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Old 09-24-2006, 06:16 PM   #21
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

My little girl is now 13+ weeks old and a few weeks ago, we went through the same thing. It's compounded by the fact that we also have a toddler and I can't ever seem to get away from both of them at the same time---don't flame me....i LOVE my children dearly, but sometimes I just need a break. Well, my toddler was in bed and the little one was still awake and I handed her off to Daddy and went to Target for a quit errand alone. She SCREAMED the whole time. As soon as she saw me, she smiled and stopped crying. No joke. Today, DH was holding her while I was getting some stuff done around the house and she was giggling and smiling at him. It's a phase and it will pass. The same thing happened when our toddler was little too.

I know he dismisses the whole "he's tense and frustrated and she senses" theory, but I bet a BUNCH of it is that. It sounds like he's really hurt and frustrated by that. It's really tough to turn that off especially when you're standing there listening to her scream, ya know?

I second "The Happiest Baby on the Block" DVD. Soooo worth it. Our first was a difficult one to calm and this DVD taught us how to calm her down. It was amazing how quickly the techniques worked.

I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I know how frustrating it is. Just remember this is a phase and they are little for such a short amount of time. I look at my 2.5 yr old and can't even believe she's actually 2. It's like I blinked and she was 2! Even when your little one is being difficult, enjoy it (try not to roll your eyes at that comment) ---you will look back and remember it as funny and wish they were little again---at least we do!

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Old 09-24-2006, 08:29 PM   #22
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

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Originally Posted by tennesseemom
Hmm, now theres a thought! I will try that tonight and see if it has any effect. At this point, anything is better than nothing!

He is also a smoker. NEVER in the house, and NEVER around her. He always washes his hands and brushes his teeth prior to holding her...but do you think the cigarette smell might be bothering her? He "says" he is going to quit....but I have yet to see any real committment to it.
I think you are on to something mama! Babies are so sensitive to smells - and that is not only a harsh nasty smell, but it can make it difficult to breath!

Washing hands, brushing teeth - a good start - but the smoke is trapped in his clothing (and hair too!). He needs to atleast put on a fresh shirt before holding her - for the sake of her health! Being pressed into smokey clothes is like breathing with your face in an ashtray (atleast that is how *I* feel).

Try having daddy hold her just after he's had a shower. No aftershave, cologne, smoke, etc. Just daddy smell. It may help.

The happiest baby on teh block book has some great techniques. It helped my DH with our super colicky and high needs DS. And it was quick and easy to read - so he actually read it. Also on a side note, chiropractic adjustments seemed to dramatically improve our son's temperment. He was more relaxed and easy going and didn't cry nearly as much - the colic practically disappeared.

ANd jsut know it does get better - many kids go thru that I only want mama phase as infants. For a while my DH was convinced "he hates me!" It is heartbreaking - but it passed, and DS is such a daddy's boy now!
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Old 09-24-2006, 08:52 PM   #23
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

Truthfully both my dd acted like that until they were 3-4 months old. then they did it less but still did it. Couple of idea's. Make the time he is spending with her to be a fun time, not when mommy and daddy are already tired and just getting ready for bed. I used to get mine to sleep then pass them over to dh and that worked pretty well too. Have you tried a sling or baby carrier? Next some babies are just really fussy. Its fortunatly a phase that will pass. Just hang in there and it will get better. One day he will be her whole world!
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Old 09-24-2006, 09:01 PM   #24
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

My husband was great in the first few weeks but then our little girl would cry for me and I would be up all night with her. He worked so it was pretty much the two of us and then he came home and she would want me. Although this was hard for him because he wanted her love he just gave her time to come to him. this meant i had to do everything for the baby and he was cool with her but then he missed me because i was always with her and he kept trying but took a step back. As she got older she would want him and not me and it didnt take long just a couple of months. But it was more work for me and I was so overprotective that i kept her to myself rather than have others help me. Looking back I should have asked for more help from family but we were pretty isolated. My husband also smoked but I think it was more of a mommy baby thing rather than the smoke. I also had a realization that mabe she cried so much because she wasnt content with the breast milk. I have to supplement with my new baby and she is just so much happier I cant believe it. I would never have thought that with my first because she never seemed underfed or anything scary like that.

Hang in there and it will change just ask him to be positive becuase it is hard for you and you need love and support just like he does. Tell him soon he will be trying to give her back to you because she wont stop climing on him!
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Old 09-24-2006, 09:16 PM   #25
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

Oh man have we been there. DH went so far as to saying he wished we had waited to have kids for a few more years! Not that he didn't want Jackson, but he sure didn't want him *now.* It was REALLY bad.

