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Old 05-15-2006, 10:13 PM   #31
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

I think you are very brave and an AWESOME mom for having the courage to come forward and admit that you want to change! That is way more important than anything you might have done in the past. We all make parenting mistakes, hell, I've made TONS of them and DS isn't even two yet!

I am against spanking in general, but sometimes I just get so mad that I find myself popping DS a good one on his (diapered! never bare!) bottom, or on his hand. Then I feel absolutely terrible for losing my control to the point of inflicting pain without even thinking about it. I feel worse about that than the actual spank!

I am very lucky that DS is turning out to be a mostly obedient little boy. *KNOCKS VIGOROUSLY ON WOOD!!!* When I tell him "no," "don't touch," "stay on the sidewalk please," "give me that," etc., he almost always does exactly what I say, which just blows me away. If he gets crabby about it, I let him throw his little fit for the whole 2.5 seconds that he's upset and then we move on to something else. But I totally understand and agree that there are MAJOR offenses for which a simple "no!" will not suffice!

It's a constant struggle to find appropriate yet effective ways to discipline. I do the smack on the hand and the occasional pop on the rear when he gets into that bratty toddler mode, but it happens SO rarely. Thank goodness. I can't imagine how I would feel if I had a more vivacious toddler who was constantly testing boundaries and such. I think I would have a whole lot more to feel guilty for then!

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Old 05-16-2006, 06:20 AM   #32
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

Yeah, he's CONSTANTLY moving and getting into stuff and testing boundaries...i mean, constantly. I have a feeling ds2 is going to be worse...and I've also heard age 3 is worse. I appreciate all the support...it really means a lot.

I've done really well with stopping the spanking and reasoning with him. And one thing that I totally appreciate from him is his honesty - and I was afraid that if I continue spanking, he'll be afraid to be honest? May or may not be true..but it sounds good. He is most definitely not an 'obedient' child...but he's not a total terror either (at least, not today). Sometimes he'll do what I ask with little complaint, other times he is BOUND AND DETERMINED to do whatever it is that I don't want him to do. Ped has commented that ds 'hyper-focuses' so that sometimes...what seems like inattention, is actually super-focused attention....just not on what I want him to focus on.

Thanks again to everyone for your support. All the different views and opinions really help you think about how you feel and get you grounded where you want to be (or at least, for me it has).

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Old 05-16-2006, 08:26 AM   #33
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

Just wanted to add my that a really good book for using time-out effectively is "1-2-3 Magic." I'm sure they have it at your library. It's good because it describes the theory behind it, and it also shows why being unemotional and completely consistent are super important w/that method. (i.e., "GO TO YOUR ROOM!" is not the way to go. you have expectations and consequences understood ahead of time, and then calmly - that can be hard! - put them into effect when necessary.) Some of the ideas are for older kids, but it's an easy read and well worth the time, IMO.

My ds is a handful, so I really sympathize. He totally does that hyper-focus thing, and it's so hard to deal with. Hang in there! We all struggle with these issues, except for those of us raising perfect angels. (And I haven't met one of those yet!!)
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Old 05-16-2006, 08:46 AM   #34
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

I applaud you for wanting to discipline in a more positive, gentle manner. I was spanked as a child and know first hand the anguish and fear it caused. I vowed I would never do that to my own children. We did use time-outs for awhile when our now 3yo was around 18 months. But I quickly began to see how ineffective they were and how the message of what we were trying to teach was getting lost. It was at that point some wonderful AP Moms put me on the path of gentle discipline. We don't spank, smack hands or use time-outs. Part of it was an attitude shift. We started viewing what we used to perceive as "misbehavior" for what it is - normal behavior. Our children handling situations the best they can for what level of development they are at. We also learned new ways to handle situations that used to result in tantrums. Now we have less tantrums and meltdowns and more cooperation.

I highly recommend you checking out Jan Hunt's material. Her book "The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart" is an excellent gentle discipline resource. As well as her website www.naturalchild.com/articles
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Old 05-16-2006, 09:06 AM   #35
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

I haven't read the other responses- I will later, but I wanted to let you know I'm reading "She's Gonna Blow". It's about how moms can deal with anger. It's a GREAT book.

Praying for you!!
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Old 05-16-2006, 09:34 AM   #36
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by raceNzanesmom
I haven't read the other responses- I will later, but I wanted to let you know I'm reading "She's Gonna Blow". It's about how moms can deal with anger. It's a GREAT book.

