Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-25-2008, 05:48 PM   #1
orteggleston's Avatar
orteggleston
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Queen Creek, AZ
Posts: 3,884
Should I stay or should I go now....

I realize that I am in the minority as far as parenting styles go (at least IRL ), but it is rare that I actually butt heads with someone about it. Well on Sunday it happened. And sorry...this is long

At our church, once children are 18 months old there is a nursery class they can attend (until then, they go with mom and or dad to whatever class they go to).

I have been going with DS to nursery because he will not happily stay there by himself yet. There are many parents who just drop their kids and run whether they cry or not, but I understand that is their decision and I respect that. On Sunday, there was one particular little boy in nursery who sobbed for the entire 2 hours (about 3 weeks in a row now) He just turned 18 months old, but was 8 weeks premature so is quite delayed in several ways.

Up until a couple of weeks ago, the nursery leaders would calm children by taking them outside to the patio, or walking around the halls and then return to the nursery room. If they couldn't calm a child in 10-15 minutes they would take the child to a parent...or go and get a parent.
So at one point (about an hour in) I asked the head Nursery leader (she is kind and loving and really very good with the children), if I could take him outside to the patio to calm him down. She replied to me that they do not do that anymore. That they have found it better to just "barrel through it".

Well I was shocked by that, but just nodded my head and turned my attention back to ds.

She then walked over to me and continued to explain...
"All the parents stay for awhile...like you have been doing.
But then there comes a time when they need to go...like next week you don't need to be here anymore"

This time I was not the only shocked person in the room...all the other adults could not believe that she said that to me either

I politely told her that I could not do that and that crying/screaming for 15, 20 or 30 minutes was not ok with me much less 2 hours.

So she continued...
"I know it will be hard...
Kids need to learn that this is a safe place...
All kids are different...
They will work through it...
This child and that child and this one also had a really hard time at first but now they love it in here..."

I explained to her that I do not believe children learn to feel safe by crying until they get use to it...crying until they realize that no matter what they do this is where they are going to have to be. I also told her that having a screaming child in the room is not beneficial for the rest of the children (there are about 19-25 kids depending on the week) or adults for that matter . The environment should be as calm as possible and a crying child who cannot be comforted induces stress and tension. I realize that there are bound to be episodes where children cry, but not inconsolably for 2 hours (or even 15 minutes IMO).

So a few minutes later DH came in to trade me places (having no idea any of the above had occurred). As soon as I was gone the Nursery leader told him that he could leave So he left and stood outside the door listening to make sure that ds was fine...he then returned to the room every 5 minutes or so just to make sure and as soon as he heard him fussing he went back in (good job DH ). Dh said that once it was time to leave, the nursery leader commented to him that I thought our ds was going to be like the other child who cries for 2 hours Had she heard anything that I said!!

I went to nursery with my older ds off and on until he was about 2.5...and then one day he just didn't need me anymore. He said "bye mom have fun in your class".

I am more than willing to do the same thing this time around. It is important to me that my children feel comfortable and safe...and also important that I be confident in knowing that they are happy and safe. I would not be able to sit in class knowing that my child was screaming in the other room.

So let me have it! The good, the bad, the ugly Am I being ridiculous (so far 2 out of 3 of mamas I have mentioned this to seem to think so)? Is it really that big of a deal? What would you do?

Advertisement

__________________
~~Alison~~
Mama to TJ 5/04, Elijah 6/06 and Sophia 6/12

ISO: Luxe Baby Wool
orteggleston is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-25-2008, 05:59 PM   #2
diane24's Avatar
diane24
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Kansas
Posts: 483
My Mood:
Re: Should I stay or should I go now....

When we started taking DD to nursery I stayed with her until she was calm and playing and I'd tell her I'm going now I'll be back if you need me. I'd hang outside and if I heard her start to fuss I'd go back in. Eventually she figured out that I wasn't going to leave her there forever and that if she needed me I would be there. Now she goes to nursery every week with barely a glance over her shoulder at me. She's made friends and from what the teacher told us actually sits and listens to the lesson. Every kid is different and some just take longer to feel comfortable without parents around. I don't think you're wrong for staying there with your kiddo. I think if the leader has a problem with you staying there she should talk to you and perhaps the primary leader together(I'm assuming you're LDS) that way you would have someone not directly involved with the situation and perhaps she could explain why she doesn't want you in there.
__________________
Rachel wife to Ryan mother to Evelyn Rose 07-20-05 and Sariah Bethany 08-12-08
diane24 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-25-2008, 06:09 PM   #3
orteggleston's Avatar
orteggleston
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Queen Creek, AZ
Posts: 3,884
Re: Should I stay or should I go now....

Quote:
Originally Posted by diane24 View Post
I think if the leader has a problem with you staying there she should talk to you and perhaps the primary leader together(I'm assuming you're LDS) that way you would have someone not directly involved with the situation and perhaps she could explain why she doesn't want you in there.
I am LDS

I have thought a lot about inviting someone else into the conversation...one of the Primary presidency maybe...and I definitely will suggest that if this escalates any further.

