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Old 12-02-2007, 06:12 PM   #1
stacey
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I'm a failure ::vent::

Alright Ladies,

I am not sure there is anythign you can really say to this but, I just have to get it out because although DH is great, he will just think I am crazy and mad at him for going to work.

I have a 'high needs' six year old. There is nothing wrong with her technically but, she is very very sensitive. Lately, she is crying over everything. Even very stupid things. I (although not working) am a certified Funeral Director so death is a common topic in our house. Very matter of fact like. No, 'your kitty ran away' but more like 'fluffy died. she isn't in pain now'. I know, rough. I only lie about santa tho. So, randomly the other day she started crying and when I asked her why she said 'you are going to die and i am going to miss you. who will take care of me?' I explained that by the time i am dead, she will probably have taken care of me for a while. she will be okay. she got over it and then later was sad because she had to go to school and couldn't go to 'wee read' (play group at the library) and it was just as seroius to her as when i was going to die.

So, she spends every weekend with her grama (MIL) and MIL is awesome with emma and brings her to dance on saturday and plays crafts and everything else with her. Today MIL said, 'we are leaving in about an hour to go home' and emma said ok and then an hour later when she said to get her shoes on, emma cried (hysterically) and said she didn't want to go home because her brother (2) is mean to her and he opens her eyes when she tries to sleep and he takes her toys and we don't do crafts and i don't love christmas enough and i only put up one tree and it dosen't have colored lights and daddy has to work and . . . on and on. So emma called me and i told her sorry but, i am not giving yours brothers up for adoption so youa re going to have to get over it. She cries over everything and she wouldn't eat dinner because today she dosen't like brocolli (yesterday li9ked it more than french fries) and she hates cheese and when i told her she was mean to me and didn't appreciate me, she said, no i love you. you are the beast thing that ever happened in my life and without you i wouldn't be here. She is just hot and cold and i don't know what to do about it.

Any ideas? She HATES her brother and i can't make hikm nice all the time. I feel like a divorced parent competing for her love with my MIL. I can't make her stop going because i think emma needs the break but, well, HELP!!

Stacey

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Old 12-02-2007, 06:15 PM   #2
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Re: I'm a failure ::vent::

I'm sorry Mama, I don't really know what to tell you but I wanted to send you some
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Old 12-02-2007, 06:24 PM   #3
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Re: I'm a failure ::vent::

mama, don't take this the wrong way but, maybe you should talk to her doctor. she's having quite a conflicting issue. something is confusing her. do you think MIL is overindulgent with her? maybe something is not consistent enough with her dicipline? just throwing ideas, my niece (just turned 6) will cry for EVERY little issue, i'm very sorry to say this, because i do love her, but it is quite annoying being around her: her milk is too cold "waaaaa!". her shoe is untied "waaaaaa". my dd plays with one of her dolls without permission "waaaaa". and i KNOW my sister overindulges her, overprotects her, overshadows her... as a parent one may refuse to belive you can "over" something your kids, but man, you haven't seen my sister, she just about cries with her and goes out of her way to make her stop crying. sorry, i hope none of this offended you, it wasn't meant to be that way.
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Old 12-02-2007, 06:24 PM   #4
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Re: I'm a failure ::vent::

awww sounds like shes under alot of stress and everything (no matter how small) is getting to her. maybe you need to take an hr and have a talk with her or maybe get a conseller.
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Old 12-02-2007, 08:35 PM   #5
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Re: I'm a failure ::vent::

Momma, I don't think she should be spending every weekend with your MIL. Maybe cut it down to every other or just one day on the weekend. You MIL may be spoiling her just too much so she is thinking that she should be getting all that from you all the time. She is too young to know that at grandmas house you get those special things but not at home. I love my kids to see their grandmas but I put a limit on the amount they see them. I know if ds spends too much time with my mom he comes back to me thinking he can eat cookies all day, jump off everything, and not listen to anything I say. My mom spoils him like crazy. If she had every weekend with him, oh my, he would be TROUBLE! Then that other day or other weekend she isn't with your MIL, do something special just you and her.

You aren't a failure as a mother at all.
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Old 12-02-2007, 08:59 PM   #6
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Re: I'm a failure ::vent::

Thank you girls. I am not insulted. If I don't let her go it will cause HUGE conflict with DH and her too. I am of the feeling that there is a bit of overindulgence and that she gets to be an only child and gramas. I am although NOT the sheltering type. I was meant to be a mother of boys who walk it off, slug it out, buddy tape, and man up. She can't be a cry baby prissy little girl with me. And I understand what a pain that a constantly crying kid can be. I have one. It is just recent that seh got like this. She has always been a bit sensitive and attached but, never like this before. I also know that she is struggling in school this year and her teacher is a air head.

About getting her a counselor, should I go to the principal at the school? Or do it privately? She goes to school for a very long day and I can't imagine where to fit it in otherwise.

