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Old 11-20-2012, 08:59 AM   #61
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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Originally Posted by jacquelinemarie82
I find it completely off balance in the Christian world with all this focus (books, seminars, sermons, comments, expectations, etc) being put on the women to give attention or whatever you want to call it to the men. The Bible DOES say that men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church....which is a stronger commandment I believe than anything given to the women. Where is the emphasis on the Christian men doing their part??? Yes, I know there are quality Christian guys out there that are great husbands and fathers or at least try to be and try to love their wives. However, I don't see nearly as many of them seeking any type of advice or training or it even being offered. Never heard of a group or seminar or class where tips on being a great husband were the focus of the meeting. Men don't seem to care as much about this yet women are supposed to be fluffing pillows and making sure intimate needs are met? even right after birth? even right after a c-section, preemie, multiples, unhealthy newborn? even when the mother is exhausted and just had a watermelon come out her v-jay-jay and then has to return home in a couple of days to do everything she did before PLUS add on a recovery and newborn and all that goes with caring for a newborn.... time for the guys to step it up and not wait around to be made a fuss over.... how about taking some pics of the birth and making something special for your wife? how about giving her a back rub and making her feel like an awesome mom? telling her she is special and thanking her for the care she provides for YOUR children all day?
Ditto to the bolded. I guess that's probably the part that irks me the most. I always see articles, Christian or not, telling women how to best put everyone else first. I never hear of people giving med advice on how to help out Mama after she's had a baby.

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Old 11-20-2012, 09:00 AM   #62
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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I can't highlight on the app, but I agree that we teach others how to treat us. I am "reaping the rewards" :S. I spoiled my husband greatly when we were first a couple then newliweds. That was 4 years of our relationship. I couldn't do it when DS1 was born as I had no help, even from Daddy. He was too busy watching internet pron, playing video games & spending every dime of what little he made. Love how placing pix of "fat wife" less than 60 days pp on the fridge for motivation! Woop woop ~

I taught my husband that I would make his coffee, rub his feet, clip his toenails, satisfy his needs, completely do everything for DSD when she was with us (4 days a week every week), forgive his indescretions etc...

I got no help when any of my kids were born. I bled bright red for 4+ weeks with each pregnancy because I had to do it all so he could still do whatever he wanted to do BECAUSE THIS WAS HOW I THOUGHT A GOOD WIFE BEHAVED. I did myself, my kids & esp my husband a huge disservice.

I should have put my foot down years ago but now 16 yrs later this is my life. I made my bed & now I get to sleep in it...

Jodie ~ wife & mama
This is my fear. I'm not saying don't appreciate your husband. I'm not saying he doesn't need to feel loved. But I think too often when we put too much focus on this at times when we should be focusing on our own health and well being (postpartum being one of them), we teach our husbands and our daughters that we are secondary, and that a man's needs and wants come before our happiness and well being. I think there is a reasonable amount of 'man-coddling', such as including him in baby care, letting him bond with baby, making sure you tell him you love him, and still give some physical affection and praise (a kiss on the cheek, a hug, telling him how much you appreciate all he's done while you're recovering), but there is no way I'm going to make an effort to give you sexual gratification when I have six stitches up my you know what and I can't pee without crying because I just birthed OUR child. When I'm the one up every 2 hours nursing the baby because you can't nurse. Should you completely 100% ignore and neglect your husband during this time? Of course not. But I don't feel you should have to go over the top to make him feel wanted either. Just my opinion.
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Old 11-20-2012, 09:03 AM   #63
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Awwww, hell nuuuuuh.

I just gave birth to seven pounds of screaming boob sucking goodness, and you want me to fluff pillows? Puh leeze.

If this gives me cubic zirconia status rather than rubies, that's fine.
This exactly! Well that's what my husband said as he read this thread after the article. I'm so glad I married a man who thinks that premise is ridiculous. He'd much rather take care of me since he knows how incredibly difficult it is taking care of our three and the house.
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Old 11-20-2012, 09:09 AM   #64
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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This in no way is any reflection of the love that I have for my husband, but I'm not going to go above and beyond to make him a happy camper when I've just produced a human being from my body.
Ditto!

I think my opinion of the article may make me sound like I don't give a crap about my husband, but in reality, I think he is the best man on the planet. In my regular life (ie. when I haven't just birthed a child) I do ridiculous things for him that would probably make a modern day feminist cringe. I LOVE cooking dinner every night for him after I work 9 hours, I like allowing him to relax and not worry about housework at all. I exert a foolish amount of effort in making sure he is happy before I am.

I just don't want to be expected to do all that right after having a baby...and the best part is, he didn't expect that. He was FABULOUS. When I was trying to "do it all" he was right behind me, demanding that I rest and not worry about cooking, cleaning, or grocery shopping.

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I can't remember a time anyone ever thanked me for changing my kids' diapers, their fathers included. Or when anyone did the majority of the things on that PP list. And guess what? I'm not crushed nor crying emo black tears in a corner.

If all it takes is 6w of being put after baby and mama sanity, to warp your entire world, my lessened attention isn't your biggest problem.

Why is it expected? I don't get it. Why should we have to feel as though we have to make up for taking care of a newborn? It's not something to be sorry for. So sorry to inconvenience you with my pesky habit of feeding, changing, engaging, keeping baby alive and all that. I know it's a bummer If anything WE should be being thanked for doing it and not going mad or hulk smashing someone/something along the way.

