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Old 01-31-2013, 08:14 PM   #1
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Is this a normal way to feel?

We have a n 11 month old FS who we have had since 6 months old. All along mom has done good and the goal was RU. We just had our monthly meeting with our CW and all of a sudden TPR is brought up. The CW learned info about some of moms choices lately.
All along I have thought if adoption came up we would definitely keep him. Now that she brought tpr up I am not so sure. If we adopt him that will take up a spot for a fc(we still aren't done having our own). There are a lot of people who would love to adopt a child(we have 2 of our own) and I would love for someone else to be blessed with an AWESOME child.
I just don't know why I am feeling this way all of a sudden. I truly love him and think he is a really awesome little boy. Is it normal? Has anyone else felt this way? Any advice or encouragement would be appreciated!

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Old 01-31-2013, 09:18 PM   #2
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Re: Is this a normal way to feel?

Yes it is normal. You have been living with the plan of RU so you really haven't let yourself even imagine him being your forever child. It is two very different things fostering a child and keeping your self in check vs. allowing yourself to fall head over heels for a child and imagining life with them.

Right now, I have 2 kiddos that we are fostering. Hopes plan was originally adoption BUT then family came forward. So I cried and grieved that we were losing her and began to compartmentalize with her. Now, I have been in foster mode with her. She is leaving. I don't dream of her first birthday, of what she will look like with long hair, etc. I don't buy clothes to grow into. I don't let myself go there.

But today, it came up that she could stay and all of a sudden I am freaking out. Not I don't love her or want her but because I haven't let myself dream about it for months. I feel like I am second guessing myself. But in reality, I have needed to keep myself in check. Dare I begin to dream? I am scared to. Will we adopt her? Of course, if given the chance but right now if doesn't feel quite right to let myself begin to dream.

Then there is NB, he is my adopted son's brother. He is ours. I live as if I gave birth to him. I can't imagine life without him. Because I love him more? Of course not, I just have allowed myself to believe he is here forever. To dream and plan. There is no question as to whether we will adopt him. Because to us it is mearly a formality, he is already in our hearts our son.
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Old 02-01-2013, 07:29 AM   #3
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Re: Is this a normal way to feel?

Thanks for your input. I am just having mixed emotions. I don't want to get excited because it could always change at the drop of a hat. This is my first placement also so I have never had to "control" my feelings with a child. I always fall in love with them and now I think I am just trying to protect myself from to much hurt. It is a new process for me. By no means has it changed the way I care for him.
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Old 02-01-2013, 07:52 AM   #4
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Re: Is this a normal way to feel?

Daylnn- Well put...very well put. The only thing I would add....if you adopt him, save your next spot for a girl! I have been cautious about taking boys, because I know myself and know that I would fall in love with them thus never getting our forever girl. I've had two boys pass through my door and yep, you guessed...fell in love with both even though they were only respite. Both are headed towards adoption and both I could easily let myself "go there".
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Old 02-01-2013, 09:37 AM   #5
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Re: Is this a normal way to feel?

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Daylnn- Well put...very well put. The only thing I would add....if you adopt him, save your next spot for a girl! I have been cautious about taking boys, because I know myself and know that I would fall in love with them thus never getting our forever girl. I've had two boys pass through my door and yep, you guessed...fell in love with both even though they were only respite. Both are headed towards adoption and both I could easily let myself "go there".
Totally agree with saving future spot for gender you want. We will only take another boy if it is a bio brother to my boys. My husband has 6 sons now and no girls unless Hope stays. All future foster placements will be girls. We went into this to only adopt girls.... lol. At least we are expecting a grand daughter in June!!!
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Old 02-01-2013, 01:49 PM   #6
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Thank you ladies. I would love to have a little girl come along. The cw said two little boys came into care and our name was brought up. She told them no way and that we have to many boys! Haha I love my boys but a little bit of estrogen around here would be nice!
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Old 02-01-2013, 02:37 PM   #7
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Re: Is this a normal way to feel?

I felt the same way when i found out dfs case was moving to concurrent from RU! be careful. i purposely pushed myself to try and bond to this kiddo and now grandma might be taking them. so typical of foster care! how do we guard our hearts while giving the kiddos the attachment they deserve? i dunno. this is hard business! but J deserved to feel the love that i have for him so it is best for him, harder on me.
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Old 02-01-2013, 03:53 PM   #8
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Re: Is this a normal way to feel?

Add me to the struggling. We're on our fifth placement and we got into this to adopt, but knowing very well it may not happen right away. I fell in love with our first placement and everything was just falling into place for us to adopt her. We lost her to a kin situation with little notice and it stung. Out next four quickly looked like they were going to family or reunification situations, so no need to go there. Loved them, but knew the possibility of them staying forever was slim. With our current placement, the plan has actually never been really reunification with mom and she was placed with us because we wanted to adopt knowing this case likely would go to adoption. It's been an up and down mess over the last 5 months and we still don't really know. There is no family who has actually stepped up, but the alleged dad's side is an unknown. Realistically, we know the chances of us getting to adopt her in the end look good right now, but the case is still so messy I can't realistically go there. I'm scared, but I also feel sad because I know it has affected my bonding with the baby. I love her dearly and can't imagine her leaving, but at the same time, I can't believe we'd actually be able to keep her forever.

Oh and I agree about just taking girls. Bedroom wise, I can only take boys OR girls and since I already have all boys, I've just had to say no to boy placements since I know I'd get one that would go to adoption and wouldn't be able to say no, but then we'd have no bedrooms for a girl. (My boys already share smaller sized rooms.) And we're no moving nor can afford to add on anytime soon! There were a few boy placements I almost took, but glad I stuck to my guns and didn't.
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Old 02-01-2013, 06:24 PM   #9
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Yeah I'm not taking any more boys! This will remain a one penis household if these guys go home.
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Old 02-01-2013, 06:30 PM   #10
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Re: Is this a normal way to feel?

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Add me to the struggling. We're on our fifth placement and we got into this to adopt, but knowing very well it may not happen right away. I fell in love with our first placement and everything was just falling into place for us to adopt her. We lost her to a kin situation with little notice and it stung. Out next four quickly looked like they were going to family or reunification situations, so no need to go there. Loved them, but knew the possibility of them staying forever was slim. With our current placement, the plan has actually never been really reunification with mom and she was placed with us because we wanted to adopt knowing this case likely would go to adoption. It's been an up and down mess over the last 5 months and we still don't really know. There is no family who has actually stepped up, but the alleged dad's side is an unknown. Realistically, we know the chances of us getting to adopt her in the end look good right now, but the case is still so messy I can't realistically go there. I'm scared, but I also feel sad because I know it has affected my bonding with the baby. I love her dearly and can't imagine her leaving, but at the same time, I can't believe we'd actually be able to keep her forever.

Oh and I agree about just taking girls. Bedroom wise, I can only take boys OR girls and since I already have all boys, I've just had to say no to boy placements since I know I'd get one that would go to adoption and wouldn't be able to say no, but then we'd have no bedrooms for a girl. (My boys already share smaller sized rooms.) And we're no moving nor can afford to add on anytime soon! There were a few boy placements I almost took, but glad I stuck to my guns and didn't.
I find myself almost holding my breathe every time you post. I want so much for your girl to stay and I was so heartbroken with you when you list your first. Praying that they will get the plan heading towards TPR soon so you can breathe easier. I felt like this with Caleb the whole time we worked his case. I was so scared we'd lose him it really robbed us if some of the joy.
Kind of feel same way now with Hope.
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