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Old 05-12-2008, 05:21 PM   #11
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

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Originally Posted by worldwarcaitlin View Post
I'm generally against open adoption, especially that which involves contact.
Same here

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Old 05-12-2008, 05:58 PM   #12
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

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I'm an adoptee. i was adopted at birth, fwiw.
and please take my results lightly. I love my parents and am very blessed to have them. *they* are my parents, not the people who conceived me.
I also prefer the term bio rather than birth.

all of that said, I'm very glad my parents did a closed adoption (I'm not sure if they had open adoptions when I was born?). I'm generally against open adoption, especially that which involves contact.
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Originally Posted by SubliminalDarkness View Post
Same here
Interesting... I've never liked the term "birthfamily", but that seems to be the PC popular term.... and I have never come across another word that seemed to fit... I guess biofamily would work, if that's what is comfortable for you.

Why are you both against open adoption?
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Old 05-13-2008, 02:51 PM   #13
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

A friend of mine recently looked into contacting her biomom and actually did meet her. The biomom came to meet her and her DH and then a few months later, my friend and her DH went and met biomom and her family.

It was emotionally trying for everyone involved. The half-siblings were openly jealous of sharing their mom (they are adults) and the biomom and my friend were walking on eggshells the entire time they were there.

The original reason my friend wanted to meet her was for medical history, since she was having such a hard time conceiving. Now she almost feels obligated to keep up contact.
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Old 05-14-2008, 08:03 AM   #14
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

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Originally Posted by cravnp99 View Post
Interesting... I've never liked the term "birthfamily", but that seems to be the PC popular term.... and I have never come across another word that seemed to fit... I guess biofamily would work, if that's what is comfortable for you.

Why are you both against open adoption?

Because I feel that when an adoption happens, the child becomes a part of the adoptive family, 100%. I believe all ties and bonds to the biological family are severed. I don't believe that the priority in an adoption should be on the biological parents, but rather on the new, created family.

From my position, I don't see how anything positive could have come from including someone in my life who wasn't fully a part of my life.
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Old 05-14-2008, 10:24 AM   #15
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

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Because I feel that when an adoption happens, the child becomes a part of the adoptive family, 100%. I believe all ties and bonds to the biological family are severed. I don't believe that the priority in an adoption should be on the biological parents, but rather on the new, created family.

From my position, I don't see how anything positive could have come from including someone in my life who wasn't fully a part of my life.
I completely agree. From what I've seen, open adoption typically creates more hardship and/or pain for everyone involved.

I'm sure this is an unpopular opinion, but I think open adoption was created to help boost the adoption industry and attract more "birthmothers".
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Old 05-25-2008, 10:06 PM   #16
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

Not sure I agree. For the child, the mystery of a bm or bf is a big deal. If you can end that fantasy earlier on, they can be more well rounded in their thoughts of who they are. I do agree with the concept of the new family, the adoptive family being the priority. You do have to do what's best for your family first and foremost. But caring for a bm in the process is about relationships and getting outside of yourself and your small circle.

If at some point, Z has a problem with contact btwn him and his bm, I say we take a break. I let her know. But, ultimately he has control. I'm not forcing anything, just giving him the option.
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Old 05-25-2008, 10:10 PM   #17
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

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Not sure I agree. For the child, the mystery of a bm or bf is a big deal. If you can end that fantasy earlier on, they can be more well rounded in their thoughts of who they are. I do agree with the concept of the new family, the adoptive family being the priority. You do have to do what's best for your family first and foremost. But caring for a bm in the process is about relationships and getting outside of yourself and your small circle.

If at some point, Z has a problem with contact btwn him and his bm, I say we take a break. I let her know. But, ultimately he has control. I'm not forcing anything, just giving him the option.
I think this would all totally depend on the situation. In my situation, and most, I disagree. But I can see certain scenarios where that may be true.
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Old 05-26-2008, 09:14 PM   #18
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

Yes, I feel an intense need to search for my birthmother. She said she didn't know who my birthfather was, so it would be hard to find him.