Thanks for all the advice.
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Old 12-02-2007, 09:22 PM   #7
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Re: I'm a failure ::vent::

She sounds a bit like my ds actually. We are thinking he is Asperger's (we're pretty sure I am-although I'll probably never be evaluated). We just finished up the bulk of his evaluation through the school district here. I would maybe talk to her principle or school counselor and see if you can get an eval done for her. I was really paranoid that they wouldn't pick up on the issues we have, but they really did, and they are also sending out a behaviorist to our house to do an in home eval sometime...to see him in his element.

I would DEFINITELY cut down on gma time...no matter the rift it would cause. I think its kind of unstable for her...she gets used to home, then she goes to gma's, then she gets used to gma's and she goes back home...kind of like separated family, kwim? Maybe get a calendar and mark off a weekend that she is going to stay home, and warn her each day that in two weeks, she'll be staying home that weekend. Make sure the gma knows its nothing against her, but that you as the Mom think dd needs to be home on the weekends more. If gma puts up a fight, pull the "I am Mom" card on her and establish some boundaries. Really talk to dh about it too...make sure he is on the same page as you.

And also, I so don't want to be rude, but try to be more sensitive to her...indulge her girly emotions sometimes. My mom's mom was a beast to my mom, and treated her poorly...guess what, my mom showed me waaaaay less emotion than I needed. And now, I don't get along with women well...don't trust them. A little love and affection goes along ways. Not saying you don't love your daughter...but maybe she needs you to show it differently...no matter how uncomfortable it is for you.
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Old 12-02-2007, 09:42 PM   #8
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Re: I'm a failure ::vent::

I think it might be that grandma gives her everything she wants which leaves nothing left to be special, so she likes being there. She likes having all of the attention, toys, and etc. I'm sure that she doesn't hate her brother. LOL! It's just that she hates that he is a toddler, which every older sibling does. I know I did, and yet I still have 5 younger siblings that I thought I hated at least once a month when I was younger....that I love and miss dearly now. Just make her grandma time every other weekend or one weekend a month. My DD knows that grandma time means fewer rules, but it's only like 1 day a month AND it is with the whole family (cuz otherwise my DD would probably come back completely spoiled rotten). There has to be limitations to a grandma's time alone with kids since they aren't the mom and are there to spoil...not to treat them normally.

BTW......my DD is very hot and cold too. She cries more than I'd like, but it is just her way of showing emotion I guess. (But then again she has my temperment and my mom said that I was the most emotional rollercoaster of a child that she had ever seen......) I have learned that a little bit of 1 on 1 attention goes a long way and also I do not tolerate it. She knows that if she is going to cry over nothing and throw fits that I will just tell her that I will talk to her once she is done very firmly then walk away to attend to the house or her brother. This always works even though she is only 3 years old, cuz she knows I will not be a push-over when it comes to things she knows are not meant to be cried over.
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Old 12-03-2007, 01:30 AM   #9
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Re: I'm a failure ::vent::

Quote:
Originally Posted by stacey View Post
I am although NOT the sheltering type. I was meant to be a mother of boys who walk it off, slug it out, buddy tape, and man up. She can't be a cry baby prissy little girl with me.
I am actually really offended on behalf of your daughter because of this statement. And your sons, too, for that matter. Being emotionally sensitive is not a shortcoming, in either boys OR girls.

As for how to deal with the fits - change what you can, for the CHILD. Your DH and MIL can get over it if they get their feelings hurt. If every weekend at grandma's is too much for your child to handle, then reduce it to one day/one night, or one weekend a month. If her teacher is an airhead, and it's causing problems at school, get her switched to a different teacher.
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Old 12-03-2007, 04:51 AM   #10
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Re: I'm a failure ::vent::

Maybe she NEEDS you to be a bit more sensitive with her? Some people just have a sensitive soul, it's not anything to be ashamed about or to try to change.
Please don't take offense but......You are coming across as kind of abrasive in your post, and I can only imagine what this feels like 24-7 to your dd. She seems to be going through a hard time right now and needs a mommy to mother her, not tell her to 'get over it'. I would be horrified if I cried about something my dh deemed insignificant and he told me to get over it. Maybe she wants to stay with MIL, not because she is getting 'spoiled' by her, but because MIL is meeting some emotional need? Whether or not YOU feel what she is crying about is important, it IS important to her. And usually when they cry and whine over cold milk/wrong socks/annoying brothers, it's really an underlying issue. And left unchecked it can really affect the child, as it's doing to your dd. Take a week to really tune in to her needs. Maybe she needs some time alone with you, or a quiet afternoon to talk, or something is bothering her at school? Have you asked her? And please, stop trying to get her 'over it'. That is so incredibly damaging to her spirit. Empathize with her. Even talk about a time you get frustrated/sad/mad and let her see that you have felt the same way. If you shut her out now at just 6 years old, you can imagine how she will have learned to shut YOU out at 16. Scary. I always want my kids to come to me with problems/issues/questions without ever feeling that I will ridicule or minimize them. It sets up an open relationship for those rocky teen years. If she feels like she can't go to her mama she will find someone else to confide in. In her case, it's her grandma, but in 10 years it may be the wrong crowd of teens, yk? HTH
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