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Old 06-25-2006, 07:52 PM   #1
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S/O Did you discuss parenting w/partner before you married?

I was reading in another thread about someone discussing and comprimising on parenting ideas before getting married. I wondered if any of you did this and how you have dealt with changing ideas as you have matured as a mom. I for one when I was first pregnant and getting married. I swore my child would be in a crib in their own room, I would never nurse in public, I would be going back to work so I was only nursing for 6 weeks, and I would never have considered cloth diapers.

By the time I had a 2 week old most of this had changed. I was nursing in public, but just could not figure out how to do it with a blanket so that was not an option.

as for sleeping in her own room let alone own bed. I tried to put her in her room couldn't bear the thought of one of the cats being in her room when I closed the door and waking up to a dead child. So i moved her to our room in a cradle. That only lasted half a night before she was in my bed and that is where she stayed.

My DH just had to go along with it as this was a learning process for us.

I had turned in my notice to quit by the time she was 4 weeks old and planned to nurse for 6 months or until I got bit. (guess what she is 3 and still nursing)

by the time she was 6 weeks old she had this horrible rash so I fashined some gerber prefolds into a cloth diaper, I had pins from a game at my baby shower, so I made good use of it. It cleared up the rash and anytime they had a rash up to a year ago that is what I did. I went full time cloth a year ago.

I am a super safety nut now and that was not how I planned things to be. I also use timeout, when I planned a good butt spanking was the best. I have to say I have matured as a parent in the last 3 years and changed all my original ideas, that I don't think it is possible to discuss every single problem that is going to come up before the walk down the aisle. I just wondered if anyone else has changed as much as I have or if I am just weird.

***This is not a bash or insult to the original poster of the comment, This is to see if I am the only one that has changed this much***.

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Old 06-25-2006, 08:00 PM   #2
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Re: S/O Did you discuss parenting w/partner before you married?

idont think ive changed at all, well maybe cuz i was 33 when i had david so i pretty much knew what iw anted and how i wanted to act as a mom though
and with dh he was in his 40s when he had david for him is a learning exp i guess (men are clueless in a sense )
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Old 06-25-2006, 08:25 PM   #3
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Re: S/O Did you discuss parenting w/partner before you married?

I don't remember if we talked about things any further than we want kids, this is how big a family we'd like, this is where we'll live, etc. I don't think we went into huge detail.

I have to say though, even if we had, I'm sure most of it would have gone out the window. I don't think you can say you'll definitely do such and such until you are actually *there.* I had no idea before I had kids what it would really be like.

For instance, when I was younger I said I would never breastfeed. Well didn't that change when my first stick showed two lines!! 3 breastfed kids later, I think I can say I've changed my views.
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Old 06-25-2006, 08:53 PM   #4
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Re: S/O Did you discuss parenting w/partner before you married?

Nope we didn't discuss anything at all. would I in the future? Absolutely. Being older, or already having been married makes it a lot easier to see your mistakes or things you should have done and apply those things in the future. If I were ever in a serious relationship with someone else (hope not!) we would definitely talk about a lot of things before I thought of getting married or having children with that person. Probably because I have more experience now and know how not doing that can affect things in the future.

Dh and I got together a few months after I turned 16. 3 months after that we got an apartment together and I got pregnant not long after. When DS was 6 months old we got married. I'm a totally different person than I was then and so is DH. If we'd have talked about how things were going to be 12 years later we would have totally changed our minds by now because we've grown up LOL
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Old 06-25-2006, 09:02 PM   #5
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Re: S/O Did you discuss parenting w/partner before you married?

DH and I discussed things like not spanking, which we don't. But not much else. We figured that 2 kids would be good and now want 6.lol.
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Old 06-25-2006, 09:15 PM   #6
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Re: S/O Did you discuss parenting w/partner before you married?

