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Old 09-25-2006, 12:16 AM   #31
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

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Originally Posted by tennesseemom
Hmm, now theres a thought! I will try that tonight and see if it has any effect. At this point, anything is better than nothing!

He is also a smoker. NEVER in the house, and NEVER around her. He always washes his hands and brushes his teeth prior to holding her...but do you think the cigarette smell might be bothering her? He "says" he is going to quit....but I have yet to see any real committment to it.
I didn't get further than this post, but this is definitely part of the problem. I can smell it on people, so I know your daughter can. He should be taking a shower, if nothing else, putting on a clean shirt before he holds her.

Is it different when he's fresh from a shower (without smoking) . . . ?? I bet she reacts differently.

In addition, I agree with the others, she prefers you know because you are her life. Literally. If you are bfing, you are her nourishment, and she remembers you from when she was in the womb. She will grow into loving him too. My DD is going through a phase now (at 14 months) where she will see Daddy and start yelling "DA" and running toward him. She also says "daddydaddydaddydaddy" all the time!!! But, when she's tired or hungry, it's me she wants.

Good luck Mama!! Tell him to quit smoking! LOL!! If nothing else, put on a clean shirt before holding her, hopefully that will help.

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Old 09-25-2006, 11:55 AM   #32
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

Tell your husband it will get better as she gets older, and to look at it this way...you carried her inside you for 9 months, and for that period of time, you were the only thing she knew. She knew your breathing rhythms, your voice, your hearbeat, your scent, and she was literally a part of you. I read something recently that says up until a certain age (and I'm not sure what it is) babies don't really realize that they have a complete and separate identity from their mother --and for the first few months, especially, I think there's probably something to that (though I don't know how they made this determination since you can't ask a baby whether or not she has her own identity... )

So when she is separated from you, it's like she is missing a part of herself. It's evolutionary...it's natural. Look at the mommies in nature...for the first weeks of their babies lives, whent they are helpless, it's mama they're attached to (sometimes literally). Mama is the source of food, comfort, safety. As your daughter gets older and begins smiling and cooing and laughing and playing, she'll begin to recognize her daddy as a source of great fun, and also come to associate him with some of the same things she associates you with...safety, comfort. He's just got to give her time and patience. Are the other "happy" babies he sees with their daddies as young as your DD?

My younger DS is a mama's boy...for the first few months, hardly anyone could console him. And even now, when he's especially hungry or tired, it's usually me he wants. But for playtime, Daddy is the greatest! He always gives him a big huge smile.

Good luck, and to you and your family.
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Old 09-26-2006, 06:30 PM   #33
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

I replied to your other posting in the breastfeeding thread...I feel strongly you should try seeing if she is crying due to your diet something you are eating, my son was like this and forever cried as an infant until I learned what his allergies were....but I have also known the types of babies that are only happy with one person or being held or just plain tempramental but couldn't hurt trying to see if she may be effected by your diet...just a thought
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Old 09-26-2006, 06:41 PM   #34
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

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Maybe the baby is picking up your husbands frustration with her and she can feel his tension when he holds her.

This is what I am thinking too. It was the opposite for me and my first. The more frustrated I got the more the baby cried, then DH would come home and he is always so patient that she would calm down immediately. Made me feel terrible that my own baby didn't like me, but it really had nothing to do with that, she could just sense that I was tense. I don't know how to tell you or DH how he can get past this, because obviously he is just going to have to try to relax and enjoy her. Maybe he can lay in the floor or on the bed w/ her so she doesn't feel him and just coo and talk to her. Maybe they will get to know eachother better and he can relax more w/ her.

Good luck mamma, things will get better as the baby gets older.She will be daddy's little girl before you know it.
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Old 09-27-2006, 01:23 PM   #35
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

One of my gfs told me that both her girls were mama's girls until they hit about 1 yo. Then, it was all about daddy. We are finally seeing this with my ds.

For basically his entire first year, he only wanted me. DH thought that since we were bfing, and he wasn't able to feed bottles, that there was nothing he could do for ds when he was upset. I would sometimes catch him not even really trying anything - just holding him while ds screamed (even when ds was not hungry). DH would get so frusterated - he wanted a son SO badly, and he was convinced that this tiny little baby had completely failed to bond with him. Now, the first thing ds says every morning when he wakes up is "Dada?" - he wants to know if Dada is home that morning.

Every once in a while, dh and ds will be playing, and ds won't come to me, and it breaks my heart and thrills me at the same time. I am so glad that they are close now, and I am a little sad that he's not just my little boy anymore (and sometimes that nasty little voice in my head says that I'm not a good enough mama and that he likes my dh better now because of that)! But I get a little taste of how dh felt all those months, and I really do sympathize with him.
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Old 09-27-2006, 02:00 PM   #36
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

Before my daughter was 2 months old, she also always seemed to be unhappy, even when I was holding her. Around 2 months when she started smiling, she was able to sit in a bouncy seat for a longer period of time without crying (before, she could hardly go a minute). She is now almost 3 1/2 months and has the same issues with my husband that you are describing. In the last week she has been getting better. She will sit on his lap and look at him and study him, sometimes smiling at him. So maybe in a little more time, she will get better.