Praying for you!!
I'll have to look for that book...that's a GREAT title.
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Old 05-16-2006, 09:40 AM   #37
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

After I posted to the thread originally, I think that evening in fact, I was taking a bath and heard DH getting upset with DS downstairs. All the sudden I heard *SMACK*. Let me tell you, it was the hardest thing I could do to not get out of that tub and go flying down there but I could hear him talking to DS and obviously remoreful over it and my reacting in anger to DH wouldn't make any sense when I don't want him reacting in anger to DS...kwim?

So I finish my bath and go downstairs and I see on ds's forearm these red welts. I asked how that happened and DH said it was probably when he fell...I asked,"could it have been when you hit him?" and he said that yes it could be.
Now I KNOW he is horrified at himself. I know this is how he and his siblings were disciplined as kids and I know he doesn't want to do this. I didn't say anything else until DS went to bed and then we talked and later I printed some things on gentle parenting, etc...I didn't want to bring shame and guilt into this for him becausae they have no fruitful purpose in parenting IMO. He has no experience with kids other than our ds at all. He's learning and he has learned how he doesn't want to do it but that he's human and is flawed simply by that fact.

I just thought it was especially poignant after seeing this topic on here.
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Old 05-18-2006, 10:11 PM   #38
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

I don't know if you're a Christian or not, but GentleChristianMothers.com has really helped me for the past few months. Even if you're not , there's still some good reading there, especially the message boards.
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Old 05-19-2006, 02:55 PM   #39
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

I think hitting and spanking are not the same thing? We make it REALLY clear to our kiddos that they may choose to (a) obey us or (b) have a spanking. Every time they have chosen a spanking, they run to us right after and hug us.

I am still learning a LOT about parenting, and I certainly don't have the answer to this one. And they're still little, so our issues are very simple. But that works for us.

HUGS to you, mama - your son is blessed to have a mommy who loves him so much. He is learning by seeing you grow and change - you are teaching him that we can all learn more about each other and keep working to find the best situation. He will learn to love others by watching you love him.

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Old 05-19-2006, 05:26 PM   #40
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Re: I'm ashamed of myself (re: discipline..long)

If my dh hit my son hard enough to leave marks, they'd have to pry my fingernails out of his eyes - you have more self control that I do, FancifulFanny. I *do* agree that throwing a fit at that point in front of ds wouldn't have helped, but I don't think I could have stopped myself. However, I would say that if your dh hit hard enough to leave a mark visible several minutes later, that was probably a good bit over the line. I would suggest some sort of counseling, rather than just trying to work it out between you two, because someone could get hurt.

My parents spanked when I was young, among other fairly horrible sounding punishments (cayenne pepper poured into our mouth for lying, talking back, etc, for example). If I acted up in church, I used to get taken to a side room, where my dad would spank me until I stopped crying.

When my youngest brother was about 2 years old, and I was about 10, they decided that they were going to stop punishing us physically, after one particularly nasty episode with my baby brother who kept messing with the VCR and my dad who kept spanking him, harder, and harder, to make him stop. He was screaming and crying, but kept running back and pushing the buttons. My sister and brother hid behind the couch, and finally I, at 9 years old, went and grabbed him away from my dad and locked myself and him in the bathroom together. I got spanked later that night for disobeying, and I told my dad when he did it that I didn't care, I knew what I had done was right, and God would not like to see him spanking me (yes, I was an audacious little thing). That was the last time any one of us was spanked, or punished physically.

They actually sat us all down and told us that they weren't going to spank anymore, and laid out the new rules, with "Quiet Time" (timeouts), being sent to our rooms, loss of privledges, and loss of toys. Punishments were different for each of us. My sister HATED timeouts, one of my brothers would sleep through them, but couldn't stand not being allowed to go outside and play. The other brother, the worst thing you could do was take away his TV time. I was difficult to punish, I didn't mind timeouts, didn't care about TV, and didn't care too much about going outside - I liked to read, but I could sneak books way too easily. Luckily, I was older and didn't misbehave nearly as much as the younger ones, lol.

I think sitting your son down and telling him verbally (and making that commitment to him) will help you to stop - you won't just be doing something that you'd rather not do, you will be breaking a promise that you made to him. And he is probably old enough to remind you. After my parents committed to each other and to us to stop spanking, they *never* did it again. And, as you can see from my previous info, they spanked alot - way too much, IMO. It wasn't just their primary form of punishment, it was their only. And they went cold turkey. If my parents could do it, I know you can!
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