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Old 11-20-2012, 11:15 AM   #71
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

I think some of it is pretty crazy/creepy but I think I get the point, don't forget your husband. I see so many people complain when their husband is sick and not wanting to have to take care of a grown man, but at the same time we want to be taken care if the tables are turned. I kinda see it as a double standard.

I don't understand the insecurity thing, I guess some men may feel that way, but I can see some feeling left out and forgotten. I know I am guilty of doting on the newby, making sure big sis is getting attention, and asking DH to do all the stuff I don't feel like right then because I am recovering. DH is awesome right after we have a newborn, he literally does everything around the house. We are planning another lo soon and he even plans on taking 6 weeks paternity leave so I actually get some rest this time and he get s quality time with our lo's. I make it a point to thank him for picking up the slack (to be fair, he thanks me regularly for doing the normal housework I do.)

The article is pretty over the top, I agree, but I do think it is a nice little
reminder not to take him for granted.

FTR- nobody wants to see me in anything skimpy anytime in that first 6-8 weeks pp, I do good to bathe, let alone shave or any other "maintenance".

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Old 11-20-2012, 11:22 AM   #72
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I don't really see the big deal . If it wouldn't/doesn't work for your relationship, don't do it. But I know several couples who work like this... and both partners feel equally loved, respected, and appreciated. It works for them.

My husband thanks me almost every day for what I do (running the household, cooking, taking care of the kids and him, etc). And I need that expression of gratitude. It makes me feel like my contributions to the family are noticed, and appreciated. Because of that, I try to show/tell DH that I appreciate all he does for our family. I don't do nakey massages (like, ever, much less PP!), but I do other nice things for him. He doesn't require it or need it, but he likes it. And that doesn't make him a baby, or insecure, or domineering, or whatever else men have been called in this thread.
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Old 11-20-2012, 11:28 AM   #73
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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Originally Posted by s@hmommy View Post
I think some of it is pretty crazy/creepy but I think I get the point, don't forget your husband. I see so many people complain when their husband is sick and not wanting to have to take care of a grown man, but at the same time we want to be taken care if the tables are turned. I kinda see it as a double standard.
While I do think that some men are a little...dramarific...when they have a head cold I do not have a problem taking care of my husband when he really needs it. I was actually thinking of this exact thing a few minutes ago when I was in the shower. Last year my husband had a massively herniated disc that took a week to get a proper diagnosis and surgery. He was almost completely immobile and in constant terrible pain. During that time I did everything for him, and I mean everything like washing his hair while he was on his hands and knees in the shower and dumping his pee out of jugs. During that week, and his two week recovery after surgery, I never once felt like he should do something for me and I really doubt he had a single thought of "what can I do to make my wife not feel neglected while I'm stuck in bed unable to move". I was exhausted and run ragged from taking care of him and 5 children including a 5 month old but it was what was needed at the time and since I love him I put my needs aside and cared for him.

ETA: forgot my main point which is that I think most people would agree that in the above situation someone whining about feeling neglected or not having sex for 4-6 weeks (because really we know that's what it is about for most men) we would look at them like they are crazy for not considering what the sick person is going through and we would expect them to suck it up and be patient and caring.
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Old 11-20-2012, 11:31 AM   #74
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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I think it is great. I care about my marriage even in times of adjustment. Choosing a few ways to show my hubby is no biggie. I probably won't be primping and wearing skimpy clothes (I'm bigger post delivery than when overdue ), but we try to have a lunch alone while he is on leave, and I try not to criticize his parenting. And I try to do a few other little things (allowing him a nap after a rough night, we have sex before 6 weeks, telling him I appreciate how awesome he is, etc). Easy peasy. My hubs is spectacular, and it doesn't take much energy to let him know that. But he is kind, patient, very awesome with even newbies, etc. He makes it easy to be grateful. Even when I'm hunched over from surgery and sleep-deprived.
Those of us who don't really agree with this article ALSO care about our marriage, even in times of adjustment. We just realize that we married a grown man who can take responsibility for his own feelings, not a four year old child.
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Old 11-20-2012, 11:45 AM   #75
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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Originally Posted by Leah52 View Post
While I do think that some men are a little...dramarific...when they have a head cold I do not have a problem taking care of my husband when he really needs it. I was actually thinking of this exact thing a few minutes ago when I was in the shower. Last year my husband had a massively herniated disc that took a week to get a proper diagnosis and surgery. He was almost completely immobile and in constant terrible pain. During that time I did everything for him, and I mean everything like washing his hair while he was on his hands and knees in the shower and dumping his pee out of jugs. During that week, and his two week recovery after surgery, I never once felt like he should do something for me and I really doubt he had a single thought of "what can I do to make my wife not feel neglected while I'm stuck in bed unable to move". I was exhausted and run ragged from taking care of him and 5 children including a 5 month old but it was what was needed at the time and since I love him I put my needs aside and cared for him.
ETA: I would bet that your dh thanked you at some point or showed you he appreciated what you were doing, even if it was in some small way. And even if you didn't say it, I would guess there were times you couldn't wait for things to go back to your normal relationship with one another. Just because you don't go at it with "what do I need to do to make the other not feel this or that" in mind, doesn't mean your actions aren't caring for those exact feelings. It's nice to have someone around who is just genuinely thankful.

