Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-03-2013, 05:44 AM   #1
DalesWidda's Avatar
DalesWidda
Registered Users
Formerly: savmaralamommy
seller
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Delavan, WI
Posts: 5,885
My Mood:
need help with my daughter.

I know I've posted about my daughter in the past, but I am just at my wits end. Quick background; she is nine years old, has ADHD, SPD, and anxiety. She is medicated. We've gone everywhere imaginable for therapy. We've done behavorial therapy which she really doesn't need anymore as her behavior isn't really an issue. She's done occupational therapy for her SPD, and every therapist we've been to says she is very bright and well adjusted in spite of her "issues". Well there are some issues I am finding impossible to deal with.

#1: she is very "private". She get's extremely paranoid if I talk to her about anything remotely personal in public. Like if we are at the store after school, if I ask her how her day was she shoots me a look like "hello, mom, too personal!" She doesn't allow anyone to watch her do anything. When I homeschooled her she took an art class at our homeschool group. Every class she sat there and refused to draw. Then she would come home and do the assignment. We even sat her at her own table and she still would do nothing until she came home.

#2: She is a perfectionist to the point she makes herself cry. If she gets a bad grade at school it's the "end of the world". She will rip up her pictures or her schoolwork if she makes one itty bitty mistake and start over.

#3: She is super paranoid: she thinks everyone is talking about her all the time. She has a very difficult time socially. Unfortunately I think sometimes people ARE talking about her. She is very intuitive. She came home one day and said she walked up to sit by three schoolmates at lunch and they all suddenly stopped talking and looked uncomfortable. And people DO comment on her "uniqueness". A lot of times she is so intense that people (kids especially) are uncomfortable.

#4: She is very sensitive: This isn't always a problem but sometimes she is so sensitive that things bother her more than they should. Like the time her teacher had laryngitis and Mariah came home crying that her teacher was sick. She was very worried about her to the point it was affecting her. And it was just laryngitis! To be fair, this may stem from her stepfather's terminal illness.

#5: She says things that break my heart! She will tell me that she feels nobody loves her and that she hates having ADHD. She tells me her struggles and I don't know how to fix them. She wishes she was "normal" because she knows she is "different" from other kids. And she really is. When I go on field trips and things the other kids seem so bubbly and happy go lucky and seem like they don't have a care in the world. Then I look at my Mariah and it seems like she is carrying the world on her shoulders.

I just don't know how to help her. I know I can't "change" her but I feel like these issues continue to get worse and worse. She is like a little old lady in a kid's body. She is bright and smart and unique and I love her, but she is so hard on herself. I am afraid to even push her at times because if she isn't "perfect" she is so angry with herself.

Oh and yesterday was another example. We went to my friend's house to work on Mariah's pageant routines. My friend tried to add a couple of moves to her outfit of choice routine and Mariah practiced for about five minutes, then got so frustrated with herself that she wasn't getting it that she just shutdown. She was crying and refused to practice. I ended up learning the routine so I could work with her later. I think she doesn't want anybody else watching her unless it's "perfect" It's so frustrating.

Any suggestions? Outside help right now is just not happening as we haven't had much luck. I want to know how *I* can help her and help smooth out the stress at home. TIA

Advertisement

__________________
Tanya mama to three wonderful girls
DalesWidda is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 05:59 AM   #2
qsefthuko's Avatar
qsefthuko
Registered Users
sitesupporter
seller
seller
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 16,745
Re: need help with my daughter.

I wish I could help but I have no idea what you can do differently.
__________________
qsefthuko is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 06:07 AM   #3
Celeste's Avatar
Celeste
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,731
My Mood:
Re: need help with my daughter.

