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Old 07-09-2013, 07:53 AM   #1
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Called off engagement- everybody is mad at me

I was married for 7 years and I was in therapy for 2. I did so because I was having a hard time seeing my marriage crumble and seeing my partner's indolence. The ink on the divorce papers had barely dried when he announced he had met the woman of his life and proposed to her just 4 months after meeting her.

Since we were sharing custody or our little boy, I spent a lot of time alone. I wanted to go out and make new friends. I never expected to fall in love with my current partner.

We were both divorced. We had so much in common. And we felt an undeniable and strong attraction. After 6 months dating, I found out I was pregnant (despite being on the pill).

He said he would never consider marriage because "a piece of paper would not change how he felt about me". He had a lavish ceremony and honeymoon. His marriage lasted less than a year. His ex wife was emotionally abusive. I had no choice but to get married at the courthouse with no friends or family (I had just arrived to the US 2 months prior), no gifts, no well wishes.

I felt very rejected when my current partner would not consider marriage in the future. 5 months later, we had an ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. It was a boy. He wanted to go out and "celebrate" and while at the restaurant, he proposed.

I was surprised but very happy. We shared the news with people and everybody was really happy. "Congratulations! You both deserve so much happiness!" - was what everybody said to us. Not 2 weeks had passed when I brought a bridal magazine home and his initial excitement turned into something else.

"Don't tell me you want cake. My ex wanted one." "A wedding? I just want to elope" "I don't want family or friends to be there". I can go on and on. After trying to "compromise" I realized his past was still haunting him so I called off the engagement.

Now his family is mad at me and hopes I will "reconsider". They tell me that he loves me and that he is a good guy. They excuse his behavior by saying that he was really hurt by his ex.

My partner is now backpedaling on everything he said and he is now calling this words "a joke". He says he wants to marry me and does not understand why I am making a big deal. He insists on calling me his "fiancee", despite the fact we are no longer engaged and I am not wearing the engagement ring.

Why is everybody ignoring my pain? I was hurt too, and I wanted to make this work but his attitude and words broke my heart.

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Old 07-09-2013, 08:09 AM   #2
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Of course his family is on his side - they are his family.

Did you explain to him that he hurt your feelings? Sometimes people get so involved in their own internal struggles that they fail to communicate with each other.

Do you actually want to marry him? Just because you are having a baby does not mean that you need to be married. Side note: I think marriage should be talked about and agreed upon before there is any sort of big romantic proposal. Did you discuss marriage before his proposal?
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:11 AM   #3
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I would talk with him. Let him know that even though he was hurt with his past, you were too. Try to come up with a compromise.
Honestly, if you love him enough to have wanted to spend the rest of your life with him, not having a big to do should not change that.
You guys are probably both letting your past haunt you.
In the end it is not a big ceremony that matters, it is being on the same page and enjoying each other.
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:14 AM   #4
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So complicated! Sounds like you both still have unresolved issues that need to be worked through. If you still love him and want to work on things counseling would be a good idea. Its hard for people who haven't been through it to understand what you're feeling. So sorry.
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:21 AM   #5
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Re: Called off engagement- everybody is mad at me

I tried talking to him and he became really defensive. He first denied having said those things, and later he changed his story to: "It was just a joke". I wrote a lengthy letter to him explaining my feelings and asking him why he proposed if he wasn't really ready. His answer: "You are right about everything". When I called off the engagement, he realized I was serious and now he doesn't even know what to do to make me happy. But the damage is done.

Did I want to marry him? Absolutely. But his hesitation and apparent shame in doing so made me rethink the whole situation.
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:26 AM   #6
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Re: Called off engagement- everybody is mad at me

I don't understand. Did you want a marriage or a wedding? It seems a bit silly to throw away a relationship over a disagreement about a wedding. Of course, if that issue can break off an engagement, then maybe the marriage wasn't a good idea in the first place.
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:30 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drunkenmonkeysmommy1 View Post
I would talk with him. Let him know that even though he was hurt with his past, you were too. Try to come up with a compromise.
Honestly, if you love him enough to have wanted to spend the rest of your life with him, not having a big to do should not change that.
You guys are probably both letting your past haunt you.
In the end it is not a big ceremony that matters, it is being on the same page and enjoying each other.
This is very excellent advice. A wedding is just a day, the marriage is what counts. Big weddings are mostly silly IMO & IME. Most spend loads of money, and barely eat or enjoy the day. It ends up being a show for your guests. Even at my very very small wedding I didn't spend time with my DH. He entertained the kids & I the adults. I wish we spent that money on a fun trip & eloped.

Jodie ~ wife & mama

ETA: my wedding was small with less than 30 people there. I wore a $15 Easter dress from a closeout store and we ate Stouffers frozen lasagna & wedding cake from Giant Eagle. It was backyard affair but it rained & I got married next to a hot tub. it was probably $500 for it all.

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Old 07-09-2013, 08:37 AM   #8
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Re: Called off engagement- everybody is mad at me

Quote:
Originally Posted by syfitz View Post
I don't understand. Did you want a marriage or a wedding? It seems a bit silly to throw away a relationship over a disagreement about a wedding. Of course, if that issue can break off an engagement, then maybe the marriage wasn't a good idea in the first place.
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:38 AM   #9
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Re: Called off engagement- everybody is mad at me

I never wanted a big ceremony, or wedding party and the bells and whistles. I wanted a small, meaningful wedding with just close family and friends. When he treated the idea of people *gasp* actually attending the ceremony with the enthusiasm of getting a root canal, that was very telling. A wedding CAN be a big show, but to me, it is a public affirmation of love. If he is not willing to do that, then that is a symptom of something else that I shouldn't ignore.

I have suggested therapy and he is still hesitant. He says he tried with his ex and took him nowhere.
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:39 AM   #10
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Re: Called off engagement- everybody is mad at me

I never wanted a big ceremony, or wedding party and the bells and whistles. I wanted a small, meaningful wedding with just close family and friends. When he treated the idea of people *gasp* actually attending the ceremony with the enthusiasm of getting a root canal, that was very telling. A wedding CAN be a big show, but to me, it is a public affirmation of love. If he is not willing to do that, then that is a symptom of something else that I shouldn't ignore.

I have suggested therapy and he is still hesitant. He says he tried with his ex and took him nowhere.
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