Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-20-2014, 11:55 AM   #1
Mama*Kim's Avatar
Mama*Kim
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 6,301
My Mood:
Is your DH a good labor support?

DH was an awful labor support the last two times around. He simply doesn't know what to do, so his reaction is basically to do nothing. Both of the last two were long, slow back labors. I've tried explaining to him a few times what I want from him this time around and he glazes over like I'm speaking Latin. All I really want from him is to encourage me to walk around, to apply counter pressure if I have back labor, and to be emotionally involved (instead of watching tv and texting). I don't expect him to do perineal massages, participate in hypnobirthing type stuff, anything super involved.

Am I asking too much? He says he's totally willing to do it, but when I talk about any of it, he doesn't seem to pay attention. Are other fathers reasonably involved in the labor process or am I totally romanticizing this? FWIW, the only other woman he's discussed labor with is his sister who has itty bitty, five pounders who basically walk right out after super short labors.

Advertisement

__________________
Hi! I'm Shannon Wife to J
Mama to a couple of crazy boys - L (12/07) and E (2/11)
and Meatball coming 4/14
Mama*Kim is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-20-2014, 12:01 PM   #2
justineybean's Avatar
justineybean
Registered Users
sitesupporter
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,064
My Mood:
My DH and I took the Bradley method class w/ my first baby. When I was in labor he was very present and tried to do anything I asked but when you're in labor you don't want to have to ask. I hired a doula for my second birth. Best money I ever spent. Another woman who had experienced birth and also had supported other women during labor. She was amazing. My DH was so nervous he was queasy and had to lay down. I would've been totally alone if I had counted on him. oh how I love him and oh how he wanted to help but no, he was not very helpful in the moment!

Last edited by justineybean; 01-20-2014 at 12:02 PM.
justineybean is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-20-2014, 12:01 PM   #3
Ber10512's Avatar
Ber10512
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 456
I'm curious what others have to say about this as well. I am definitely concerned with my DH and the LO due in April. I don't think that he intentionally loses focus about stuff, but his response to highly stressful situations is to zone out and go to his happy place... which just makes things more stressful. Then when he comes back to earth and tries to help, I find him more annoying than helpful. =\
__________________
From my iPhone =)
Ber10512 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-20-2014, 12:20 PM   #4
twood80
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,859
Re: Is your DH a good labor support?

My DH is supportive, but I don't expect him to remember anything. He isn't the type to stand up to the medical community in a pressure situation either, so he's not a good advocate for me but at least he won't bring up "trouble" (ie he won't ask me if I want that epidural now). My expectations for him are to do what I ask him when I ask him, such as climb in the tub with me, hold my head, hold my legs, keep my legs from cramping, etc. Then again, if he ever tried to pick up electronics while I was in active labor, they'd probably end up dunked in said tub (fortunately he's not that attached to his electronics to try).

If he were having more trouble with the basic things, I'd give him a list (okay, he expects that from me, yours may or may not). "Here are the things I want you to do for me". A written list he can pull out of his pocket.

However I also realize this is the type of overwhelming situation (for both DH and I) where we won't remember all the options/suggestions/ideas, despite having read a lot of books, taken classes and practiced together, etc. Which is why we're having a doula again, to provide those suggestions when they see what I'm currently doing may no longer be optimal. The doula has experience and has BTDT, my DH does not. Also, it gives DH a break, theoretically, to go grab food or hit the bathroom if I have another marathon labor. And someone other than you can be telling DH how to help you, so you don't have to try to come up with the words

Last edited by twood80; 01-20-2014 at 12:21 PM.
twood80 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-20-2014, 12:21 PM   #5
squirrelgirl's Avatar
squirrelgirl
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: tennessee
Posts: 841
My Mood:
Re: Is your DH a good labor support?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama*Kim View Post
DH was an awful labor support the last two times around. He simply doesn't know what to do, so his reaction is basically to do nothing. Both of the last two were long, slow back labors. I've tried explaining to him a few times what I want from him this time around and he glazes over like I'm speaking Latin. All I really want from him is to encourage me to walk around, to apply counter pressure if I have back labor, and to be emotionally involved (instead of watching tv and texting). I don't expect him to do perineal massages, participate in hypnobirthing type stuff, anything super involved.

