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Old 06-13-2006, 09:26 AM   #1
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AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

I dont know HOW AP I would consider myself and my husband - but enough to know that some things really bother me. Maybe things people who arent like me wouldnt flintch at.
We were at dinner with friends a week ago and we all had our kids. (We have 1 and they have 2). Their oldest wasn't on his best behavior and for me it would have just been a situation where I took him to a private place and explained to him that he needs to behave himself, eat his dinner, talk in his indoor voice, etc...
Well, our friends took a totally different approach and it REALLY rubbed me the wrong way - so much so I'm not comfortable around them anymore really. And, we dont have a lot of friends around here so it would pretty much such if we lost them as friends. Which, I dont think we will. DH has known them since high school and they were like brothers then.
BUT! Anyway, the dad threatened to make him "go sit in the car ALLLLLL by himself while we all eat in the restraunt without him" and threatened to take him side and "really give him something to cry about"
I just dont like the idea the THREATENING for one. The child is not even 3 years old yet. So to make him sit in the car byhimself - and towards the end the mom did take the child outside and made him sit in the car "by himself" but she was right outside the car but where he couldnt see her so he did think she left him there alone. I wanted to cry and pick him up and cuddle him.
And, it's not MY place to tell them what to do. If I knew acutal ABUSE was taking place that would be different.
WWYD? DH doesnt even know how bothered I am by it all.

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Old 06-13-2006, 09:47 AM   #2
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

I would probably stick to kid-friendly activities with them in the future. I also think that parents act differently with their children when others are around. The dad was probably embarassed by his son's behavior which may have contributed to overreacting. If you continue to see inappropriate discipline I wouldn't hang out with them anymore. I wouldn't want my kids around that. I'm not sure it is an AP/non-AP issue. Parents should handle their children's misbehavior appropriately whether or not they practice AP.
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Old 06-13-2006, 09:48 AM   #3
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

I know it's hard to be around people who have different beliefs than you do. When it's differences that truly just break your heart for the kids it's better off to avoid those situations, IMO. I'd either cut off the friendship all together, or limit activities to ones that don't include the kids. It does get hard though.

I have quite a few friends who have totally different parenting styles than we do, most of them I can be around with their kids though. I did have to end a 10 year friendship with my best friend because it got to be TOO much. At first I tried to only see her when our children were in school, but then she had a baby 4 years ago and he was always around and at first she was great with him, then little things started bothering me (seeing her not hold him to feed him his bottles, leaving him to CIO, hitting his hand, etc.) so then I limited our friendship to phone conversations. That had to end too when I heard her call her 15 year old DD a bi***. I couldn't take it anymore. All these years I thought her kids would get some of the affection they needed from me, but I just couldn't take it anymore. She did call me last night to find out how you get into college without being vax'ed because one of her DD's is terrified of them and said she'll just go to a community college here instead of the University she wants. I told her about a religious exemption (we both go to the same church) and she said, "Oh..so you basically have to be a quack..you know, looney" That'll be the last time I consider answering the phone when she calls

Anyway, it IS hard and if it's hard on you don't put yourself in the situation. I'm sure some people have had luck with getting some friends to see the AP side and come on over, but I don't think it's common..
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Old 06-13-2006, 10:43 AM   #4
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

Well, I think its definitley an AP "issue" because I know they dont practice gentle dicispline. I know they spank them. We've been around them long enough and done a number of activities and their children do act out in a way that I cant imagine dealing with in my own child.
I just couldnt imagine puting my 3 year old in her carseat to sit all by herself I can only imagine how scary that must be.
Embarrased or not I dont think its okay.
We're VERY different people/parents. From BFing to CDing.
I dunno. Maybe Im being critical.
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Old 06-13-2006, 11:20 AM   #5
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents



I just found out that my one RL friend who I thought was AP is a spanker. It makes me so sad. I gave her son a spatula to play with and she said that would be perfect for spanking. I laughed at her and she said, "No, I am serious!" When I told her we weren't going to spank she told me that I would when dd needs it. It's the only way....They also kept geting mad at their 14 month old for being disrespectful because he would yell. We have been friends for a long time and hopefully I can sway her, but she is a really stubborn girl.
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Old 06-13-2006, 11:24 AM   #6
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

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Originally Posted by sparkygirl74


I just found out that my one RL friend who I thought was AP is a spanker. It makes me so sad. I gave her son a spatula to play with and she said that would be perfect for spanking. I laughed at her and she said, "No, I am serious!" When I told her we weren't going to spank she told me that I would when dd needs it. It's the only way....They also kept geting mad at their 14 month old for being disrespectful because he would yell. We have been friends for a long time and hopefully I can sway her, but she is a really stubborn girl.

It's a hard thing, because the dad and my DH have been friends for like 10 years. You know! And, DH really doesnt care that much about their parenting. And not hanging out with them for ME is an option, but Im sure they will always be around since him and Dh are friends.
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Old 06-13-2006, 11:50 AM   #7
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

I don't think you are over-reacting, Jena, but I don't know what to tell you. We are not AP, we do spank sometimes, but I wouldn't ever put my child in a locked car alone as punishment. We have some friends who use over-the-top tactics with their kids and it does make them hard to be around. I definitely second the "child-friendly" activities idea. It is SO hard to make a 2 or 3 year old (or a 5 year old, for that matter) sit quietly for an entire meal. Sometimes we take our kids outside or to the lobby and let them blow off some steam while we wait for our food. Honestly, though, we rarely go anywhere quiet or nice with the kids!

I doubt there is anything you can really say to them though, without seeming critical...I hate being in that position also!
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Old 06-13-2006, 01:51 PM   #8
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

lol steph, me neither. its hard to go to a restaurant with a 3yr old
taco bell is the fanciest we go nowadays
jena, they gave you good advice. if you not comfy i guess you have to limit
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Old 06-13-2006, 06:18 PM   #9
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

Steph, I hope you dont think I was saying spanking is BAD really. IT ISNT! Of course, within limits. It's just not for me. I dont want anyone to think Im picking on peoples parenting style.
Also, for the record I was NOT embarrased by the child at all. I know he is a child and it wasnt a fancy shmancy dinner (TGI Fridays - which is pretty kid friends, I think) so I dont/didnt expect him to sit there silent, but his parents did.
I dunno. I guess we will just limit our activities with them. Or keep what we do with them kidless?
Thanks for the advice gals!
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Old 06-13-2006, 10:48 PM   #10
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

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really give him something to cry about
I hear parents say this all the time and it makes ABSOLUTELY no sense to me. Let's see, your child is crying and you want them to stop, sooo, you're going to do something to them, like spank, that will hurt and make them cry more?? Yeah, that makes sense!!

I have to bite my tounge so often, as I don't run across many AP parents IRL. To me, AP is just common sense, but I guess it's not the same for everyone
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