Anyone DR (or similar).. alone?

[MyKzooFamily]

I have been trying to get DH on the DR/debt-payoff band wagon for a while. While he DOES almost have our car paid off 3 years early (using this year's taxes and extra from the last couple months).. he is not as 'commited' as I had hoped. We still spend WAY too much, budget too much, and he won't get as serious as I'd like us to be for 'gazelle' accomplishments.

He has 3 little things on his credit report that are killing his credit score. While we do not care about credit scores, as we never hope to borrow for any car or loan or credit card ever again, we have never owned a home, and want to eventually. When your credit score is UNDER 580... they won't even think twice about giving you a mortgage, no matter how small it is.

He ignores them, and will 'get to them' eventually, and I feel like I need to put my STRENGTH and energy else where.

MY credit is horrible, I have like 10 small debts, some of them 'large' to me ($500-$800) and student loans I'm not counting because I'm still doing online classes towards my degree. I feel like instead of nagging him, I should just lead by example, and start working hard to save whatever I can to get stuff paid off, little by little. It's harder work for me, as DH and I have separate finances, so the $20 I make monthly selling stuff is all I have. While DH has his paychecks, does all bills, budgets all our groceries and spending, etc. So I don't get to see his/our 'extra', or 'spent' or whatever he does. It is what it is, and I'm not going to fight with him about it.

Anyone else just doing it alone? Or trying to lead by example? Do you feel it is worth it to you? Do you think you may eventually have a spouse that will join in?

[Hoping2BaMomma]

When I was in school full time and not working much, but DH worked full time it was "our" money. When he was in school time and I pulled in most of the money it was still "our" money.

I know people do it all the time, but I feel like separate accounts and "my money" causes tension in marriage. You can't fuss over "who is going to pay this bill" if it's all together.

Right now, you feel like you have no money except the $20 you get from selling online. This isn't right and has obviously made you upset (maybe feel inferior.) Just my 2 cents!

[MyKzooFamily]

Originally Posted by Hoping2BaMomma When I was in school full time and not working much, but DH worked full time it was "our" money. When he was in school time and I pulled in most of the money it was still "our" money. I know people do it all the time, but I feel like separate accounts and "my money" causes tension in marriage. You can't fuss over "who is going to pay this bill" if it's all together. Right now, you feel like you have no money except the $20 you get from selling online. This isn't right and has obviously made you upset (maybe feel inferior.) Just my 2 cents!

I actually don't mind at all that our money is separate. I just wish he was more frugal and had more strict budgets for our household so we could put more towards debt. When he tells me at the end of the month how much we spent on 'spending money' and 'groceries' I feel like we should have cut WAY back, but I'm unable to help with that since I don't know what is going out and how much, and how much of the budget is left, etc.

We have separate accounts since I have had collections do garnishments before and attempt to empty my bank account, and we don't want that to happen again. So I really don't mind the separate accounts, and he does let me know numbers when I ask, it's just harder to know/see what is going on since I don't see/know much of it unless I remember to ask for updates, which is a pain.

I'm hoping he will become more frugal with our 'large' budgets that I feel are too loose, but for now, I'll chug away with my own hard earned money, trying to get some debt paid off.

[ambieone]

Who does the grocery shopping? If you do it, then you totally have control over the grocery budget! Even if you don't see the monthly budget, you can keep track on your own and try to figure out how to reduce the spending.

Do you each get your own "spending" money every month?

[MyKzooFamily]

Originally Posted by ambieone Who does the grocery shopping? If you do it, then you totally have control over the grocery budget! Even if you don't see the monthly budget, you can keep track on your own and try to figure out how to reduce the spending. Do you each get your own "spending" money every month?

He does, and I stay home with kids while he runs, since trying to fit 2 kids and groceries in a cart and make a quick trip (since I get sick fast) is kind of un-doable. This month I am doing it all, we just made our last trip and from here out we are not shopping at ALL (eating from pantry) and I am taking over meal planning and if we need stuff, I will run on Sat or Sun morning by myself. So that part I can kind of 'take over' now.

[ambieone]

Originally Posted by MyKzooFamily He does, and I stay home with kids while he runs, since trying to fit 2 kids and groceries in a cart and make a quick trip (since I get sick fast) is kind of un-doable. This month I am doing it all, we just made our last trip and from here out we are not shopping at ALL (eating from pantry) and I am taking over meal planning and if we need stuff, I will run on Sat or Sun morning by myself. So that part I can kind of 'take over' now.

Do you get to look at the receipts when he shops? Or do you make the list? Does he stick to a list? Just trying to figure out how you can "help" him save! Does he use coupons or is he willing to?

sounds like you'll be saving some money in groceries if you have enough to last a month! That's good!

[BSWmama]

Originally Posted by MyKzooFamily While DH has his paychecks, does all bills, budgets all our groceries and spending, etc. So I don't get to see his/our 'extra', or 'spent' or whatever he does. It is what it is, and I'm not going to fight with him about it.

Originally Posted by MyKzooFamily I actually don't mind at all that our money is separate. I just wish he was more frugal and had more strict budgets for our household so we could put more towards debt. When he tells me at the end of the month how much we spent on 'spending money' and 'groceries' I feel like we should have cut WAY back, but I'm unable to help with that since I don't know what is going out and how much, and how much of the budget is left, etc. We have separate accounts since I have had collections do garnishments before and attempt to empty my bank account, and we don't want that to happen again. So I really don't mind the separate accounts, and he does let me know numbers when I ask, it's just harder to know/see what is going on since I don't see/know much of it unless I remember to ask for updates, which is a pain.

