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Old 04-25-2006, 01:08 PM   #1
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Am I a bad wife/horrible person?*update at bottom*

Ok, here is a bit of background: we live in Northern Virgina, dh commutes everyday to downtown DC, which takes about an hour to an hour an a half depending on traffic. Aside from that it is noisy, crowded, expensive and I generally hate it here (no offense to any other Virginians, it's just not my cup o tea!) Anyways, dh works for the Federal Govn't, a really good secure job that he loves at NASA. He doesn't really like the area either, but knows he has a great job. But he occaisionally looks into other opporotunities that would take us out of this area, perhaps closer to home, but has never really had anything solid hold his interest. He applied for a Deputy Director position in his office, and it looks like he might get it (which is good, he would be like the youngest ever to get this job in the history of NASA, and it comes with a nice big raise) however, it sort of cements us here. It is too good a job to leave. A few weeks before he applied for this promotion, he was contacted by a private industry firm with a proposal to relocate to Houston, TX working with NASA as a contractor instead of a direct fed. employee. (it is a very reputable firm, so it would be a good stable job) Houston was a good place for us, bcs we don't currently live around any family, but my dad's wife's grown kids live in Dallas, so we though that they would be inspired to visit more often if they could see her kids and one of his at the same time. Well anyways, my Dad calls on Sunday and tells me they are moving to Dallas! This private sector co. calls dh yesterday to ask dh to fly down for a final interview. This Houston job would give us a chance to be anywhere within 4 hours of family in 6 years. So am I selfish to want dh to chuck this Deputy Director position for a lower paying (than the dd pos. not his current position), probably not as upwardly moblie job in Houston? I feel terrible even hinting to him I want to move after he has acheived so much where he is now. And I don't want to be blamed if he does take the Houston job and we somehow become destitute! Any advice? Sorry this is sooooo looooong, I just have been all twisted up inside about this and dh is no help really bcs he says "I will do whatever YOU want, Honey" Yeah, thanks for leaving it on me!

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Old 04-25-2006, 01:14 PM   #2
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Re: Am I a bad wife/horrible person?

no advise, but if you move to houson you would be close to meee!! i live about 40 minutes from nasa
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Old 04-25-2006, 01:15 PM   #3
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Re: Am I a bad wife/horrible person?

that's a toughie. honestly i think you should just talk it out with your dh like you did here. open lines of communication and all that.

location does matter - i take it you've lived in houston before so that helps - gives you something to actually work with. but i would consider all the intangible quality of life factors. what if anything do you like about your current location - access to dc/friends/etc. - what do you dislike and would it actually be better in houston. would your dh be communting more/less/the same - that might matter to him...was he driving in dc or taking public transport? what about buying a house? weather, blah, blah, blah.

good luck!
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Old 04-25-2006, 01:16 PM   #4
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Re: Am I a bad wife/horrible person?

No, you are not a bad wife for wanting to see your hubby more and to have family nearby. Raising kids is a tough and neverending job, and to have no family in the area makes it even harder. Plus, I imagine that in Houston your dh wouldn't have quite the commute he now has, so he'd be able to spend more time w/ you and your children. My dh works for the govt. too, and has had job offers in DC, but has turned them all down because of the long commute times and the fact that both our extended families are currently within an hour drive of our home, whereas if we moved to the DC area, we'd be alone. I want our kids to grow up knowing their grandparents, aunts and uncles, so I would be very against any job that would take us away from our families.

I don't think you're being selfish, it's in the best interest of your children to see their dad more often, and to be able to spend time w/ their grandparents on a regular basis.
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Old 04-25-2006, 01:22 PM   #5
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Re: Am I a bad wife/horrible person?

Man do I know how you feel! Dh is making awesome money now(and I DO love it here) but I have NO family at all. We are in FL, everyone else is in PA. I have those moments when I just want to screw it all and go back. But then I remember how poor I grew up, and that my kids would grow up that way too. It is a very depressed area. Try to think of what is best for your family. My kids don't have family down here, but will they be addicted to heroin and die at age 18? Much less likely here. Will they be able to get jobs? Much more likely here. I'm sure the area you are talking about is not as bad as all that, but make sure you weigh ALL the options. I get lonely sometimes, but I have alot to be thankful for too!
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Old 04-25-2006, 01:22 PM   #6
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Re: Am I a bad wife/horrible person?

No not at all. Family is important, but remember family starts at home which is where ever you are. Moving might be good for you and kids, but a happy job makes a happy husband. Is there anyway he can talk to someone who was lived/worked there and get advice? If it is important to him to keep his NASA job (sounds like he has really worked hard) maybe you can compromise. Set a goal to move to a new area in Virginia (a new change might do you good), plan to move to TX in 5-10 years (its not that long-look how fast our kids grow). My husband and I moved a year ago and I love it here. He is not so happy. Our situation is flip/flopped. We are 7 hours from our families, but live in a very family friendly town. Good Luck.
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Old 04-25-2006, 01:31 PM   #7
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Re: Am I a bad wife/horrible person?

What about cost of living? I am going to assume is is a lot less in Houston than where you are. That would make a big difference in how much he was making. I know what it is like to not be near family. We are 1000 miles from my family and 2000 miles from dh's family. It never bothered us until Del was born, and it is really hard now! We had had serious discussions about it, but then Dh had the oportunity to open his own business. If it fails, we will be moving back to NY to be near his family.
Don't worry about being destitute. We are living on just my salery right now (which isn't much) until this business gets off the ground and while it is hard, it is possible.


Good luck with whatever you decide!
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Old 04-25-2006, 01:46 PM   #8
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Re: Am I a bad wife/horrible person?

Cost of living is considerably cheaper than it is here, for example, in Houston we could get a house twice as big as ours for about half the price that we are paying. And the guy that he knows from Houston who works at Johnson says he he eats lunch with his dw everyday! I can't even imagine! I am just afraid I am asking too much by really leaning towards him taking the Houston job instead of "toughing it out" here and taking the DD job. Not many people love what they do, and he happens to be like the 1% of working folks who LOVES his job!
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Old 04-25-2006, 04:54 PM   #9
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Re: Am I a bad wife/horrible person?

I say talk to him about it, there's definitely no harm in that...you don't have to make a decision first, just share you thoughts about the pros and cons of both.

For what it's worth...my DH left a steady-paying, stable job that he DIDN'T like to start up his own business...it's been very tough financially, but the benefit of having a husband who is happy is totally worth it.

Life is short...far too short to spend every day doing something you don't really like. We never know what the future holds, I'm a big believer in getting the most out of every day...you need to really LIVE your life, not just work and exist your way through it, kwim?
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Old 04-25-2006, 05:44 PM   #10
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Re: Am I a bad wife/horrible person?

no advice but I moved away from all my family almost 12 years ago and I love it LOL I dont feel obligated to be here or there for holidays etc... it is just my immediate family I have to worry about and it makes trips to visit that much more enjoyable. I am no help LOL
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