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Old 05-26-2013, 12:48 AM   #391
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Re: Second Wives Club

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Originally Posted by qsefthuko View Post
It is now 1 am where I am. My youngest is still not in bed. My older ones will be up in another 5 1/2 hours. I do need at least some sleep.
I don't have a good answer. For me, it would depend on the ages of the children, what the youngest was doing at 1 am, whether I had another adult at home, etc. I read a lot while nursing. I responded to weekly discussing groups while nursing, etc.

I started with one class. I wasn't sure I could do it. As I said, I had 3 little ones.

I don't think I was better or more capable than anyone else. It wasn't always easy. But, it was a priority for both me and my DH. We figured out how to make it work. I cooked larger meals for leftovers to save time on other days. I worked efficiently onhousework, but some did fall a bitby the wayside. But, my education was more important then a floor that was vacuumed daily. That may not be someone else's priority. But it was mine.

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Old 05-26-2013, 12:58 AM   #392
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Re: Second Wives Club

Leaving a marriage for whatever reason when you don't have a way of financially doing it is hard. It isn't possible for everyone to remain employable or to have a plan in place in case it happens. It is hard enough to make it in the here in now never mind plan for the what ifs.

My husband's job requires him to travel by plane and stay over night sometimes. He works long hours at his one job. We have no family where we are. Day care would literally cost more then I can earn. I can't work evenings because he stays elsewhere in state over night sometimes and it isn't on a schedule and there isn't much advanced planning. I can't volunteer because my kids are always with me and I have no one to watch them. There isn't a graduate program for a career I can move up in my area. A lot of women are in situations where they need to leave or their husbands left them and they have no where to go and they are not in a position to financially be on their own. They were doing fine before so it is hard to leave. If a women sacrificed for her husband and then was in a position where they couldn't support themselves getting rid of alimony will make it harder for a women to leave. More people will be stuck in abusive situations.

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Old 05-26-2013, 02:25 AM   #393
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Just to add: Keeping in contact with people with retain employability only really matters if you had some sort of career before having kids. I doubt lunches with my ex-Publix and Walgreens coworkers would keep that minimum wage door open for my foot to get in. Nor would that support my family and pay for child care even if I did somehow get a job from that. But even beyond that, it's not as if those I worked with have hiring capabilities. Those contacts would do me no good other than telling me whose store had a position available, which is easily discerned with a phone call.

Just wanted to throw that out there.

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Old 05-26-2013, 02:52 AM   #394
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Re: Second Wives Club

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Here's the thing; staying home is a choice. A luxury. Choosing to stay home with not even a second thought as to what would happen if you got divorced/DH got laid off/you got divorced/DH died/DH got injured is risky and foolish.
Staying home is a choice? Not so much for the majority of SAHM's. There are the few, affluent women who can decide whether to go back to work or not purely based on preference. And then there are the many who do the math and see that if they go back to work their salary will cover child care costs, transportation expenses, and little else. Child care for my two kids would be about what I would make if I went back to my old job.

However, yes, women do need to think about the what-ifs and that's why I went to college, got a degree, and had a job that I could go back to if I had to. And we have good life insurance.
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Old 05-26-2013, 03:01 AM   #395
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How do you suppose I do this while basically being a single mother for months at a time and still take proper care of my children though?
I am with the youngest all day. I work with my oldest everyday after school for up to three hours a night on homework. At night I do my sewing to help bring in extra money. And I am babysitting for extra money. When I say extra, I do not mean for frivolous things. It is to help pay for my son's therapy, and past debt.
And putting us further in debt at this time is not an option. Especially since I would most likely not use any degree I earned until the kids are out of school anyways.
For US, it makes more since to go back to school when the kids are older.
I think it is wonderful that you can provide if needed. Even a little jealous in some aspects. But what works for you does not always work for everyone.
Totally honest: You don't sleep. Not even joking, my insomnia is the only reason I have a chance at finishing college. If I get to bed before daylight and manage 1-2hrs I consider myself lucky. I go days when papers are due. And that's only 3/4 time on campus with one class online.

And to the online classes point, that does not work for a LOT of people. It takes immense amounts of self discipline, but on top of that some are hands on learners. I learned that last semester. I barely, and I mean within a single point and a miracle, passed my math class last semester online. I cannot learn some things without being in the room, absorbing the material, and being able to ask questions when they arise in that moment. If every class I took was online, I would flunk out. And I still would require study time and whatnot that takes as much as class time.

To be totally honest, the reason that put me over the top for going back to school was that we can live on the financial aid from semester to semester. I could do it on PELL alone and have no debt; it's a cheap school and I commute in-state. But were it not for that, I doubt I would've done it before the boys were much older. And I certainly didn't anticipate what it took to get it done with kids.

Both boys are in bed by 7 and sleep at least 12hrs. Even the youngest only gets up at the most every 4hrs now. The oldest doesn't get up at all and hasn't for a long time. They don't fight bed time or sleep, still nap in the day, and set their own schedules early on that they stick to with a passion. They are ideal and it's still hard as hell. We get up at 7am in the summer (thanks daylight). The oldest naps once around noon. The youngest naps every 2ish hours in the day. They both nap at the same time during the noon nap every day. I use that time to get things done that will take up time in the evening, or on days when I am about to pass out from exhaustion I attempt a nap as well that will fuel me for another 2-3days. I drop them at mom's at 3:30 and drive an hour and a half to class. I speed dangerously and drive like a maniac to get there on time because it's never traffic-free, and I run across campus. Class from 5-6:15. I make it out of the parking deck around 6:45. If I have 0 errands to run, I pick up my oldest around 8:15. Transfer him seamlessly on most days and go back to get my youngest at 8:30. Get him down quickly most of the time and begin housework by 8:45. Laundry, cleaning, dishes, boiling bottles, sweeping, mopping, etc. If I'm done by midnight it's been a good day. Then I do homework and minimal studying. Generally 2hrs worth per class with laundry and baby wake ups/diaper changes/bottles in between. It's now 6am. I try to doze and hope no one needs anything in the next hour. Don't ask me how I do it for finals, midterms or papers.

