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Old 08-20-2007, 10:41 AM   #21
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Re: Do you have someone stay with you after the birth?

Yeah, a post-partum doula is well worth it.

I've never had anyone stay with me. When I had my first I tore badly too (some say 3rd degree, some say 4th - I tore all the way into my sphincter muscle), so I hear where you're coming from. After he was born, when I left the hospital I went and stayed at my grandma's house for a couple days so that I wouldn't have to climb the stairs to our apartment so soon. J had to go back to work the day after we left the hospital. After 2 nights at grandma's, I went home and was on my own (so about 3-4 days after birth).

As luck would have it, J has always had to go back to work within a couple days of our children's births. So I've always been pretty much on my own from the git go. When Torrin was born (DS3), I did get a week off from watching my niece and nephew - but after that it was all 5 kids in my house 10hrs/day 5 days/week!

All of my recoveries have been easier than my first - by far. I've been ok without the help. After I had Eliana, I was very weak and anemic, but J was working from home at the time so he was able to do all the cooking for everyone and watch the boys. I felt SO spoiled!

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Old 08-20-2007, 11:25 AM   #22
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Re: Do you have someone stay with you after the birth?

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ouchie!

For me, I absolutely positively did not want anyone NEAR my home after the birth of either child. I am very much inclined to overdo things and be cranky and tired but I also want things done MY WAY. I'd stress myself out over someone being in my house doing things their way or trying to do it my way and messing up. I'm too much of a control freak to let someone help like that. However, the hardest things for me during the first month is cooking and housework. I enjoy the laundry and I enjoy the errand-running(though I might not with 3 kids this time!). But the hardest things are cooking and housework because the littlest needs to be held so much and nursed so much. And help with the older kids would be nice. Getting them out at least once a week to burn energy at the playground or doing a fun activity would be REALLY helpful. I'm counting on my in-laws to do that after the baby is born because I can't stand having them in my home messing things up but they are great for hanging out with my kids and giving me a break. That will give me the freedom to wrap the baby or sling the baby and get things done. Sounds like I'm saying they aren't good enough to be in my home. I dont' mean tthat at all, in fact I just mean that I don't want anyone in my home while I'm bleeding like crazy, learning to nurse a newborn all over again, dealing with engorgement and leaks, and the baby blues. I just want to be alone to figure things out by myself.
mama, i so hear you on this. i actually don't consider myself to be a control freak at all, but maybe i am just a little?

my mom barely cooked anything, and what she did, it was stuff that i didn't normally eat (or want) and she gave my husband twice the portions she gave me.

she did laundry to "help" and even though i told her what detergent to use, she used my brothers' detergent. my husband is highly allergic to it, and ended up in the doctor's office with a full body rash that we couldn't get rid of. finally i asked my mom what detergent she used, and she says, "oooh well i just wanted to save your guys' detergent....i'm so sorry!". WHY can't you follow a simple request??

when i would finally ask her to please get me some breakfast cause i was staaaaaaaarving from nursing and so much blood loss, she would bring me a bowl of cereal, no fruit in it or anything, with like a splash of milk. once again, . i always always had to ask for food. she would bring me for lunch.....a sandwich. turkey, cheese, bread. that's it. i finally had to say, "you know mom, this isn't a meal. this is a snack!" i would look over, and her plate would have other stuff on it.

ugh, these are just a couple of examples. she's a really great person, i love her to death, but when it comes to actually HELPING, she's just not that great. i think she looked at it as an opportunity to not wait on my dad hand and foot. but i really needed the help.

i don't know how to avoid the same thing happening this time!
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Old 08-20-2007, 11:39 AM   #23
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Re: Do you have someone stay with you after the birth?

My mom always flys up and stays with us when the baby comes. She is usually here about a week before the due date (I tend to go early) and will stay for around 2 weeks after baby is born (I have had csections). She helps take care of the other children, cooks, cleans, whatever I need really. She is a big help. This way I can really just focus on the baby and spending time with my boys so they don't feel left out.
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Old 08-20-2007, 11:44 AM   #24
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Re: Do you have someone stay with you after the birth?

