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Old 05-09-2006, 05:58 PM   #21
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

If I try counting, ds helps also...and thinks it's really funny...me: "1.....2....." Kain: "3, 4, 7, 9, 2 hahahaha"

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Old 05-09-2006, 06:00 PM   #22
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

If I didn't see how it's obviously affecting my son negatively, I may not think twice about it. But it *is* affecting him....

I guess it just goes back to that - what works for one family, may not work for another. I'm sure there are spanking households that don't hold a lot of negativity...I just haven't experienced that.
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Old 05-09-2006, 06:05 PM   #23
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

We sometimes spank, also, but only as a last resort and usually only if DD is repeatedly doing something we have told her not to do that endangers her or someone else. Spanking for other stuff (or frequently) just doesn't affect her, she is the kid that will say "that didn't hurt!" and shrug it off...for her, standing or sitting in the corner (not with her nose in it) is much more effective because she feels like she is missing something...we also take away priviledges and send to bed early.

No flames here - it is important that however you choose to parent/discipline that it be out of love, not anger...DH and I both grew up with spankings, he much more than me, and it isn't something that we feel was effective then or now...when you are hitting your 16 year old with a lawn rake (my DH and his dad) you have gone wrong somewhere and are ruining your relationship with an almost adult! Be glad you are catching yourself now before you get that far!

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Old 05-09-2006, 06:06 PM   #24
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

Oh he's done the counting back at me. I've said 1-2-3 and he'll get cocky and say "4-5-6 now what are you going to do?" Grrr.

Jen, I see it affecting my DS too. I'm trying really hard not to spank him, mostly because of his bio-father (little did I know until it was too late) is VERY aggressive and according to some drs I have talked to some of these genes may actually be hereditary even though he has never met his bio-dad. It's scary but I see the temper in him. Now that he's getting older and understands more, I want to nip it in the bud that it's not ok to hit people (since his bio-father thought it was). How true the genetic thing is I have no clue, I'm not a scientist, but I'm trying not to spank much myself.
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Old 05-10-2006, 10:09 PM   #25
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

Good for you for thinking about all these things!! And you realise his behavior is age appropriate, which is a big thing... I know it doesn't help, but I can tell you that some of us just have active children!! It's nothing you've done, but your parenting may be more challenging then other parents you know! Don't beat yourself up if you have a bad day... the suggestion to count is a great idea! At childcare classes, they used to even recommend making sure the kids are safe & walk outside for some fresh air! My son is also a very active (sometimes miscevious) little boy! The pp that recommended putting things out of reach is a great suggestion! I find the days when only toys are out & there aren't all the distractions of things he can't touch (like Auntie & Uncles huge tv), our day goes better! Being outside is also great!! My son loves to run around & round the yard to run off energy!! He also loves to go for walks in the stroller... It's great that you see the good & know your son is a loving boy! Things will only get better!!
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Old 05-10-2006, 10:39 PM   #26
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Ok, as a seasoned mother of 11 years, I dont believe in spanking for minor things.... BUT I know kids and I know 2yr olds ( I also taught young preschool b/f SAHMing) They are very unpredictable- no matter what you do or how safe you make things, you still have to teach them whats ok, and what will hurt them, and I believe that if it is something major like: your child just turns and runs from you straight into the street- or as you mentioned risking falling out a 2nd story window- that those MAJOR life threatening incidents require a little more than your typical discipline. I do not hesitate to swat a butt if one tries to run in the street- it would be alot worse to get hit by a car! BUT whats important is that you dont use spanking all the time for everything OR when it really counts it wont work... and I also dont mean beat a kid or anything of course, but a swat on the butt (when rarely used) is going to grab their attention like "Whoah, what was that?" For other things, especially when that young, redirection is key & timeouts work if used correctly (think Super NAnny) But as we all know there are going to be times, regardless of how well we watch them, and protect them, that things will still happen...

I got pregnant with my 1st just after my 14th B-day. As moms, regardless of age, we all questions ourselves now and again...if we didnt, we wouldnt be human...we wouldnt be women... And how would we better ourselves? Why would we bother? The idea that it came up to your attention is enough to know you truly do feel to its not the right thing for your family, and thats the 1st step. We'll pray for you to find something that WILL work for YOUR family and to have the patience and strength it will take to break old habits and build on the new ones...
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Old 05-11-2006, 08:38 PM   #27
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

I didn't have time to read all the other posts, so excuse me if I am repeating what others have said!

I have given my DS (almost 4) a swat on his butt more times than I would like and what actually made me realise it wasn't something I liked was when I saw DH do it. I saw red. Then I realised that if I got that upset with his own father spanking him, then I needed to stop myself. Now, he didn't get spanked for no reason or for small things, but for things such as when he ran across a busy street and scared the life out of me (I think to this day I would have responded the same) I am trying to do the same thing you are. What I have started doing is that everytime I feel like he needs a spank, I stop, and think about what would work better. Sometimes talking works, sometimes time outs, sometimes nothing really works so I try and get his mind off of it. I try and decide what is really important. If it is something small, I try and laugh it off. My mother actually taught me that because I called her up crying one day because Riley wasn't listening (just like his daddy, he has selective hearing, lol) and she asked me if it was really that big of a deal. I decided it wasn't. He wasn't doing anything bad, I just wanted him to come and see me. I don't fight him on little things, just things where he could hurt someone or himself. It is a tough road and if you are determined to do it and have everyone else on your side, you can do it! Sometimes it is easier to resort back to what you are used to, but remember that he is still quite young and really doesn't understand a whole lot. He still needs to learn some things.

