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Old 09-06-2013, 10:22 AM   #1
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time spent cleaning :(

well i work for an independent house cleaning service, working 8 hours a day 3 days a week. i feel like my days off and after work are spent cooking and taking care of every day house taqsks like dishes laundry and floors. my husband picks up after himself pretty well, but i dont like the way he cleans, nor does he do much of it in the first place. when i come home from work im the one that straightens what he messed up that day with my husband when they are home together. i get groceries, make dinner, laundry (including diapers), floors, dusting the list goes on and on. since starting my cleaning job i can whip through it pretty fast and on average i get what i need to get done in about 2 hours (which turns into a little here a little there all day because im usually with my son while i clean. but i dont feel im going crazy and doing things like scrub base boards every day. things that need to be done if my day is to go smoothly for my son and i.

i guess i am just frustrated at the bitter taste i have for my dh. we tend to bicker and disagree on alot of small stupid things.

i feel like his naggy mother if i write down a to do list, or tell him to do things. but i feel so obligated to do it all or nothing otherwise it wont get done in time for my sons next escapade. please tell me im not alone.

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Old 09-06-2013, 10:32 AM   #2
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Re: time spent cleaning :(

Can you have a little discussion about what you would normally do if you were home with your son, other than just playing with himLike this:

Run the vacuum in the kitchen and one other room
Put a load in the washer, take a load out of the dryer, fold and put away
Run dishwasher, or put away, whichever cycle it is.

This is the least I do o a regular day, so if it doesn't happen even on the weekends, then the house falls apart fast, so just as nicely as you can without accusing him, try to let him know that he needs to do at least these things, then on your days home you can keep up with stuff, like baseboards, cleaning out the fridge, shopping cooking, organizing, rest o the laundry, and list a bunch of things, so he knows you are still doing a TON, but you are just asking for help to keep up, so it doesn't blow up.

You can even start the laundry before you leave for work, that way you can stain treat how you want, and he just needs to change to the dryer and fold and put away.

He's also probably getting use to how busy a day can feel when all you are doing is making sure the baby is fed and clean and safe.

Hope you can work it out.
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Old 09-06-2013, 11:57 AM   #3
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Re: time spent cleaning :(

That really isn't fair - you should definitely get some down time when you're at home and expect some help from your husband with chores.

The way I see my job on a daily basis, I am taking care of the kids - playing with them, taking them to playground/library/doctor/etc, meal planning/shopping/cooking - all the other cleaning and miscellaneous tasks are kind of bonus. I like to keep up with the laundry - a load or so a day, load/unload the dishwasher, and try to keep the kitchen floor not disgusting (that is really a losing battle with my kids, though). It sounds like your standards are pretty high if you're spending 2 hours a day cleaning? (Disclaimer: I'm a slob, though, and clean the baseboards never). You may need to lower them a bit if you're going to accept DH's help and give yourself some downtime as well.

As a SAHM, I know it would not sit well with me if DH made me a to do list of household chores to complete while he's at work. How many/what hours does your husband work? Around here, I feel the least naggy when DH has easy and recurring chores - unloading dishwasher in the AM, switching around some laundry, reading most of the bedtime stories. I do not feel at all bad saying, after dinner and bedtime for kids, "Ugh, I'm tired. Would you mind loading the dishes?" He also doesn't mind because he likes to do nice things for me. Even better is that after a few times, it becomes his thing. Then, once in a while I do the dishes and he feels like I'm being nice to him. So maybe give him a couple of easier tasks and work your way up from there? Like ask him to take your son grocery shopping. Ask him to put in a load of diapers. I'd phrase it less like, "Here's your list of chores for the day" and more like "Oh crud, we're out of milk and some other important stuff. Can you get to the grocery for X, Y, and Z?"

I think sometimes men just don't see what needs to be done or know what to do. If I say to DH that the house is a mess and company is coming and needs to be cleaned up, he honestly does not know where to begin. So I really don't expect him to do a lot of deep cleaning type stuff. My husband is willing, but he's just not good at it, so part of accepting his help is accepting that he doesn't do it the way I might. Once in a while after the kids are in bed, I'll say, "Hey, it's seriously messy, how about we spend 15 minutes cleaning before we pop some popcorn and watch a movie?" Then I give him a job, like wiping down the half bath while I vacuum the living room. Then we both quit for the night and relax. That is where the lower standards comes in.

Of course, if you've already asked for his help, told him you feel like you don't have enough time to relax and he's like "Tough, you're the wife so it is your job and not mine to keep the home. I'll just sit here while you scrub that toilet," then I don't know - you've got deeper problems. As your partner, he should want to make your life easier and more pleasant. My husband does not clean the toilet because he cares about cleaning the toilet, he does it because if he doesn't then I'll have to and he wants to be nice to me.
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Old 09-06-2013, 05:35 PM   #4
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Re: time spent cleaning :(

Make him a list. It's not nagging, it's practical. One thing I've learned after 9 years of marriage is that men like direct communication :-)
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Old 09-06-2013, 05:47 PM   #5
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Re: time spent cleaning :(

First, something that jumped out at me was that you don't like the way he cleans. If yo want his help, you will need to first accept that he won't clean the same way you do, and that is ok.

Second, I agree that men like direct communication. So talk to him. Tell him you come home and see the messes and tha makes it hard to relax and tha you need help. But then instead o just telling him what to do, ask him what he could do to help you. That gently opens a discussion a out everyone's expectations.
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Old 09-06-2013, 07:23 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post
First, something that jumped out at me was that you don't like the way he cleans. If yo want his help, you will need to first accept that he won't clean the same way you do, and that is ok.
Well, there's not liking how he cleans and then not liking the results. If I ask DH to vacuum and he leaves dusty carpet in all the corners, or mop but the edges are grimy, then its just not acceptable. If I just don't like that he cleans the toilet with a clorox wipe instead of a sponge and spray that's different
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Old 09-06-2013, 07:35 PM   #7
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Re: time spent cleaning :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post
First, something that jumped out at me was that you don't like the way he cleans. If yo want his help, you will need to first accept that he won't clean the same way you do, and that is ok. .

Yes. Expectations are premeditated resentments.
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Old 09-06-2013, 07:46 PM   #8
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Re: time spent cleaning :(

I was coming form the stand point of he may not know what to do or how often you do it, so letting him know would be a step in the right direction. Communication is the key.

I'm probably not the best help since my DH is awesome and would probably be a better house keeper than I am and I'm pretty picky
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Old 09-06-2013, 08:04 PM   #9
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Re: time spent cleaning :(

Oh sister I'm sorry. I my self am struggling with what are DP responsibilities and mine. Right now he is the only one working outside the home, and we have one DD almost 6 months old. Of coarse I have certain expectations and he has his, both for ourselves, our household and each other. I feel overwhelmed by household duties, not that they are impossible, but when I have a free moment without baby in my arms or boob, I'm cleaning. And if i have to pick up after DP I lose it. I know he works hard and is tired, but how to balance that with the new baby and house hold duties......?

If you come up with an answer or system please let me know! Hang in there!
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Old 09-06-2013, 08:38 PM   #10
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Re: time spent cleaning :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by luvof3boyz View Post
Yes. Expectations are premeditated resentments.
I love this quote!
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