Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-04-2014, 07:03 PM   #1
5Roadies
Registered Users
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 178
My Mood:
How do you handle sibling fighting?

I am sure this has been addressed, but wanted some advice. My 4.5 year old twin boys fight a lot. Not constantly. They like each other and play well together and want to be together most of the time. We are putting them in separate classes for pre-K next year, and hopefully having some time apart will be helpful. We tried separate rooms at night, but they hated it and cried and said they were scared, missed each other, etc. I do 20 minutes of special one-on-one time with them every single day.

When they fight, it always leads to hitting, throwing a toy at each other, biting, etc. I try to intervene early, but I am not always right there. I have tried time outs, as well as talking through a better way to work it out. Their fight are nearly always over a toy.

I just don't feel like this is getting better! I feel like they have good verbal skills and should be able to at least attempt to work it out!

Advertisement

__________________
SAHM to ID twin boys 10/09 and baby girl 9/12, wife to a sweet and handsome redhead
A little crunchy, a little thrifty.
Life is good for the 5 Roadies!
5Roadies is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-04-2014, 07:52 PM   #2
MamaV4boys
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 3
Re: How do you handle sibling fighting?

Following because when this is problem is answered/solved I want to know the answer!

My two oldest (9 and 7) fight horrible!!! They are complete opposites!
MamaV4boys is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-04-2014, 08:13 PM   #3
KaleidoscopeEyes's Avatar
KaleidoscopeEyes
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Springfield Missouri
Posts: 14,777
My Mood:
Re: How do you handle sibling fighting?

Haha dh enjoys making them hug lmao
__________________
Super crunchy, atheist, vegetarian, liberal WOH and student mama to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wesley 16, Seth 9, Pandora Moonlilly 5 and Nevermore Stargazer 2, married to my awesome sahd artist hubby and partner to my amazing writer/techy boyfriend
KaleidoscopeEyes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2014, 07:42 AM   #4
jbug_4's Avatar
jbug_4
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chase, MI
Posts: 6,691
My Mood:
Re: How do you handle sibling fighting?

First step for us is to tell them to share the toy or said toy will be taken away. If they don't toy gets taken away. They usually move on to something else. Now if its just one of those days and it keeps going and going then we separate them for a bit and make them do something to chill out. We usually make one sit on one couch and the other sit on the other and watch a show. Or look at books, or have whatever small but quiet toy with them. Crafts work too- one kid on one side of the table, other kid on the other side. That usually works for us. But mine our 3 and 7 boy and girl so I imagine that changes the situation a bit.
__________________
SAHM to LR 7/26/07 and IHM 10/6/10, wife to a self proclaimed genius, ex-navy guy. Going places and doing things that I always dreamed of, but never imagined I would.
jbug_4 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2014, 09:49 AM   #5
mibarra
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 8,968
It's age and normal. When mine (5 and 3) fight over a toy, it just depends. If one is snatching, they get in trouble. Some toys are to share and some are special to one child. You don't get to snatched a special toy from your sibling. If they hurt each other time out for both, then apologies including what they are sorry for, why it was wrong, and appropriate action in future situations. Sometimes I just send them to separate rooms to play til they chill out.
mibarra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2014, 02:03 PM   #6
5Roadies
Registered Users
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 178
My Mood:
Re: How do you handle sibling fighting?

Ok, these are great suggestions! I appreciate the advice and good ideas. I especially like the idea of putting the toy away and then sending them to separate areas to chill.

One additional question for you all- do you always "punish" in some manner for hitting, biting, etc? One of my twins tends to get really "ramped up" and we are trying to minimize the escalating of situations. For example, if "B" hits "A" over a toy squabble, and I send "B" to time-out, he will VERY often have a tantrum of 45 minutes or more, including knocking over furniture, throwing things, etc. I'd like to avoid making a huge deal out of a hitting episode where "A" didn't really get hurt, but I don't want to send the message that hitting is an ok way to deal with getting your own way. But, I'd rather "pick my battles" and go to the mat with "B" about the most important things, instead of ten-times-a-day fights over toys.

FWIW, I saw a child psychologist about the tantrums and she thought it sounded normal and to work with him on techniques for dealing with his anger/frustration. But I didn't specifically ask her about an alternative to time-out for hitting, or if I really need to focus on getting him to stop hitting/biting/throwing things, and just need to deal with the tantrums.

