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Old 05-14-2008, 02:05 PM   #21
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

I just want to say all you mamas are amazing. Hearing your stories, and your feelings is really a godsend. you are all awesome.

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Old 05-14-2008, 02:32 PM   #22
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

would love any biomoms' input on these threads about open adoption:

http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/...d.php?t=421961

http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/...97#post3575297
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Old 05-15-2008, 03:18 PM   #23
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

All of your stories are so touching! I'm not a BM, but my mom is and my brother is a birthfather of sorts. My brother's story is that he was told he was most likely the father of a little girl. Her mom did not want to raise her, but my brother did. We were all there when she was born and my brother took her home from the hospital. They did paternity testing and it turned out that my brother was not her bio-father. So after 3 weeks they placed her in foster care and she was eventually adopted by a wonderful family. Her birthmom is a friend of mine from high school and has a very open adoption so I still get updates on how she's doing. I almost got to meet her again on my birthday last year, but it didn't work out. She'll be 5 in July and we still miss her terribly. So while I haven't actually been a birth parent, I have seen it first hand and can appreciate it.
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Old 05-20-2008, 01:17 PM   #24
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

i was 16(now 30)when i got preg and i had my son for 6 weeks and felt that the best thing for his was adoption,it was the hardest thing i ever did. i look back and wonder if i did the right thing. it was open but i have not seen him since he was 3 that was 10 years ago. i mailed him a card for his b-day april 1st. but dont thnk he got it... i now have a 8.5 year old son and when i found out i ws preg with him i felt guilty for the longest time. but i loved my ds the moment i saw him... i think if i didnt have 6 weeks with alex it would not have hurt this bad. i have his hospital pic on the wall next to my sons and he knows that it is his big brother, and he always cries saying he wants to see him.......
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Old 05-25-2008, 07:26 PM   #25
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

I am also a birthmother to a 10 year old beautiful little girl. I guess I have a little different perspective of open adoption. I have no regrets or bad feelings nor have I ever felt any loss or grieving for her. When I found out I was pregnant at 18, I told my mom that I was pregnant for a reason, but I didnt know what it was at the moment. I was told at 16 that it wasnt very likely I would ever have children due to severe endometriosis, so I knew that it was for a reason. I think the biggest reason was to teach me about unselfish love and unconditional love. It wasnt until I was 6 months along that I decided to make the call to an agency. I had fully planned on keeping her. When I made that call, my weight had been lifted. I knew I was doing the right thing. I got three profiles the next morning by mail. I read the first two and they just didnt jump out at me. I read the last one and pretty much knew that they were the ones. I let my family and friends read it as well and they all agreed that they were perfect. I had fully planned on pictures and letters only and was completely fine with that arrangement. I met them and they offered more. They wanted her to grow up knowing me and my family so that there would never be any questions as to why I did this for her. I knew at that moment that I was pregnant so that they could have a little girl. They had a bio son that was 3 and they wanted another child but couldnt have anymore. My daughter was at my wedding and I spent my first ever mothers day with her too. It was awesome!! I havent seen her since Addison was just a baby but that is because we moved out of state and they are a very busy family. We still talk on the phone and email all the time. When I go back home to Texas, I will go and see them. Our adoption is entirely open...meaning when I go to see her I stay at their house and always have. We have complete trust and have even left her in my care. I love our relationship and I always hope that all open adoptions could be that open, but I know that it isnt possible. I truly admire all the other birthmothers on here as well as the adoptive mothers. It takes a special woman to be a mother, be it a birthmother or an adoptive mother!!!
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Old 05-26-2008, 08:41 PM   #26
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

I am a birth mom also. i love this forum!
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Old 05-27-2008, 08:19 AM   #27
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

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Originally Posted by TestifyToLove View Post
It really breaks my heart when I hear adoptive families are scared of openness. Openness is healing for birthmothers. But, its more important for the children. Yes, there are many times in my heart that I regret my decision to place my bdaughter. However, I never have and never would allow my own emotions interfer with keeping her emotionally safe. And, that has always meant affirming that her parents ARE her parents. Its also meant that except for that one outright lie her mother told her, I have never contradicted her parents, even when I know her mother is manipulating and lying.

And, I don't know ANY birthparents who behave differently than I do. You cannot go through this experience and NOT put the needs of your child first. All its ever been about is what is best for HER and that didn't end when the adoption paperwork was signed.

My bdaughter's father actually offered to help me get the adoption overturned this year. I wouldn't do it. And, when he admitted he hadn't even spoken to HER about it, he realized it was a bad idea spoken out of concern about what her mother was doing. But, it was the WRONG solution to the problem just the same.

What really bugs me though is the concept of open adoptions which are supposedly 'legal' in several states. But, the most you can do if parents close the adoption is to request mediation. The reality is that once an adoption is finalized, birthparents have NO power. Everything we know and see about the children gave birth to is at the mercy of the adoptive parents. Its strange to me that the people with all the power in the relationship continue to fear birthparents.

Birthparents are not a danger nor a threat to children. Except in the case of unstable birthparents, most birthparents want nothing more than to know their bchildren are healthy and happy. And, they want those children to remain healthy and happy, which means they reinforce the role of the child's parents. Open adoption is NOT co-parenting. But, it is about helping a child know where they came from and knowing that they have roots of love from 2 sets of parents to secure them as they learn to fly.