Unfortunately, I know a lot of people who are not quit as selfless of yourself. I see people constantly complaining on fb about not wanting to have to car for a sick dh. When I do stuff for dh (postpartum or otherwise) I don't really think about it, kwim? I just do things because he will appreciate it, and I am sure he never thinks I need to do anything for him, we just like to be there for each other. Some people need things spelled out, and I think that is what the article is about.

Maybe I am spoiled and can't see some mommas sides. I am very mobile and able bodied pretty much right after delivery (I had ds on a Wednesday evening and we moved into our new house that weekend, and yes, I help just like everyone else). A little sore, a little tired but not immobile. C-section's I can see needing more time. Expecting someone to wait on me for 6 weeks seems pretty far fetched and selfish. DH gets up with baby at night too, and lets me sneak in naps through the day. I want him to know I truly appreciate it.

Last edited by s@hmommy; 11-20-2012 at 11:55 AM.
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Old 11-20-2012, 01:00 PM   #76
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

Before I respond to quotes, let me say that my first instinct was to check the date on the article. I thought it was from the 1950s for real!

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Originally Posted by Urchin View Post
I am probably the most self-less ...

Sometimes I just feel like we treat our men like children who need to be coddled. They're grown and should be able to understand that "making them feel special" is not a top priority when baby comes.
Yip. And, I have to say that what might be a caring act in one person's opinion can be seen as condensing by the receiver.

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Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post
I dunno, I read it as-here's a list of ideas that lots of you have asked for. I didn't at all read it as-do these things to keep your man happy.
The fact that a list of how to keep my man happy is asked for before it is provided, does not make it less of a "how to make my man happy" list. It makes it worse. The answer to that question should have been: Are you sure he needs to be made happy? What makes you think he's unhappy? Did you talk to HIM to find out whether there is a need lacking? That would have been a much better response to: Hey, okay, keep him happy like this.


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Originally Posted by CaliRoll View Post
I'm curious if this works in reverse. For a man, is it God first, and then wife? Or is it God, self, and then wife? Because I'm pretty sure asking your wife to fluff your pillow not long after giving birth is pretty selfish. Same with expecting her to sacrifice sleep or perform sexual favors in those first few weeks post partum.

I have no problem with women who want to do these things for their DHs. I can't fathom DHs who would actually expect or demand it, though.
You know, a very religious man once told me that he has seen far too much of the following in his church:
Women = God #1, Husband #2, Children #3 etc.
Men = God #1, Job #2, Golf, drink, first born son, wife.

Goodness, do onto others is a far better biblical concept to follow.

Another anecdote of this attitude not working. She did it all. I think she read this list and tried it all. What did HE do? Criticize he body, asked why she isn't doing more core exercises and jogging, and stopped having sex with her. 3 years later they are getting a divorce.

I also can name stories of where a list like this has worked for a couple. My aunt and one of my cousins are prime examples of treating their husbands in these ways. They get back from the husbands as good as they get. It is sometimes almost funny to watch as they cannot do enough for each other. Mutual respect brought that about though, not a "how to please your guy" list.

The bottom line is: When he is not with you, no list like this will make him be WITH you. He is either in or he is out.

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Originally Posted by Sarahknavy View Post
But men(like women) have areas where they worry they are good enough, doing enough, smart enough.... And just because the way we are reaffirmed of our insecurities might be different then men, doesn't make them petty or ridiculous or selfish... It makes them humans with emotional needs.
A really insecure person won't even GET that the things on the list is meant to make him special. See above example of my friend. Here are some things she did:
- Booked surprise weekends at a hotels for them.
- Wrote letters and gave gifts from baby to daddy each birthday, father's day, Christmas, and sometimes just because.
- Special cakes, desserts, candle lit dinners etc.

What did he do? Gulp down the food and go on the laptop.
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Old 11-20-2012, 01:09 PM   #77
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

I don't see what people are so upset over.

