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Old 05-12-2008, 01:53 PM   #11
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

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I have a question..not sure if it is appropriate here if not let me know..I dont want to offend...

I am worried that no one will pick us once we get into the pool..I dont know why, I am sure that is every life parents fear. Can I ask what did you look for in life parents? Is my BM letter ok/boring/could have some changes?

Thank you very much
Why wouldn't anyone pick you?
What are your fears?

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Old 05-12-2008, 04:42 PM   #12
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

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Has anyone ever had issues with their open adoption as far as visitation or anything?
Yes, I've had horrific problems. Mine is also a relative adoption and her mother is insanely jealous of me. Its crazy but even 14 years later, she badmouths me to relatives and threatens to have me arrested if I ever try to 'take her back'. And, I've never done one single thing to make her feel this way.

Several years ago, they moved and I found out that she was passing bdaughter off as her bio-child. I did contradict her that time. I told bdaughter it was okay to tell anyone she wanted that she was adopted, as it was HER story to tell or to keep private. I also corrected the reasons her mother told her I placed her, which were completely fabricated and false.

I again found out last fall that her mother was telling her that I didn't want anything to do with her. At this point, I have contact with her via email. I send her an email and I let her father know I sent it. Mother has intercepted letters and other communications and lied to everyone about it. Her father is deeply disturbed by her mother's behaviors on this and disagrees entirely. Because bdaughter has requested continued contact with me, he feels that is what is best and healthy for her. So he continues to allow it.

For my part, I have never badmouthed her mother. I have MANY reasons I could do so. But, I won't ask her to choose sides. I won't put her in the middle. And, I won't set out to hurt her for any reason. I email her lots of light, inconsequential stuff and let her set the pace. I want her to know that I am here and I love her, and I will be there in whatever capacity SHE wants in her life...just as I will step back entirely if she desires.
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Old 05-12-2008, 10:01 PM   #13
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

oh wow. That is really bad! What a horrible woman. I am so sorry the adoptive mother is that selfish and rude. That would really piss me off. Obviously its too far into it to do anything. but holy cow. I feel your pain.
My situation is not as bad, but I had a pre-adoption agreement with the adoptive parents (I chose adoption at 3mos, and chose them around 5mos) and I specifically told them that i wanted to be a part of my daughters life, and that my family lives all within 10 miles of them, and they are going to see them all the time. so i want her to know who my family is and who i am, and I wanted to visit every 6 mos. All was fine and dandy til one day the adoptive mother was at the library with my birthdaughter (at that time was 3) and they stumbled upon my sister, and my niece (who was 8 at the time and is fully knowledgeable on the whole adoption situation) My niece started to talk to my bdaughter and tell her "im your cousin, korin is your mom, my mom is your auntie" and this really "apprently caught" the adoptive parents off gaurd... eventhough.. throughout the whole adoption process and everything i told them my whole family wanted to be a part of her life. and i had brought my sisters and mom to most of my visitations. yet they couldnt grasp the fact that my bdaugther was going to be surrounded by her biological family. and they hadnt told her yet. So they cut off all visitation. and to this day wont let me see her. They told me one day down the road i can see her again. but who knows.. i really tried to fix everything, and wrote them letters and told them how hurtful it was for them to do that to her, and me. but they are firm on their decision and it sucks because seeing her.. in her enviornment was the main time where i knew that i did the right thing.
I have regretted my decision since day one. I look at my life now.. and its SOOO different. I have a 16mo old now. I am a great mom, a loving wife. It just breaks my heart to know that i cant have that reassurance of seeing her little face.
ugh.. i have to stop now because im getting all sappy.. and sad. i will explain more later. Im really open about my feelings about this situation and the whole adoption. so if i confused anyone...feel free to ask me to elaborate on something.
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Old 05-12-2008, 10:47 PM   #14
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

My experience has been on and off difficult. I was very young when i got preggo and I didn't tell anyone until i was 7 1/2m. A family member had tried ivf, and adoption. Ivf failed and they were told they were to old to adopt. (this was 14 years ago) I knew this when i told my mom i was pregnant and chose, after lots of thought, that i wanted to give them my baby.