No, dear, you don't get to stick it in my bleeding, torn, raw, painful self that just birthed your child and carried on the family name. Not sorry. Your sexual WANTS (not needs, it isn't necessary, you don't die without it) aren't on my top priority list above BFing, eating, sleeping, surviving, etc. Not ashamed.

I hate the stigma. I really do. If I were a man I would be offended that so many women in the world think that men need to be coddled and made to feel extra super special just for existing and not running for the hills, and helping in ways that they should be anyway because it's their child, too. I would be annoyed someone thought so little of me that they would think I would put my sexual desires above my wife and child, or that I would find her going out of her way to do things to make me (the perfectly fine, not recovering, grown *** man) feel special rather than sleeping, taking a shower, healing, etc to be acceptable. No way, no how.

Appreciation is great. Fluffy bull crap is not. Sorry, all of this got me into ranty mode

Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using DS Forum
Very well said! I think we need to give our men more credit...
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Old 11-20-2012, 09:14 AM   #65
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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I just don't want to be expected to do all that right after having a baby...and the best part is, he didn't expect that.
But the impression I got from the article isn't that it's about men's EXPECTATIONS. I don't think that it was at all saying that guys EXPECT this kind of stuff.

The very beginning of the article says that they got lots of emails asking for ideas. So they provided what I read as a list of IDEAS. Not expectations, but ideas. As in-"Here, if you feel like you need to try to pay a little bit more attention to your spouse during that recovery time, here's a few ideas to try."
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Old 11-20-2012, 09:16 AM   #66
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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Am I reading this right? After baby comes, daddy feels threatened and insecure. Like those male hamsters who eat their young to enforce the whole alpha male ideal. Please don't tell me that if I don't do these things, I will come home to DH nibbling on our children.
Hahahahaha.....OMG. I about died when I read this.
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Old 11-20-2012, 09:27 AM   #67
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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Well, like I said, some of those ideas are creepy. But, sending pictures of the baby, and saying "We miss you" is perfectly reasonable. Besides, I didn't get where she said when the baby was just a week or so old. I assumed she meant for the next several years, not as soon as the baby is born.
She states at the beginning of the article that is to get your husband through that long 6 week wait before he can have sex with you again, so he doesn't feel neglected.

I think it's crazy. I agree with a PP, I'm glad I didn't marry an insecure little boy. When I had our first couple of babies I tried to keep up with everything and still be the perfect wife and my husband went along with me. I ended up worn out and depressed. With the last 2 I have focused on me and the baby because I think that is what we are designed to do. My other kids, my husband, they will still be there when I am fully recovered. They take care of me, they help and support me. It may sound selfish but in the end it's for the good of the whole family. Mama and baby are bonded, mama is rested and the new normal is established. And I found that my husband fully embraced this! He is helpful and treats me with honor and respect, he adores the baby and understands that my focus has to be the baby for a short time.

I have a feeling my husband would be creeped out by that article. If the exhausted new mom is running around wondering if she has to do everything and the dad is sitting around feeling neglected then maybe he should step up and get involved in his family's daily life.

My husband actually told me the other day that he used to think that the parent's relationship was always the most important thing but now he has realized that the most important thing right now is these few years we have with our children. I know if he were given the option of me sitting on the couch reading a story to the kids or me upstairs laying out his pj's then he would choose the kids. Of course we've been together for 13 years and we're pretty secure in our relationship, I could maybe see a younger more immature man who hasn't been married long getting jealous after the birth of their first child....so not the kind of man my husband is but I'm sure there are men like that out there. I still don't think the list is a good idea, I think the men need to grow up and be responsible and realize that now that they have chosen to have children they are going to have to learn to share and wait in line.
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Old 11-20-2012, 10:01 AM   #68
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

Like others here, I'm not interested in parenting a grown man. Now, I love my husband, so he will still get some affection, and after the first week I will start making meals and doing laundry again. It isn't as if he is made to sleep in the gutter for 6 whole weeks. The notion that a temporarily reduced amount of focus on him requires a f***** dog and pony show to help his widdle feelings is ABSURD.

My opinion is also informed by my great disdain for biblical literalism and fundamentalism.
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Old 11-20-2012, 10:07 AM   #69
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I think it is great. I care about my marriage even in times of adjustment. Choosing a few ways to show my hubby is no biggie. I probably won't be primping and wearing skimpy clothes (I'm bigger post delivery than when overdue ), but we try to have a lunch alone while he is on leave, and I try not to criticize his parenting. And I try to do a few other little things (allowing him a nap after a rough night, we have sex before 6 weeks, telling him I appreciate how awesome he is, etc). Easy peasy. My hubs is spectacular, and it doesn't take much energy to let him know that. But he is kind, patient, very awesome with even newbies, etc. He makes it easy to be grateful. Even when I'm hunched over from surgery and sleep-deprived.
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Old 11-20-2012, 10:22 AM   #70
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

Oh em gee. I am a staunch feminist, and this article freaked me out. Like some other posters said, some things are innocuous -- like going to bed at the same time, or making time together to watch movies. Those are excellent suggestions.

But anyone wants me -- with my torn up hoo-ha, gigantic painful boobs, and my screeching newborn -- to wear skimpy clothes and entertain my man so he won't loose interest ... or make a "daddy care package" ... that's insane.

It reminds me of the most recent episode of American Horror Story where Franka Potente has postpartum psychosis and the good doctor gives her a lobotomy so she can be a good wife and mom. Awesome.

That said, my husband is really selfless, and he's good with big transitions. I, not so much. He took great care of me when DS was born.
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