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Old 09-16-2006, 08:22 PM   #11
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Re: How do I know if I can handle another child?...

Well, do you feel like your first two lost out because you had a third?

I think it is totally normal to feel how you are feeling. Heck, I felt that way going from one to two.

Personally, I think you've answered the question for yourself.

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Old 09-17-2006, 02:15 AM   #12
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Re: How do I know if I can handle another child?...

Mama, I did read all the posts and I think you would do great with a 4th!! I think if you don't you will miss that 4th child. YOu said it yourself!

I have #8 on the way!! My other kids are sooo excited. I think this baby is our last....very hard to say...and the kids are all saying no mom, we need 4 more...after this one! They want 12. Well......uh...lol...mom has to have 'em!!

Anyway....some think I am WAY CRAZY!! I let them think whatever they want. Don't let anyone, besides your hubby, make this decision for you( and you and him need to make it together). Your friends, neighbors, other family, cannot make heart decisions for you.

I also think the more, the easier!! Some people cannot handle a lot at once, but I find it easier....yep, told ya people think I am way crazy!! I love kids, have always wanted a housefull, and have been blessed beyond what I ever thought!!

Big hugs and I hope you can make this decision!!
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Old 09-17-2006, 05:38 AM   #13
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Re: How do I know if I can handle another child?...

I'm having the same debate, on and off, about going from 1 to 2. It's less about money than it is about time - I love my relationship with Isabel and don't want to do anything to change that

I don't think about it in terms of who I'm not seeing at the dinner table, I think about it in terms of what will Isabel (and Isabel and I as a team) have to give up if there's another baby. When I'm all huge and worn out at the end of the pregnancy, will I gyp her out of park days and play dates so I can sit and rest? When the new baby comes and Isabel wants to run around ike a crazy person talking and singing at the top of her lungs, but I just want to rest while the baby's sleeping, am I going to curb her natural energy and enthusiasm too much? What if she just wants mama but the new baby is having a hard day and I have to chose who gets my attention?

Sometimes I think it'd all be okay and we'd make it work, but other times I just don't want Isabel to give up a single thing just because we wanted another baby. We already feel so incredibly fortunate to have her, and neither Dh nor I would be the least bit disappointed if she was our only
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Old 09-17-2006, 07:08 AM   #14
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Re: How do I know if I can handle another child?...

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Originally Posted by vick

Sometimes I think it'd all be okay and we'd make it work, but other times I just don't want Isabel to give up a single thing just because we wanted another baby. We already feel so incredibly fortunate to have her, and neither Dh nor I would be the least bit disappointed if she was our only
Wow Vick... I felt the same way for many years before we had Amira and even for the first few months she was home. I have to say though, while I know what you mean about it feeling selfish and taking from your dc, you have to take into account the sibling relationship. This was a surprise for me... the girls love eachother. They are great friends, and that is something that I didnt count on but love to see. Yes, it was tough for Celeste to have a new baby in the house and for her to loose some of her attention to that baby. BUT now they have an incredible relationship that I wouldnt trade for the world. I suggest that you not only think about what Isabel would be giving up, but also think about what she would be gaining! And, what you would be giving her. Having a sibling is a wonderful gift
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Old 09-17-2006, 07:23 AM   #15
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Re: How do I know if I can handle another child?...

Lisa,
It is such a hard decision I know. I can give you the perspective of being one of four children. It was wonderful! I think my Mom could have handled ten if she had been blessed with health. She was wonderful at making time for each of us, and we also each had each other, which later in life has ment so much to me. I'm closest to my sister, but talk with both of my brother and their wives frequently too. We share the same life experience which although we are each very different has been a grounding influence for me thoughout my adult life. One of my cousins said that she thinks when you have a vision of another little person joining your life and can even picture them that it's your souls way of giving you the strength to keep striving for your dream. (She struggled with IF too). We had a terrible struggle with infertility, for both of our children but particularly the second. My husband wasn't nearly as convinced as I was that our daughter needed a sibling. I had dreams, and really just an overwhelming feeling that I wanted another child, however we could make that happen. We were very close to adopting 2 different children from Russia that fell through. That being said, I also had the experience of raising our daughter as an only for almost 5 years. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I think it was good for her to get so much of our attention, and now since she is a school during the day, William gets the same focus that we once were able to give Emily. She loves being a sister now and is wonderful at sharing us with her little brother.