But even when it does get better, you have to be ready for it to happen again. My son went through 2 stages of separation anxiety, one at around 9 months and another sometime after a year (around 15 months I think). This is all completely normal. My son didn't want to have much to do with my husband till he was around 2 years old.

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Old 09-28-2006, 01:55 PM   #37
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

Thanks everyone, so much for all your suggestions, encouragment and support. I don't know what I would do without this forum!

I'm happy to report that things have improved a little. My husband spent the last 4 days spending MORE time with Emma, and instead of handing her off to me whenever she cried, he worked through it. Sometimes that meant walking around with her for 30 minutes, other times just letting her cry while he held her and cuddled her. As I write this, she is napping on his chest! She still gets fussy without me, but she is getting more used to him. I hope it continues!
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Old 09-28-2006, 03:16 PM   #38
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

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Originally Posted by tennesseemom View Post
I'm happy to report that things have improved a little. My husband spent the last 4 days spending MORE time with Emma, and instead of handing her off to me whenever she cried, he worked through it. Sometimes that meant walking around with her for 30 minutes, other times just letting her cry while he held her and cuddled her. As I write this, she is napping on his chest! She still gets fussy without me, but she is getting more used to him. I hope it continues!
give your hubby a gold medal!
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Old 09-28-2006, 03:29 PM   #39
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

Great!! I think it only gets better for the dads as the kids get older. I think maybe it's a big shock to the guys when it isn't just easy. Honestly, there are lots of things about parenting that aren't "fun" - being wakened many times to bf during the night comes to mind in particular, probably because I'm remembering and getting ready for this new babe! But we hang in there (and hopefully get LOTS of support) because we are parents, and because our kids deserve that from us. It isn't always easy, and it doesn't always come naturally. Sometimes it's a lot of work, and it requires us as human beings to grow a LOT. It's wonderful, it's incredibly rewarding, and it's all worth it, but it can be hard work sometimes! At least, in my experience. And somehow, I think men don't really think about that; they kind of expect it to be easy, of for the kids to just sort of fit into regular life, maybe? And didn't we all start out with all these ideas and expectations of how it was going to be - and how many of us weren't surprised?! I am the oldest of 8 and spent a lot of time caring for my younger siblings (from the time they were infants on up), so I had a lot of experience with kids. But I still don't think there's anything that can really prepare you for having your own, and for being on call 24/7.

Anyway, that was a bit of a ramble! Just really wanted to say that I'm glad things are getting easier for you guys!
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Old 09-28-2006, 03:51 PM   #40
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Re: Hubby not happy with baby...what to do?

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Originally Posted by tennesseemom View Post
I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but at times I sure feel like it!

My daughter is 9 weeks old, and she is very attached to me. She typically isn't happy being held or cared for by anyone BUT me. If I leave the room, she cries almost immediately.
Well, my husband finally got frustrated today with it all. He tries so hard to spend time with her...hold her, rock her, play with her...but she is only content for a few moments before she starts crying and will NOT stop.
Sometimes I leave her with him to take a shower or clean; and she will cry the whole time. So far, my husband has been good about just sticking with it until I come back.
Well, today she was at it again. She was balling in his arms, and he tried everything to get her to calm down (including all the techniques I use with her) and nothing worked. Finally, he gives me this look and when I asked what was wrong, he says:
"She is just burning me out! All she does with me is cry. This stinks! I'm not enjoying this. She is ruining fatherhood for me."
I heard this and my heart just about broke in two. Part of me was hurt, and the other part angry. He just doesn't seem to have any patience for her anymore, and when he DOES take her, you can see in his face that he isn't happy about it.

He also commented "I don't know, I see other babies with their dads and they are so happy. I guess I just figured my own daughter would enjoy being with me."
So I get the impression he thinks this is something only HE is going through, and a pattern that will last forever.

*I also want to add that my daughter cries pretty much all the time. She is not a laid-back, happy-go-lucky baby. But, the Pediatrician says it has nothing to do with her health...its just her temperment.

Anyways; I guess I am just looking for some support or words of encouragment for BOTH of us. I'm to the point where I would almost rather let her cry in her bassinett than give her to her daddy, because he seems to be so afraid of her.

Any thoughts, advice or stories are appreciated!
OMG..this sounds just like BOTH of my DDs!!!! Especially DD #2!!! She just doesn't want much to do with her daddy and does EVERY THING you talked a/b!!!!!! I mean it sounds like you are talking a/b Maddy to a T!!!! I can say it does eventually get better. Maddy is just starting to be comfortable around her daddy. She doesn't cry most times now when I leave her with him. It just takes patience on both parts. I don't really know what it is but he acts just like your hubby! Hopefully both of them will come around soon!!!!
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