growing well in there. I'd rather tell the world and hiding it makes it feel wrong.

Man can be such butts sometimes.
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Old 11-04-2012, 08:08 AM   #6
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Re: Pregnant after loss and hurt by reaction...

Congrats mama!

I am currently 26 wks preggo. My EDD and size of baby have all pointed to my M/C date being Date of Last period. My reaction was similar to your Dhs and my DH was super excited. I wasn't past the m/c and it was hard for me to be excited without worrying. I kinda felt emotionally disconnected. I can understand your Dhs reaction and also that it was hurtful. I think in time it will get better. Men usually go through a mentality change of how many people theyre going to need to provide for and how the new baby will effect life and family change. After the first trimester I told people and our kids. Kids were super excited! Most people were too. They just get Hung up on how many kids were having, etc..
Not sure why your friends wouldnt respond, especially if you all are close. That would frustrate me. Sometimes, I guess people may not know what to say:/ I hope they come around and provide you with the support and encouragement you need. God bless you and your little bean
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Old 11-04-2012, 08:09 AM   #7
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Re: Pregnant after loss and hurt by reaction...

DP

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Old 11-04-2012, 08:17 AM   #8
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Re: Pregnant after loss and hurt by reaction...

My husband is also slow to get excited....we've had 3 early losses. I even feel reserved at the beginning of pregnancy and sometimes longer until I know things are progressing well. He usually says something like "are you sure you are pregnant?" Which is hard to hear because my fear after early losses is that maybe it is a "chemical" pregnancy.

At any rate...I understand his feelings....some guys are better with expressing it and others don't do such a good job. Try not to take it personally. Men have a different reaction to loss and fears surrounding a new pregnancy...it will sink in eventually and I'm sure he'll be thrilled in the end

Congrats! Sorry your friends didn't respond! Maybe the texts didn't go through? I hope they get excited soon...or show their support. Otherwise, I'd be finding new friends

Also...I've found that having people excited on diaperswappers is helpful at the beginning of a pregnancy when there are few people to tell in real life....feel free to join our pregnancy after loss group if you haven't done so already!
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Old 11-05-2012, 03:00 PM   #9
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Re: Pregnant after loss and hurt by reaction...

Men grieve too when there is a loss, and maybe holding back on excitment is one way he does it. I had a loss with my first and when we got pregnant again (planned by that) my DH wasn't sure how to react. He really didn't want to get his hopes up until further along.
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Old 11-05-2012, 03:21 PM   #10
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Re: Pregnant after loss and hurt by reaction...

Quote:
Originally Posted by JennTheMomma View Post
Men grieve too when there is a loss, and maybe holding back on excitment is one way he does it. I had a loss with my first and when we got pregnant again (planned by that) my DH wasn't sure how to react. He really didn't want to get his hopes up until further along.
exactly.
I actually didn't realize how much our miscarriages affected and scared my DH until we were dealing with the pregnancies that came after. He tried so hard to be strong and carry me through everything, I don't think he gave himself the time or chance to grieve and heal.
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