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Old 09-26-2007, 09:59 PM   #11
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Re: Whats wrong with me?

mama. I know how you feel. It will pass in time and that connection will come. Your hormones are wacky with being preggo and breastfeeding. Do what is best for your health. Your babies need you and if that means weaning Gemma, then that is what is best. if it means using formula for the new baby, then that is 100 percent OK. You need to be healthy and strong for them.

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Old 09-26-2007, 10:16 PM   #12
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Re: Whats wrong with me?

Thank you all so much for the support. Hearing it is so much more comforting than just trying to reassure myself.

I hope that no one is perceiving that I don't love this baby. I really truly do! We've already made so many terrific plans for him/her, and do look so forward to the birth and raising another beautiful, happy baby. I just wanted to hit home the difference in how I relate to this pregnancy in general. With Gemma, I was alllll about talking and loving on the belly. Trying to envision her growing, and getting so excited about every little change.

But Kristy, you hit it home when you talk about how busy I am with Gemma. From 7am until 9pm I am in mama mode, chasing an unbelivably tenacious toddler around, cleaning house, and managing the bills. I have maybe an hour or two for myself at days end, and I spend it doing the little things I forget during the day! With DD, I was just working at home and had so much more time to ponder and meditate on this new amazing thing. Most days I dont even bother looking at myself in the mirror before going out, so I can absolutely see where that is having a baring on completely grasping and embracing the presence of this new life.

Thank you, for bringing that into perspective! I cant believe I didnt stop to realize that earlier. But I do hope that once baby starts doing aerobics and Tai Chi in there that I will at least remember him/her more than once an hour (lol).

Lana, I 100% understand your argument for continuing to breastfeed with the new baby. Part of the guilt I feel is most definately contributed to the fact that I dont want one child to feel they were "shortchanged" in comparison to their sibling. I dont ever want one to come to me and ask why I couldnt be bothered to do such-n-such for them if I did it for their sister/brother. Im sure that will happen at some point, but Id rather it be about something trivial and not about the care they recieved in their first months of life.

I'm not completely decided on anything yet. I've just been entertaining the ideas. Even IF I chose to do formula, it will only be supplemental. A way for dad, or grandma, or even a close friend to have baby for a few hours without me having to stress about a pumping regimine. Pumping was never a success with DD, and I cant imagine trying to work in multiple pumpings a day on top of actual nursing. To me (and Im absolutely NOT trying to downplay the choices or suggestions of other mothers), it would just be as stressful as nursing full time. But I dont take offense to the idea, so thank you.

Joanna, I could just hug you. We are so alike in so many ways, even down to the age of our daughters and how far along we are in our current pregnancies. And it feels SO good to hear that there is someone feeling many of the exact same stresses and worries I have, at the same time! I'll PM you soon...maybe we can be one anothers support systems.

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Old 09-26-2007, 10:20 PM   #13
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Re: Whats wrong with me?

Originally Posted by Lisa-Rachelle View Post
Joanna, I could just hug you. We are so alike in so many ways, even down to the age of our daughters and how far along we are in our current pregnancies. And it feels SO good to hear that there is someone feeling many of the exact same stresses and worries I have, at the same time! I'll PM you soon...maybe we can be one anothers support systems.

ETA....tennessee isnt that far from me maybe we can hook up some time for the day i bet the girls would love it!!!!
JoAnna,wife to my first love Michael and SAHM to Mackenzie Grace(7 years), Makaela Lynn(5years),^^Meaghan Elise^^ born sleeping July 18, 2009. and Malakai Vincent(3 years) and Mackenna Kate(1year)and one DOG
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Old 09-26-2007, 11:09 PM   #14
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Re: Whats wrong with me?

Honestly, it sounds like you have disconnected yourself from this pregnancy for fear of loss again. You also sound like you have really put your focus on your DD and resolved to do that for about another year. I understand what you are going through. I did the same thing with my second pregnancy. I really wanted him and tried so hard to ttc but I just didn't feel very connected to the pregnancy. I was busy with my oldest and had to eat just right and check my sugars all the time because I am diabetic.
Trust me, it will get better. You are just past your 1st trimester. Things will fall into place soon. Big hugs to you!
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Old 09-26-2007, 11:12 PM   #15
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Re: Whats wrong with me?

Originally Posted by TwinKristi View Post
I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Personally, I think it's a combination of not having your body to yourself for any period of time in the last 2yrs and the desire to stop BFing! Now you're taking on even more of a commitment by BFing this baby as well, at least another year or two after birth. It would be overwhelming for alot of moms! It was for me and I still have days where it's like "what was I thinking!?" in even WANTING kids!! They drive me absolutely crazy sometimes but when things calm down and we're all a happy family again I can't wait to TTC for #6!!

