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Old 06-22-2006, 02:44 AM   #21
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Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)

I dunno, maybe it's my age, but what I'm reading here absolutely shocks me. Since when did birth become a spectator sport??? I don't display my private parts for crowds, or even for family (except DH)! Neither my mom nor my inlaws would dream of intruding unasked at such a time. This time around, for several reasons I asked my mom if she'd LIKE to be present, and she was uncomfortable with the idea. Heck, I don't barge in on my 16 y.o. DD's checkups.

Their "right" to be there, or to hold the baby when you're just getting used to the idea of his arrival? How about your right to privacy, recovery and family time? I'm all for the "don't tell till you're ready for the visit" approach.

If you're in a hospital, once the baby is born, you might be able to enlist the nurses to keep him in the nursery for a while, and tell visitors to come at a scheduled time when all they can do is look.

If anyone tried to give me a hard time about this, I'd smile and say in my best "mommy voice," "Don't worry -- if you're a little patient, you'll get a turn, too. Right now, it's Mommy's turn." Let them know with some humor that they're acting childish.

Good luck!

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Old 06-22-2006, 08:10 AM   #22
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Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)

Thanks everybody. I hate feeling like I'm being a total b!tch...I want to be sensitive to other people's feelings...but I'm just so sick of hearing about how the MW likes to do things and how the nurses like to do things and how the ped likes it and what dh wants and what the grandparents want and it seems like the only person whose wishes no one cares about are mine and the kids. And I hope I'm not just being selfish, I'm trying to think about the children...DJ's only 2 years old...none of us know how he's going to react to the new baby. And as for the new baby, being born seems like a pretty traumatic thing even without having 200 people passing you around and all that! I just don't understand why it's like it's such a competition to be the first one to see or hold the new baby. Let the new family have some space!

It's hard for my mom to deal with because her sister's daughter is the one that wants the whole town there for her births...so when my mom and her sister talk, my aunt has been to prenatal visits, ultrasounds, in the room for the birth and all that. MIL just forced herself on SIL and SIL won't stand up to her so it's the same with them. MIL goes to every prenatal visit, all the ultrasounds, childbirth class, and forced her way into the delivery room even though SIL told me that she didn't want her there. SIL lets her get away with all that which makes me look even worse when I stand up for myself. It is reassuring to hear that others feel the same way though. I have a feeling the ILs are probably coming to visit this weekend...dh hasn't mentioned it yet but I just have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach . So I think we're all going to have a heart to heart...if dh won't tell them to stay away, I will!

Thanks everybody!
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Old 06-22-2006, 08:31 AM   #23
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Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)

OMG! that's just horrible - like my worst nightmare. Thankfully both my mom & MIL would never even ask about being present for the birth. I totally don't blame you for not wanting to have them present for L&D or visiting until you're darn good and ready for them to come. When DD was born we were fortunate enough to be living a long way away from both sets of parents and told them that we didn't want any visitors for the first couple of weeks. That worked out great - they might have grumbled to themselves, but by the time they came I was actually looking forward to the visit not dreading it. We also didn't call to tell anyone I was in labor - we called them after she was born. The next time around I'm not sure how it will go b/c we now live close to the in-laws and will most likely need them to take care of DD. So we can't exactly sneak off to the hospital. I'm still thinking I don't want hospital visitors or even house visitors for a while though....it's just too important a time for bonding for all of you (you, dh, and both kids).

anyway, good luck sticking to your guns.
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Old 06-22-2006, 09:57 AM   #24
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Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)

I am right there with you! I am the same way. I dont want anyone around unless I asked them to be around and I dont want ANYONE around my new baby! I am very protective LOL. I like not having family around to deal with on these issues! but with my 1st 2 I had family all around... my mom was in the delivery room with my 1st as well as my husband, then my MIL, FIL all came piling in during and right after birth! With my 2nd I was still near family and had my husband, my sister, my mom in the room, I finally kicked my mom out... with my 3rd I just had my husband in the room as we were in another state by then but I did have a friend try and visit and the nurses turned her away... I never called her to come visit but she knew I was delivering that day (induction) ... no one saw the baby in the hospital! with my 4th it was just been me and dh and my oldest was out in the waiting room. As soon as Jacob was born ds came in to the room to see him. With my 5th it was only me and dh and the other kids did not come to the hospital till the next day ( these were late night deliveries).

