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Old 01-30-2013, 10:39 PM   #11
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Re: Any advice?

Hugs mama. My son is 3 and wouldn't know his mom on the street. We have been very open that he has a tummy mommy, but she is sick (she is also an addict) and couldn't take care of him, so he became part of our family. We've kept it very simple. We just say that we aren't sure where she is, but maybe someday when she is better, she will be able to come see him. It is just part of our everyday conversations that he is super lucky he has two mommies and two daddies--there are lots of people that love him. Our therapist has been adamant that DH talk with him about it (it makes DH really uncomfortable) so he sees that it is ok to talk about with us, and that we are comfortable with it, so he is "safe" to be comfortable with it. He came to live with us at 26 days old, but was a DCS case with a failed reunification with bio dad at 2.5 (came back 4 months later abused and completely regressed).

Good luck with telling him. I wouldn't wait long. I had a student in class that found out at 13 that who she thought was her father, wasn't, and she was a mess. Eventually, she had to be put in the stress center over it when she became suicidal. She felt betrayed and her sense of "self" was destroyed. Her mom just didn't think it was a big deal, but to the kiddo, it was massively huge.

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Old 01-31-2013, 10:21 AM   #12
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Mama I don't mean to sound harsh but I really would question a therapist who would tell you to wait to tell him. Maybe a second opinion?
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Old 01-31-2013, 11:19 AM   #13
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Re: Any advice?

While I don't have an adopted child my DH gave a daughter up for adoption in a family adoption. The girl was adopted by the maternal grandmother and she knew about that at an early age, but what she doesn't know even at 20 years old is that her sister is her mother! We had contact with the birth mother and minimal knowledge of the child till I stepped in and told the BM to stop using my DH, she was emotionally pulling at his heart and leading into needing money, so I had to stop it cold!
My point is that when this now adult finds out she will probably be lost forever which will kill my DH who has not seen her in 18 years, last thing we heard was she was sampling drugs and the adoptive mom and BM were allowing her to "explore" freely...
So tell him while you still have some control over his reactions and can help and support him.
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Old 01-31-2013, 01:29 PM   #14
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Re: Any advice?

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Mama I don't mean to sound harsh but I really would question a therapist who would tell you to wait to tell him. Maybe a second opinion?
I am maybe downplaying his behavior issues. His BM is bi-polar, and we fear he may be too, he is exhibiting a lot of the behavior. We have been working on that with her. She doesn't think he is ready emotionally yet. His behavior has drastically improved at school, just not at home yet. We just had another baby and think he is acting out a little. I think her thought process is more, one thing at a time type mentality.

I was thinking about bringing up a date to have it done by at our next appointment. I think sometime this summer after school has let out would probably be best. My husband is a teacher, and will be home. That way he doesn't have to be with a caretaker other than one of the two of us while he is dealing with understanding. I fear it will be a process, and might even be best for when I can take the baby and her sister to my mom's for a day or two and just have one on one time with him while he adjusts.

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Old 01-31-2013, 01:39 PM   #15
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Re: Any advice?

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So tell him while you still have some control over his reactions and can help and support him.
We never intended not to tell him. Just the matter of when was best.
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Old 01-31-2013, 02:34 PM   #16
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Re: Any advice?

Honestly, I think you've already missed the boat on "telling" him. It has now been a secret for 7 years, and any further delay is only going to produce a longer "secret."
Tell his therapist I said "Say hi to the 1960's" for me!
Seriously, tell the boy. He has the right to the truth, no matter how hard.
Good luck <3
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Old 01-31-2013, 03:25 PM   #17
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Re: Any advice?

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Honestly, I think you've already missed the boat on "telling" him. It has now been a secret for 7 years, and any further delay is only going to produce a longer "secret."
Tell his therapist I said "Say hi to the 1960's" for me!
Seriously, tell the boy. He has the right to the truth, no matter how hard.
Good luck <3
Pretty much sums up what I have been trying to say. It's quite possible that he already knows. Or he knows "something" is wrong. If you can't talk to him about it, there's no way he's going to come to you to talk about it. You are lying to your son. If you really fear there are mental health issues at play and truly believe you shouldn't tell him, I think you should get a second opinion. Bad news doesn't get better with time.

I know a girl in a similar situation. She's constantly trying to find something similar between her and her "dad's" family. They couldn't be more opposite looking in every way. She knows something is up, but has no idea of what the truth really is. It's super sad because everyone knows but her.
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Old 01-31-2013, 03:37 PM   #18
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Re: Any advice?

If the bio-mom is a drug addict, she may have used alcohol during pregnancy. You may want to look into Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or FASD. It may explain some of his behavior issues. Educate yourself because a lot of doctors and therapists are not well educated on it at all.
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Old 01-31-2013, 06:39 PM   #19
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Re: Any advice?

i can see the point about it not being a good time with a new baby though. my daughter lost it when she suddently had siblings and she doesn't have any other behavior issues. its a tough situation. i still think sooner rather than later is better.
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Old 01-31-2013, 08:08 PM   #20
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Re: Any advice?

Is his therapist experienced in adoption and attachment issues? and possible exposure issues?

Gosh, I have been thinking about this since you posted. Here is what I have finally come down to. Personally, I would try to make it as small a deal as possible. You are expecting it to be a really big deal, and it may be. But, I think the whole idea of what is now suggested as best for the kids for them to just always have known the facts of their life from when they were very small is so that there never is a "big telling". I think it usually happens in a practical manner when the child says something which they reasonably assume about being in your tummy before they were born and then you correct them. At least that's how it first came up for my dd when she was 3. Then as they get older each time it comes up again you answer their questions and so the story is gradually built up as they get old enough to handle each part of it and they think about it some more. That's the part you have missed, the just always knowing as long as he can remember part. Is there some way you can mention this brand new information to him in a similarly not a big deal way when it comes up? Oh, you weren't in my tummy sweetheart, you were in your birth mommy's tummy. Her name is X. No, we didn't mean for it to be a secret; it just hasn't come up before. She couldn't take care of you. etc. Since he is older now there will be more questions and thinking on his part now, say all the ones he would have gone through between 3 yrs old and 7 yrs old but not yet the ones he will get to when he is older. You just need to get him caught up that much.
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