Dh using nursing as an excuse

[mommabritt]

Please tell me Im not alone...

My Dh is a great husband and father. He helps me when I ask, he doesn't complain hardly ever. There is one thing I cannot stand. When I am nursing, the nursing child can only ever be comforted by me. As in, baby is fussy and he doesn't do anything because 'she just wants you'. It's his cop-out.

Now, that may be so. I'm not saying its not true. But, she has been taught by him that he cannot (read: will not) comfort her when she is upset. I should mention, he isn't neglectful when she's hurt or needs to be held or whatever and they play fine when she's happy. It's just that when she is tired, crabby, crying-- just being an 18 month old-- he is very hands off. I will tell him I think he needs to try harder and he says no. It won't work. I've told him ideas and ways to comfort her and every time he actually does it, it works. I don't get why he won't listen to me. He will literally pick her up and stand there, doing nothing, and she will scream until I can get her. Let me say, I don't think I coddle her. I will not 'rescue' her from her father. He is more than capable of comforting her but because he doesn't try, she hasn't learned and she wants nothing to do with him when she's unhappy. I usually finish what I'm doing (dishes, laundry, etc) then take her and put her down for her nap or whatever but I don't interfere until I'm finished with my stuff.

I know it's normal for kiddos to have preferences sometimes. But it's frustrating to me that after four kids (and years of nursing) and all these years as a parent he is using this is an excuse to not have to work at figuring out her needs and how he can comfort her because it frustrates him. It's easier to hand her to me so he can watch tv.

Thanks for reading. I guess I'm just frustrated.

[kocho]

Interesting. If your child was bottlefed would he run and fix a bottle every time the little one cried? Not all crying means hungry. Though offerring the breast does seem to fix a lot. lol

[Tris]

I'm a little confused. Are you pumping as well and you want him to help feed her? Or do you mean in the duration you are nursing, (birth to a year or whatever) if the baby fusses you have to comfort her and he wont?

If its the first, communication will help. If its the latter, some confidence boosters may help, I know my H was a bit intimidated at first by a wailing baby.

[doulamomma]

My dh is the same way. I think part of it is him not feeling 100% comfortable with an itty bitty baby. He only does it for the first few months though

Sent from my droid

[mommabritt]

Posted the rest.

Originally Posted by kocho Interesting. If your child was bottlefed would he run and fix a bottle every time the little one cried? Not all crying means hungry. Though offerring the breast does seem to fix a lot. lol

Our only bottle fed baby was very scheduled bc of bad reflux, so no, he wasn't fed with every cry.
Yes, the boob does seem to carry some
Magical Crying Disappearing power.

Originally Posted by Tris I'm a little confused. Are you pumping as well and you want him to help feed her? Or do you mean in the duration you are nursing, (birth to a year or whatever) if the baby fusses you have to comfort her and he wont? If its the first, communication will help. If its the latter, some confidence boosters may help, I know my H was a bit intimidated at first by a wailing baby.

I don't pump, she nurses at the breast. I don't want to feed her every time she cries or asks, I'd never get off the couch. He knows this. He thinks that because she is nursing that's the ONLY way to comfort her, therefore....I have to comfort her.

Originally Posted by doulamomma My dh is the same way. I think part of it is him not feeling 100% comfortable with an itty bitty baby. He only does it for the first few months though Sent from my droid

Yeah...she's our fourth. He's very comfortable with a little one. As they get bigger and can throw little protests about who has them, he gets frustrated. Because she's still nursing, he genuinely believes she will not be comforted by anything but me. I feel it's an excuse to not have to pull his sleeves up and do the dirty work. How many items have we spent hours trying to learn how to comfort our kids when they've wailed? It's not fun, but we have to do it. I don't like that the 'she's nursing' is his excuse not to. Or it seems that way to me.

[l_Kimmie_l]

I get ya! He rather say her needing to nurse is the reason for needing you rather than trying non boob things first. At 18 mos I am sure crayons, bubbles, and many other non DH TV watching thing can get her happy.

[l_Kimmie_l]

I get ya! He rather say her needing to nurse is the reason for needing you rather than trying non boob things first. At 18 mos I am sure crayons, bubbles, and many other non DH TV watching thing can get her happy.

[5littlesweeties]

Are you married to my dh lol? This is # 6 for us and he is the same way. He usually pats his chest and says "uh, I don't have breasts, he wants you" lol! I know it can be frustrating but I think he knows the most comfy place is snuggled with mama so he's just lazy to even try because he knows I can comfort him instantly.

[Adinanna'sMomma]

My DH always did the same thing with DD, and I suspect this around will be no different.

[waterisntsomething]

Yep yep yep! In the exact same boat. We recently had an argument about it. He takes the fact that we are anti-CIO to mean that if there is ANY way to stop DS's crying/fussing that is the route we should take. I pointed out that I leave him with MIL, SIL, etc..l all the time and at one point when he realizes I'm not there, yes, he fusses for a few minutes and then he's fine. I think he doesn't feel super confident about his ability to comforta DS but I also think he gets tired of constantly having to change task and redirect. He was like "you say it's so hard but you finished a whole class in a few days while watching him" yet he can't watch him through one tantrum w/out bringing him to me.