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Old 08-02-2013, 12:05 PM   #171
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Re: June/July Adoption and Foster Care Chat Thread

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Browsing from my phone lately and every time I try to click "previous page" it crashes my browser. So annoying!

Anyway. LOL at kitten syndrome I honestly would be glad to take babies but I cannot handle the toddler stage again. I just can't do it. Both my kids have been/are like cracked out chimpanzees as toddlers. It is a very challenging age for me. I would actually prefer our adopted placement be kindergarten-1st grade age. It is hard though because I worry about the safety of my younger ds with an older and bigger child who isn't his (bio) sibling. I know that if we screen our placement very carefully and supervise well the likelihood of issues is low but I still fuss about that.
Hmmm, your new to foster care, right? Did your agency tell you that if screened properly the likelihood of issues are low? They told us the opposite is actually true. My friend is a director of a foster agency and she said that under 18 months old, most likely no issues. Over that, expect issues. Our babies have been easier. We have 3 girls from the same family, the 7 week old and 15 month old are a lot easier to handle then the 2 year old. Lots of biting, hitting, taking things from my other kids. Crying, whining... And sdhes considerred good with no need for services...could also be the toddler thing. :-). But their siblings (5 and 7) are in a different home and they are really tough kids. They are really sweet when you spend short amounts of time with them but long term there are a lot of anger issues. I guess I just think its better to be prepared for issues and end up with a child that has none then to go into foster care thinking you can screen out which kids will or will not have issues. Also, a lot of times when they call you to take a placement, they don't know much info. Lot of things come out later. They also told us to assume they have been sexually abused, because many of them have been. We have to put ourselves in these kids shoes. They are now living with strangers, they have lived a big portion of their life not being treated right, and most likely they have no aunts or uncles or grandparents that were properly loving on them. Not surprising they have issues. We sometimes think if we give them good food to eat, a nice place to live and lots of love they will be happy. But that just isn't the case most of the time. Our emotions are a lot more complicated then that. I'm not saying you are thinking all of these things but just in general about foster care.

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Old 08-02-2013, 12:27 PM   #172
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Hello I am not a foster mama or adopt mama but I follow your threads. I find it so interesting, you women are amazing! I just wanted to say that even though Im sure kids in the system are going through a lot and have troubles, even kids in their bio homes have issues with good parents. I have a 5 and 7yo (as well as a 10 and 2yo) and my middle two are HARD. 7yo is ADHD and on the spectrum and 5yo is just plain a pain most days right now....defiant, crabby, etc. I think there's much to be said for ingrained personalities as well as nurture. I know my kids aren't abused and are loved and cared for but someone else who sees him in action may think his home is filled with yelling and hostility by the way he behaves sometimes.

Just keep up the good work, keep loving on these kids, eventually the chains will break and they will shine through.
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Old 08-02-2013, 01:03 PM   #173
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Re: June/July Adoption and Foster Care Chat Thread

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Did your agency tell you that if screened properly the likelihood of issues are low? They told us the opposite is actually true. My friend is a director of a foster agency and she said that under 18 months old, most likely no issues. Over that, expect issues.
Oh no. They said the likelihood of getting a child with serious undetected issues is low if you screen well (like a very violent kid, sexual acting out, setting fires etc). I fully expect other issues.. sadly but realistically. We have excellent health insurance and a doctor willing to write referrals for all the psychiatrists, therapy, OT, PT, whatever is needed. I don't think I can "fix" them but I do want to give them the best chance possible.

Brittany has a good point, you definitely can't be sure you won't have issues with bio kids. And you don't know how those issues will evolve either. My ds1 has ADHD and SPD. He is very well managed now, with meds stable for a few years and regular attendance at OT. If you had seen him 5 years ago you would never think it was the same kid. Now (sorry, gotta brag about him for a minute ) not only is he doing great on those fronts but he tested in the 90th percentile and will be in the Highly Capable Learners program in school this fall.

It's funny, I always thought I would have 'kitten syndrome' (still LOL) forever but the older ds1 gets the more I enjoy him. Love tiny babies but they grow up so very fast.
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Old 08-02-2013, 01:06 PM   #174
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Re: June/July Adoption and Foster Care Chat Thread

Katie, I'm sorry to hear that I hope your permanent family member is right around the corner!
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Old 08-02-2013, 01:11 PM   #175
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Re: June/July Adoption and Foster Care Chat Thread

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We have 3 girls from the same family, the 7 week old and 15 month old are a lot easier to handle then the 2 year old.
You have 8 kids right now? That is amazing. Are you planning to adopt? I am in awe of people who can handle that many at once.. I think 3 is my limit.. maybe 4. A very big maybe.
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Old 08-02-2013, 02:20 PM   #176
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Re: June/July Adoption and Foster Care Chat Thread

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You have 8 kids right now? That is amazing. Are you planning to adopt? I am in awe of people who can handle that many at once.. I think 3 is my limit.. maybe 4. A very big maybe.
Yes we have 8 kids now. Our state will only allow 6 kids but they couldn't find anyone in our county or the next that would take them. They have no health or behavior issues but just close in age.
I see that your youngest is only 2. I really don't want to deter you from getting an older child as you may be great at it and I believe we are all so different. Just in my own experience, even though my youngest bio kid is older then our foster kids, it is hard to watch FD bite or hurt my bio daughter and she is older then our FD and can protect herself. FD isn't considered overly violent at all, but even though it's hard for some of us foster parents to admit, I am more bonded to my bio daughter so my mama bear feeling comes out when I see FD being being mean to my bio daughter. If my bio daughter was younger then FD, I know it would be more upsetting to me. I love my foster daughters very much, but its not the same as my own kids. With our first placement, I loved those boys very much but then they went home. So now my heart now just won't go there, not until we know what's going to happen in their case. Now, when she hits my boys it doesn't bother me as much because it doesn't really hurt them as much.
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Old 08-02-2013, 11:58 PM   #177
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We had the first visit with the baby's cw today. It seemed to have gone very well. She tried to give him a bottle, but he wasn't having any of it. She seemed to be leaning towards adoption. She still hasn't made any progress with the possible fathers. She has interviewed 3 members of moms family to take the baby. 2 were ruled out right away. She said she needs to look further into the criminal record of the 3rd. She also said that he doesn't actually have a name on the birth certificate so we can pick a an,e to call him. We told her that we'd like to be a concurrent home. The cw checked out our room where we keep the cosleeper. She said the cosleeper was fine to use, but doesn't mind if we actually cosleep with him.

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Old 08-03-2013, 12:29 AM   #178
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Re: June/July Adoption and Foster Care Chat Thread

IV, I didn't take it that way at all. I appreciate your honesty and your perspective I've spoken with a family member, who is a SW, and when we have our homestudy that's one of the things we plan to ask specifically about. If it turns out that it would be better for us to take a placement younger than both our kids that's what we'll do. If I have to do the toddler stage again I will suck it up and deal with it, lol. DS2 will be 3 by the time the SW actually comes to do our homestudy I'm sure. Maybe by the time I hear from her even :P
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Old 08-03-2013, 06:08 AM   #179
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Re: June/July Adoption and Foster Care Chat Thread

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Katie, I'm sorry to hear that I hope your permanent family member is right around the corner!
Thanks! So do we!
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Old 08-03-2013, 08:02 AM   #180
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Oh and at this point I will only take short term baby placements. We're on our way to adopting our now almost 1yo and no longer have a calling to adopt, but I still want to foster. Our placements will be limited, but that's okay. I want to keep my name known as I hope to get a job in that department once my kids are all in school.
Nah I think baby girl needs a sister!
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