By the way "B" has the major tantrums following time-out, but "A" and "B" hit each other equally.
__________________
SAHM to ID twin boys 10/09 and baby girl 9/12, wife to a sweet and handsome redhead
A little crunchy, a little thrifty.
Life is good for the 5 Roadies!
5Roadies is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2014, 02:26 PM   #7
mibarra
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 8,968
You could try this apology:
I am sorry for X. It was wrong because Y. Next time I will Z. Please forgive me.

Takes some support at first but forces them to think.

Something as simple as renaming a consequence can help. Instead of time out it could be cool down or reflection... we don't always do time out for hitting. Sometimes they get 1 chance. Sometimes it's just easier go separate and the offender has to go find something new to do.
mibarra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2014, 02:33 PM   #8
jbug_4's Avatar
jbug_4
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chase, MI
Posts: 6,691
My Mood:
Re: How do you handle sibling fighting?

He's throwing the tantrum after the time out or during? Mine don't really do that or the tantrums don't last but a few minutes. Since they are during the time out ds knows he can't get up until he stops and I don't care how long that takes. i just remind him that he will not be getting up until he settles down and stops fussing. For after I think I'd send him to his room alone. he can still play but it lets him know that its not acceptable to act that way and he can't come back to be part of the regular play until he chills out.

But for most of our hits they get a lecture. We talk about how it we would feel if someone hit us and how we won't have very many friends if we hit them, how they have words they need to use words, we can't understand what is wrong when you hit instead of use words, that kind of stuff. We do make sure to put ds (he is pretty much the only one that hits) in time out of he hits in anger. You know that really angry second they have sometimes- he gets time out for hitting when angry. And also if someone is hurt.

Hitting is a phase that needs to be addressed but if he is reacting so badly to time outs then you'll have to find something else. The whole point of a time out is for them to remove themselves from the situation and chill out. Its not really suppose to be a punishment, its suppose to calm them down. If its having the opposite effect then its just not working. What good is 4 mins of punishment if you spend the next 45 dealing with a tantrum. you could try the "your not allowed up until you stop" and send him right back if he starts the tantrum up again but I imagine that will be a battle the first few times and it still might not work.
__________________
SAHM to LR 7/26/07 and IHM 10/6/10, wife to a self proclaimed genius, ex-navy guy. Going places and doing things that I always dreamed of, but never imagined I would.
jbug_4 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2014, 03:27 PM   #9
5Roadies
Registered Users
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 178
My Mood:
Re: How do you handle sibling fighting?

Thanks ladies. I appreciate the insight. I agree- we are doing more harm than good if he is already riled up and hitting, then throws a huge tantrum about having to do a time out. And I love the idea about the apology and how they will do better next time.
__________________
SAHM to ID twin boys 10/09 and baby girl 9/12, wife to a sweet and handsome redhead
A little crunchy, a little thrifty.
Life is good for the 5 Roadies!
5Roadies is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2014, 04:39 PM   #10
Suzi
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 3,169
My Mood:
Re: How do you handle sibling fighting?

I think you just need to make sure that the hitting/tantrum/whatever NEVER gets him what he wants. I had to video tape my dh to show him how dsd's tantrums is how he has taught her to act to get what she wants. Here's a basic rundown...
1. Asks for something, told no,
2. throws a fit--screams at him, she will go to her room cry, say we all hate her, hit herself (that's new)
3. he will go talk to her to try to calm her down, they have a 1:1 for 30min
4. She at least partly gets what she wants since she talked to him (or she gets something else treat like)

She's working on an anger workbook with me and is getting some insight but she 9.5. In our 5 years together she has never thrown a fit like that for me. She has learned to try other things to get what she wants.

After I taped it (unknown to him) he saw that really he needs to make it possible for her to talk before the fit and not let the fit be the door to getting what she wants. So for now he actually leaves a lot of the time (goes on a walk) as long as I'm home. We saw a HUGE increase in fit strength at first but now she is doing better.
__________________
Suzi, working mama to my ODS(2004) , YDS(2006), DSD(2004) and married to the love of my life
Suzi is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.