I'm pretty sure a lot of men express their love through touch/sex. I'm nearly positive I've read studies on it. Do they NEED it? No. Of course not. But emotionally, they do suffer if they can't express their love in that way - regardless of the reason.

So it makes sense to me that during a period of time where BOTH people are adjusting to a new baby in the house, and the mother is doing most of the mothering, that the daddy, who can't breastfeed, maybe isn't always there when the mommy is to bond with the new baby, AND now cannot express his love physically to his wife ---- would start to feel left out, lonely, maybe even a little resentful and confused.

I would feel the same way if the tables were turned.

I think the suggestions were great IDEAS (which they were - just ideas) to help moms and dads adjust together, to show dads who might feel left out or inadequate that they are special and important too, and that your marriage is still important to you, even though things are changing.

I am home all day every day with my kids. Teaching, bathing, playing, cleaning, bonding with them. DH works outside the home 9 hrs/day M-F. When he comes home, he wants to spend time with our kids too. Typically, our house is tidy, and dinner is ready or being prepared when he comes home, and we are all excited to see him..

Having a new baby (in our family) means having a tired and cranky mommy, a dirty house, peanut butter and jelly for dinner most nights, and probably no clean dishes to eat off of. It's also true that no matter how hard DH tries, he can never manage the house like I can (probably with more practice he could, but he hasn't HAD to figure it out). So, when I've just given birth, and our house is trashed, and our older kids are attention starved and cranky, and DH comes home hungry (again), and then has to make dinner for everyone, and cannot seem to be able to clean as well as I can, or change a diaper as fast, or pick out clothes that match, or fold clothes right, or know what drawers they go into, or FIND *ANYTHING* he's looking for, and I'm snoozing, nursing a new baby...... and then he comes to bed and can't touch me b/c I'm touched out, or tired, or hormonal..... It totally makes sense to me that he would start to feel shut out and lost.

Obviously his emotional needs come second to our kid's needs - just by default. But that doesn't mean his emotional needs aren't important at all, or that I should just ignore them and he should just suck it up. Yes, I did just have a baby. Yes, I am tired. Yes, I am touched out. But I need him just as much as he needs me.
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Old 11-20-2012, 01:19 PM   #78
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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Originally Posted by s@hmommy View Post
ETA: I would bet that your dh thanked you at some point or showed you he appreciated what you were doing, even if it was in some small way. And even if you didn't say it, I would guess there were times you couldn't wait for things to go back to your normal relationship with one another. Just because you don't go at it with "what do I need to do to make the other not feel this or that" in mind, doesn't mean your actions aren't caring for those exact feelings. It's nice to have someone around who is just genuinely thankful.

Unfortunately, I know a lot of people who are not quit as selfless of yourself. I see people constantly complaining on fb about not wanting to have to car for a sick dh. When I do stuff for dh (postpartum or otherwise) I don't really think about it, kwim? I just do things because he will appreciate it, and I am sure he never thinks I need to do anything for him, we just like to be there for each other. Some people need things spelled out, and I think that is what the article is about.

Maybe I am spoiled and can't see some mommas sides. I am very mobile and able bodied pretty much right after delivery (I had ds on a Wednesday evening and we moved into our new house that weekend, and yes, I help just like everyone else). A little sore, a little tired but not immobile. C-section's I can see needing more time. Expecting someone to wait on me for 6 weeks seems pretty far fetched and selfish. DH gets up with baby at night too, and lets me sneak in naps through the day. I want him to know I truly appreciate it.
Lifting more than 15 pounds that soon after delivery was irresponsible of you and frankly, I'm quite upset that your DH allowed you to do this. Were the discharge instructions not conveyed to you in a manner in which you could understand?
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Old 11-20-2012, 01:23 PM   #79
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

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Lifting more than 15 pounds that soon after delivery was irresponsible of you and frankly, I'm quite upset that your DH allowed you to do this. Were the discharge instructions not conveyed to you in a manner in which you could understand?
Wow. I find this really condescending. I hope I'm mis-reading your tone.

I was never told not to lift 15+ lbs after birth. Ever. I'm pg with my 4th baby. I guess that could be important if a mama had a c/s??? I dunno.

Women all over the world have babies and then go back to work immediately. I kind of think that while moms need time to heal, they don't need to be told what NOT to do other than "if it hurts, you should stop" seems like a pretty good rule of thumb to me.

I've also lifted all kinds of heavy things during and immediately after pregnancy. Including but not limited to: my 30+ lb older kids who still need/want to be held by their mommy.
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Old 11-20-2012, 01:25 PM   #80
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Re: Are we stuck in the 1950's???

I think taking care of an ailing DH is very different from having to baby a fully functioning, healthy DH while you yourself are recovering.
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