Neighbor kid just attacked DS with a wooden hammer

[Tris]

Originally Posted by Mom2Connor I don't know, but to me that really minimizes it from OPs story.... I would just be honest. I wouldn't beat around the bush personally with this level of violence and I would not blame my child or share the blame, nor would I say he wasn't hurt when he was.

Hitting is one thing. I get that kids tend to rough house a bit. But continuing while the other kid is sobbing and trying to block the hits, man that's something else, and it's a big deal.

[MamaWillow]

Originally Posted by elizabeth.scalf The mom will undoubtedly ask 'how did things go?/how was she?' 'well, we did have a little incident with a hammer. I didn't see how it started s so I don't know if they were playing, or if they were actually fighting, but she hit him around with the hammer a few times. I don't think she hurt him too bad, but he was ready shook up and scared. I just wanted to let you know so you can watch for that if it happens again.' That's how is like to be told of my kids were trouble.

See this is sugar-coating it. She did really hurt him. He has a big red spot between his eyes now where she hit him. It had to have been really hard. I wasn't in the room but I was close by, listening. They were playing hospital and DS was lying in the bed as the patient. This has been their favorite game lately but so far no one has been smacked with a hammer a bunch of times.

By the time the mom came I had calmed down quite a bit, at least I wasn't all red-cheeked anymore. She asked how it went, and I said fine until she hit DS with a wooden hammer a bunch of times on his head nose and feet. She was surprised and asked if I made sure to tell her that it's not okay to hurt people. I gave her the rundown on how I dealt with it. And then I said I'm not even sure that they can play together for a while. I probably was kind of wishy washy when I said that. I would have liked to have said "I can't let DS play with your kids anymore until she learns to behave properly" but I wasn't as firm about it. She did think that not playing would be a good consequence for her. As she left I just said let's talk in a couple of days.

This really sucks because she's my friend. We live so close and our kids are pretty close in age (mean girl is younger than DS). Her DH works for mine and they are good buddies. They just don't discipline their kids though. The DHs took the kids for a hike last weekend and my DH told me that her DH refused at all costs to tell the kids no, and at one point the 2yo was walking out onto a floating dock at a pond (with the DHs far behind) and he never told her to stop, or wait, or just no you can't go there. Weird. I'm not sure.how to handle the whole situation, I'm at this point again (have been here before) where I don't want our kids to play at all. Obviously I wasn't very good at sticking to my guns when I felt this way 2 months ago.

[nestra]

This sounds like a no win situation! If you are friends it is hard to refuse to be around their kids but at the same time I wouldn't want my kids around theirs. Good luck!

[mommabritt]

Originally Posted by elizabeth.scalf The mom will undoubtedly ask 'how did things go?/how was she?' 'well, we did have a little incident with a hammer. I didn't see how it started s so I don't know if they were playing, or if they were actually fighting, but she hit him around with the hammer a few times. I don't think she hurt him too bad, but he was ready shook up and scared. I just wanted to let you know so you can watch for that if it happens again.' That's how is like to be told of my kids were trouble.

I think this is a little minimizing.

Mom: Hey! How was she?
You: they did okay for a while but we had an incident. I didn't see how it started but she hit DS several times with this hammer. He was very upset and scared. I know we made some plans to share kids a few days but until I feel confident that she isn't going to behave that way with him, were going to to have to put it off.

Try hard to be matter of fact. She will undoubtedly feel bad and surely embarrassed of the behavior, but I have to say that if my kid were the offender I would also want to know what they were doing and how that started. In my experience, (both as a worker and a mom) and its not often one is entirely innocent. I know there are exceptions to this but its just my

I hope it goes smoothly for you. Sorry your little one was beat up on his play date.

[MamaWillow]

Originally Posted by mommabritt I think this is a little minimizing. Mom: Hey! How was she? You: they did okay for a while but we had an incident. I didn't see how it started but she hit DS several times with this hammer. He was very upset and scared. I know we made some plans to share kids a few days but until I feel confident that she isn't going to behave that way with him, were going to to have to put it off. Try hard to be matter of fact. She will undoubtedly feel bad and surely embarrassed of the behavior, but I have to say that if my kid were the offender I would also want to know what they were doing and how that started. In my experience, (both as a worker and a mom) and its not often one is entirely innocent. I know there are exceptions to this but its just my I hope it goes smoothly for you. Sorry your little one was beat up on his play date.