All went ok for the next 10 wks, b son was born happy and healthy. Since there was still a lot of red tape b son came home w/ me for 2 weeks. When his parents came to get him i couldn't be in the room w/ them for fear i would change my mind.

For the first few years they sent photos and updates and i got to see him 1-2 times a year. Although he has known who i was from the beginning the older he got the farther away they pulled. Fewer letters, fewer visits, etc. When he was 9 the person who was the strongest link between us died. after that the visits stopped. My dh and i got married in '05 and he was at our wedding. First time I had seen him in over a year. Since then I haven't seen him at all. no letters, no photos.

I think of him everyday and often still cry. Yes, there are times I regret my decision as I now have 3 more beautiful babes. I wonder "what if....." all the time. One of the hardest parts is my 9yo knows him, and they acknowledge(sp) that they are sibs. She often asks why we cant go see him or call him. She feels like she has suffered a loss too.

I should tell you that they had often been concerned that i would change my mind and try to get him back. This is the reason for the lack in communication. And I'd be lying if i said the thought hadn't crossed my mind. I hope for the future that he wishes to have a relationship w/ me but for now i will just pray for the best for him.

Thank you mamas for giving me an outlet. I have needed someone who understands to vent to. Thanks
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Old 05-13-2008, 12:16 AM   #15
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

i saw this thread and had to post as an adopted child. my mom is my bio mother but my dad adopted me. to some it only seems like yeah ok a step dad but it was never like that. his bio son lived in NC while we lived in TX and we always missed our 'other brother' . i consider myself lucky. my daddy chose me. he wanted to be my dad and wasnt tricked into it or any other way of being my dad other than his love for my mom and me/bro.

to all the birth parents our there that choose adoption and to all the parents that want to adopt.
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Old 05-13-2008, 08:19 AM   #16
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

My dh and are wanting to put in our adoption paperwork this summer and we have been saying that we in no way want an open adoption. Now that I have read the posts here I am rethinking that. PLease don't think we are mean people for wanting a closed adoption. We just had some fears and concerns about it and wanted to play it safe. One big one is that if the birth mother (parents, family) are around much then the child won't feel like ours it will feel like its on loan. Also we don't want the child as a teenager becoming angry with us and saying things like "my real mother cares more about me that you" and wanting to go live with her. My dh and I both felt adoption was going to be a way we would add to our family and when we got married and talked about it it felt very right for us to do. We don't want to do international because of all the issues with countries closing their adoptions down (we really wanted cambodia). However we are totally open to any race/ethnicity (we are caucasion). We have 1 lo who will be a year next month and he is bio. I get very very sick when I am pregnant and I have a blood clotting thing that made me lose 2 babies (early on) and we want a large family. We are so worried that we will say something to offend the birthfamily and they will call it off. Or worse we won't get picked. I am young (21 1/2) and dh is 28 this fall. But (not to sound pridful) I am a good mother. I know everyone always says I am young but I am mature and a good mother. I just don't want my age to make up someones mind about weather I would be a good person to raise their baby. What do you look for in an adoptive couple? We don't make a ton of money (about 42 a year) right now but dh has a great job and in the next year and a half 2 years he will be moving up and making more. I am just nervous that the birthmom will look us over and say nope I can find better. What should we say/not say on our page that the birthmother see's? Sorry for the novel here but I would love any input at all. I understand this is a big sacrifice for the birthparents. I just want to show them (without scaring them off) that we are a loving caring home and would take very good care of the baby they are about to give up. Please give me some input. I have never been abe to ask questions to a birth mother and I am really appreciative of this chance too. Thanks.

ETA: If you as a birthmother are not caucasion or the birthfather isn't would you be ok with a caucasion couple adopting your baby? My hubby and I would love to have any ethnicity and think mixed families are beautiful. I am just concerned that the birthparents wouldn't go for it.
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Old 05-13-2008, 08:33 PM   #17
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

It really breaks my heart when I hear adoptive families are scared of openness. Openness is healing for birthmothers. But, its more important for the children. Yes, there are many times in my heart that I regret my decision to place my bdaughter. However, I never have and never would allow my own emotions interfer with keeping her emotionally safe. And, that has always meant affirming that her parents ARE her parents. Its also meant that except for that one outright lie her mother told her, I have never contradicted her parents, even when I know her mother is manipulating and lying.

