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Old 05-31-2008, 03:16 AM   #1
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Need Birthmom input on birthmom meeting

I am going to be meeting our birthmom in Taiwan in about 5 months and I wanted your opinions on somethings. I am very nervous about this and am not sure why. I love her so much and have cried for her several times. She has a very rough life in Taiwan, abusive home, watching her older child suffer, the pain goes way back to her bioparents. Anyways, when I heard her story, my heart broke and I am so happy to meet her for several reasons. Ok, so anyways,
I wanted to know from all you lovely ladies that have been on her side of adoption what is appropriate to bring for her? Here is what my heart says.

I want to write a letter to her, thanking her for her gift to our family, for without him we would not be complete. I want to make her a special necklace, somewhat like my adoption bracelets, that will have meaning and a picture of her son in a special locket attached so that she can see him whenever she wants... (to see the bracelets go to alwaysnaturallyyours.com) they have a meaning for each bead. The meanings were close to my heart and other adoptive mom's hearts that I had talked to over the years so I built it to say such.
Lastly, I want to make her a scrapbook of Josiah's pictures and also some of his room, his animals, his house and us so that she can look at them whenever she wants. And I plan to send pictures to Taiwan a few times a year.
Does anything sound like it would hurt her more than help? Does it all sound ok? I want to bring her my heart and this is what i feel is necessary to do that, but I so don't want to bring her more pain. Any help is appreciated. Thank you all so much. Without you, families like mine would be incomplete and my world would be dark. So, to you I come for answers on this delicate subject.
Sarah k.

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Old 05-31-2008, 07:13 AM   #2
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Re: Need Birthmom input on birthmom meeting

I want to write a letter to her, thanking her for her gift to our family, for without him we would not be complete.

I'm not sure about this. I can't speak for all first mothers, but many I know are really put off by this notion of a gift (including myself). A gift is something that is freely given and very rarely does placing a child fit this definition. I'm guessing if her situation was different, she would have kept her child with her. Anyway, that can be hurtful.

I want to make her a special necklace, somewhat like my adoption bracelets, that will have meaning and a picture of her son in a special locket attached so that she can see him whenever she wants... (to see the bracelets go to alwaysnaturallyyours.com) they have a meaning for each bead. The meanings were close to my heart and other adoptive mom's hearts that I had talked to over the years so I built it to say such.
Lastly, I want to make her a scrapbook of Josiah's pictures and also some of his room, his animals, his house and us so that she can look at them whenever she wants. And I plan to send pictures to Taiwan a few times a year


This all sounds great. As much pain as it causes, all the mothers I know love any information about and pictures of their children. Gotta run.
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Old 05-31-2008, 07:56 AM   #3
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Re: Need Birthmom input on birthmom meeting

Quote:
Originally Posted by seahawk View Post
I want to write a letter to her, thanking her for her gift to our family, for without him we would not be complete.

I'm not sure about this. I can't speak for all first mothers, but many I know are really put off by this notion of a gift (including myself). A gift is something that is freely given and very rarely does placing a child fit this definition. I'm guessing if her situation was different, she would have kept her child with her. Anyway, that can be hurtful.
I'm not a firstmom... I'm an adoptive mom... but wanted to comment..

That's an interesting insight.... altho I would hope that the decision to place a child for adoption is done "freely", I understand that it may be a "choice" that wasn't really a choice... what if it was worded to say, "thank you for the sacrifice(s) you have made so that we could have a family.."? the word sacrifice indicates that it is still of your free will, but it was done out of love and with much pain involved.... or is there another word that would better describe it? You could also thank her for giving your child life (we pray this prayer almost every night when we put Allison to bed... Thank you Lord for "C" and "R" who gave you (Allison) life..." I think I'm also going to add to the prayer, "and the sacrifices they made so that you could become a part of our family."
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Old 06-01-2008, 08:39 PM   #4
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Re: Need Birthmom input on birthmom meeting

I suppose sacrifice is less offensive than gift, but a mother doesn't make the decision to surrender so that you could have a family. She thinks she is doing the best thing for her child, but it is not for you. You are thanking her for the benefit you received. I'm just not sure that "thank you" is appropriate.

There is a big difference between thanking God for her and actually thanking her, especially when you benefitted at her great loss.

I'm glad that you understand the choice that wasn't really a choice idea, but there is also a level of pressure and coercion involved in most adoptions these days that makes it not of free will.

Thanks for being so open about this. I know my writing style is not very smooth and hope this doesn't make me seem like I am being mean, I am just trying to state the facts. My husband said if I would use contractions more, I would seem more friendly! If only it were that easy when you were talking about things like this.
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Old 06-01-2008, 08:49 PM   #5
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Re: Need Birthmom input on birthmom meeting

I just want to say to you for caring so much
being a birthmother, I know the pain and the heartache that goes along with placing a child up for adoption.
I think your intentions are amazing. As a birthmother, i love getting pictures and letters to see how my child is in their home, and how happy they are in the life that i chose to give them with someone else. Granted her lifestyle is much much different than mine, and her reasoning for adoption as well. but her feelings are the same. I think you should write her a letter, and definately give her pictures. She would probably be so thankful and so happy to get them. whenever i get pictures and letters... it brings be to a place of happiness no one can touch. Im sure she would really appreciate it.
and about the bracelet. i think that is an AWESOME idea when my daughter was a few months old my childs adoptive parents sent me a gold necklace with my daughters birthstone (amethist) in it. it was truely a beautiful thing... and i wore that darn thing EVERY day and never took it off... for like 3 years. it was so meaningful to me.
once again. i applaud you for your caring and wonderful heart. she will truely appreciate anything that you do to recognize the gift that she gave you, and the gift of life that you gave her child!
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Old 06-03-2008, 12:38 AM   #6
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Re: Need Birthmom input on birthmom meeting

Thank you for your help "natural mothers and first mothers"(terms thanks to a new friend). Seahawk and Conner's mom, Your ideas and heart have helped me to understand more than I did. I am grateful for your time and love. I will definitely keep her updated with pictures and letters. I send my other son's pictures and updates to the orphanage in hopes his natural mom will come and get them (the orphanage wouldn't let me meet her nor would they let me send them to her). I think of her a lot. When Jer does something wonderful or just smiles, I think "man I wish she wasn't missing this, I hope she is alright". I just wan to give their natural mom's something to hold onto when they want to. Thank you again.
Sarah k
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Old 06-03-2008, 09:44 PM   #7
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Re: Need Birthmom input on birthmom meeting

Sometimes it is easier to forget. Are you sure she wants the contact and pictures. It may be easier for her to forget as best she can.
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Old 06-04-2008, 06:39 AM   #8
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Re: Need Birthmom input on birthmom meeting

No one forgets. The whole getting over it and going on with the rest of your life is a myth.
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Old 06-04-2008, 06:41 AM   #9
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Re: Need Birthmom input on birthmom meeting

Oh, I also wanted to say that Dearonebaby and cravnp99 rock. I really appreciate you being so open minded.
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Old 06-04-2008, 07:41 AM   #10
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Re: Need Birthmom input on birthmom meeting

This is a good thread - I just posted a similar one too.

connorsmama - I feel better now about the idea of giving birthmom a gift after reading your experience. I was wondering what would be appropriate, and anything I thought of seemed awkward, but I like the birthstone idea. Thanks for sharing.
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