Each family is so different. I do dream about having another baby, but it's a very vague dream and not as driving as it was to have our second child. I think your heart knows what you want.... reach for your dream! I believe that is our truest compass in life. Had I not followed my heart, I wouldn't have met my soul mate late in life, or been blessed with our two beautiful children. It was quite an up hill battle as you know and yet now that I have them here, I know it was worth every tear and heartache.

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Old 09-17-2006, 12:28 PM   #16
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Re: How do I know if I can handle another child?...

Hey Mama,

I think you would do well to have the next one. We have 2 girls and a boy. Going from 1 to 2 was the absolute hardest. With my third one, he was the missing peice to the puzzle. Things are so well and we are so happy with having our little boy.

When we got married and talked about kids, dh said he wanted 4 kids I said 2, then we said we comprised with wanting three. Then after having them, we are both wanting 4, but in our situation, I am deaf & blind. I have a genetic disorder, that all our kids are carriers for, but do not have, called Usher's Syndrome. I have been deaf since birth and worn hearing aids since I was 3 yrs old. I was mainstreamed through school and and actually just considered to have a moderate hearing loss. Then in my late teens and early 20's, I started losing my peripheral vision and became night blind. I am now legally blind with about 10 degrees of peripheral vision left. I am no longer able to drive, and work is very hard to obtain because of the limitations of driving. We live on the outskirts of Indianapolis, IN, and since we are technically in the next county, plus it's simply just not there, our town doesnt have public transportation. Thus I'm limited to what I can obtain rides to, or can walk to, but limited to daytime walking since I'm night blind.

My kids are 6, 2 1/2, & 1. With my last two pregnancies, though there is no medical evidence of pregnancy causing it, I have lost 15 decibels of hearing in both ears with each pregnancy, the only changes I've since birth, and have lost vision as well. So after having ds, we said we were done, that if we wanted another one, that we'd adopt, especially with the . Dh said that he doesnt want anymore after he is 35, that is his cut off, that he doesnt want to be retired and trying to put kids through college, plus my parents were very young when they had me, so I was gone and out of the house, & done with school when they were 35. Dad has it pretty good, no kids, just the house, my stepmom, and the dogs. So dh says he's getting the big V for his 35th bday. So since we said we were done, I've asked several times why not go ahead and do it, so we don't have the expense of birth control for the next several yrs til he hits 35 (dh is 32 now, I'm 31) But he keeps dodging the bullet and says well what if something happens and they come up with a cure for the ushers in the next few years or something happens to you (God Forbid) and I were to marry someone else. So I could tell he isn't really done.

Then it was so interesting that I came across this thread this morning, as out of the blue last night, Dh says to me, well at times I'd really like to have a 4th one, but I just don't know if I have the energy for it. I told him too that especially with ds, I really wish we could have another one too, but I'd want to wait until ds was at least 2 -2 1/2. I told DH that it was obvious he wasn't done, as he is fighting doing the V so hard. So I think we are probably going to be going for a 4th one ourselves too, though it could mean adverse effects on me and it's going to mean being pretty tight in the house too. But we have found that God provides in all the ways we've ever needed, and that having a larger family has been the biggest blessing ever, even though it has been difficult at times, being on one income and DH having to do ALL the errands and dr's appts, and so forth, since I'm not able to drive.

I think you'd be awesome to have another one and that you'll do fine. Times will be hard occasionally, but that's what friends and family are for, and you'll make it.

Hang in there and Bless you!