I'm so sorry she is having such a hard time. I'm sorry that you feel so helpless, too. Don't have any experience with this kind of thing, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt. Maybe you could set up some time to do things with her that she can't "mess up"...like going out for ice cream or a tea party. Maybe invite a friend of her choice. I think a group of girls can be difficult, even if they are normally nice girls on their own. I remember girls in my class being catty at that age, just for the heck of it. But when I invited just one of them over, it was completely different. Try taking family walks together and let her direct the conversation. Also, if the pageant thing is stressing her out, maybe she needs a little break. I know you've said your girls enjoy the stage, so I'm not saying quit pageants all together, but maybe just a break til you feel like it wouldn't stress her out as much.

I don't know if that's helpful or not, but Good luck!
__________________
: Blessed wife to Jon, homeschooling Mama to Ava Catherine (1-6-07), Faith Olivia (3-17-09) , and Eli David (11-30-10), my sweet little guy!
Celeste is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 06:10 AM   #4
DalesWidda's Avatar
DalesWidda
Registered Users
Formerly: savmaralamommy
seller
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Delavan, WI
Posts: 5,885
My Mood:
Re: need help with my daughter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celeste View Post
I'm so sorry she is having such a hard time. I'm sorry that you feel so helpless, too. Don't have any experience with this kind of thing, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt. Maybe you could set up some time to do things with her that she can't "mess up"...like going out for ice cream or a tea party. Maybe invite a friend of her choice. I think a group of girls can be difficult, even if they are normally nice girls on their own. I remember girls in my class being catty at that age, just for the heck of it. But when I invited just one of them over, it was completely different. Try taking family walks together and let her direct the conversation. Also, if the pageant thing is stressing her out, maybe she needs a little break. I know you've said your girls enjoy the stage, so I'm not saying quit pageants all together, but maybe just a break til you feel like it wouldn't stress her out as much.

I don't know if that's helpful or not, but Good luck!
Those are good ideas. Thank you. As far as pageants go, she hasn't done one since September and she really wanted to do it. That's why I'm so confused. It seems that once she has the routines down she is actually excited to get up there and do it. It has always puzzled me that she is willing to do a routine all by herself in front of a bunch of people. But hey, it seems to be her thing so I go with it. For the record, we only do low key, less stressful, natural pageants. I will talk to her about it again though. The girls also do community theater but we are taking a break for right now from that too.
__________________
Tanya mama to three wonderful girls
DalesWidda is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 07:00 AM   #5
Celeste's Avatar
Celeste
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,731
My Mood:
Re: need help with my daughter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DalesWidda View Post
Those are good ideas. Thank you. As far as pageants go, she hasn't done one since September and she really wanted to do it. That's why I'm so confused. It seems that once she has the routines down she is actually excited to get up there and do it. It has always puzzled me that she is willing to do a routine all by herself in front of a bunch of people. But hey, it seems to be her thing so I go with it. For the record, we only do low key, less stressful, natural pageants. I will talk to her about it again though. The girls also do community theater but we are taking a break for right now from that too.
I know you aren't a crazy pageant mom. I don't want you to think That I was picturing toddlers and tiaras or something...
__________________
: Blessed wife to Jon, homeschooling Mama to Ava Catherine (1-6-07), Faith Olivia (3-17-09) , and Eli David (11-30-10), my sweet little guy!
Celeste is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 07:14 AM   #6
DalesWidda's Avatar
DalesWidda
Registered Users
Formerly: savmaralamommy
seller
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Delavan, WI
Posts: 5,885
My Mood:
Re: need help with my daughter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celeste View Post
I know you aren't a crazy pageant mom. I don't want you to think That I was picturing toddlers and tiaras or something...
Thanks!
__________________
Tanya mama to three wonderful girls
DalesWidda is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 07:18 AM   #7
escapethevillage's Avatar
escapethevillage
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 8,351
My Mood:
Re: need help with my daughter.

At least you realize that her issues cause others to feel uncomfortable. That's a good step.

I have an online friend from facebook. We met on a private board about nostalgia. But, she's a lot younger than any of us, and she never really fit in on that board. She's extremely brilliant, but she thinks about a few things at a time, and nothing else. So, we could be talking about an old Scooby Doo cartoon, and she will try to change the subject to the language spoken in Transylvania. Then she'll be upset because nobody joined her conversations.

