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Old 01-15-2008, 11:19 AM   #1
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Mourning the loss of my time w/ DC1

I'm so very grateful for the birth of my second child, and we are blessed that he is as healthy as our first. My DD is 23 months old and my VBAC failed and I ended up w/ a c-section again. That meant that I was in the hospital for nearly 5 days and then had epidural complications and had spinal headaches that weren't really identified until a few days after I came home, this meant that for more than a week, I wasn't around physically or mentally for my DD and she relied on Grandma or my DH for everything. Plus, now that I am home (without the spinal headaches) I still can't lift her because of the c-section.

I knew that transitioning from one child to two would be an adjustment, but I didn't count on feeling this sense of loss over my one-on-one time my daughter. I also have been there 24/7 for my DD as she has reached milestones and developed and I have grown and adapted with her (meaning I grew as a parent on my strategies to meet her needs and still stay sane) But now...she is this little toddler with new skills that have shown up in just a week and I miss her. I want my little girl back that I had a week ago

I'll be home with both children alone starting tomorrow, which means I will adapt and figure out this balancing of two children, but I just hope that I can still be her Mommy and the one she turns to for things.

I'm sure that my Post partum hormones are partly to blame, but it is still a feeling of loss that I didn't expect.....

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Old 01-15-2008, 11:24 AM   #2
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Re: Mourning the loss of my time w/ DC1

It is a huge adjustment and I feel your pain. I want to offer some advice from experience. Make time to take your oldest out by herself for a walk, to the park, just the two of you. yes, it will cut into the time you and she have with dad, and the new sib, but it's sooo worth it and helps tremendously on those feelings of loss, guilt etc.
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Old 01-15-2008, 11:29 AM   #3
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Re: Mourning the loss of my time w/ DC1

Quote:
Originally Posted by kaspears17 View Post
It is a huge adjustment and I feel your pain. I want to offer some advice from experience. Make time to take your oldest out by herself for a walk, to the park, just the two of you. yes, it will cut into the time you and she have with dad, and the new sib, but it's sooo worth it and helps tremendously on those feelings of loss, guilt etc.
ITA! i do this with both my dd's separately now and will continue to do when the twins come. right now it works perfect since when one dd is with me the other is with their dad and they get alone time with both parents
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Old 01-15-2008, 11:36 AM   #4
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Re: Mourning the loss of my time w/ DC1

I so totally and completely understand. I was scared to death to be left alone after the birth of #2. I was scared I wouldn't love him as much as DD and that I wouldn't be able to cope with a newborn and a toddler.
:hug:

Hang in there!!
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Old 01-15-2008, 11:36 AM   #5
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Re: Mourning the loss of my time w/ DC1

It took us awhile to adjust to two at home as well. They are two years and one week (almost to the minute!) apart. It wasn't until about 5/6 weeks that I really hit a groove with parenting two. My older son and I now have special Mommy time once or twice a week. While it doesn't make up for ALL the time I spend breastfeeding, I'm going for quality, not quantity. I plan special outings for just the two of us or do special things at home (without littlebrother in a sling... JUSt us). He enjoys "special time" as he calls it.

But prior to the 5/6 week mark, I was so unable to do just the basics with EITHER child. I was really overwhelmed.

You are not alone. *hugs*
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Old 01-15-2008, 11:37 AM   #6
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Re: Mourning the loss of my time w/ DC1

Oh, and I'm home with both kids for 24 hours at a time (husband is a professional fire fighter, so he works 24 on, 48 off) and.. well.. it sucked at first. But then slowly improved. (Again, at that 5/6 week mark!)
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Old 01-15-2008, 11:37 AM   #7
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Re: Mourning the loss of my time w/ DC1

OOOooohhh. I am sooooo nervous about this. I am getting more and more scared the closer his birth gets. I hope you can give me encouraging words after a few days of figuring things out!
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Old 01-15-2008, 03:23 PM   #8
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Re: Mourning the loss of my time w/ DC1

Thanks mamas...

I know it will take some time to figure out...and I know on some level that my daughter will be just fine. I still feel so guilty about knowing that I will be having to "barely" meet her needs while my DS is in those first few weeks of life. I'm always breastfeeding or diaper changing the little guy and trying to protect his head and face from the books she is plopping down on top of us to read....

Thanks again.

DH is home now so I want to spend some time w/ him and DD while DS is sleeping....
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Old 01-16-2008, 12:03 PM   #9
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Re: Mourning the loss of my time w/ DC1

We can all relate. My boys are 18 months apart. I felt so overwhelmed in the beginning. You'll all need an adjustment period. Just think of what a wonderful gift having a sibling is. Now mine are 4 and 2 1/2 and are best buds. You'll get the one on one time back, just not as much of it. Try putting your dd to bed at night, or giving her a bath while Dad watches the baby.

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Old 01-16-2008, 12:54 PM   #10
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Re: Mourning the loss of my time w/ DC1

When I had my second, I went from feeling like the best mom in the world to immense guilt that I was never going to be enough to either of my children.

My experience was that, you're right, it's a huge adjustment, but that within a relatively short period of time most families make the adjustment well. And, by this time next year (or maybe a little after that), your little family is going to be chugging along in a wonderful rhythm.

Even though my kids are older now, I still think it's great to try to get a little one on one time with each of them. Granted, that doesn't happen all that often, but when it does, I (and hopefully they) cherish it.

Congrats on the new one!
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