Stand your ground!
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Old 06-22-2006, 11:42 AM   #25
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Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)

I don't think you're being unreasonable, and if your family thinks you are, then I think it's best to "forget" calling any of them until you're up for company.

We're calling a total of 4 people: My brother and best friend (because they live so far away), our other friend (who is going to help with the kids), and my son's service coordinator (so my son's services can be put on hold for a month). And that's it. We don't plan on calling anyone else, and to be honest, I feel much better about it. I don't want to talk on the phone, or hold a conversation while I'm trying to give birth. And I especially don't want to have people surrounding me and trying to grab my baby out of my arms after the fact! So, only those 4 people will know, and it will probably be about a week or 2 before anyone else is told.

Put your foot down, mama. You deserve to be treated with respect regarding this (and alot of other stuff too) from your family members. If they can't act like adults, then don't tell them. And let me say, my mouth dropped when I read what your MIL, FIL, and father did! OMG! I would have been livid!!!
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Old 06-22-2006, 08:44 PM   #26
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Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)

i talked to my dh and another friend about how i felt about my nieces all wanting to see the baby after he's born and neither thought i was being unreasonable...in fact i think my dh hates the idea more than i do lol. he said he'll take care of it, i may have to remind him to be nice though anyhow just thought i'd share that and hopefully my sister doesn't feel i'm being rude to my nieces although i don't think she will. they're more than welcome to see him through the nursery window an hour after birth.
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Old 06-22-2006, 09:23 PM   #27
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Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)

I had people show up at my dd labor after I explicately said I wanted only me & dh there. I'm still so angry about it. It totally disrupted my labor, I feel like my trust was betrayed by several people. I think you are totally reasonable. You should also check if you can have the hospital refuse to let people in. I didn't do that cause I never imagined I would need to, next time I will.
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Old 06-22-2006, 09:42 PM   #28
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Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)

While my family was outside(not in listening distance) they asked who i wanted in the room while giving birth. I only wanted dh and i so the nurse was the "bad guy" and told everyone that they needed everyone out of the room during the delivery.
My mom did peek through the crack in the door after dd was born and they were stitching/cleaning me up. Bad mom, tsk, tsk LOL
I am glad it was just dh, dr/nurses, and i because dh gave me all the icky details afterwards. He still tells me how big, swollen, and red my "va jj" was during labor/delivery. He was also like "every time you would push this ball would rise up on your stomach and then go back down when you stopped pushing". Maybe i should have kicked out dh also.
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Old 06-23-2006, 04:06 AM   #29
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Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)

You're not being unreasonable at all. You need to have the people there that you feel right hving there, don't let others in because you don't want to deal with their crap. I kicked my mom out when I had Lena, she was NOT happy but oh-well. It's my baby, it's my body, it's my family growing, and it's up to ME to decide who I want to share it with. Sorry if that sounds harsh, bt it's how I feel.
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Old 06-23-2006, 05:29 AM   #30
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Re: Am I being unreasonable? (sorry...long)

Not unreasonable at all. Just tell them you'll call after the baby is born.

And after the baby is born, take your family time and call whenever you are up for visitors. When they start asking what time baby was born, just tell em the truth. They'll figure out that hey, you DIDN'T call as soon as he popped out. Just like you had said. Maybe they'll get the clue then ;-)

Providing my little bub turns head down and we get to actually have a vaginal birth, we won't be calling anyone but my sister and my midwife to let them know I'm in labor. My DH's family will only be called after because it's kinda obligatory I guess. But my DH has instructions to tell them we'll be happy to see them the day after the baby is born.

If bubs DOESN'T turn and I end up with a section, I suppose I'll let everyone know the date but request that they wait until we call for them to come visit. I SO don't want a room full of people right after surgery. I don't think. Never had a section but I imagine it's not too fun after.
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