She has a real life boyfriend who is very much like her. Only he has a dry sense of humor. For instance, he took a shower, when he came out, she asked "Did you have a nice shower?" He said "Well, it didn't yell at me or anything, but I wouldn't call it nice". She didn't understand the joke, but he thought it was hilarious. (I thought it was too) She gets upset very easily by those things.

During the concert for Hurricane Sandy, someone posted on facebook "That sounded just like Keith Moon....then I looked up and it was Keith Moon" She Posted "WHO?" under that... we all clicked "like" because it was funny. (Because Keith Moon was from The WHO, and the WHO was playing) But, she didn't mean it to be funny...she wanted to know WHO? So, we laughed about that, and she was upset.

She knows everything that makes her different. But, she can't understand us, we can't understand her, and it hurts her feelings. We all TRY really hard to interact with her on her level, but her feelings still get hurt.

She learns all about the things that make her different, and tries really hard. She's very open about what makes her different. She's very black and white, yet extremely creative. She loves to learn new languages, and loves to learn to cook foods from her new favorite country. Yet, she's never traveled.

Her parents were very honest with her. "Kids will not understand you.. You will not understand them....some kids will be mean, some will be nice, but keep their distance...eventually you will find your niche and you will be happier, but it won't always be happy. Even those kids will be mean on occasion".

My own daughter is a SUPER GEEK. I mean, she oozes geek. So... even though I am Not a single thing like her, I became a Band Geek Mom. She found her niche in marching band. She loves Dr Who, and Harry Potter, and math and science. She is that kid in the library listening to a symphony on her Ipod while she reads science fiction instead of doing her homework. Then despite the fact that she never studied for even a moment, she goes to her college class and aces the test. She has very, very few friends. She doesn't make friends easily. As a child, I had to make friends for her, and make sure they got together to play. Otherwise, she'd just sit at home reading Harry Potter.

You may need to find her niche for her, and put her in it. Find her a few square pegs somewhere, and get them together. Stay with her at first so she feels comfortable, but back off when you see she can handle it.
__________________
escapethevillage is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 07:23 AM   #8
escapethevillage's Avatar
escapethevillage
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 8,351
My Mood:
Re: need help with my daughter.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/AS.../chrisficti-20

Also, I didn't see where you said she was diagnosed with aspergers...but, this book is about a husband/dad who set out to deal with his quirks. It's very funny and endearing. You might enjoy reading this yourself to gain some insight.
__________________
escapethevillage is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 07:26 AM   #9
MDever
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 6,873
My Mood:
Re: need help with my daughter.

It is so hard to watch your child suffer that way. I have a son with emotional/mental health concerns and it can be heartbreaking. I also grew up feeling very like your daughter as well as working in a program for like issues. My best advice is to help her understand her differences and keep telling her all day every day how amazing she is. She will balk and refuse the compliment but some of it will seep in there. I felt so different in my skin when I got a bit older (highschool) and embraced my weirdness. I call it waving my freak flag Learning to appreciate your unique self is a challenge for so many women. Our children look to us for lessons on how to negotiate the world and I bet if you felt better so would she I still struggle everyday with anxiety. My kids know that but they also see that I am a fighter and I will not let it rule our lives.
__________________
Just in case.
MDever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2013, 08:24 AM   #10
DalesWidda's Avatar
DalesWidda
Registered Users
Formerly: savmaralamommy
seller
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Delavan, WI
Posts: 5,885
My Mood:
Re: need help with my daughter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by escapethevillage View Post
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/AS.../chrisficti-20

Also, I didn't see where you said she was diagnosed with aspergers...but, this book is about a husband/dad who set out to deal with his quirks. It's very funny and endearing. You might enjoy reading this yourself to gain some insight.
No, she's not been diagnosed with aspergers, but honestly the thought has crossed my mind a few times. Maybe something to look further into. Although any more diagnosises probably will make her feel more "different"
__________________
Tanya mama to three wonderful girls
DalesWidda is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.