I know that there are things my parents know about my birth family that they haven't told me. Like the fact that they knew my birth name but always told me I was Baby X until I happend to find the paper with my birth name on it. I think my mom is worried I would do something bad if I was able to track down my birth family because I tend to be irrational about the whole thing.

I do wonder what my life would have been like but I know that it would have been bad. My birthmom was poor, 32 and still not ready for a kid and very sad. My birthgrandmother told my fostermom that her daughter was just a really sad person. I know that I have it soooo much better now.
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Old 05-28-2008, 06:03 PM   #19
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

Another adoptee here (and I'm also an adoptive parent).

Did you ever feel the need to search for your birthfamily?
I have met my birthmom. She came to my wedding. My parents had an open adoption (very rare in the 80s) and although I never met her I had always known about her and I also knew my parents spoke to her often. (edit to clarify- Until I had met her I always knew my parents spoke to her regularly. Since meeting her we have sent Christams cards and she sent us a gift when we adopted our son, but it's not a major relationship.)

Did your adoptive parents tell you much about your birthfamily?
Yep. They told me everything they knew.

Did you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you stayed with your birthfamily?
I did a lot as a child. From a very young age I started wondering what my name would have been, would I have been a different person, etc. I used to also have a fantasy that my birth parents were famous. As I get older I realize that everything in my life has happened so I could be where I am today and I don't wonder "what if..." anymore.

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Old 05-28-2008, 10:42 PM   #20
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Re: questions for an adoptee...

This is an interesting thread.....


A mother is not a woman who gives birth to a child, but a woman who raises the child. It is not a title, it is an action. That being said, I was still a bit shocked to read "egg and sperm donor" and some other terms used. I know we all have different experiences and feelings regarding adoption.
Here is my story:
My bio mom got pregnant with me at 15 and had an incredibly unstable home life. One of her younger sister's was placed because of abuse. For this reason, I was in the "system" from the time I was born. I was in several foster homes before my brother came along, 2 years later. My mom had substance and mental issues so she would leave us here and there. Because of the emotional and physical neglect, we were removed permantly when I was four and my brother was two years of age. A year later, my "foster parents" adopted us. My bio parents or my history were never spoken of. When I was 18 I looked up my mom in the phone book. She still lived in the same town I was adopted from. Because I was adopted at 5, I remembered her name. I met her, my bio dad ( who didnt know of my existence) and the rest of the family. It was incredibly hard to deal with. Because of this, I didnt speak to my bio mom until 6 years later, when I was pregnant with my first son. I guess I started to sympathize with her situation and understand that giving a child up, whether at birth or later, is not an easy choice. It was important for me to forgive and accept her. We have seen each other a few times over the years and talk often on the phone. It is a weird relationship....more like friends. But, it did fill that "hole" that I always felt growing up. I guess I felt that because I remembered where I came from rather than being in my family from birth. I did wonder alot what my life would have been like had I not been adopted. Growing up, I saw it like a fairy tale. But, when I became an adult I realized the hell I had escaped.

I also am looking to adopt my next child and am against open adoptions. (for me) I think I would have a hard time dealing with their bio family being around. When I adopt a child they will be my child completely and treated as my other two are. I also feel it would cause issues with my other two children to see their sibling with "bio" parents and "adoptive" parents. To me, its important the child feels they completely belong.

ETA: I think that if you are open about where the child "comes from" then you de-mystify it would needing to resort to open adoption. I think its wrong to completely hide it because eventually it will come out and feel like a betrayal. I think a balance can be found between speaking about it and making the child understand and feel that they are completely apart of the family.


Im glad the previous posters shared their stories!
Thanks for reading through mine.... I know it's a novel!
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Last edited by momto2boys07; 05-28-2008 at 10:51 PM. Reason: adding stuff I forgot;)
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