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Old 02-01-2013, 06:49 PM   #11
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Re: Is this a normal way to feel?

It does rob you. Dh even said that the other day. And it probably robs the baby somewhere too, but I'm constantly hugging and kissing her because that's what I do with babies so hopefully she doesn't feel it. Wish I had a crystal ball. You are doing much better with the Hope situation than I would be. I'd be really angry they hadn't come to see her. In fact, I am angry about it. I understand family, but family needs to show initiative and definite interest!

I would love to take boys if I didn't already have four. If I had the space, a boy/girl sibling set would be just fine. Just want to experience a girl after so many boys. Oh and the boys all want a sister and not another brother, haha!

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Old 02-01-2013, 06:55 PM   #12
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Re: Is this a normal way to feel?

Oh and Dalynn, appreciate the prayers SO much! She just has no other good options. I put more, but just deleted it because it was a bit too specific for a public forum. At least our first went to a really good home!
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Old 02-02-2013, 12:23 AM   #13
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Re: Is this a normal way to feel?

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With our current placement, the plan has actually never been really reunification with mom and she was placed with us because we wanted to adopt knowing this case likely would go to adoption. It's been an up and down mess over the last 5 months and we still don't really know. There is no family who has actually stepped up, but the alleged dad's side is an unknown. Realistically, we know the chances of us getting to adopt her in the end look good right now, but the case is still so messy I can't realistically go there. I'm scared, but I also feel sad because I know it has affected my bonding with the baby. I love her dearly and can't imagine her leaving, but at the same time, I can't believe we'd actually be able to keep her forever.
I was right here the whole time with dd2 until she was officially made an adoptive placement around nine months after bio dad finally took a paternity test so he was known and his family checked out. We knew from the get go that she was not going anywhere, but you just don't really KNOW. BM asked us to keep her. Knew maternal grandparents turned down placement. Knew both bio parents had no siblings. But, we just couldn't count on it in our hearts. She was our first placement other than a couple short respites. And the roller coaster was so crazy. (Newmommy I hear ya!) Every time someone said something but oh then someone else said something different or it changed the next week. Mostly regarding the timeline and BD. I am certain it affected bonding with her. We didn't even refer to ourselves as mom and dad (to her - i.e. "shh Mommy's here") for many months. Til I realized that most foster kids at least have someone else who claims that title and she didn't. She wouldn't even know the words unless we used them for us. I hope that when (if?) we are able to take placements again that I will have a better handle on the emotional roller coaster and be much more chill. But, who knows. (Dalynn does it get better when you've done it longer/had more placements?) When you are dealing with children that may or may not be your own who can blame you for riding the roller coaster? I am also one whose dh just gets upset the more he sees that I am upset by it and is liable to just call the whole thing off so I need to have other women I can rehash everything with.

how do we guard our hearts while giving the kiddos the attachment they deserve? i dunno. this is hard business! but J deserved to feel the love that i have for him so it is best for him, harder on me.
Love how you said this. What's easiest on us is not the best for the kids, but who can figure out how to do that and still survive? It drives me nuts how many people say to me when finding out that we are foster parents, "I could never do that; I would get too attached." Well, who exactly do you think these kiddos should live with - people who can care for kids as their own and not get attached to them!?" Yeah, that would be good for them... Sheesh
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Old 02-02-2013, 08:22 AM   #14
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I know! Do they think I'm a cold hearted person who does not get attached and I'm doing it for money? I never know what to say to that comment because if I let on that I've been hurt people have the attitude of well if you can't handle it why are you doing it? Like its my fault or something. But if I just blow it off they think I just don't care about them.
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Old 02-02-2013, 08:50 AM   #15
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Re: Is this a normal way to feel?

Yes, totally normal, esp. if it is your first placement. Our first placement was 2 sisters. They were in our home for 4 months. They fit really well into our home and we loved having them there. The caseworker said they would be there at least a year and even talked about adoption as a possibility (way to early in the case for her to say that, legally). We were considering the possibility of adoption, our only hesitation was being worried about adopting our first placement and taking the place of future foster kids, like you said. Then, that caseworker quit, and the new one had different goals for the case. I found out on a Friday (by accident, I don't know when they were planning to tell us) that the girls were being moved to a different foster home on Wed. It was heartbreaking.
((hugs)) Hoping for the best for you and the child.
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Old 02-02-2013, 09:03 AM   #16
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I know! Do they think I'm a cold hearted person who does not get attached and I'm doing it for money? I never know what to say to that comment because if I let on that I've been hurt people have the attitude of well if you can't handle it why are you doing it? Like its my fault or something. But if I just blow it off they think I just don't care about them.
When people say that to me I tell them that God called me to do it so He will bring me through it. Not saying that it will be a walk in the park but someone has to love the children. They didn't ask to go through this.
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Old 02-02-2013, 03:40 PM   #17
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Re: Is this a normal way to feel?

I hate that. Some people say it really nicely though because they can obviously see how much I love the baby and she's doing so well and it's more like they're in awe of me. Others though make you feel like a cold hearted robot. I tell people it's my calling and I grew up with it. I love it but it's also the hardest thing I'll ever do.
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Old 02-04-2013, 03:21 PM   #18
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Re: Is this a normal way to feel?

In our training with our new agency they said that they *want* the people who say they could not do it because it would be too hard for them. Yes, your heart will get broken, but you will survive it. And you (and the children) will be better for it.

When our hearts get broken, we can build a wall OR we can grow more compassionate & use that heartache as a catalyst to pour more love into the next child...
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