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Old 06-05-2007, 08:05 AM   #1
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Mom's working out of the home...

My husband and I are thinking that I am going to have to go back to work on a temporary basis until he graduates.

It will take the pressure off him and we'd get free tuition...

He'd stay at home with Esther on no school days, the other 2 she'd go to his moms.

Its breaking my heart, but my husband can't take the load he has been doing...

School, Work, Youth Pastor, Family .... Last semester was a nightmare. We barely made it emotionally, physically or financially. (living on $700 a month)

I'm really scared to leave her, I was always going to be a stay at home mom....

How is your relationship with DC?

How do keep that Closeness?

I'm so afraid of her not liking me or wanting someone else other than me.

I know its selfish, and I just have to remind myself that working moms have GREAT relationships with there children.

Any encouragement would be great. I need hugs.

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Old 06-05-2007, 10:32 AM   #2
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Re: Mom's working out of the home...

I always wanted to be a SAHM but it didn't work out for us. My dh is self employed so money is never guaranteed to be there at any given time. It all depends on when people pay. So the stress on him was unbelievable when I was home with ds for his first 8 months. I went back to work unwillingly and cried every day- on the way to work on the way home in bed at night. I guess I was grieving. I felt like something was missing all day every day. I HATED the fact that someone else was getting to be with him all day and I had to go be with 23 other people's kids (I'm a teacher.)

Anyway- ds was fine with the whole thing. He didn't have any adjustment issues besides being clingy when I was with him- but he was always one who prefered to be held all the time. I adjusted eventually. what helped me though was to still be the one who got him up in the morning, picked out his clothes for the day, packed his bag for daycare, made his bottles and his lunch and did the whole bedtime routine with him. Those things made me feel connected to him and what he was doing, eating, wearing, etc.

Those first few months back I stayed with him whenever I could (nights, weekends) and took time off when it felt like too much to be away so much! I also was diligent about keeping as many of our routines as possible and continuing to do the things we loved to do together when we were together. Now he is 2 and the happiest, funniest, most easy going, well adjusted kid you would ever meet. He LOVES his daycare family and misses all of the activity and the kids when he is home with me on vacation weeks. But he still prefers his mama over anyone else- by far- and complains when I leave him in the morning whether with daddy or at daycare.

I think being with other people in another situation has made him adapt easily to different situations and get along well with lots of other people- kids and adults. I know your situation is different but I guess I just want to let you know that there will be good things that come of this that you can't foresee at this point. And you probably will grieve about it for awhile and things will be challenging. But I will tell you what a friend told me when I was in the midst of the worst of it. She said- nothing is forever- everything is temporary. Just because you can't stay home right now, it doesn't mean you will never be able to stay home again.

So just get through this period the best way you can. Make the most of the time you do have with her. Connect with her day any way you can even while you are not there. And remember it is just a short period in your baby's life, one she may not even remember. Look for the good that comes out of it! It will be hard, but it won't be forever.

HTH

BTW- one thing that helped me too is this little chart my daycare provider fills out every day that lets me know how he slept, how his moods were, how well he ate at mealtime, what he has for snack, BM's and stuff like that. You could make one for your husband and mother to fill out- LOL- then you will know all about her day! (PM me if you want to see it. )
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Old 06-05-2007, 10:41 AM   #3
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Re: Mom's working out of the home...

I'm a full-time teacher. I went back to work when dd was 8 weeks old. I get to spend summers and breaks with her, but I'm more wohm than anything else. It was really, really tough at the begining, but I've found that working as I do, it just makes me all the more aware to use the time we do have together as best possible. I feel like I'm much more aware and thankful for the time we do have. There's absolutly no worries that she likes me less since I work - she LOVES me and is so much more demonstrative with me than anyone else. We stay really close - I don't feel like I need to be *with* her every single second to be close. I mean, I'm close with dh and we don't spend all day, every day together.
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Old 06-05-2007, 12:01 PM   #4
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Re: Mom's working out of the home...