I totally get why you have separate accounts, and why he has been doing the lion's share of the grocery shopping. But, still, do you know the passwords to your online accounts? Are you able to move money between them? Do you have some sort of written budget that you both worked on together? Did you get an equal say in what your family budget entails? I'm also guessing, in this arrangement, that DH has more fun money than you do? He has control over his entire paychecks and you have control over whatever piddly sum you make selling things? I don't even see how you can go it alone or lead by example in this scenario.

Honestly, I do not think you will be able to save or pay off debt at the pace you want to while your family's money is kept from you and you're in the dark about how it is being spent until it's already gone. I know you say you are okay with having finances so separate, but it doesn't sound like it, or maybe I am just projecting because there is no way that would be okay with me. It would make me feel scared as a SAHM to not know exactly how much money is coming in and how it is then being spent. It would make me feel disrespected if DH didn't consider me his equal in terms of family finances because I earn no income.

I think you do care about credit scores if you are going to buy a home someday - unless you intend to pay cash for it. You mention paying off the car early. What about using your snowball/windfall funds to pay off these smallish items on each of your credit reports instead? That would put you in a position to really improve your credit more than paying off the car.

Maybe a good first step would be to put all your accounts (bank accounts, credit cards, car loans, etc) on mint.com and then you can both have the password to the account. Then either of you can log in at any time and see what's up.

[mom1mg]

Originally Posted by BSWmama I totally get why you have separate accounts, and why he has been doing the lion's share of the grocery shopping. But, still, do you know the passwords to your online accounts? Are you able to move money between them? Do you have some sort of written budget that you both worked on together? Did you get an equal say in what your family budget entails? I'm also guessing, in this arrangement, that DH has more fun money than you do? He has control over his entire paychecks and you have control over whatever piddly sum you make selling things? I don't even see how you can go it alone or lead by example in this scenario. Honestly, I do not think you will be able to save or pay off debt at the pace you want to while your family's money is kept from you and you're in the dark about how it is being spent until it's already gone. I know you say you are okay with having finances so separate, but it doesn't sound like it, or maybe I am just projecting because there is no way that would be okay with me. It would make me feel scared as a SAHM to not know exactly how much money is coming in and how it is then being spent. It would make me feel disrespected if DH didn't consider me his equal in terms of family finances because I earn no income. I think you do care about credit scores if you are going to buy a home someday - unless you intend to pay cash for it. You mention paying off the car early. What about using your snowball/windfall funds to pay off these smallish items on each of your credit reports instead? That would put you in a position to really improve your credit more than paying off the car. Maybe a good first step would be to put all your accounts (bank accounts, credit cards, car loans, etc) on mint.com and then you can both have the password to the account. Then either of you can log in at any time and see what's up.

Yep mama. To me you have a much bigger and far more important issue going on here then paying down debts. FIRST you need to be an equal partner in your families finances. You CAN NOT make a budget or anything else without having some idea of how much money you have. You NEED to get online access NOW, today. If DH doesn't want you to have access to the accounts then I think you have a serious problem - not saying he doesn't but if he pushes back about it I think you need to seriously think about your relationship and control. Also re- shopping if you want to coupon/save money/ meal plan and DH won't or can't then you NEED to do it. Shop more often and use a stroller basket for groceries, or shop when the kids are asleep, or shop at stores which have a double seat cart OR do what I do... I push my stroller with one hand AND pull a shopping cart with the other - it doesn't look pretty and is a little hard at first but it TOTALLY do-able. Time to get control mama!!!

[happysmileylady]

Originally Posted by MyKzooFamily I actually don't mind at all that our money is separate. I just wish he was more frugal and had more strict budgets for our household so we could put more towards debt. When he tells me at the end of the month how much we spent on 'spending money' and 'groceries' I feel like we should have cut WAY back, but I'm unable to help with that since I don't know what is going out and how much, and how much of the budget is left, etc. We have separate accounts since I have had collections do garnishments before and attempt to empty my bank account, and we don't want that to happen again. So I really don't mind the separate accounts, and he does let me know numbers when I ask, it's just harder to know/see what is going on since I don't see/know much of it unless I remember to ask for updates, which is a pain. I'm hoping he will become more frugal with our 'large' budgets that I feel are too loose, but for now, I'll chug away with my own hard earned money, trying to get some debt paid off.

Mama, if you are frustrated by how much is being spent, frustrated
By how little money you personally have and don't feel like the two of you are working toward the same financial goals, I am going to gently suggest you are not ok with separate finances.

[KrisM]

Originally Posted by MyKzooFamily I actually don't mind at all that our money is separate. I just wish he was more frugal and had more strict budgets for our household so we could put more towards debt. When he tells me at the end of the month how much we spent on 'spending money' and 'groceries' I feel like we should have cut WAY back, but I'm unable to help with that since I don't know what is going out and how much, and how much of the budget is left, etc. We have separate accounts since I have had collections do garnishments before and attempt to empty my bank account, and we don't want that to happen again. So I really don't mind the separate accounts, and he does let me know numbers when I ask, it's just harder to know/see what is going on since I don't see/know much of it unless I remember to ask for updates, which is a pain. I'm hoping he will become more frugal with our 'large' budgets that I feel are too loose, but for now, I'll chug away with my own hard earned money, trying to get some debt paid off.

Do you budget or just track where it went? A budget is done before money is spent. Tracking just shows where it went after it's gone. Would he be willing to set a budget with you?

If that's the reason for separate accounts, why do you not have access to them? They won't garnish his account just because you logged in and looked at the balances. you shouldn't have to ask him how much money you have and what was spent. It's your money, too.

I mostly do DR on my own. But, that's because DH is very frugal, spends very little, and I do the bills. I spend the majority of our money, so I have the control over the budgets. DH spends maybe $40/month, plus gas for his car.