To the bolded, there are many an incident where my DS is at fault. With these two kids there is soooo much mediation a lot of the time. Lately they have been doing ok and getting into a game and actually playing well, which has been a relief. It's usually exhausting to deal with them because one or the other is bossing, or grabbing, or having trouble sharing. In this particular incident though, unless they were whispering something that I couldn't hear (which, they are 3 and 4, they don't whisper, lol) DS was lying in bed waiting to be seen by the doctor (the girl). In fact, I was listening and thinking it was nice that they were playing so well together.

It was interesting though, the mom didn't ask anything about what happened. I didn't have the brains to remember to tell her, because I always think of what to say *after* I should have said it.

[R055ANA]

Rachel, you did what you could and you are learning from each situation so don't blame yourself. I am also one to think of what I should have said and done afterward instead of before/during.

I am going to be one to caution labeling a kid as the "mean" one. We are always going to look @ other parents and say they let or don't let their kids do this or that, I can't believe it but try not to judge their kid as the mean one. Yes, she was aggressive and hit our kid w/ a hammer. It needs to be dealt w/ especially if there have been other issues in the past. Did you ask both kids how it happened? I would be surprised that the girl just started hitting your DS on the head w/ a wooden hammer over and over again for no reason. Even though you were listening to them play do you know if your DS did something that might have upset her? I am not saying your DS deserved this at all but I am just wondering if this girl just hits w/o any reason or if something sets her off.

I have 4 DDs and you wouldn't believe how aggressive they can be w/ one another.

I also want to point out something another mom said to me. Yrs ago when her DD was little and another kid did something bad to her DC she was disappointed w/ the way the parent handled it and thought I know my kid will never do a thing like that. Of course her kid does something similar a while later and she starts to think the parent of the other child probably wasn't happy w/ the way she handled it either.

[elizabeth.scalf]

That is a little bit worse than I was picturing, yeah. I figured she was a little bit younger or less mature and was just playing around more and didn't know she was actually hurting him.

[MamaWillow]

DH and I just talked about this, and he reminded me that when DS was 3 he was kind of a bully. He pushed a lot. It got to be embarrassing. We handled it as best we could, we are middle of the road in terms of how strict we are, we don't spank and tend toward gentle discipline, but DS's behavior was really hard to deal with. We ended up kind of staying home a lot and rarely doing play dates, as they always turned bad. Six months later he was done with the "mean" phase. Now he plays just fine with everyone, EXCEPT for this girl. They seem to be at each other's throats a lot, and when I see DS play with a different kid, and how awesome it is, and peaceful, I realize that it's just the dynamic or these two. They clash. I should have seen something like this hammer incident coming. Anyway, DH thinks she's just in that phase of not getting along with others very well. Whether it's that or just her and my DS not getting along, I think I definitely have to stop having them hang out.

[33andunder]

If they don't bring out the best in each other, then perhaps your arrangement will have to change, for the sake of both your children. We are all adults on this board (I think), and we don't all see eye to eye. How can we expect every 3 and 4 year old to? I'm certainly not saying that what happened was acceptable, because it is not, but clearly these two will need massive supervision and even then you will probably resent the way your child is being treated, if he or she is on the receiving end of aggression. (I know I would)

Thought: The last time my child was taken to the doctor, the doctor checked my ds's reflexes. To a child, I could see how that would look like hitting someone with a hammer.

I don't envy you with the conversation that needs to happen, as I am not a fan of confrontation/drama, but it does need to happen for the sake of both your children.

[mibarra]

What a rough time! My oldest DD is 3, and 99% of the time she's the sweetest thing. But man can she go after her sister (2) sometimes. Hitting her repeatedly HARD, biting, clawing, screaming in her face. And when DD1 is riled like that DD2s crying doesn't matter. Of course we discipline her firmly and immediately, but there will be a few days every few weeks where it seems she's beating her sister every time I turn my back. She's getting better about it as she gets closer to 4 and we've REALLY been working on holding our temper and better ways to resolve things.

Not trying to minimize what happened to you DS, or say it's ok. Just saying some kids have worse tempers and less self control, and some of it is personality. I hope you get it worked out!!