I agree too it was very rough in the beginning, but as with everything you get used to it and make necessary adjustments. One thing I feel is very important as a WOHM is to not put FULL priority on house things that need to be done. DH is usually working when we get home , so I try to spend so many minutes with landon either playing, holding, talking to, etc. when I first get home, rather than starting supper immediately or starting on laundry immediately, KWIM? One of the biggest things I learned having to work outside the home is that the time spent with DC should be focused on Quality and not Quantity. For example if you only have 45 minutes to spend and you realllly reallly need to get supper started, you make the most of those 45 minutes you possibly can. DC just cares that you're happy and content and that you don't feel tension and take it out on them (from having rough day or whatever). Then interact while starting supper (sometimes I do this by putting him in high chair and going over flashcards, or I'll talk to him and tell him what i'm doing, or i'll 'wear' him. ) then when supper is at a point I can leave it alone or let it cook for a while, I go back to spending time with DS. Trust me it will be worth it to take some of the load off DH. If your DC has your undivided attention, they don't care if it's 30 min or two hours. Best wishes.

ETA: I had to go back to work at 7 weeks. :-( It took longest time to leave daycare house without crying. I can look back at it and laugh it off now. I don't feel our closeness has been compromised...me and DH is always who he runs to first and who he's most comfortable with. I was jealous that someone else was being able to care for my child during those 8 hours instead of me but once we got home honey it's all about us!!! And we still get up in the middle of the night (going through a phase). We cuddle and hug and play and read and all those things!!
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Old 06-05-2007, 01:38 PM   #5
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Re: Mom's working out of the home...

I have no doubt that as much as dd loves "Abuela" Juanita, her caregiver, she knows I am mommy and prefers me over all others! I was fortunate enough to be able to take 24 weeks of maternity leave. We co-slept until she was 14 mos (she's 19 mos, now) and I wore her regularly around the house until she became mobil and now just wear her for outings (including the grocery store and things like that).

Your child will always know you are mommy. I've always wanted to be a SAHM mom, too, but wouldn't you know, I'm the sole breadwinner? Totally sucks, but that is a whole different topic. In any event, I am also the primary caregiver - which is exhausting - but I wouldn't have it any other way since I, admittedly selfishly, want to spend as much time with her as I can. So, I do the entire bedtime routine and morning routine - save dropping her off at the day care provider's. Dh does that before he heads to class.

Just be there when you are there, KWIM? And indulge your child when you can tell she needs more mommy time. When I went back to work, dd had been in the crib for 1 month or so. Two weeks after I went back she totally refused the crib without horrible crying spells. That just told me she needed more mommy time and we went back to co-sleeping. You will be able to feel your way through this, just as you have other aspects of your mother/child relationship.

You'll be fine. And dc will be, too!
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Old 06-05-2007, 02:31 PM   #6
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Re: Mom's working out of the home...

Thank you so much ladies that really helps!!!!

One think I have noticed with being home is that we have quantity time, but not so much 'quality' time because I am always doing house work, running errands etc.

And you know, I barely have any memories of being under 3, after that my mum was a SAHM until I was 8.

I think knowing its temporary will definately help, plus saving $50,000 in tuition will take back the stress of paying it back when DH does graduate.

Its REALLY helped me hearing all your stories!!!

Thank you sooooo much!!!
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Old 06-05-2007, 02:38 PM   #7
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Re: Mom's working out of the home...

I went back to work when DD#1 was exactly 6 weeks old. She's 2 1/2 now and I just became a SAHM 4 weeks ago since DD#2 is due in 6 weeks. DD#1 will NOT leave me alone. She won't play with her room full of toys. She would much rather follow me and when I leave to run to the store after my boyfriend gets home she will have a mini-breakdown. So I don't think having spent a very extensive amount of time in the care of others has effected her feelings for me. When we'd pick her up from daycare she would run to the door yelling "Mommy! Day-did!" and was always excited to see us.
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