I like the doctor's quote from the PP and think it's very true! It's not uncommon to wean during pregnancy anyway b/c of the change in milk, contractions for some moms, etc. but it's also acheivable to BF throughout your pregnancy if you want to. I think if you wean through this pregnancy it might make BFing more desirable with the new baby, it will be like a new start.

As far as not feeling a bond with the baby yet, that's also common. Even in the worst of situations you can still find some happiness at some point over the pending birth of your baby, maybe once s/he starts kicking and moving more and it's time to really prepare for the birth things will kick into full gear for you. You WILL get over it, you WILL bond with the baby and things WILL work out!

I got to the point at the end that I wanted bella to wean and it is truly intimidating, the thought of nursing for another 2 years. Thats a long time.
And all the other things you have to adjust and give up seems like a lot.
I just want my body back!
Idk, for me I got over it once amelia got here. Those feeling went away, so may they will for you but if not, then you should do what is going to work best for the both of you.

Oh and the daddy bonding thing is an issue too. I dont have any advice for that. I hope for me that goes better with this one. It was more his issue than mine.

You are still early on in this and your feelings may change. You seem to be a really great mama.
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Old 09-26-2007, 11:20 PM   #16
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Re: Whats wrong with me?

I agree with above posters...I really wanted a second baby but once pregnant was kind of less attached then I was with my first. I think fear of miscarriage(had one before) made me hold off attaching till I felt "safer"...

I wanted to nurse soo badly because I didn't get to with my first and then once he was here, all I wanted to do was give him a bottle. I am super proud to say that while not every feeding is bliss, I did finally come around and really enjoy it.

I know it sounds harsh to Gemma now, but if your going to wean her, its probably better you do it well before baby comes. That way not only can you have some time to yourself(as much as you can get being preggo) but she won't feel like baby is taking something that was her's.

There is sooo much love that comes with a second child(and I'm sure subsequents) and I wouldn't make any decisions right now based on how your feeling at the moment. Once that baby is out it might all change.

Kayla-Wife to Luke, SAHM to: Olivia(1-6-05), Noah(2-28-07) , Kate(5-28-09), and Micah(5-3-12)
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Old 09-26-2007, 11:25 PM   #17
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Re: Whats wrong with me?

Oh, mama . So sorry you're feeling so conflicted.

Don't worry too much about it (if that's possible). You'll figure it all out as the time approaches, and if you can't do the BF thing again, don't. If let the Mommy Guilt in too far it'll take over your life.

Hang in there!
Jess. Wife to Jacob. Mom to Three Boys!
Sammy (5.5), Freddie (3!) and Baby Jack (4.15.10).
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Old 09-26-2007, 11:36 PM   #18
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Re: Whats wrong with me?

Originally Posted by De-lovely View Post
In the end mama you have to take care of YOURSELF in order to give love and care for others. Guilt about your decisions will never free you to do those things. Your dh and babies want an emotionally healthy mama. My advice is to do whatever it means to achieve that. No one else lives your life.
well said ...
and i would encourage you to share this with your midwife or doctor, if you have a close relationship with him/her; personally, everytime i shared something bothersome to me with my midwife, i always felt so much better about it from that point forward
Jenny ~ wife and mama of 4

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Old 09-26-2007, 11:49 PM   #19
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Re: Whats wrong with me?

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Old 09-27-2007, 08:22 AM   #20
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Re: Whats wrong with me?

When I became pregnant with my second dd after the death of my first dd, I kept my feelings about the pregnancy on a TIGHT leash (unintentionally in part) for fear of feeling that horrible pain of loss again. After we found out she was a girl I began to bond with her more. However, I can tell you that I didn't feel "safe" until she was in my arms, the the bonding REALLY began. She was TOTALLY a mamma's girl for the first few months and I think I had earned that for all I had gone through to get her here safely. Now she is totally a daddy's girl too, so I think it just takes a little longer for that bond to build sometimes.

As far as nursing, I really just couldn't do it at the beginning of pregnancy. I tried for a couple of weeks, but just couldn't stick it out. DD was 25 months and had already started weaning, so I just sped up the process. I do miss it sometimes and I think she will be one of those who will ask to nurse when the baby gets here, but I just couldn't do it. I can't say what I would have done if we had not already been in the process of weaning. I know it would have been a harder decision for me.

I can't picture myself nursing another baby right now, but in all honesty I can't even see myself holding a new baby right now. I think it is that distancing thing that I tend to do, that I feel is PERFECTLY NORMAL after you have suffered a loss/losses. It isn't that I don't love and want this baby because I do to the inth of my being, it is just that my heart can't go that far to picture those things yet, because I CERTAINLY did with Emily, even after a miscarriage, because I thought the worst was behind me.

So, I say give yourself time. You don't have to make decisions right now about what will happen after the baby arrives. You can cross that bridge when you get there. You will know what the right decision is, and you may not even struggle with it once the baby is here safely. Your life will change in the next few months. Your dd will be older, you will feel differently, you'll see it will all be okay.
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