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Old 05-26-2013, 03:26 PM   #491
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Re: Second Wives Club

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Yep. I have, my views. My view for me is that I didn't have babies, to put them in day care at six-twelve weeks of age. That's me. I am an advocate for our country finding a way to allow at.least one parent stay home for the first year of a childs life . That's my personal opinion but what is good for me may not good for another and I'm old enough to understand that and rejoice in their successes.
Yup, I agree that it's unfortunate that our maternity leave here sucks royally. I do think the best thing for babies is to be home with their mothers (but I know there's always an exception). I wish all women could choose based on what is best for them, their babies, and their family as a whole... and not feel forced to go back to work right away or forced to stay home when they don't want to. Idealist, I know.

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Old 05-26-2013, 03:39 PM   #492
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I see. Snark towards a higher income or comments about the misplaced priorities of working moms are fine. Rudeness towards the opinion that every parent should be able to support offspring--totally acceptable. " Sadness" that someone thinks financial stability is as important as raising babies--cool.

Refusing to accept "I can't" when the real answer is "I won't" or "I don't want to." Well, that's rude.
Especially if you offer ways to change can't to can.

I am a freaking amazing teacher, and that isn't my ego talking. I get incredible results and my kids love me. The main reason? I care about them being able to make their own choices, and I will not accept "can't." I push them and make them think.

When I post here, I do the same. And you know what? Some of the very same people who think my advice is harsh or direct end up thanking me later when that advice helps them or proves to be right. Am I always right? Not at all.

Point taken though. I'll save my advice for someone else.
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Old 05-26-2013, 03:59 PM   #493
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I'm actually so disappointed in the attitude of "some" wohm . I honestly didn't know this attitude existed. Luckily I'm secure in myself and know I'm doing what's right for my family. Hmmmm......do I need to be suspect of wohm from now on and their view on SAHM. I'm seriously shocked that it seems many of you think "it's not good enough".
I WOHM and have a lot of respect for (most) SAHMs. Frankly I'm a little jealous of the ones with school age children that have several hours a day to clean or grocery shop or whatever else without their kids. They've earned that though, after years of being home 24/7 with babies and toddlers. Be suspect of WOHM moms all you want but know we aren't all anti-SAHM. I'm woman enough to admit that I'm probably not cut out to be SAHM and my kids are probably better off being with my mom during the work day than they'd be with me. Sometimes a woman doesn't know what kind of mother she is until after the kids are born.

We keep using the scenario that mom stays home while dad gets educated, the money rolls in, and then dad runs off with the secretary. I'm self employed and DH does actually fear that once I no longer "need" him financially, I'll dump him. I laugh because if I wasn't currently having to make up for his spending habits, I earn enough to get my own small place and support myself and the kids, albeit modestly. He would have the kids half the time so I wouldn't expect or ask for child support.

But anyway, my point is that not all SAHMs are married to high earning men. A lot of the SAHMs on DS struggle to make ends meet and there are often posts in SS about how they can't leave because they have no money, no job skills, and nowhere to go. The ones who do leave have a hard time actually getting child support, let alone alimony.

I'm all for alimony, one a case by case basis, but the reality is most families barely get by with the man working to support ONE household. Supporting TWO households isn't always feasible.

And I probably wouldn't marry or have kids with a man if his existing child support or alimony payments were already a financially struggle for him. DH pays $400/mo for his oldest son. While I would be lying if I claimed to not know exactly how many months are left before DSS is "paid off", DH has always made enough to cover it and its never been a point of contention for us. I agree with a PP who said her XH was very clear to his GF that she could get on board with their arrangement or get off. That's how it should be.
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Old 05-26-2013, 04:02 PM   #494
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I see. Snark towards a higher income or comments about the misplaced priorities of working moms are fine. Rudeness towards the opinion that every parent should be able to support offspring--totally acceptable. " Sadness" that someone thinks financial stability is as important as raising babies--cool.

Refusing to accept "I can't" when the real answer is "I won't" or "I don't want to." Well, that's rude.
Especially if you offer ways to change can't to can.