And, I don't know ANY birthparents who behave differently than I do. You cannot go through this experience and NOT put the needs of your child first. All its ever been about is what is best for HER and that didn't end when the adoption paperwork was signed.

My bdaughter's father actually offered to help me get the adoption overturned this year. I wouldn't do it. And, when he admitted he hadn't even spoken to HER about it, he realized it was a bad idea spoken out of concern about what her mother was doing. But, it was the WRONG solution to the problem just the same.

What really bugs me though is the concept of open adoptions which are supposedly 'legal' in several states. But, the most you can do if parents close the adoption is to request mediation. The reality is that once an adoption is finalized, birthparents have NO power. Everything we know and see about the children gave birth to is at the mercy of the adoptive parents. Its strange to me that the people with all the power in the relationship continue to fear birthparents.

Birthparents are not a danger nor a threat to children. Except in the case of unstable birthparents, most birthparents want nothing more than to know their bchildren are healthy and happy. And, they want those children to remain healthy and happy, which means they reinforce the role of the child's parents. Open adoption is NOT co-parenting. But, it is about helping a child know where they came from and knowing that they have roots of love from 2 sets of parents to secure them as they learn to fly.

As an adoptive mother, I have attempted to open ALL of my sons' adoptions. Thus far, we've successfully opened the adoption with our oldest's family, though its very difficult to get communication to W. Africa. We sent searchers to India to find our 3rd son's birthfather and they reached a deadend. We continue to try just the same. And, we've expressed VERY clearly to DCFS that we would prefer to open the adoption of our youngest son. We have even discussed that when this child approaches death, if it is his wish to see his birthmother, we will need to make sure we find her before he dies, and we have every intention of offering to fly her to his funeral when the day comes...and it will come.

These families are not a threat to our family. But, they can provide a great deal of comfort and love to my children. I deeply wish I could find my Indian son's birthfather. I know this man loved him dearly and broke his own heart to make the right decision for my son. I think finding him would provide a great deal of comfort and knowledge that he truly has always been loved for my son who struggles SO hard with abandonment issues and believing that he is truly loved.

I believe with all my heart that whether domestic or international unless birthparents are a physical threat to a child, openness in adoption is the very BEST thing for the children involved. And, learning to honor all who love these children is the best choice for the children. I teach my children they don't have to divide their loyalties. Its totally okay for my sons to continue to love and dream about their birthfamilies. Its okay for them to pine for them, to identify them as still their family and to long for them. And, when we have succeeded in finding them, the joy it has given that son as well worth all the effort to track them down. And, hearing his birth uncle inform my son that we are his family now and he was to bring honor to himself and to be an obedient son not only freed my son to fully love us, but assured him that his first family continues to love him as well. I only wish I could provide as much for my other sons as well
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Old 05-13-2008, 10:19 PM   #18
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

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It really breaks my heart when I hear adoptive families are scared of openness. Openness is healing for birthmothers. But, its more important for the children. Yes, there are many times in my heart that I regret my decision to place my bdaughter. However, I never have and never would allow my own emotions interfer with keeping her emotionally safe. And, that has always meant affirming that her parents ARE her parents. Its also meant that except for that one outright lie her mother told her, I have never contradicted her parents, even when I know her mother is manipulating and lying.

And, I don't know ANY birthparents who behave differently than I do. You cannot go through this experience and NOT put the needs of your child first. All its ever been about is what is best for HER and that didn't end when the adoption paperwork was signed.

My bdaughter's father actually offered to help me get the adoption overturned this year. I wouldn't do it. And, when he admitted he hadn't even spoken to HER about it, he realized it was a bad idea spoken out of concern about what her mother was doing. But, it was the WRONG solution to the problem just the same.