Kacie
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Old 09-17-2006, 01:23 PM   #17
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Re: How do I know if I can handle another child?...

it's kinda funny... I feel that way too most times... and I only have 1!! lol

I wanna be pregnant again. I wanna have a new little newborn to buy pretty little diapers for, and clothing and think of names for... But it will be different than when I had miranda. For one.. miranda will be here! I'll have to somehow spend enough time with her, but give a new baby attention too... I feel like I would always feel like I was neglecting one of them.. not spending enough time with one of them.. spending too much time with one of them.. KWIM?

Somedays I am very excited about having a new baby (in a couple years. lol) and somedays I'm wondering if I should really do it.. or maybe wait until miranda is even older. I just don't know. I don't really worry about money (because it would only be 2 children. lol) But i worry about 100 other things as you can see.

I have no advice, all I have is Me telling you I understand your Concerns. I think it doesn't really matter what kid you plan on having (#2 or #10) I think there's the same concerns. Good luck!
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Old 09-17-2006, 02:55 PM   #18
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Re: How do I know if I can handle another child?...

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Originally Posted by sesa70
Wow Vick... I felt the same way for many years before we had Amira and even for the first few months she was home. I have to say though, while I know what you mean about it feeling selfish and taking from your dc, you have to take into account the sibling relationship. This was a surprise for me... the girls love eachother. They are great friends, and that is something that I didnt count on but love to see. Yes, it was tough for Celeste to have a new baby in the house and for her to loose some of her attention to that baby. BUT now they have an incredible relationship that I wouldnt trade for the world. I suggest that you not only think about what Isabel would be giving up, but also think about what she would be gaining! And, what you would be giving her. Having a sibling is a wonderful gift
Theresa, I think having a sibling CAN be a wonderful gift. But my sister and I really aren't super close. Never really have been. Our relationship has ranged from openly hostile to what we have now, which is kind of an open relationship that's frought with tension. When I was PG with the child I gave up for adoption, there was like a one year period where we were close, really close. But then I moved a few hours away to go to college (she was welcome to come with but chose not to) and it's never been that good again. Honestly, I have closer relationships with my friends

So while it's more than likely she'll gain from having a sibling, it's possible that her relationship with that sibing will be as strained as mine has (almost) always been with my sister. This doesn't shape my decision-making, as I know we're more an exception than a rule, and that the most likely scenario is one where Isabel and her sibling have a relationship like Amira and Celeste have It's just an explanation of why it doesn't even occur to me to consider that aspect
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Old 09-17-2006, 07:52 PM   #19
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Re: How do I know if I can handle another child?...

I know it is hard thinking of the sibling relationship. I just knew Noah would be the, "take her back to the hospital" kind; but to my surprise, it has been relatively easy for him to share mommy and daddy. And even one day we were in the van in a drive through and both kiddos were on the verge of sleep and Noah said, "Mommy, I always get what I want." I was thinking he meant the kind of toy in his kids meal, and I responded, no that sometimes you don't get what you want and he said, "No mommy, I always wanted a sister and God knew it and gave me Caitlyn and I love her so much." I started to cry when he said that. Even though he was so little when we lost Emily and we still haven't told him about her, it seems that he has picked up on so much. I never dreamed that he would love Caitlyn as much as he does already. I know that they are going to be so much closer than I am to my brothers and my dh is to his brother. Noah has even asked when we were going to have another baby...I told him he had to talk with Daddy about it .
But, I go back and forth about having another...I want another, but I'm not as passionate as I was for having Caitlyn, not sure if it is because of losing Emily or not. I'm just not sure if I'll always think I should have three because of Emily missing or just because I feel I should have three.
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Old 09-18-2006, 10:27 AM   #20
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Re: How do I know if I can handle another child?...

Quote:
Originally Posted by kcweldy
So I think we are probably going to be going for a 4th one ourselves too, though it could mean adverse effects on me and it's going to mean being pretty tight in the house too. But we have found that that's what friends and family are for, and you'll make it.
Kacie
Kacie, you have been through so much. The power for another is strong. In your situation I can not say I could have another bio child, because of the losses to hearning and vision. It scares me, but you know what you are doing and what is best for you and your family. You are such a strong person and have such a positive spirit! I admire you already!

Thanks for the support.
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