I'm dead 100% of the time. On days off school I catch up on errands, schoolwork and assignments, and try to get a nap in somewhere. The amount of sleep I [don't] get is unhealthy. Notice in there I didn't mention eating. I eat once a day, if that, in the middle of the night to keep my blood sugar from bottoming out. I can't afford the time to feed myself after I spend over an hour feeding the kids each time during the day, and I cannot rightly justify to myself wasting time cooking at night for only me. I will pay for living like this in a few years. I know it, and it will be hell.

And my mom watches my boys for free. I work on and off during the day from home, on commission, for extra money. And by extra, I mean yay gas money to get to the grocery store not nail appointments or lunches.

Because of all that, I really don't expect a lot of people to see "making it work" as an option. I'm killing myself and it's insane. I live on cigarettes and sugar fixes to keep going. Sometimes coffee on nights I fall asleep driving home, which is about half the time and horrifying. To be quite frank, I totally get why this isn't doable for some people. It shouldn't be doable for me because it's dangerous and I'm a damned menace to society being on the road most nights. Had I not been suffering from insomnia for over a decade and used to the baseline of awful before adding on the extras for school and kids, I would probably lose my mind. The only reason I still manage to care for my kids is purely out of autopilot for the basic stuff, and saving up what little enthusiasm I still have for waking hours of play time that invoke baby and toddler smiles. It's depressing and sad. I hate it. If it weren't for the fact that I will be done and able to be a human being again while they are still smallish (5 and 4), and we will be out of this hell and on to better futures, I would want to jump off a cliff.

So nope, I don't expect people to suck it up and do it. Plenty of "doable" situations are only doable by surpassing sacrificing convenience and running headfirst into the brick wall of dangerous and/or unhealthy. And that's (IMO) worse for a family than [maybe] keeping a door open.

Tldr; Better for the family is subjective.

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Last edited by Hillargh; 05-26-2013 at 03:45 AM.
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Old 05-26-2013, 03:14 AM   #396
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Re: Second Wives Club

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I'm am far more than an adjunct to my family. I'm an essential part. I'm sorry that you believe that sahp are not an integral part of their families . I honestly plan to never have a job outside of the home no matter the age of my children . Now that does not mean that I don't work or that I never will. I'm in charge of all things household and child related . I'm a cook , a maid , a personal shopper, laundress , gardener, event organize, secretary, child care provider, teacher, landscaper , organizer, spiritual guide , I raise several small animals , and the list could on for days . I honestly don't care if I ever earn a paycheck because the time I spend with my children is worth far more than any paycheck . My children will benefit far more for my time with them than any money I could have thrown at them. They will have more experiences with me staying home because I have the time to spend with them .
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Just understand many of us do all of these things AND work a full time job...
No, you *don't* do *all* those things because you do not care for your children all day. Sorry. WOHM does not = SAHM + work. You can't be in two places at once.

For the record, I have absolutely no judgment towards either choice a woman chooses to make. People should do what works best for their families, period. But to say that a WOHM does everything a SAHM does plus work full time is absolutely factually inaccurate.
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Old 05-26-2013, 03:39 AM   #397
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Re: Second Wives Club

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Totally honest: You don't sleep. Not even joking, my insomnia is the only reason I have a chance at finishing college. If I get to bed before daylight and manage 1-2hrs I consider myself lucky. I go days when papers are due.
How much longer do you have to do this? :O It sounds horrible. And I thought I worked hard in college..
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Old 05-26-2013, 03:42 AM   #398
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How much longer do you have to do this? :O It sounds horrible. And I thought I worked hard in college..
I'm in freshman year. I refuse to think about how much worse it will get before it's over in 3.5yrs LOL

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Old 05-26-2013, 04:26 AM   #399
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Re: Second Wives Club

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I'm in freshman year. I refuse to think about how much worse it will get before it's over in 3.5yrs LOL

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I totally feel you there as I got pregnant with my first at the end of my freshman year in college with my oldest now 8 years. I finished y 4 year degree in 4 years going through summers. It was hard.
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Old 05-26-2013, 04:34 AM   #400
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That right there is what I am talking about. It is not always that one is not willing to contemplate those sacrifices. If someone was to come along and pay for my school and ensure that my kids had the best of care while I took classes, i would contemplate it.
But the money IS.NOT.THERE. Child care in general is expensive, and childcare for a child with special needs is even worse. Once again, the money IS.NOT.THERE.
I do not qualify for grants, low income child care, etc, because my husband makes too much money. They do not take into account that he is basically paying for two households 8 months out of the year. Nor do they care about medical an credit debt we have.
It.just.is.not.as cut and dry as you think it is for most.
Do I wish I had finished school and had gotten a my foot wet in a career before I had a baby? You BET. But it did not work that way. Supposedly It was very unlikely I would ever get pregnant,but we still used birth control. Life had other plans. I got pregnant a whole 3 weeks after we got married.
I WILL be able to provide for myself at some point. But if he left me right now, I would be financially crushed. No amount of digging deeper and believing in myself is going to change that..... Unless you want to pay for school
I have done all my coursework post kids online. Works around my schedule.
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