What really bugs me though is the concept of open adoptions which are supposedly 'legal' in several states. But, the most you can do if parents close the adoption is to request mediation. The reality is that once an adoption is finalized, birthparents have NO power. Everything we know and see about the children gave birth to is at the mercy of the adoptive parents. Its strange to me that the people with all the power in the relationship continue to fear birthparents.

Birthparents are not a danger nor a threat to children. Except in the case of unstable birthparents, most birthparents want nothing more than to know their bchildren are healthy and happy. And, they want those children to remain healthy and happy, which means they reinforce the role of the child's parents. Open adoption is NOT co-parenting. But, it is about helping a child know where they came from and knowing that they have roots of love from 2 sets of parents to secure them as they learn to fly.

As an adoptive mother, I have attempted to open ALL of my sons' adoptions. Thus far, we've successfully opened the adoption with our oldest's family, though its very difficult to get communication to W. Africa. We sent searchers to India to find our 3rd son's birthfather and they reached a deadend. We continue to try just the same. And, we've expressed VERY clearly to DCFS that we would prefer to open the adoption of our youngest son. We have even discussed that when this child approaches death, if it is his wish to see his birthmother, we will need to make sure we find her before he dies, and we have every intention of offering to fly her to his funeral when the day comes...and it will come.

These families are not a threat to our family. But, they can provide a great deal of comfort and love to my children. I deeply wish I could find my Indian son's birthfather. I know this man loved him dearly and broke his own heart to make the right decision for my son. I think finding him would provide a great deal of comfort and knowledge that he truly has always been loved for my son who struggles SO hard with abandonment issues and believing that he is truly loved.

I believe with all my heart that whether domestic or international unless birthparents are a physical threat to a child, openness in adoption is the very BEST thing for the children involved. And, learning to honor all who love these children is the best choice for the children. I teach my children they don't have to divide their loyalties. Its totally okay for my sons to continue to love and dream about their birthfamilies. Its okay for them to pine for them, to identify them as still their family and to long for them. And, when we have succeeded in finding them, the joy it has given that son as well worth all the effort to track them down. And, hearing his birth uncle inform my son that we are his family now and he was to bring honor to himself and to be an obedient son not only freed my son to fully love us, but assured him that his first family continues to love him as well. I only wish I could provide as much for my other sons as well
I just had to comment on your beautiful statement. We are a prospective adoptive family as well, and you have really allayed some concerns of mine, and I thank you for that.
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Old 05-13-2008, 10:41 PM   #19
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

Testifytolove, you certainly do have a unique perspective on adoption being on both sides of the table. Thank you for your honesty.
Our only child so far is adopted and it is very open. I am going to take his BM some cothing this week for her child due any day now that she has chosen to parent. I love this woman, she literally was an instrument in Gods hands giving us the honor of raising him.

For those prospective adoptive parents, say what is on your heart, you are not in competition with the other parents, their are diff babies for each of you. Our specific BM said that they chose us because we were not rich, but had enough, and because we were the most willing to be the most open if that makes sense, at our agency you write out what you are willing to have. For instance are you willing to meet extended family, willing to send pictures, wiling to keep in contact, willing to meet later, things like that, the other families which we had no way of knowing must have been a lot more closed.
But we weren't making that up we honestly felt and still feel like that.
I asked my LO today if he wanted to go see his BM this week and he said yeah, I should say he says that to every question though and he is only 22mo but is was cute anyways. We have told him from the begining that he was adopted, it will never be hidden from him.

Thanks to all the BM that shared, you are very special and loved by many!
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Old 05-13-2008, 11:02 PM   #20
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

I apologize, I should have clarified in my earlier post that although the thought of wanting my b son back had indeed crossed my mind, I wuold never act on it. When i gifted him to his parents I did this with the greatest love for him. I certainly hope that anyone interested in adopting will consider open adoption. If I had not had the option of an open adoption I would still have my b son. the thought of not knowing where and especially how he was terrified me. This put my mind at ease and made me so much more secure in my decision. Any perspective parents out there reading this, my prayers are with you for this journey. What a blessing you are.
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