Dh and I didn't discuss ANYTHING. While we were dating, we agreed that marriage was bad (not like he and i staying together forever was bad, but marriage itself was bad)...and that neither of us ever wanted children. That was that. Roughly June of 2000. We married Dec 2001. Found ourselves 'accidentally' pregnant in Nov 2002. I say accidentally because it wasn't planned, but I was happy about it. Dh wasn't. I ended up having a missed miscarriage and then I was hell bent on having children. I wanted a baby so bad. Anyway...my point is that none of my pregnancies (5 of them) were planned. We always used contraception. I'm so thankful I have my 2 boys and dh is too...however....we've had a LOT of rough spots...and we're still not 100%...or even close to it at all. But even if we had discussed anything, I am NOT the same person I was...my belief system regarding family and child-rearing did an about face when I found out I was pregnant. If something were to happen with dh and I....and we moved on and found other people....I can say, most assuredly, that I would discuss things before marriage....but even if dh and I had discussed things, we've changed so much that it wouldn't have mattered.

Boy was I long-winded.
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Old 06-25-2006, 09:54 PM   #7
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Re: S/O Did you discuss parenting w/partner before you married?

I'm like most of the others, we didn't discuss much regarding parenting, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway because my beliefs are TOTALLY different now. I *think* that when we were dating, we were pretty much on the same page as far as how children should be raised. If anything, dh was a little further left of the middle than me. I remember at one point when I was pregnant we discussed sleeping arrangements and I stated taht the babies should be in a crib in their own room from the start and he said that he'd feel better having a little bitty baby in a bassinet or something in our room until they were a little bigger. We both just kind of shrugged it off figuring we'd cross that bridge when we got to it and it wasn't a big deal. (For the record, DJ will be 2 this weekend and still sleeps in our bed and I'm planning to put the crib in our room as a sidecar for the new baby so that they can both cosleep safely...these days dh wants "his" bed back and wants the new baby down the hall from the start!) The only thing that I thought even might be an issue is that I assumed I'd be finished having kids by the time I was 30 and he didn't want to start till he was 30...and he's 3 years younger than me! Neither of us felt strongly about that for it to be a dealbreaker though. We decided that when we got married, I'd stay on the pill for a year or so to give us time to get adjusted and settled and a little more financially stable and then we'd take a don't try - don't prevent approach for the next year or so. That would put me pretty close to 30 so at that point, it would be time to really make some choices. As it turned out, I came off the pill the month we married and got pregnant about 6 months later. Looking back, I kind of wish we had discussed things a little more because I think that my expectations about parenting were a bit more realistic than his. I was happy with our lifestyle the way it was, but I knew that when we had children things would have to change. He was kind of nonchalant about having kids (he is about everything) and just figured we'd roll with the punches, but now he's very resentful about the changes in his life...and I'm very resentful that he hasn't grown up as much as I'd hoped he would. Some of that could have been discussed beforehand but I still don't know that it would have made much difference...he would have donned his happy-go-lucky attitude and I would have assumed that when the time came he'd do what he had to and we would have gone on regardless... I do blame myself for a lot of the problems in our marriage though, because he is still exactly the same guy I married...I'm not anywhere near the same person!

As for specific parenting choices, it would have been pointless to discuss beforehand because I've done a complete 180 as a mother! If I ever have to do it over again, I will definitely lay down some rules right from the start, but like I said, before my kids were born, if anything I was more mainstream than dh so it probably would have made things worse...
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Old 06-26-2006, 06:44 AM   #8
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Re: S/O Did you discuss parenting w/partner before you married?

we never had a discussion about it, i was already a parent for 3 years when i met him so he knew where i stood.
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Old 06-26-2006, 06:59 AM   #9
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Re: S/O Did you discuss parenting w/partner before you married?

I already had a 1 1/2 year old when dh and I met so while parenting was not discussed it was known ahead of time. I was the main parent first so he followed my lead and it works. We are now on the same wave length although I am a bit more strict than he is and I have a bit more patience than he does. It all works in the end and thankfully he has no issues with my parenting style.
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Old 06-26-2006, 07:14 AM   #10
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Re: S/O Did you discuss parenting w/partner before you married?

Well, DH & I were together for 14yrs before we got married so yes we did have many discussions on parenting. Mostly on what we would NOT do.

The thought of cosleeping, babywearing, cding never occurred to either of us though so it never came up for discussion.
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