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Old 04-15-2013, 11:29 PM   #11
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Re: Step kids

Btw, the father and I are perfect together, we are best friends and he is my soulmate. He gets me, in fact I've read him every post I've made. I don't hide this from him because I'm not afraid he won't understand I just know he can't give me the advice i need.

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Old 04-15-2013, 11:39 PM   #12
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Re: Step kids

I can recommend a book or two: both by the same author - Byron Katie (I cannot afford counseling either and I found this to help a lot).

1) Loving what Is. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/re.../dp/1400045371
2) I need your love, is that true? http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/re.../dp/0307345300

I had previously an example here of how these books helped me, but decided to delete it. Too afraid it might not get the idea across.

PM me if you want to talk. I went through some related stuff too. There was a lot of financial anger that I took out on my husband for a while.
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Old 04-15-2013, 11:49 PM   #13
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We are not married but BC of the baby I believe we should make it work for the remainder of our lives, if at all possible. I do think part of this is territorial BC it got worse after I found out I was pregnant. I want this to go away BC I plan on being with dad for the rest of our lives. I do think it runs a lot deeper then I can deal with but I do not have insurance and I make about $900/mo so I can't afford it. I think it's slowly eating away at me and us but not letting them see.
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I have a stepdaughter and I have been a stepdaughter. You have to release your feelings of resentment towards your step kids.

Until you accept these things your family (all 5 of you) will never feel right


1. They are not their mother- they didn't choose their mom, their dad did choose to have 2 babies with her.
2. They didn't asked to be brought into this world- I know on the outside u say u are nice to them but if on the inside u are hating it it will only harm you.
3. Negative feelings only snowball more negative feelings- each time u have a negative thought about them immediately replace it with a positive one.
4. You don't have full control of ur step kids- this is very hard for me because I hate not being in control of a situation (grades, chores, pick up times). U chose to be with & have a baby with a man who already has children & because they are his children you should love them just as you would want him to love your children had you had children from a previous relationship. Think of how sad you would feel if you did have children from a previous marriage & he made you leave the house with them to get them out of his hair.
5. You also need to figure this out- what are you afraid of? I feel like you are sad or mad that you and him are not legally married? I feel like u feel if you do actually love the kids on the inside (not just on the outside) then you might feel like you are loving their mom or saying that it is okay that their mom dragged you all through the mud through the divorce?! It is not okay that she did it but it is done & in the past. Are you afraid of their mom wanting to get back together with their dad?

I don't think you have ppd because you said this happened when you 1st got pregnant. Did you love the kids before that? I think you need to do what I did to get over these resentment issues and realize this.
Your dh being a good dad to your step kids does not mean he loves you any less. Or that he loves your step kids more. Do not ask him to tell you who he loves more step kids or your kids. Once I realized that my step daughter is just as important as any children we would have (we have a baby now) and that she deserves to be loved by me and both her parents & I had to realize I couldn't control everything I actually BECAME HAPPY AND NO LONGER RESENTFUL AT ALL. And it feels so good!

Hugs mama and good luck -ps I have never posted such a long reply hope it is helpful
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Old 04-15-2013, 11:58 PM   #14
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Essentially we have been together 2years, we have always been strapped for cash because we have been throwing good money over bad at the divorce and outrageous child support payments. Their mother is only in it for the money and use the kids to get it. He absolutely adores them and will never give them up or neglect them (which is the original reason I knew our baby would be loved and taken care of (yes it was an oops but loved more than life itself)). Anyway, she hates me BC I stick up for him (he lets her walk all over him) and I gently put her in her place. Other than random texts I haven't talked to her in over a year. But every time we get the kids we have to "reprogram" them to behave and act decent. I think a lot of resentment comes from my need to get work done, I'm always super busy with extra work, and can't, the fact that (in a round about way) I blame them for our lives being so hard. I am perfectly aware of how I sound and I know this is ridiculous but that's why I'm working on it and asking for help.
I can relate. See my post above.
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Old 04-15-2013, 11:58 PM   #15
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Btw, the father and I are perfect together, we are best friends and he is my soulmate. He gets me, in fact I've read him every post I've made. I don't hide this from him because I'm not afraid he won't understand I just know he can't give me the advice i need.
That is wonderful and so great you can communicate so much with him. I think you reaching out for help is wonderful! I really do wish you well and hope you start feeling better about all this & maybe you and one of your step kids can go somewhere. Like a date just you and one step kid that way you can have some bonding time with them & dh and your other step kid can hang out together? Then switch the next time take the other one to do something with you.
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Old 04-16-2013, 04:51 AM   #16
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That is wonderful and so great you can communicate so much with him. I think you reaching out for help is wonderful! I really do wish you well and hope you start feeling better about all this & maybe you and one of your step kids can go somewhere. Like a date just you and one step kid that way you can have some bonding time with them & dh and your other step kid can hang out together? Then switch the next time take the other one to do something with you.
We do this. I take the oldest out and we have our girl time. On the surface everything is fine and I'm working really hard but it's not enough. I am a step daughter and it took 29years for her to accept me which is why I hide my feelings from them and don't let it reflect in my actions. Also, he takes them out not just to give me space but also so I can get my work done. I also have PTSD from my childhood and the commotion of all the kids, tv, dogs, him, the baby it all makes me very anxious and panicky. Typically I keep the house quiet with very little competing noise. When they are here that's all there is.
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Old 04-16-2013, 05:41 AM   #17
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It just struck me that you might not want to PM me (or anyone) because it would reveal your identity!

I strongly suggest the books above again. Trust me, it got me through some stuff that I thought I'd never be able to process or sort out in my mind. It requires that you are willing to work things out and that you are willing to be honest. Seems to me both aspects are here already in your posts.
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Old 04-16-2013, 06:08 AM   #18
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I decided not to offer a hug anymore...
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Old 04-16-2013, 06:40 AM   #19
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Re: Step kids

Step coupling is a great book

Remember your child will love your step children unconditionally. You don't need to love them the same but you do need to figure out a way to love them. Your husband wld not be the great man he is if he wasn't already a father.

I would consider trying an antidepressant to see I it helps. Zoloft and Paxil are only $4 now. Counseling would be great but meds are cheaper. There may be some support groups or play groups u cld reach out to.

Try to identify things in your step kids that are your influence, things that you hope your child takes after, or things that u cld brag about.
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Old 04-16-2013, 07:02 AM   #20
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Re: Step kids

I have been a stepdaughter for all of my life and my mom has been a stepmom in a situation VERY similar to yours. I wish I could tell you that you will eventually think of the, as your own, but your probably never will. My mom and my stepdad have been together for 20 years and my step siblings are my siblings to me because we were so young when our family blended. My mom, however, feels very differently. Especially now that we are older and the my step siblings are starting to show characteristics of their awful mother.

My mom loves my step siblings and would do anything for them, but they are not her children and she has never felt that they are. Being a part of a blended family is VERY hard. Whole family counseling is definitely in order. It will get better and easier. The longer you see them with your new baby the more love you will feel for them because they will very likely think of that new baby as their full sibling and will treat him/her as such.
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