When would you put your kids in counseling?

[lil'mommakaye]

At what point would you feel counseling is the way to go with your Los?
Dh made a comment yesterday saying ds needs therapy because he was in his room throwing a fit about wanting to sleep on his couch instead of his bed. Dh refused to let him so ds was hollering from his room " you hate me, you don't love me! No one loves me!"
I went down and talked with him and he chilled out just fine, I did let him sleep on his couch, I didn't see the wrong in it, why bother fighting?
Dh got pissed and said he needs to see a counselor because he is depressed and because he is still talking about missing his sister Stella who died 2 years ago.
Ds is a sensitive little Taurus, he is bull headed and sensitive. I get that. He needs security And comfort ( dh doesn't understand this)
Dh told me once that ds said he wished he was dead so he could be with Stella, I have never heard this before and honestly figured it was Dh's attempt to make ME feel guilty for my grief,
He does this a lot actually. I think it may be a good idea to chat with a counselor once we get insurieence we can't afford it now so we wait. But I don't think ds has serious issues, not as bad as dh anyways.
What do you feel warrants counseling in children?
Should I be concerned?
He says he misses her often, and I tell him so do I and we hug.
I think he is just a sensitive guy.
Overly maybe, like myself, but manageable.

[nonipie]

I think therapy is almost always beneficial provided you find a good therapist. I don't think anyone needs to have serious issues or anything to make it valuable. Sounds like it would be good for all of you to work through the grief and find a way for the family to process and understand each other. But yes may individual for your son to help him not get swallowed up by his sensitive side.

[carriek38]

Counseling, as a practice, doesn't really necessitate that there be something "wrong" or pathologize emotions, thoughts, or behaviors...it is different than a lot of other mental health services in that way. I would go so far as to say that everyone who wants to could benefit from counseling, particularly as a vehicle for increased insight and self-expression.

The flipside to that is that most of us are dependent on insurance payment for any potential counseling, and that does usually require some level of maladjustment or pathology.

The short answer is that your son is really just getting to the age where he can verbalize a good majority of his thoughts & preferences & even a lot of his emotions. He has some pretty heavy baggage; the loss of a child is traumatic for a whole family. The single incident that you described and some of the thematic conversations you mentioned aren't terribly alarming. He could probably still benefit from counseling to process a loss that happened when he was too young to really understand, but which continues to affect him and his entire family. Certainly, getting him an initial appointment or an evaluation for something more supportive and less intrusive, like play therapy, would still be reasonable. You've posted before about struggling with your grief (no judgement there, just reflection), and it sounds like while your DH is dealing in a different way, he's still quite affected by Stella's death...I'd worry a little about the two of you triangulating your son & his place in this, as well as both of your ability to listen to & support your son in the way that he needs, not filtered through your own experiences of grief & seeing his needs through that lens.

I don't know if that makes any sense the way I explained it, but the short answer is I don't think there's really anything "wrong" with your son, but counseling can't hurt & might help.

[my2sweets]

A counselor would at least put your mind at ease and if they feel he would benefit frim counseling then that would be good too. I personally do not think he needs to see one just for not getting his way then throwing a fit and saying you hate him ect. That is typical behavior and Ive been going through it with dd1 for yrs. She is also a sensitive, stubborn kiddo.

Im not saying he isnt depressed or doesnt need help with dealing with the loss of his sister. Just saying that particular behavior wouldnt lead me to feel he needs help. Maybe dh is depressed and placing some of his 'problems' on ds or seeing more then whats really there(sorry crapping wording but hopefully that makes sense).

Maybe family therapy would 'diagnose' ds, help dh and you process what happened and how to help each other.

[momtojande]

I think there's no harm in trying it.

Originally Posted by lil'mommakaye At what point would you feel counseling is the way to go with your Los? Dh made a comment yesterday saying ds needs therapy because he was in his room throwing a fit about wanting to sleep on his couch instead of his bed. Dh refused to let him so ds was hollering from his room " you hate me, you don't love me! No one loves me!" I went down and talked with him and he chilled out just fine, I did let him sleep on his couch, I didn't see the wrong in it, why bother fighting?

Just a word of caution, because this is really familiar to me. DD is one who will do a very tragic "nobody loves me" act. I try very hard not to give in when she does it, because I'm worried that rewarding that will encourage more of it. And I definitely don't want her to equate "love" with "getting what I want".

[ssand23]

I'm not sure what your income is but in the past I was able to set up counseling through a local hospital's outpatient mental health dept but applying for their charity care program.

Another option could be speaking with your pedi dr and tell them what you said here. They could give you more advice on whether therapy could be helpful or not necessary.

I do have 1 of my children in therapy. She sees a sand play therapist and it has been very helpful. When my ex & I split 10 years ago, I sent my oldest 2 children to therapy then as well for about 18 months. It was a huge help for them to deal with things but also offered me a lot of helpful suggestions on things I could be doing, too.

[meeshkasheeba]

I think in a situation like this everyone in the family may benefit from greif counseling. Your son needs someone that specializes in children, but you as a family group may benefit from someone that deals with families often.

[mibarra]

If there hadn't been a family tragedy, I might chalk it up to normal kiddo drama. But with the loss of his sister, I think it might benefit all of you to maybe at least try it out.

Generally I think counseling is warranted when there is a family tragedy I'm not sure how to deal with, behaviors I can't deal with effectively, or my child says/does something that genuinely scares me for their safety/well being.

[NotLad]

Originally Posted by meeshkasheeba I think in a situation like this everyone in the family may benefit from greif counseling. Your son needs someone that specializes in children, but you as a family group may benefit from someone that deals with families often.

I agree with this.

[elioraimmanuel]

Two of my 4 have gone through this..."you hate me." We don't hate them. We make that clear. We also make it clear that temper tantrums Do Not result in getting your way.

My eldest is 16 and she freely admits that not allowing this type of behavior was the right thing to do, that she was being a brat and our firm love is what benefited. her.

If DH tells a child, "No!" then, it's no. Regardless, of whether I think it's fair. DH is respected and if he over-reacts, he will have to admit he is wrong and rectify. DH respects me as well. If our children get an unsatifactory answer and go to another parent...there are consequences. I don't do manipulation! I will not have my children playing one parent against the other.

Temper tantrums result in extra jobs/chores....keep it up, you'll lose privileges, toys, dessert...I can keep going if you like!