I am a freaking amazing teacher, and that isn't my ego talking. I get incredible results and my kids love me. The main reason? I care about them being able to make their own choices, and I will not accept "can't." I push them and make them think.

When I post here, I do the same. And you know what? Some of the very same people who think my advice is harsh or direct end up thanking me later when that advice helps them or proves to be right. Am I always right? Not at all.

Point taken though. I'll save my advice for someone else.
Only when you can't accept that for, them they can't. that because you found a way to make it work might not mean someone else can. That doesn't mean they won't necessarily it means that for them, right now, they feel they can't. Accept that in another person . Accept not everyone would or could do what you chose, to do.

I have repeatedly said that I respect Wohms decisions and choices to work rather than Sahm . Do I get frustrated when my friends say they can't afford to be a sahm but yet have 45,000 cars , 500,000 houses , coach purses, etc. well imo if they wanted to stay home they could however I accept that, what they really mean is they like their lifestyle and aren't willing or can't imagine giving up the nice things to be a sahm. I'm ok with that until you start bashing on me with your misconceived notions of how I must be rich, lazy , and stupid. Then I will explain to you how exactly you are wrong.

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Old 05-26-2013, 04:15 PM   #495
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Only when you can't accept that for, them they can't. that because you found a way to make it work might not mean someone else can. That doesn't mean they won't necessarily it means that for them, right now, they feel they can't. Accept that in another person . Accept not everyone would or could do what you chose, to do.

I have repeatedly said that I respect Wohms decisions and choices to work rather than Sahm . Do I get frustrated when my friends say they can't afford to be a sahm but yet have 45,000 cars , 500,000 houses , coach purses, etc. well imo if they wanted to stay home they could however I accept that, what they really mean is they like their lifestyle and aren't willing or can't imagine giving up the nice things to be a sahm. I'm ok with that until you start bashing on me with your misconceived notions of how I must be rich, lazy , and stupid. Then I will explain to you how exactly you are wrong.
If I had to pay for regular daycare for our three kids instead of my mom watching them at a way reduced rate, it wouldn't make sense for me to work. On the other hand, if we had to pay for regular daycare, we wouldn't have had 3 kids.

For comparison, I pay my parents $100/week to watch 3yo DD and 14mo DS2 full time, and 6yo DS1 after school. When they can't watch them I have to pay $275/week at my friend's in home daycare. Before being self employed or having kids, my top pay was $16/hour. By my math it would cost over half my take home pay to have the kids in regular daycare, not counting gas, work clothes, lunch, etc. Given DH's pay, it would've made more sense for me to either stay home OR stop at two kids.
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Old 05-26-2013, 04:27 PM   #496
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If I had to pay for regular daycare for our three kids instead of my mom watching them at a way reduced rate, it wouldn't make sense for me to work. On the other hand, if we had to pay for regular daycare, we wouldn't have had 3 kids.
Yup, this is the case for many. Right now it would be really difficult for me to find a job that would pay me enough to make it worth going back to work full time (and, due to DH's job, flexible enough for me to always be able to pick up the kids on time and be able to be home with them when they were sick... DH has to travel and has a very unpredictable work schedule). Two kids in full-time day care would be very expensive and I don't want to get a job just to pay for day care and possibly give us a bit of extra spending money. For me, I'd rather money be a bit tighter and be home with my kids, rather than feel like I was mostly working to cover paying someone else to be with them. I'd consider getting a part time job if I could swing it with my mom watching our kids instead, but DH and I have discussed that and it's not what either of us truly wants (although sometimes I joke that I need to go back to work simply because being with the kids all the time is getting to me, and maybe we could afford to pay someone to come by once a week to clean our house).

I remember when one of my sister's friends quit her job and stayed home with her baby when she was actually LOSING money by working (when you combined day care costs with gas prices, her commute, etc.).
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Old 05-26-2013, 04:30 PM   #497
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Re: Second Wives Club

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Yes, unfortunately some do feel this way.

