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Old 05-07-2008, 07:43 AM   #1
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questions for an adoptee...

Any adoptee can share their experiences here.. but this conversation orginated with SubliminalDarkness.

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Do you think your social anxieties have anything to do with being adopted or being an only child? Just curious...
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No, not at all. Maybe a teeny bit because of being an only child and being alone most of the time.... But I also have OCD, and I tend to deal with my fair share of PPD, so there's some "mental illness" in the mix already. I'm sure the generalized anxiety is just another manifestation of the same thing.

Additionally, my father(my adopted one, my only one) also has anxiety problems. And my mother(same as my dad) has OCD. So more of a nature thing than a nurture thing? Hard to say, being that the problems are far from uncommon anyway.

To be honest, the fact that I'm adopted is a really minor point in my own identity. I was adopted as an infant. Period, end of story. My family is my family. I really don't give it any thought.

Oh! And people always said I look my dad Everyone always got a kick out of it.

Thanks for sharing! I know it was kind of a personal question, so thanks for being so transparent. My dh is an only child and we def. want to have more than one child because my dh didn't like being an "only"... he feels a lot of pressure/responsibility to take care of his parents... they still do fine for themselves, but there will come a day as they age, that there may be issues we'll have to deal with.


More questions:
Did you ever feel the need to search for your birthfamily?
Did your adoptive parents tell you much about your birthfamily?
Did you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you stayed with your birthfamily?

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Old 05-07-2008, 11:11 AM   #2
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

Not that this has anything to do with adoption, but I feel much the same as your husband. I don't like being an only child at all and really see absolutely nothing positive about it. My mother couldn't get pregnant/give birth, so adoption was their only option. It would have been possible for them to have adopted more than just me, but for various reasons she waited too long to do it. And so there's only me!

Did you ever feel the need to search for your birthfamily?
No. But my DH wants me to, just for medical history reasons. And not even so much for me, but for our boys, so that they know what they need to be wary of. I have no desire to meet my birth parents, or get any information from them, or ever have anything to do with them.

Did your adoptive parents tell you much about your birthfamily?
They didn't. Not much. They told me my birth mother's name, and that she was "young." And that she was doing what was "best" for me. I never really cared. I'd known I was adopted for forever. My parents never made it a secret.
But as a teenager I did rifle through my mom's filing cabinets and found information from the agency. My birth parents were college students. They had an "oops" and I was conceived. They were engaged. My birth mother attempted to get an abortion, but couldn't for some reason, not sure. Financial maybe? So she stuck it out, gave birth to me, and put me up for adoption. A few months later, she and my birth father married, and they now have kids together.
I think the whole situation is pretty awful, and so I don't have any desire to know anything more, know them, ever even give them the reassurance that I'm alive and well. But, I also don't feel any sort of void, like some adoptees describe. I feel very complete with my family. They're not perfect, but what family is?

Did you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you stayed with your birthfamily?
Yes. I did in the past. As a preteen I did the awful, "I wish I'd never been adopted!" thing. Once. I didn't mean it at all. It was something I'd seen in a movie or read in a book... I don't know. I think most adopted kids do it at least once, but I don't think most really mean it. It's just an angsty thing.
The main reason I think ever pondered this possibility is because other people would ask the question, y'know? And so then it makes you wonder. But at the same time, if my mom said I couldn't do something, and I knew my dad would allow it, I would wonder how much "better" my life would be if my parents divorced. Again, dumb thing to ponder. My parents are still married however many years later and their marriage is fine. It's just ridiculous thoughts kids have at times.
FWIW, I'm quite certain my life would have been a lot less.... predictable, stable, supportive, provided for, and maybe even less happy had I never been adopted. It means a lot to me that, at least, I was WANTED by my adoptive parents. My birth parents, quite clearly, didn't want me. But that's MY specific situation. Not indicative of all adoptive situations.

