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Old 12-06-2012, 02:50 PM   #11
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I despise when people invite themselves to things or show up uninvited. Nothing gets me mad faster.

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Old 12-06-2012, 03:12 PM   #12
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Re: Would it bother you if..

I think it's rude of anyone to assume it's ok to just announce when you will be visiting, and expect to stay with them at their house. Family included! At first I was thinking you meant inviting himself to their birthday, which I do think it should be assumed family can attend a grandchilds birthday (we are birthday party throwers though, so everyone in our family comes....).

And in addition to that, I would definitely be upset that the transportation issue means you are all stuck at home for a week or someone has to stay behind. That wouldn't fly with me! Is this a financial issue that he doesn't want to rent a car, or does he not realize that your car seats only enough for your family? Do you have a guest bedroom that he stays in or does he displace others while staying there? Does he chip in for groceries, etc?
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Old 12-06-2012, 03:12 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by HeatherlovesCDs
It wouldn't bother me at all. In our family, birthdays aren't meant to be spent with just your parents and siblings. It's a whole family thing. I struggle to not let it upset me when the grandparents schedule something around their birthday that ends up being a clear conflict or they just decide not to come because it's a long drive. But, that is how I grew up. We all celebrate birthdays and holidays. Everyone is always invited, even for an extended stay if they are from out of town. No one needs a formal invite for that kind of thing or for anything really.

I can see it being different though because he stays for a week. But, even so, in our family we wouldn't wait for an invite for a week long stay. We would call and say, "I want to come X week (whoever's b-day or Mother's/Father's Day or whatever) are you free that week?" We invite ourselves and we would assume if they were free it would be totally fine. And, in our family it would be totally fine.

My husband's family is a little different and sometimes it causes problems for us because we don't assume we need to actually formally invite them to things. Oops!!

Bottom line to me, I think it's what you are used to. Some people are going to agree with you that it's rude and others, like me, aren't.

As for not being able to go anywhere, I would tell him you are planning to do X and he needs to rent a car to come along if you don't have another car. I wouldn't let him not having a car and not having space stop me from going somewhere for my kid's b-day if that was what we wanted to do. Or, do something out of the house the week before or after.

Sorry he is upsetting you. Good luck!
You are totally right. And the thing is I probably wouldn't be mad if it was anyone else. When we lived w fil years ago he was very assuming about a lot of things and I saw him as intrusive into our lives. It's really just a problem I have w FIL that I don't exactly know how to define

Dh is saying the same thing about us being able to go out w her. I thought he wouldn't want to leave them but he's saying to just plan and let them know we dont have car space for everyone

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Old 12-06-2012, 03:17 PM   #14
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I told him we don't have car space and he said "that's ok we just won't go anywhere". :/

And no he doesn't chip in for groceries, or help prepare food while he's here. He expects full service on that. He does help w dishes, a lot. And doesn't displace anyone.

This time he invited Sil, who doesn't need much accommodation. Other times it was elderly women, and one time we had to buy a new mattress because we didn't have anywhere for her to sleep

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Old 12-06-2012, 03:20 PM   #15
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Re: Would it bother you if..

Nope, I never invite my family over for birthdays, they just come. The ONLY time I get incredibly annoyed is when they call me the day before or day of and tell me they're coming over....now. I don't just drop my plans for them, but they're driving far, so I have to make it work somehow with no notice....that' the only reason I get mad. And maybe I would at the uninvited guest? I would probably let him know that we only have space for one and/or he'll need to rent a car since ours wont fit him and we planned to go to x,y,z that week.
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Old 12-06-2012, 03:24 PM   #16
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Re: Would it bother you if..

Quote:
and he said "that's ok we just won't go anywhere". :/
I hope you told him that your family will be going out. And you would love for him to join you, that's why you're suggesting that he find transportation. I would clarify what "we" meant to him.
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Old 12-06-2012, 03:39 PM   #17
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I think he needs a rental car but other than that I think flying out for the kids birthday is wonderful. We just must be different but I wouldn't want to just be me, DH and the kids for a birthday. We always get together with extended family and do something fun. Either a party at home or we have done the zoo, old sturbridge village, aquarium, children's museum etc. it is usually my parents, our family and my sisters family of five. We all carpool in whatever cars fit best and bring a big picnic lunch with cake. I would be lonely without our family to celebrate with us.
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Old 12-06-2012, 03:41 PM   #18
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Re: Would it bother you if..

Yes I would be annoyed if any of my family members invited themselves to stay in my home for a week without asking. I would want my FIL at my children's birthday parties, but I really wouldn't want them to invite themselves to my home for a extended period of time.
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Old 12-06-2012, 03:48 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harmoni247

I hope you told him that your family will be going out. And you would love for him to join you, that's why you're suggesting that he find transportation. I would clarify what "we" meant to him.
I just brought up the fact that our car only seated us, by "we" I think he just assumed no one would go anywhere since the car won't hold 6

Now that I've talked to dh I will tell him well be taking Sil somewhere on that weekend.
I guess the bigger day w her will be the weekend before, but I still want to take her out at least for ice cream or something

Et clarify Sil is one of our nicknames for dd, not sis in law
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Old 12-06-2012, 03:50 PM   #20
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Re: Would it bother you if..

I think I would flat out tell him (or have DH tell him) that we are doing XY and Z on those days and he is going to need to rent a car. I have similar issues with my FIL, and have found I need to be direct and clear with him. I can't tell him not to visit, but I can say that when he does... This or that needs to happen. I usually tell DH and make him talk to his dad. That said, it means DH and I need to be on the same page.
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