I've encountered acquaintances on facebook who have said things like, "I wish I was rich so I could stay home and just play with my kid(s) all day." Because it's so easy, and everyone who does it is rich. I think things like that (which I've heard multiple times) are sometimes just said because someone is sick of working or miss their kids or whatever. But sometimes it does come off in a snarky way. I also know a few people that "can't" stay home but most likely could if they cut back on some things and lived a bit more modestly.

That said, I know some WOHMs that have felt judged by SAHMs, or by other people. My old coworker was almost in tears one day when someone told another woman (who had quit there a few years prior to stay home with their kids) how nice it was that she was staying home "instead of having someone else raise your kids."

The mommy wars are ugly. No matter what you do, someone will think you are wrong. That's why I truly just do my best to just remember to focus on myself and my family, but people can be very rude or obnoxious or hurtful (whether they intend to or not).

I've heard of SAHM having that attitude toward WOHM before...but I've never heard of a person thinking a SAHM is basically not good enough.

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Yep. I have, my views. My view for me is that I didn't have babies, to put them in day care at six-twelve weeks of age. That's me. I am an advocate for our country finding a way to allow at.least one parent stay home for the first year of a childs life . That's my personal opinion but what is good for me may not good for another and I'm old enough to understand that and rejoice in their successes.
It would be great for all mom's here in the US if the financial strain, especially in that first year was gone. I know in my country of origin it is 8 months maternity leave currently.

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Originally Posted by soonerfan View Post
I see. Snark towards a higher income or comments about the misplaced priorities of working moms are fine. Rudeness towards the opinion that every parent should be able to support offspring--totally acceptable. " Sadness" that someone thinks financial stability is as important as raising babies--cool.

Refusing to accept "I can't" when the real answer is "I won't" or "I don't want to." Well, that's rude.
Especially if you offer ways to change can't to can.

I am a freaking amazing teacher, and that isn't my ego talking. I get incredible results and my kids love me. The main reason? I care about them being able to make their own choices, and I will not accept "can't." I push them and make them think.

When I post here, I do the same. And you know what? Some of the very same people who think my advice is harsh or direct end up thanking me later when that advice helps them or proves to be right. Am I always right? Not at all.

Point taken though. I'll save my advice for someone else.

It's because you couldn't let it go. She stated her circumstances, said specifically that she wasn't going to pursue right now, but will down the road. Then you went on and on again .......then instead of taking no for an answer you then dissed her for spending time online on DS. That's why I butted in as to me it was basically a form of picking on her. You didn't get what you wanted and then had a little temper tantrum about it.

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Only when you can't accept that for, them they can't. that because you found a way to make it work might not mean someone else can. That doesn't mean they won't necessarily it means that for them, right now, they feel they can't. Accept that in another person . Accept not everyone would or could do what you chose, to do.

I have repeatedly said that I respect Wohms decisions and choices to work rather than Sahm . Do I get frustrated when my friends say they can't afford to be a sahm but yet have 45,000 cars , 500,000 houses , coach purses, etc. well imo if they wanted to stay home they could however I accept that, what they really mean is they like their lifestyle and aren't willing or can't imagine giving up the nice things to be a sahm. I'm ok with that until you start bashing on me with your misconceived notions of how I must be rich, lazy , and stupid. Then I will explain to you how exactly you are wrong.


Yes^^^^^ I can't tell you the amount of people who said to me that tell me that too. There are some situations where the mom seriously just HAS to work. DH doesn't work, he takes care of the kids. BIL was unemployed and took care of his girls for about 2 years.


But then others.........eating out every day, every brand name clothing you can imagine, uggs, toms, northface and every device that just came out. I know my SIL keeps saying she wants to stay home so badly. They had a mortgage of almost half of ours, made double of what we did at that point. We seriously couldn't figure out why(I was thinking debt could be a factor?) they couldn't make it work.



There is a thread right now on WOHM forum that I see popping up on my screen about if they would quit their job right now if their DH had more money in his paycheck. Almost every 3rd person said yes. I'm not about to go through the thread and grill them as to why they "can't". If they want to make it work they will.......if they don't then they don't.....and if they don't want to then they don't want to.
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Old 05-26-2013, 04:39 PM   #498
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I've heard of SAHM having that attitude toward WOHM before...but I've never heard of a person thinking a SAHM is basically not good enough.

