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Old 03-17-2008, 10:03 PM   #1
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Recs for GD books please !

I need some recs for some good Gentle discipline books. I am SOOOO tired of saying NO and her going ahead and doing it anyways.
NO is like a fashion statement that is quickly going out of style.

She is a MAJOR screamer, like big time for no reason. She just screams bloody murder like she is seriously hurt and she wont stop. SHe is perfectly OK when she is doing this, she is just walking through the house screaming.

She is starting tho throw things, kick, hit. And her new fav word is now NO !

Lately she has been throwing her self down backwards anytime I tell her "NO, we dont do_____" and then she screams.

Im a firm believer that you shouldnt have to baby prof your hosue, the child learns what NOT to bother but Im really starting to rethink that because DD is into EVERYTHING. She climbs the cabinets, tries to get into the oven (which is REALLY scary because it doesnt lock and she ignores me when I tell her NO its HOT it will burn/hurt you).

She has broken all of my stone coaster because she pulls them off the dresser thing in the living room and they hit the tile floor even after repeatedly telling her "NO, those arent yours, they are not a toy".

Im really at my wits end here. I feel so horrid because the other day she was pulling on the oven door while it was on and I kept telling her "NO, its hot it will hurt you" and pulling her back away from it and she jsut kept going back to it so I smacked her leg. I didnt know what else to do to get her to leave it alone I was so scared that she would get it open and get burnt.

I am so afraid that she is going to get hurt because she will not listen to me. DH doesnt discipline her at all and I REALLY think that MAYBE if he did, she just might listen.

Im just out of things to do. My mom suggested putting her in the playpen in the dining room (so that I can see her and she can see me) without toys or TV and give her a time out everytime she screams or pulls something down. But Im not sure that a time out will do much good.

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Old 03-18-2008, 07:21 AM   #2
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Re: Recs for GD books please !

I know what you mean about not wanting to baby-proof the house but I also don't want to spend my whole life saying no. The compromise we settled on was arranging the living room so that it is a safe place for the kids to play and explore. There are still things that they can't mess with...they can't climb on the stone hearth and play in the fireplace, they can't mess with the tv, dvd player, etc, they can't climb up on the back of the couch and play with the blinds, if dh or I have a drink in there, they can't mess with that, but otherwise, that's kind of their little corner of the world and just about anything goes. I figured that by keeping the "no's" to a bear minimum, we could focus on the ones that were really important instead of having to scold them for every move they made. DH still struggles with this. If DJ takes his shoes off and starts playing with them, dh gets mad and wants to fuss at him. I ask myself, "is it hurting anything? Is it dangerous?" and if not, I tend to let it go. I think after a while, they kind of tune out the "no's", so I try to save them for times when I really mean it.

When we do have to lay down the law, I try to do it in a positive way. Instead of "Don't jump on the couch!" I remind them that bottoms go on the couch and feet go on the floor. "Don't hit your brother!" becomes "we use our hands for helping people we love, not hurting them." If they take something away from the other one, I try to offer a better solution ("James has the car you want, maybe if you get another car out of the toybox, he would like to swap with you.") Especially with DJ, when he starts getting an attitude or temper, I try to tell him "I know you're upset right now and it's ok to be upset. It is not ok to talk mean to mommy or hit. Would you like to sit here in my lap while you chill out or would you like some time alone?" Sometimes he opts to sit in my lap and snuggle for a few minutes, then he'll apologize and go on playing. Sometimes he says he wants to be alone and he'll go find a corner to sit and stew for a little while then come back to me for some loving. It was funny (ok, at the time it was infuriating!) last weekend because I was really stressed out and lost my temper and yelled at both of them. DJ very calmly put his hand on my arm and said "Mom, I think we all need to just take a deep breath and chill out. Would you like to sit down here next to me while we all calm down?" I wasn't impressed at the time, but later I was really happy because I know that at least on some level it's sinking in. He still has a hard time remembering to take a deep breath and calm down when he's the one that's upset but I'm sure that will come with time.

DJ is more at an age to understand why we have certain rules than James is. When we visit Grandma's house, DJ has a bad habit of grabbing her coffee cup and then asking if he can have a sip. A couple of times, she let him put his hand on the outside of the cup to feel how hot it is and then pointed out the steam coming from the coffee and explained to him that the steam means it's really hot and it will burn him. He's finally learning to ask if it's hot before he grabs it now. I don't always give him a detailed explanation of why I make the rules I make, but sometimes I do think that it helps him to know why I say things...it's not just that I'm being mean, there's a reason.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense or not...maybe check out the book "Love and Logic" (there are several of them...you can choose the one that's appropriate for your child's age). They give you lots of fun tools to use with your kids and lots to think about...
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Old 03-18-2008, 08:06 AM   #3
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Re: Recs for GD books please !

Kaitlynn just turned 1 so its really hard for her to understand right now because she has no attention span.

We rearranged the living room to make it safer because we had the couch in front of the window so we moved it against a wall, the entertainment center, well, the only way to make it safer is to put a fence around it and our living room just doesnt have enough room for it.

I really try hard not to say NO but sometimes its the only thing that I can get out in a hurry.