Jackson wasn't a happy baby either. He was born with clubbed feet, so he was in casts from 2 weeks until about 4 months. THAT made everything worse.

But now at 6 months, we've finally gotten into a groove. Really, around 3 months babies kinda do this flip. If ya'll can hold out until then, things will only get better!

AND, the more he's with her, the faster she'll get use to him. I kept trying to tell DH, yes, he's crying, but he's getting used to you. If you give him to me everytime, he's never going to want you. They just have to work through the crying. I know it's hard, but just 30 minutes at a time. And he can even do something he likes. Hold her and watch the football game. If she cries, so be it. I don't think it's letting her cio if he's there, holding her, and trying to comfort her. Some babies just have to learn to get over the fussyness. DS did. We held him constantly and he'd cry and cry. Now at 6 months, he rarely cries at all. He knows we're here and he's safe.
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Old 09-24-2006, 09:17 PM   #26
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

Ditto the smoke and happiest baby on the block comments too! HBOTB was a lifesaver for us. And Praise Baby DVDs!
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Old 09-24-2006, 09:24 PM   #27
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

My two dds were both pretty much attached to me when they were infants, so I just figured it was normal!! 9 weeks is still pretty young, too. I mean, they're still not doing a WHOLE lot at that point, so there's only so much entertaining they're interested in. In my experience, anyway, mine mostly wanted to be held by me or nursed. Wasn't too much else going on.

Actually, my doula talked about the "fourth trimester" - which is in the Happiest Baby on the Block book, which she had read - and said she felt like the first 3 mos after the baby was born you could see the baby, but the baby was still pretty much attached to the mama, literally. I don't think that's considered normal in our culture. And certainly it's hard on the dads who really want to be involved from the very beginning.

Wish I had some great advice....maybe if your dh reads the Happiest Baby book or sees the DVD he'll realize it's probably not about him, but simply a normal infant phase.

to all 3 of you!
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Old 09-24-2006, 09:27 PM   #28
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

I think this is normal, especially if you are breastfeeding. You are providing something that baby already knows no one else can provide and when you aren't there, baby gets upset. My third is very attached to me (at 4 months) and only recently started allowing daddy to spend any time with him. He is still very, very much a momma's boy. Everyone wants to babysit him so we can go out for the evening, but I have no idea how that would work. A., never had a bottle and B. doesn't want to part from me! I hate that your husband is feeling so frustrated but it will stop. She is just very, very young. I say give it a couple more months and see what happens.
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Old 09-24-2006, 09:43 PM   #29
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

Hey
I'm sorry to hear what your going through but it was the same w/ me. My daughter is now 8 months but she cried uncontrollably all the time (ended up being bad acid reflux) My husband was visabally not happy but now things are better and he's finally up for baby number 2. Initially he had said this was it, no more for him. As she's grown though, and can do more he's having more fun with her. It is very tough at first. I feel your pain. He's not the only dad to feel the way he does. My husband felt the same way.
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Old 09-25-2006, 12:04 AM   #30
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

Wow! Your situation sounds so much like what we went through! Our daughter (she is 20 months now) was a very high maintenance baby! She cried all the time and would not fall asleep unless someone was holding her. Usually, that someone was me. I don't think I slept more than 2 hours in a row for at least the first few months after our daughter was born.

She was VERY attached to me, and cried when anyone else held her. My husband got very frustrated and he would complain that she doesn't like him. It really hurt his feelings that she prefered me over him. It is completely different now. She gets so excited if he is coming home from work- sometimes she waits by the front door and refuses to move until he gets home!! LOL She LOVES her daddy so much now- she takes his hand and leads him outside to play whenever she can. LOL Of course, there are still those times when she just wants mommy, but she sees her daddy as this wonderful fun guy.

Just hang in there! Things will get better. And the more your daughter is with her daddy, the more comfortable she will get with him. It just takes time. He may not feel like he is able to do much with her now, or help out that much with her care, but he can contribute in other ways. Encourage him to help during diaper changes and let him know how much you appreciate how he takes care of you and your daughter. I know that made my husband feel better. Just knowing that even though he couldn't do too much to help at the moment- he was still providing very well for us financially, and he would fix dinner or do other chores to try to help out whenever he could.

It will get better!!
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