It would be great for all mom's here in the US if the financial strain, especially in that first year was gone. I know in my country of origin it is 8 months maternity leave currently.

It's because you couldn't let it go. She stated her circumstances, said specifically that she wasn't going to pursue right now, but will down the road. Then you went on and on again .......then instead of taking no for an answer you then dissed her for spending time online on DS. That's why I butted in as to me it was basically a form of picking on her. You didn't get what you wanted and then had a little temper tantrum about it.

Yes^^^^^ I can't tell you the amount of people who said to me that tell me that too. There are some situations where the mom seriously just HAS to work. DH doesn't work, he takes care of the kids. BIL was unemployed and took care of his girls for about 2 years.

But then others.........eating out every day, every brand name clothing you can imagine, uggs, toms, northface and every device that just came out. I know my SIL keeps saying she wants to stay home so badly. They had a mortgage of almost half of ours, made double of what we did at that point. We seriously couldn't figure out why(I was thinking debt could be a factor?) they couldn't make it work.

There is a thread right now on WOHM forum that I see popping up on my screen about if they would quit their job right now if their DH had more money in his paycheck. Almost every 3rd person said yes. I'm not about to go through the thread and grill them as to why they "can't". If they want to make it work they will.......if they don't then they don't.....and if they don't want to then they don't want to.
This is exactly right. Some people legitimately "can't" and others just dont want to SAH badly enough to make sacrifices. Or they, like me, just don't want to stay home, period. Could I stay home if I wanted to? Sure. It wouldn't even mean any change to our lifestyle. I just flat out don't want to stay home. I like working. I love my kids. But I can't be around them all day, every day. I would go bonkers. I wish I enjoyed staying home. Life would be less stressful and I love the idea of days spent going to the park, reading, etc. But the reality is just too noisy,messy, and not
Appealing to me.

Sometimes I think women often say "I wish I could stay home" to SAHMs because they think they will be judged for saying "I don't really want to stay home that badly."
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Old 05-26-2013, 04:44 PM   #499
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This is exactly right. Some people legitimately "can't" and others just dont want to SAH badly enough to make sacrifices. Or they, like me, just don't want to stay home, period. Could I stay home if I wanted to? Sure. It wouldn't even mean any change to our lifestyle. I just flat out don't want to stay home. I like working. I love my kids. But I can't be around them all day, every day. I would go bonkers. I wish I enjoyed staying home. Life would be less stressful and I love the idea of days spent going to the park, reading, etc. But the reality is just too noisy,messy, and not
Appealing to me.

Sometimes I think women often say "I wish I could stay home" to SAHMs because they think they will be judged for saying "I don't really want to stay home that badly."

My DH's cousin is exactly the same. She gets super stressed, is very type A personality....everything has to be done right, perfect. Combined with a reflux colicky baby it was not good. So I know exactly what you mean. I think she is better off working too. I think it leads to a better overall family life for them. Funnily enough her DH is now home with the kids the past 2 years. And.....it seems to be working PERFECTLY for them too!



I too take the "I wish I could stay home" with a grain of salt if it's said to me. Ditto with the " I wish I could work" , lol....
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Old 05-26-2013, 04:52 PM   #500
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I see. Snark towards a higher income or comments about the misplaced priorities of working moms are fine. Rudeness towards the opinion that every parent should be able to support offspring--totally acceptable. " Sadness" that someone thinks financial stability is as important as raising babies--cool.

Refusing to accept "I can't" when the real answer is "I won't" or "I don't want to." Well, that's rude.
Especially if you offer ways to change can't to can.

I am a freaking amazing teacher, and that isn't my ego talking. I get incredible results and my kids love me. The main reason? I care about them being able to make their own choices, and I will not accept "can't." I push them and make them think.

When I post here, I do the same. And you know what? Some of the very same people who think my advice is harsh or direct end up thanking me later when that advice helps them or proves to be right. Am I always right? Not at all.

Point taken though. I'll save my advice for someone else.
I got the same response. We are on the wrong side of this discussion I guess.
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