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Old 01-17-2013, 11:14 AM   #1
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How do you know if you are finished?

My husband and I have two beautiful kids together, a boy and a girl 4 and 1. I also have a daughter from a past relationship who is 9, but she spends most of her time with her dad after a nasty custody battle and divorce when I was very young. So by law, we have two children who live with us. We have started talking about the decision of whether or not we want to have another child and it has become very difficult. Financially we are able to afford another child, but selfish reasons always get in the way and become excuses to not have any more. In my heart I feel like we would like to have another baby, but then again I never thought or planned to have 4 children, but I also never planned for things to go the way they did when I was younger. How did you decide? What was it that made you know you were finished or how many children you would like to have? Apart from financially, which has always been a consideration for us, how did you decide? My husband and I are pretty laid back and take things day by day so discussion about the number of children we want is new for us because we always knew without any question we wanted at least two.

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Old 01-17-2013, 11:28 AM   #2
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Is there any chance that changing your custody situation with your oldest dd and spending more time with her in your home and with the rest if your family would fill that desire for you? Or are you wanting to have a new baby?

I'm not saying don't have another child, but I guess if your kinda longing for one and not really sure at the same time, you could seek a greater relationship with her in the mean time. I'm one who doesn't like to jump in to babies with a 'if it happens, it happens' kwim? When you know, you know.

Of course, I don't know the situation so I may be off base. Please don't take offense to my suggestion.
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Old 01-17-2013, 12:02 PM   #3
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Re: How do you know if you are finished?

I just knew I was done after DS4. It was enough. We have our hands full and I do not get that newborn baby lust I used to after DS3. I have no desire to deal with all the things having a new baby entitles. I am ready for my boys to grow and move into a new phase of raising children.

If their is the though you might want another, I say have one. I love that we ultimately decided for #4. He is a great baby and a lot of fun. He completed our family.
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Old 01-17-2013, 12:11 PM   #4
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Re: How do you know if you are finished?

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I just knew I was done after DS4. It was enough. We have our hands full and I do not get that newborn baby lust I used to after DS3. I have no desire to deal with all the things having a new baby entitles. I am ready for my boys to grow and move into a new phase of raising children.

If their is the though you might want another, I say have one. I love that we ultimately decided for #4. He is a great baby and a lot of fun. He completed our family.
this is us too. Add in that I had compications after my delivery that the doctors advised me not to have more and we are super duper done!
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Old 01-17-2013, 12:57 PM   #5
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Re: How do you know if you are finished?

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Is there any chance that changing your custody situation with your oldest dd and spending more time with her in your home and with the rest if your family would fill that desire for you? Or are you wanting to have a new baby?

I'm not saying don't have another child, but I guess if your kinda longing for one and not really sure at the same time, you could seek a greater relationship with her in the mean time. I'm one who doesn't like to jump in to babies with a 'if it happens, it happens' kwim? When you know, you know.

Of course, I don't know the situation so I may be off base. Please don't take offense to my suggestion.
I have a wonderful relationship with my oldest and after$20,000 and three custody hearings later someone had to make an adult decision. My oldest is happy and a part of our family as much as she can be with the split situation that is there. When you have two parents who really want to just fight over a child it becomes more of a hostile situation than the marriage was itself. Sure I would absolutely love to have her with me all the time and absolutely miss her everyday that she is not with us, but she has changed households more than any child deserves, in the end I am at peace with the situation but it will always be hard.
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Old 01-17-2013, 01:38 PM   #6
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I have a wonderful relationship with my oldest and after$20,000 and three custody hearings later someone had to make an adult decision. My oldest is happy and a part of our family as much as she can be with the split situation that is there. When you have two parents who really want to just fight over a child it becomes more of a hostile situation than the marriage was itself. Sure I would absolutely love to have her with me all the time and absolutely miss her everyday that she is not with us, but she has changed households more than any child deserves, in the end I am at peace with the situation but it will always be hard.
That sounds terribly difficult. Your a good mama to be able to put your wants aside in a custody battle for the better of the child (no more fighting). Even if that means you don't 'win'. Still so hard I'm sure.
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Old 01-17-2013, 05:08 PM   #7
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Re: How do you know if you are finished?

We were on the fence about #4. My kiddos are almost 6, almost 4, and almost 2.

Then, I kept an infant for a weekend. The first day I loved the cuddles and was convinced I wanted another one. By the second day of trying to get DD1 to karate, practice violin with her, get homework done with both DS and DD, build a tower with DS, and all the other things we do while holding/wearing a baby who cried if he was put down, I was over it. DD2 basically got ignored all day because the baby required so much attention, and the bigger kids needed things. That isn't what I want for my kids. Playing alone is fine to an extent, but not as much as this was taking from her. DH and I were passing him back and forth that evening, and we both were of the mindset that we have enough chaos around here. By the third day, I was ready for him to go home. It made my 3 look easy in comparison.

Plus, there is NO WAY I could ever leave 4 kids with a sitter. 8, 6 (ODD, RAD, feeding disoder), 4,and 2 is just more than any one person could handle. I work full time, so my kids need to be left with teens occasionally.

That did it for me. I am no longer on the fence. We are DONE.
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Old 01-17-2013, 05:27 PM   #8
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Re: How do you know if you are finished?

I have three and we are done. I think every family size has it's disadvantages/benefits, but I wanted to make sure both dh and I had plenty of alone time for each of our children. I wanted my kids to be able to be very close to both of us, and not feel they were one out of a "lineup". I didn't want an only, because I felt having sibling(s) is great. After I had two, I wanted one more and he fit right in. My 3 are very close in age and play together wonderfully. It's big enough of a family to have plenty going on, but also, each of our children get plenty of one on one time from each parent, which I feel is important. So, for our family 3 was our magic number. Finances were considered as well though.
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Old 01-17-2013, 05:28 PM   #9
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Re: How do you know if you are finished?

This is our last baby

Even if it doesn't end well we are still done. I can not emotionally take another loss or fear of a loss. So we've decided our family is complete.
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Old 01-17-2013, 06:34 PM   #10
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Re: How do you know if you are finished?

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Originally Posted by luvsviola View Post
We were on the fence about #4. My kiddos are almost 6, almost 4, and almost 2.

Then, I kept an infant for a weekend. The first day I loved the cuddles and was convinced I wanted another one. By the second day of trying to get DD1 to karate, practice violin with her, get homework done with both DS and DD, build a tower with DS, and all the other things we do while holding/wearing a baby who cried if he was put down, I was over it. DD2 basically got ignored all day because the baby required so much attention, and the bigger kids needed things. That isn't what I want for my kids. Playing alone is fine to an extent, but not as much as this was taking from her. DH and I were passing him back and forth that evening, and we both were of the mindset that we have enough chaos around here. By the third day, I was ready for him to go home. It made my 3 look easy in comparison.

Plus, there is NO WAY I could ever leave 4 kids with a sitter. 8, 6 (ODD, RAD, feeding disoder), 4,and 2 is just more than any one person could handle. I work full time, so my kids need to be left with teens occasionally.

That did it for me. I am no longer on the fence. We are DONE.
I think of this too. We do have a lot of chaos here and we like to travel as much as we can and have always just took the babies everywhere (thanks to the Boba).
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