Am I asking too much? He says he's totally willing to do it, but when I talk about any of it, he doesn't seem to pay attention. Are other fathers reasonably involved in the labor process or am I totally romanticizing this? FWIW, the only other woman he's discussed labor with is his sister who has itty bitty, five pounders who basically walk right out after super short labors.
My DH is just like this. Bless his heart he wants to help, I know he does, but he just freezes almost. Not so much panic but more like an anxiety freeze up. I have really long back labors too and we read the Bradley book for dd2 and it still didn't help. He read the whole book and even took notes but when the time came he had the same freezy reaction. I'm sure it will be the same with any future births too. It just is what it is I guess.
__________________
I'm Brittany! Wife to B since 10/09 & blessed CDing, BFing, BWing momma to K(4/11) & P(11/12).

Because the sinless Savior died, my sinful soul is counted free!
squirrelgirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-20-2014, 01:09 PM   #6
Palooka's Avatar
Palooka
Registered Users
Formerly: jenn.***
seller
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,449
My Mood:
Re: Is your DH a good labor support?

This is one of the only pieces of advice I practically hurl at pregnant couples: spend the money for a quality birthing class that you both attend and take seriously. And I don't mean a Saturday afternoon. I mean weeks of classes.

Would your partner show up to the final for a physics class having never attended a single lecture? Would he or she try to get a driver's license without ever having sat in a car or opened the manual? A great birthing class is to labor as basic-training is to war--you drill your body and mind to handle a strange, demanding situation, so that when you're in it you don't even question what you should do.

We took a 9+ week class, for a total of nearly 20 hours of class, role-playing, reading, discussion, and Q&A about childbirth. It was bar none the best decision we could have made. My hubby was a freaking rockstar while I was in labor.
Palooka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-20-2014, 01:18 PM   #7
traderbren's Avatar
traderbren
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Harford County, MD
Posts: 1,951
My Mood:
My husband was an awesome support person. He paid attention to what I needed, talked to the nurses for me, held the bedpan for me when it was over, told me how great I was doing, and was genuinely excited to help.
__________________
Brenda married to John since 2006, SAHM to Brigid (12/07) and Emily (9/11)
My Snark-o-meter is broken. Please be assured that 99% of what I post is not intended to be snarky or judgmental.
traderbren is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-20-2014, 01:26 PM   #8
trying4more's Avatar
trying4more
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North. Bay Area, Cali.
Posts: 9,526
My Mood:
My DH tries so hard! He's a very loving man in general but he seems so lost when I'm in labor! He tries, but there is just something about my sister that I want more when I'm in labor! But my DH stays right next to me the whole time and runs when I get thirsty or hot!
__________________
Ariana Armando
{M.o3'} {E.o5'} {C.o9'} {S.12'} {D.14'}
.o8 .13
trying4more is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-20-2014, 01:36 PM   #9
kaydove's Avatar
kaydove
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Guadalajara, Mexico
Posts: 1,321
My Mood:
Write what you want down. Maybe make flash cards on a ring that he can flip through easily. Put "lower back pain" on one side then the description of what to do on the other. Make another one about bringing you water, when to go to the hospital, etc.
__________________
Pagan mama to her little Witchling Seraphina, born 2/21/2012 at home.

ISO: free or cheap shipping to or within Mexico.
kaydove is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-20-2014, 01:37 PM   #10
kaydove's Avatar
kaydove
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Guadalajara, Mexico
Posts: 1,321
My Mood:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Palooka View Post
This is one of the only pieces of advice I practically hurl at pregnant couples: spend the money for a quality birthing class that you both attend and take seriously. And I don't mean a Saturday afternoon. I mean weeks of classes.

Would your partner show up to the final for a physics class having never attended a single lecture? Would he or she try to get a driver's license without ever having sat in a car or opened the manual? A great birthing class is to labor as basic-training is to war--you drill your body and mind to handle a strange, demanding situation, so that when you're in it you don't even question what you should do.

We took a 9+ week class, for a total of nearly 20 hours of class, role-playing, reading, discussion, and Q&A about childbirth. It was bar none the best decision we could have made. My hubby was a freaking rockstar while I was in labor.
As a Doula, I second that!
__________________
Pagan mama to her little Witchling Seraphina, born 2/21/2012 at home.

ISO: free or cheap shipping to or within Mexico.
kaydove is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.