And she is smart. At 10months she was finding things like her shape sorters or piling stuffed animals up to something and using them as a step to climb.

Short of penning her up in the dining room or taking her toys away, I dont know what to do to keep her from climbing like that.
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Old 03-18-2008, 08:47 AM   #4
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Re: Recs for GD books please !

I have a couple I like, and a few I'm still reading right now. In order of age:

1-2
Dr. Sears' The Discipline Book It is a good transition from AP basics to GD basics.

2-4
Playful Parenting
Connection Parenting
Positive Discipline for Preschoolers

2+
Kids are Worth It!
Easy To Love, Difficult to Discipline

4+
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen.....
Siblings Without Rivalry

And for all ages, the "Your ____ Year Old" series by the Gesell Institute and Louise Bates Ames. These are NOT GD, but they do provide a serious bit of insight to the mind of an average child long after the "what to expect" type books leave off. I buy them and ignore their discipline advice.


You know something - the one solution I found for having children quit doing something was to do it with them. We made the rule that as long as an adult was there it was safe to explore. The few things that were off limits entirely (like fire - I had a child who didn't register feelings of hot and cold well and thought it was pretty well into the preschool years), I had to give a reason why. "No!" just didn't cut it. Saying "HOT!" or "Ouch!" and constantly removing the child helped me save my 'no's for really important things.

That, and I think it's perfectly okay to scream. My job is to help navigate, not to make all the discomforts go away. I can empathise, I can hug, I can lend an ear, but I refuse to let the screams get to me. I'm a huge believer in signing, too. The sign for 'angry' or 'I don't like that' can be so satisfying to do. It's a great way of getting out frustration and helping the parent to understand.
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Old 03-18-2008, 08:53 AM   #5
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Re: Recs for GD books please !

Mine are both climbers too. I thought the climbing was bad until they started jumping. Now their favorite thing to do is climb up on top of the back of the couch and try to fly. Those are things that are not safe, so I don't mess around with that. There are rules and we have to abide by those rules. I can't (won't) take the couch out of the living room so they're going to have to learn what the couch is for. But coasters on the table (especially breakable ones) is another matter.

To deal with the climbing, I try to make sure that they get plenty of outside time and get to run and jump and climb. If they're climbing on the couch or the entertainment center (DJ always piled in things in front of it to climb up...James tries to climb the shelves!) I remind them that we climb on the swingset, not the shelves or something like that. DJ's 3.5 so I can reason with him a little bit and ask him if he thinks what he's doing is safe, is it setting a good example for James, etc. and let him come to the conclusion that maybe there's a better idea. With James, I still pretty much have to redirect him. I'll tell him, "That's dangerous...you can get hurt" and then try to get him interested in something else. Many times (most times) I have to remind him several times and maybe even physically move him from whatever he's doing that's not safe. Lately he's developing an attitude and will throw a temper tantrum when I move him but that's ok. We deal with that however is appropriate at the time.

One year old is still very young and the world is very new and interesting. Try to remind yourself that as frustrating as the curiosity and need to explore and test the limits is now, as an adult, those are qualities you'll respect and admire in her. Try to nurture those qualities and teach her appropriate ways to use them.

ETA: And do check out the Love and Logic books...they really do give some great advice.
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Old 03-18-2008, 09:01 AM   #6
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Re: Recs for GD books please !

my current faves are
Creative Parenting ~Dr Sears
Parenting with Fire~lighting up the family with passion and inspiration ~ by Shmuley Boteach~ I can't recommend this one enough, it is my absolute FAVORITE right now~ amazing!
Adventures in Gentle Discipline ~ LLL

LilyGrace had a LOT of great things to say. ITA with so much of what she said.
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Old 03-18-2008, 09:04 AM   #7
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Re: Recs for GD books please !

I have worked with signing but she just cant sit still long enough to work with me. I think I need to put a magnet in her diaper.

Maybe its time to invest in some Signing time DVDs ?!?!


If her screaming wasnt so obnoxious I wouldnt mind it. We actually got asked to leave Walmart the other night because she was screaming. I had to let DH check out and I had to take her to the car.

Its not just a play scream. Its a blood curdling, ear piercing scream. No kidding there was a balloon on the floor the other day not touching a single thing other than the floor. She started screaming and that balloon popped.
I love when she sings or when she is making noise just because but the screaming like that is totally different.

I dont think that she is in any pain when she is screaming. I tend to her as soon as she starts screaming to make sure that is is OK because its just a horrid scream. Lots of times she will just be standing in the middle of the living room screaming. I make sure shes not hurt, give her a snack, get her a drink, hold her... nothing works she just continues to do it.
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Old 03-18-2008, 09:08 AM   #8
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Re: Recs for GD books please !

Quote:
Originally Posted by isabelsmom View Post
my current faves are
Creative Parenting ~Dr Sears
Parenting with Fire~lighting up the family with passion and inspiration ~ by Shmuley Boteach~ I can't recommend this one enough, it is my absolute FAVORITE right now~ amazing!
Adventures in Gentle Discipline ~ LLL

LilyGrace had a LOT of great things to say. ITA with so much of what she said.
What is the Parenting with Fire ?? Is that the Rabi Shmuley guy ?
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