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Old 02-14-2013, 12:01 AM   #11
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He can't. He gets angry, walks away, ignores me, silent treatment, leaves.

Just makes me feel HORRIBLE for it
That's not ok. There's no reason for you to feel horrible. Your concerns are completely valid.

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Old 02-14-2013, 12:38 AM   #12
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Re: Drinking in your family

Alcohol tolerance can vary a lot with individuals and it doesn't always depend on body size (I know someone literally 2/3 my size who can drink me under the table) but that is a LOT of alcohol for any size person. And te fact that he won't discuss it with you and gets angry is also cause for concern. I'm not labeling him as alcoholic but it sounds to me like there's both a communication and a drinking problem. I hope he will realize you're trying to help, not criticize. Maybe your local AA could be of some help in that regard? You don't have to get him to go or even tell him you called there, just call and get some ideas perhaps, or email them.
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Old 02-14-2013, 06:30 AM   #13
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Re: Drinking in your family

I grew up with it.

No, what you re describing is not "normal" or "average".

I wish you strength. You will likely have some hard choices to make in the next few years. Hopefully a move will help, maybe he would even see the truth after that and be willing to get help. If not . . .

My dad did finally quit drinking after 35 years of alcoholism. He now has acute liver failure
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Old 02-14-2013, 06:41 AM   #14
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Re: Drinking in your family

My dad likes to drink. When I was a kid I guess he drank often, but my mom never let us see him drunk. We only ever saw him have one beer with dinner. He totally mellowed out as he got older. He still likes to drink though. He is not an alcoholic, but when he's not working he has fun. It is really normal here.
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Old 02-14-2013, 06:43 AM   #15
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Re: Drinking in your family

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Originally Posted by Melinda29 View Post
I grew up with it.

No, what you re describing is not "normal" or "average".

I wish you strength. You will likely have some hard choices to make in the next few years. Hopefully a move will help, maybe he would even see the truth after that and be willing to get help. If not . . .

My dad did finally quit drinking after 35 years of alcoholism. He now has acute liver failure
However my father has a perfect liver. He is VERY lucky.

My DH drinks a beer every now and then. Maybe at the most 2 beers in one night. My step father drinks ALL THE TIME. It is part of who he is. I used to really worry about this and how I could teach my son(s) how to deal with this when he gets older but now I realize that I can't protect my child from everything. I don't drink and DS NEVER sees me drink. So I think by me not drinking I can set a good example for him and if he ever asks why I don't drink, I will tell him about his grandfather and great grandfather (who was abusive when he drank) and how I would never want that for him. I probably would also go into the genetics of it if he is old enough to understand that. If that doesn't work, I could just have my dad take out his dentures and show him how many teeth he has because for my father it didn't stop at alcohol and his meth addiction took away his teeth. That is bound to get the point across!

OP - I am sorry your dealing with this but one thing I learned was no matter how many wives wanted my dad to get sober/clean, until he wanted it, there was nothing anyone could do. My father is very open with the fact that when he hit bottom he knew he had 2 choices. Live or die, and thankfully he choose to live. He has been clean for about 15 years now. Before he got clean he went through 2 marriages and my younger sister will not talk to him because of her childhood (when he was hitting rock bottom).
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Old 02-14-2013, 06:45 AM   #16
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Re: Drinking in your family

I'm sorry. Yes drinking is normal in our house, but we generally wait until the kids are in bed and then have 1 glass of wine, or 1 beer together. We probably do this 4 nights a week. Maybe on a Saturday we might have two glasses. Neither of us have a problem. We can and have said no on many occasions.

What you are describing sounds very different. It sounds like either immaturity, or yes, he may have a drinking problem. And from the way that you have described that he cannot have fun without drinking, is really a serious issue. That is not normal, and it really means he might need some kind of counseling/ treatment.

If he isn't willing to seek help or try to change his behaviour, then I am afraid if I was in that situation I would have to leave him. But only you know exactly what you are willing to tolerate, and only you know whether he is worth trying to work it out with.
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Old 02-14-2013, 06:46 AM   #17
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Re: Drinking in your family

My parents didn't drink much. DH's parents have wine with dinner. When I'm not pregnant we will normally have wine with dinner as well (Italian) and that is normal for us. I would personally be upset if DH drank 5 vodka drinks a day, or even that much in front of our kids (I prefer non-wine or beer drinks to be drunk after kids are in bed, but neither DH or I are into that anyways).
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Old 02-14-2013, 07:12 AM   #18
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Re: Drinking in your family

Is this a new behavior?
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Old 02-14-2013, 07:18 AM   #19
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Re: Drinking in your family

Was he like this before you married him?
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Old 02-14-2013, 07:20 AM   #20
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Re: Drinking in your family

Do you have a support system around you like a church or family. I agree that he won't change until he decides he's ready. I actually have a mom friend that struggled with drinking to numb the problems. To me it's not much different than being obese and trying to numb your problems with food. It's not something I'd split up a family for. My dad drank a lot when we were too young to remember. I think he stopped when I was just over 3 and he started going to church. My mom never said a word to him about it because my dad's a strong personality and back then he had a hot temper. She knew he would have left. For years after he slowed down he'd drink 1 or 2 beers several nights a week but never more than 2. When my sis and I were grown and moved out he upped his limit to 3 but that's still not drinking to get drunk for him and its not every night. As your daughter gets older and more aware if he's drunk I'd go to friends or family's house when he's like that. I'd be honest and say that you didn't want her to remember seeing him that way and you'll be somewhere else for the night. That way you aren't requiring him to change but only doing what is best for you and your daughter during that time. Also, if you are religious I'd suggest prayer. I say if he's not really hurting anyone but himself and he's not getting behind the wheel I wouldn't push too hard. Deep down there's probably something bigger that's bothering him. Also, Celebrate Recovery is a great program and most of the sites have childcare. You could start going yourself to learn how to be a good support for him.
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