I hope I make some sense. It is late and I haven't gotten a whole lot of sleep! LOL! Good luck and good for you!
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Old 05-12-2006, 10:34 AM   #28
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by stephdpn
We sometimes spank, also, but only as a last resort and usually only if DD is repeatedly doing something we have told her not to do that endangers her or someone else. Spanking for other stuff (or frequently) just doesn't affect her, she is the kid that will say "that didn't hurt!" and shrug it off...for her, standing or sitting in the corner (not with her nose in it) is much more effective because she feels like she is missing something...we also take away priviledges and send to bed early.

No flames here - it is important that however you choose to parent/discipline that it be out of love, not anger...DH and I both grew up with spankings, he much more than me, and it isn't something that we feel was effective then or now...when you are hitting your 16 year old with a lawn rake (my DH and his dad) you have gone wrong somewhere and are ruining your relationship with an almost adult! Be glad you are catching yourself now before you get that far!

Ditto..Im on the fence on this...as I was raised beaten wth the belt...and abused by stepmom...

I dont think out of anger spanks are right yet I have done this myself....and I think sometimes a spanking is warranted and for certain kids. Some kids I dont think spanks help..they just hinder.

I dont know...it depends but I dont think ANYONE SHOULD EVER flame someone for spanking. Spanking to one person may seem horrid but then to another its their form of gentle discipline compared to what they went through.
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Old 05-14-2006, 12:09 AM   #29
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

OMGoodness, I used to have the most awesome book that you would benefit from!! It's called Systematic Training for Effective Parenting. I just googled it, and apparently there is a huge product market, which I don't think you need, but I thought I'd describe it a little and then if you want, I could help you find just the book- maybe at the library? I just don't think you need all the junk that they're trying to sell. The book I had was from the 70s or 80s and was just fine.

So it's a lot about Diplomatic/ Authoritative (there are lots of names) Parenting and Natural and Logical Consequences. Natural and Logical Consequences are so easy. If you go outside without your coat, you'll get cold. That's really simplistic, but it really works. It's about allowing kiddos to make choices and learning from those choices. That part is probably just right for your older DS. It's about communication and allowing your kiddo to say what he feels about his behavior too.

Try googling "authoritative parenting", there were several websites that popped up. And feel free to PM me for more info- especially if I wasn't very clear!
Hopefully they'll have some good tips or ideas for you.

If you try this style out, remember you can make these changes with BOTH your guys, but it won't be easy at first. Kiddos test their limits, and if you change the limits, they're going to have to re-test from zero, KWIM?
I think that you would prolly like the info that you read about- just don't be discouraged thinking its going to be too hard, it's definitely worth finding out about!!

BTW- I am a preschool teacher and I have used this sort of system (the bits that work for me, I'm not advocating anyone's specific system) and it works with almost any kiddo!! The only trouble kiddo I've ever had was an emotionally damaged and possibly sexually abused guy.

Please PM me if you want, I would love to help you find resources. I think that if you're feeling upset about the way you're reacting to their behaviors, you will really like some of the info I can pass on.

P.S. Sorry if this got preachy, just from your post you sounded like you genuinely want help and I think I can offer help or resources....
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Old 05-14-2006, 12:37 PM   #30
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

OMGosh! I totally know what you're feeling. Our ds is 20 mo old and can be a handful at times.

I pretty much keep in the back of my mind that he doesn't always know or can't understand that what he's doing is kind of wrong (taking all the books off the bookshelf). First of all, it's curiousity that's making him do it and curiousity is a good thing. Second of all, is it such a "bad" thing? Maybe I'm too relaxed. But learning to put things back is a good skill to learn too. My ds is really into that lately.

Once ds started to show signs of knowing when he was wrong (and he now says "sorry" w/it) it's time for discipline. I did some Nanny 911 watching and decided that the "Naughty Step" was going to be our technique. It works WONDERFULLY!!!!!!! The first few times I had to keep putting him there. Now he'll sit there his whole min. (1 min for every yr in age) and let me come to him! It's hard to discuss w/him yet what he did wrong, so I make sure he says he's sorry and gives hugs and kisses when we're done. We mostly end up doing this when ds is really tired and starts to throw fits over things.

To be honest, I can't remember exactly when we had to do this last... maybe the week before last.

Here's an example: If ds takes a cd off the shelf, we'll say "that's not for Jack" and put it back. If he throws a fit which is most likely when he's tired, we'll say, "That's enough." If it continues, straight to the naughty step. After we let him off the step, he sings a whole different tune!

I know it's not the technique for everyone, but it's really worked wonders around here. Most of all, it keeps me cool. I have found that my temper could flare up and I could easily spank (I have spanked him but it only made my feelings hurt) so the naughty steps makes me feel like I'm in control.

It's great. You're not a bad parent!!!!!! We're all learning in life. You'll find what works best for you soon!
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