As an adoptive mother, I have attempted to open ALL of my sons' adoptions. Thus far, we've successfully opened the adoption with our oldest's family, though its very difficult to get communication to W. Africa. We sent searchers to India to find our 3rd son's birthfather and they reached a deadend. We continue to try just the same. And, we've expressed VERY clearly to DCFS that we would prefer to open the adoption of our youngest son. We have even discussed that when this child approaches death, if it is his wish to see his birthmother, we will need to make sure we find her before he dies, and we have every intention of offering to fly her to his funeral when the day comes...and it will come.

These families are not a threat to our family. But, they can provide a great deal of comfort and love to my children. I deeply wish I could find my Indian son's birthfather. I know this man loved him dearly and broke his own heart to make the right decision for my son. I think finding him would provide a great deal of comfort and knowledge that he truly has always been loved for my son who struggles SO hard with abandonment issues and believing that he is truly loved.

I believe with all my heart that whether domestic or international unless birthparents are a physical threat to a child, openness in adoption is the very BEST thing for the children involved. And, learning to honor all who love these children is the best choice for the children. I teach my children they don't have to divide their loyalties. Its totally okay for my sons to continue to love and dream about their birthfamilies. Its okay for them to pine for them, to identify them as still their family and to long for them. And, when we have succeeded in finding them, the joy it has given that son as well worth all the effort to track them down. And, hearing his birth uncle inform my son that we are his family now and he was to bring honor to himself and to be an obedient son not only freed my son to fully love us, but assured him that his first family continues to love him as well. I only wish I could provide as much for my other sons as well
I'm not a birthmother or an adoptive mother (but I do have 2 sons of my own -- I hope this sentence made sense!), we hope to adopt in the future...but I just wanted to say that you've put tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. I was also concerned about open adoptions and always imagined a closed adoption (out of fear)...but you've really opened my eyes. I hope to be a wonderful adoptive mother in the future.
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Old 05-29-2008, 07:27 PM   #28
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

For those of you who have chosen open adoption:

Has it ever caused the child confusion?
Has there been any trouble with the child bonding?
If you have other children, have they ever felt "left out"?
Is there every any jealousy on either side?

These are just some questions I have about open adoption.....

Being an adoptee, I don't think I could have an open adoption. I wonder if other adoptee's feel the same?

Whether you choose open or not, I still think it is amazing that each of you has chosen to adopt!
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Old 05-29-2008, 07:30 PM   #29
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

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Originally Posted by shanmarie View Post
I am also a birthmother to a 10 year old beautiful little girl. I guess I have a little different perspective of open adoption. I have no regrets or bad feelings nor have I ever felt any loss or grieving for her. When I found out I was pregnant at 18, I told my mom that I was pregnant for a reason, but I didnt know what it was at the moment. I was told at 16 that it wasnt very likely I would ever have children due to severe endometriosis, so I knew that it was for a reason. I think the biggest reason was to teach me about unselfish love and unconditional love. It wasnt until I was 6 months along that I decided to make the call to an agency. I had fully planned on keeping her. When I made that call, my weight had been lifted. I knew I was doing the right thing. I got three profiles the next morning by mail. I read the first two and they just didnt jump out at me. I read the last one and pretty much knew that they were the ones. I let my family and friends read it as well and they all agreed that they were perfect. I had fully planned on pictures and letters only and was completely fine with that arrangement. I met them and they offered more. They wanted her to grow up knowing me and my family so that there would never be any questions as to why I did this for her. I knew at that moment that I was pregnant so that they could have a little girl. They had a bio son that was 3 and they wanted another child but couldnt have anymore. My daughter was at my wedding and I spent my first ever mothers day with her too. It was awesome!! I havent seen her since Addison was just a baby but that is because we moved out of state and they are a very busy family. We still talk on the phone and email all the time. When I go back home to Texas, I will go and see them. Our adoption is entirely open...meaning when I go to see her I stay at their house and always have. We have complete trust and have even left her in my care. I love our relationship and I always hope that all open adoptions could be that open, but I know that it isnt possible. I truly admire all the other birthmothers on here as well as the adoptive mothers. It takes a special woman to be a mother, be it a birthmother or an adoptive mother!!!

that is so cool that you have that relationship. i wish the adoptive parents were that way in my case.
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Old 05-30-2008, 03:12 PM   #30
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Re: Birthmom Chit Chat

Quote:
Originally Posted by momto2boys07 View Post
For those of you who have chosen open adoption:

Has it ever caused the child confusion?
Has there been any trouble with the child bonding?
If you have other children, have they ever felt "left out"?
Is there every any jealousy on either side?

These are just some questions I have about open adoption.....

Being an adoptee, I don't think I could have an open adoption. I wonder if other adoptee's feel the same?

Whether you choose open or not, I still think it is amazing that each of you has chosen to adopt!
I can only speak for myself and our situation.

My first daughter hasnt had any confusion. Her parent always answered her questions age appropriately, even when she was three. There was a lot of personal contact when she was younger so there really wasnt confusion. You could tell that she knew that there was a special bond there, but just couldnt put her finger on it. There has never been any bonding issues at all. When she was younger I would see her about 2-3 times a year so it really never was an issue with us. She knew I was someone special in her life up until she put all the pieces together and realized I was her tummy mommy and she was fine with it! I have two now and one on the way and I dont think that they feel left out. Addison is old enough to know that she has a sister that has other parents. She is only three so I dont think she quite understands it fully, but whenever she sees a picture of her sister, she says so. We have never had any jealousy on either side. We have had a wonderful open adoption and truly are an extended family. If I could go back and do things differently, I would not change a thing!! I love them and they love her. They have given her a life that I could not and for that I am eternally grateful. At the same time, they helped me to learn about unselfish love. I truly believe it is one of the best gifts in life, LOVE!!
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