I honestly do not think that she will ask me to leave or tell me that I cannot be there, but it has just become a bit of an uncomfortable situation now.

__________________
~~Alison~~
Mama to TJ 5/04, Elijah 6/06 and Sophia 6/12

ISO: Luxe Baby Wool
orteggleston is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-25-2008, 06:18 PM   #4
Infinity's Avatar
Infinity
Registered Users
Formerly: five-littlemonkeys
seller
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Nestled in the Redwood forests of CA
Posts: 3,268
My Mood:
Re: Should I stay or should I go now....

Sounds like your LDS?
You are totally right!!
I think the nursery leaders should respect parenting styles. If they’re not then the Bishop needs to be told. I also think that if a child cries for 5mn or fusses for 10mn the parents should be alerted and should either take the child or stay with them. It IS disturbing to the other DC not top mention emotionally distressing to the upset DC. If a nursery or primary leader was being disrespectful to my parenting style or demanding, like this, that I make my DC cry and not care about it, I would remove them from the class and go to the Bishop. If he did nothing (not likely) I’d go higher and higher till someone did.
__________________
Jen Our house is LOUD & messy, full of love and we have a blast!
6/98 Alex, 3/00 Ender, 7/04 (our "Beans") Aeryn & Ashe, 6/06 (Bug) Asterix, and 12/08 (Midg) Atreyu


Infinity is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-25-2008, 06:23 PM   #5
Heather8183's Avatar
Heather8183
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 9,755
Re: Should I stay or should I go now....

I came to DS with the same problem a few months ago and most of the mommas told me to leave the church and that I was being too over protective.

We didn't though, I just had a long talk with the woman and told her that she was free to raise her children as she liked but that this was how I was raising my son. I told her if there wasn't "room" in the nursery (her excuse) for me then I would take me son to another room and keep him there myself. DS and I now stay in the nursery unless there's someone in there who I trust to come get me if he cries at all.

GL!
__________________
Heather-wife to the sexiest plumber you've ever met,
mama to H (6) K (3) and the newbies Sonia Faith and Jon David
My ISO/IHA My WAHM Wares
ES list IDDDSO Gira Diamonds & Stripes ringsling
Heather8183 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-25-2008, 09:25 PM   #6
MCR's Avatar
MCR
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Northern California
Posts: 10,642
My Mood:
Re: Should I stay or should I go now....

You sound like a wonderful Mum, seeing to your childs needs, and doing what makes him feel comfortable. Go with your gut. Your Dh is pretty cool too, waiting outside the door and coming in as needed. Way to go Dh.
__________________
Mum to and and Wife to SHOP MR REBATES
MCR is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-25-2008, 09:35 PM   #7
seahawk's Avatar
seahawk
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 719
Re: Should I stay or should I go now....

Not only do I not think you are being ridiculous, I would not be able to trust someone who treated children like that to watch my son.
seahawk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-25-2008, 09:39 PM   #8
kocho's Avatar
kocho
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 11,745
My Mood:
Re: Should I stay or should I go now....

I can't believe the nursery lady thinks it's ok for a child to cry for that long. How sad. I say do what makes you and your child comfortable. Each child adapts to the nursery situation at their own speed and some never do. I know I have assured parents that we'd be ok if they wanted to leave, but I would never say a parent had to leave!! How rude!! Our nursery has a call box so they can call you out of service and if I'm not in service I'm sure to tell them what class I'm helping with just in case. My kids love their classes now and rarely give me a second glance (cry).
__________________
I am a WIC Breastfeeding Peer Counselor!!

My Avon Earn giftcards with Swagbucks My Blog - Change Jar Blog
kocho is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-25-2008, 09:41 PM   #9
orteggleston's Avatar
orteggleston
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Queen Creek, AZ
Posts: 3,884
Re: Should I stay or should I go now....

Quote:
Originally Posted by MCR View Post
You sound like a wonderful Mum, seeing to your childs needs, and doing what makes him feel comfortable. Go with your gut. Your Dh is pretty cool too, waiting outside the door and coming in as needed. Way to go Dh.
Thanks mama: goodvibes:

Quote:
Originally Posted by seahawk View Post
Not only do I not think you are being ridiculous, I would not be able to trust someone who treated children like that to watch my son.
Yeah that is a tough call...in the particular situation I mentioned above, the child's parents were fine with him crying the entire time But I do agree that they could have a different policy on how to handle it when they do have a child that upset.
__________________
~~Alison~~
Mama to TJ 5/04, Elijah 6/06 and Sophia 6/12

ISO: Luxe Baby Wool
orteggleston is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-25-2008, 09:52 PM   #10
For The Love Of Cloth's Avatar
For The Love Of Cloth
Registered Users
Formerly: tmolly
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,783
My Mood:
Re: Should I stay or should I go now....

I would feel the same way you do.
__________________
Tabitha , Mommy to my sweet little boys! Elijah and Timothy Wife to Chris.
For The Love Of Cloth is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.