Hope that helps. I'm an open book
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Old 05-07-2008, 04:19 PM   #3
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

This might seem like a strange question, but what year (or decade) were you born? Just trying to get a "feel" for what may have motivated your egg and sperm donor to give you to your real parents. If I am over the line, you can tell me. I just have this thing for analyzing what motivates people.
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Old 05-07-2008, 06:14 PM   #4
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

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This might seem like a strange question, but what year (or decade) were you born? Just trying to get a "feel" for what may have motivated your egg and sperm donor to give you to your real parents. If I am over the line, you can tell me. I just have this thing for analyzing what motivates people.
1983. My birth parents, and my adoptive parents, are/were LDS(Mormon). I was adopted through the LDS social services adoption agency. I say "are/were" because my adoptive parents are LDS, and my birth parents were at the time I was conceived/born, I'm just not sure what their status is anymore. I strongly suspect their motivations were religious and/or familial pressure.
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Old 05-07-2008, 07:50 PM   #5
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

Any other adoptees that would like to share their background and how adoption has/hasn't shaped your identity? This is all very interesting!
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Old 05-09-2008, 10:35 AM   #6
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

I am not adopted, but my one brother is. I can tell you that my brother has never wanted to find his biological parents, he has told me so.
He always did say though, that he could not wait to have kids so someone could look like him.
Although when we were younger, people would ask my mom where she adopted me from since he looked more like her than I did. My brother is Vietnamese/American and my family is Italian. Both my mom and brother have the olivey skin, dark hair, dark eyes, while I have blonde hair, blue eyes and fair skin.
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Old 05-09-2008, 11:59 AM   #7
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

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Originally Posted by mckinley View Post
I am not adopted, but my one brother is. I can tell you that my brother has never wanted to find his biological parents, he has told me so.
He always did say though, that he could not wait to have kids so someone could look like him.
Although when we were younger, people would ask my mom where she adopted me from since he looked more like her than I did. My brother is Vietnamese/American and my family is Italian. Both my mom and brother have the olivey skin, dark hair, dark eyes, while I have blonde hair, blue eyes and fair skin.
Isn't that interesting how sometimes bio children look "adopted" and adopted children sometimes look like bio kids?!? I think God has a sense of humor!

I was hoping/expecting our LO to have brown eyes... since her birthmom has brown eyes and she and I look like we could be "sisters".... all of my family has brown eyes also.. so I thought that would be a cool trait for her to have.... but nope, she got her birthdad's beautiful blue eyes.... which are the same shade as dh's! It will be fun to see how she changes to see who she looks like... and what personality traits she picks up.
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Old 05-09-2008, 04:35 PM   #8
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

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Originally Posted by cravnp99 View Post
Isn't that interesting how sometimes bio children look "adopted" and adopted children sometimes look like bio kids?!? I think God has a sense of humor!

I was hoping/expecting our LO to have brown eyes... since her birthmom has brown eyes and she and I look like we could be "sisters".... all of my family has brown eyes also.. so I thought that would be a cool trait for her to have.... but nope, she got her birthdad's beautiful blue eyes.... which are the same shade as dh's! It will be fun to see how she changes to see who she looks like... and what personality traits she picks up.

It is actually really funny because my biological brother and I look alike, but my adopted brother and I share a lot of the same traits. I think the funniest one being that we both have excema, and my bio brother does not. When we were little, my adopted brother and I both had to get braces, while my bio brother did not.

(I don't actually call them my bio brother or my adopted brother, it was just easier to explain things that way)
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Old 05-09-2008, 07:17 PM   #9
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

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(I don't actually call them my bio brother or my adopted brother, it was just easier to explain things that way)
I understand! I don't go around calling our LO, "our adopted daughter" either.... she's just our little girl!
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Old 05-12-2008, 04:06 PM   #10
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

I'm an adoptee. i was adopted at birth, fwiw.
and please take my results lightly. I love my parents and am very blessed to have them. *they* are my parents, not the people who conceived me.
I also prefer the term bio rather than birth.

Did you ever feel the need to search for your birthfamily? Yes. When I hit my teen years I started wondering about my bioparents, and my emotions have become even more powerful since having Viktor. I am slowly starting the process to contact my biomom, and eventually I plan on contacting my biofather as well.
Did your adoptive parents tell you much about your birthfamily? They've told me what they know, which isn't much.
Did you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you stayed with your birthfamily? Yes. This is mainly because my parents adopted transracially, so I find myself wondering what it would have been like to grow up in my culture of heritage.

all of that said, I'm very glad my parents did a closed adoption (I'm not sure if they had open adoptions when I was born?). I'm generally against open adoption, especially that which involves contact.
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