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Old 02-09-2008, 08:03 PM   #1
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I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

My older Ds is not my DH's biological son. My Dh has been around his entire life. I was dating my Dh during my whole pregnancy, he cut the cord and signed the birth certificate. My Ds's biological father was an *******. He chose not to have anything to do w/ my son and has since died. I always planned on telling my son the truth. I do not want him to ever feel lied to or tricked. The problem is how do I tell him. I planned for it to be an ongoing discussion kinda like giving him more detail as he got older so he would grow up always knowing. He is turning four so I think now is the time to start mention something but I'm not sure what to say or how to start. The most that I have said to him is briefly mentioning that some people'd dad's are'nt really their real dad but that they loved them so much they became their dad(or something like that, it was awhile ago)

I could really use some advice. especially from anyone who was raised by a father who was'nt their biological father(even if it's just to say my parents did this...but I wish they had said this..)

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Old 02-09-2008, 09:52 PM   #2
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

There are some great books out there that might help open the subject up. Jamie Lee Curtis has written one title is something like "Tell me about the night I was born" It tell the story of adoption, very cute. Plus I know of others, but I agree with you it's the time to start.

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Old 02-10-2008, 02:01 AM   #3
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

This isnt exactly what you are asking, but I have an older daughter and she visits her dad every weekend. My 4 year old son knows where shes going and we discuss that she goes to see her dad, but when he talks about "daddy" he doesnt really understand that even though she goes to her "dads" house that his dad isnt her dad. Did that make any sense? Just the other day he asked who her dad was and I said "remember daddy mark is heavens dad" and he gave me this puzzled look and said "allen is heavens dad" (allen is my current husband).

Basically what Im saying is that he might not be able to grasp the whole thing yet. I think what you have said is good. Introduce the ideas and build on them. If you have friends who have adopted or a book or movie where they have children who are adopted might help start a conversation about how some children are grown and some are chosen but they are all loved the same.

Maybe as he starts to understand you can give him a picture or something? I agree that not saying anything isnt right, but im not sure 4 is quite old enough to understand it fully.

Good luck and hugs momma. Hes a lucky boy
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Old 02-10-2008, 07:16 AM   #4
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

I was raised by my stepdad from the time I was 2 until I was ten. I don't ever remember having any particular conversation with my mom, I just always knew that he wasn't my dad. I still loved him like he was my real dad until he stopped coming around. My real father was never in the picture at all. I wish I knew how my mom told me about it, but I don't really know what she said. It was never an issue with me. He was my stepdad, but I called him dad, and as far as I was concerned, it didn't matter to me that he wasn't my real dad.
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Old 02-10-2008, 05:28 PM   #5
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

Thanks! Anyone else?
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Old 02-10-2008, 05:57 PM   #6
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

I don't have much advice, but I think you are doing the right thing. I think it's very important to be upfront with your son, that way it will never be some sort of shocking thing, it'll just be something he's always known about. My oldest dd's biological father has never been in her life. He date raped me on our first date and I choose to keep him out of her life. I met my dh when she was 13 monthes old, for as long as dd can remember, dh has been her Daddy. He adopted her when she was almost three years old. I have always talked to her about when she was a baby, before we knew Daddy. We have pictures of her adoption day and talk fondly of it. Because I have been open about it, I was surprised when she came to the realization that dh isn't her biological father. About a month ago, she asked how Daddy put her in my tummy if we didn't know him yet. I explained that it was someone else who put her in my tummy, but he wasn't a good person to be in her life, so we found a good Daddy for her. Ever since she has been telling dh how glad she is that he is her Daddy!
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Old 02-10-2008, 06:06 PM   #7
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

well I really would be gentle in the language you use, don't say real dad, because your DH is his real dad, he ma not be his birthfather or biological dad, but he is real and he has really been there for him, don't take away from that with the language you use, I know you don't mean to, I am just telling you what we learned in our adoption classes.
I don't know much more than that except Iwould caution not making it a big deal to him and only revealing ti him what he can easily handle at the moment.
HTH, Suzanne
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Old 02-10-2008, 06:29 PM   #8
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

well lets see if this comes over in type.
my DD is 10. My husband is not her biological father. But my husband was there the day she was born and cut the cord. he did not sign the birth certificate though. My husband adopted her when she was 2. Her biological father saw her once when she was 3 days old.

my daughter has always known that my husband is not her father and that she was adopted by him. She has asked questions about her bio father and I answer them the best way i can. Although I think her bio father made really bad choices, like drugs, drinking and casual sex with many women, i would never tell her that. I try to tell her the good things about him, and trust me after what he did to us, they are hard to find sometimes.

All you can do is be truthful and don't belittle or put down his father. After all he is a part of that other person and i think that is a great way to cause self esteem issues.

if you ever need to chat PM me. Sounds like our situations are very similar.
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Old 02-10-2008, 06:31 PM   #9
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

double post...
Darn slow DS

Last edited by ktmelody; 02-10-2008 at 06:32 PM.
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Old 02-23-2008, 09:14 PM   #10
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Re: I need advice. Talking to son about birthfather

I think 4 yrs is far too young. to know your dad died or to even talk about death at that age is very confusing and even a bit scary. I'd wait till the child is 7 or so...
i only say this cause I have kids in all ranges of ages and my 9 year olf finally really understands things like this where my 7 year old is oblivious.
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