We looked into getting a postpartum doula, but none to be had here where we live. I had lots of help w/dd1,but felt neglected to a big extent when dd2 came almost two weeks ago, altough my dad was here helping.

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i'm just wondering if you have someone stay with you, for how long, what types of things they do to help you out?

i did have someone stay with us after the birth of our first, but it was NOT what i imagined it would be. i'm trying to guage if there is anything i can do about that this next time. thanks mamas!

(and just as one quick example of what i'm talking about: i tore through my rectum and the underlying muscles, and was told to only attempt our staircase once per day for at least the first week. my husband went back to classes immediately after we were home from the hospital, so it was only my "helper" and me at home with the baby. there would be days that i didn't eat ANYTHING until my husband came home around 3:00, because i didn't feel like getting out of bed, and yelling down the stairs to request food. and sometimes you just forget to eat you know? if someone isn't offering to help.....you just sort of focus on the baby and forget that you are STARVING.)

ETA: i want to be clear that i wasn't just being lazy by not getting up and getting my own food! recovering from a fourth degree tear is in a class of it's own. it is truly brutal, i really can't even explain. it would not even have been possible for me to walk down the staircase with my baby.
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Old 08-20-2007, 11:52 AM   #25
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Re: Do you have someone stay with you after the birth?

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this sounds heavenly.

we had a birthing doula with our last baby and she was great. we'll have a birthing doula with this one as well, and i believe you can have them (at least certain ones) come to your house to check on you and stuff. i'll have to look into it. the dona website says that there there are no postpartum doulas in my area.

thanks for the info susan.


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Old 08-20-2007, 11:54 AM   #26
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Re: Do you have someone stay with you after the birth?

With my first we lived with my family so they helped out, then with my second my 12 year old sister came to help. With the next one we hope that my little sister can come again. She was a really big help.
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Old 08-20-2007, 01:25 PM   #27
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Re: Do you have someone stay with you after the birth?

I think it really depends on who you're asking - you have to be careful! If it's someone that truly is helpful and you don't mind asking for help, then by all means, ask away! But, if it's someone that causes more problems, skip it. They'll be more work than anything else.

My suggestion if you don't ask someone to stay, before your DH goes to work or class, or whatever it is he needs to do, have him set up a nest for you on the main level of your home. Put a gate on the stairs if you have to so your older child won't roam too far, make sure you've got bottled water, snacks, fruit, everything you need within reach. And camp out on the couch with your baby.

Oh! And you can check into your local LLL. Sometimes they have a program set up to help new moms. They'll bring in dinners, check on you, etc.

I'm definitely bad about doing too much, too soon. This time we have a split level home with three flights of stairs. I told DH that I would hide out in our room for days if I needed to, but I am determined to take it easy so I can heal faster!
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Old 08-20-2007, 01:31 PM   #28
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Re: Do you have someone stay with you after the birth?

My mom stayed for a week after our son was born and plans to again. She was awesome. I have heard some horror stories about MIL's and moms being more trouble than help but it was not the case for us. My mom said right out front that she was coming to help us get baby time and bond as a new family, NOT to get her own baby time...that could come later. She did whatever needed to be done, cooked, cleaned/laundry, ran errands, etc. She also said that if at any time we needed to be alone or felt overwhelmed having her there because our apt was really small to just let her know and she'd go home early.
I'm very thankful she can come again this time.
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Old 08-20-2007, 01:31 PM   #29
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Re: Do you have someone stay with you after the birth?

are you meaning outside my immediate family? NOPE! I have a bunch of helpers here so don't need any in-home helpers....I just ask whoever is standing near me to do whatever it is I need, and they usually do it without too much grumbling.
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Old 08-20-2007, 01:50 PM   #30
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Re: Do you have someone stay with you after the birth?

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the difference between it being YOUR mom and HIS Mom is huge, Your mom knows your limits and when you are getting irritated, HIS mom may not be that observant.
So, so true!

We had a lot of offers for help but turned them down for the most part. DH was home for a week on paternity leave and then worked short weeks (2 or 3 days) for 3 weeks after that. So I was pretty well adjusted when he went back to work. After he went back, my mom came a few days here and there so I could get in some short naps.
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