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Old 09-27-2006, 01:34 PM   #1
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Second baby?

DH & I wanted to have our children close together. DS is now a year old, and prior to having him, I had thought that we'd be ready to ttc by now, if not before.

But I am having a heck of a time actually deciding to take the plunge. DH is all for it - but he spends the day at the office. I am the one who juggles diapers and nursing and playing and trying to work from home. And I am the one who is up all night with ds, or up all night working because I've been taking care of ds all day instead of getting work done. I have a hard time pinpointing where the extra time to take care of another baby is going to come from...

Also, and really, probably more importantly, I am really worried that having a second baby is somehow going to take something away from ds. I grew up in a big family, and it's not like I felt permenately jilted (well, ok I did, but I think I would have even without brothers and sisters - lol), but I am worried that he will get less cuddles and less kisses and less nursing...and it makes me so sad for him!

Is it always this hard to decide to go for #2? I told dh that I was not ever going to be in my last trimester in August in CA again, so we have this coming month to TTC, otherwise we will be waiting until spring. I hate to put it off just because I am being silly - it took us a long time to get pg with ds, and I really don't want to tempt fate.

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Old 09-27-2006, 01:53 PM   #2
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Re: Second baby?

Hugs mama!!! I feel like I have more love to give! All my kids love adding more babies. I said this is the last one....#8!!! ...and the kids say no mom!!! We have to have 12!!
lol

My kids all love each other and I always felt jipped having 1 sister that never got along with me!!

It is a big decision! I hope you feel better soon. I think your son would love a playmate!
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Old 09-27-2006, 02:32 PM   #3
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Re: Second baby?

Quote:
Originally Posted by aschrimp
DH & I wanted to have our children close together. DS is now a year old, and prior to having him, I had thought that we'd be ready to ttc by now, if not before.

But I am having a heck of a time actually deciding to take the plunge. DH is all for it - but he spends the day at the office. I am the one who juggles diapers and nursing and playing and trying to work from home. And I am the one who is up all night with ds, or up all night working because I've been taking care of ds all day instead of getting work done. I have a hard time pinpointing where the extra time to take care of another baby is going to come from...

Also, and really, probably more importantly, I am really worried that having a second baby is somehow going to take something away from ds. I grew up in a big family, and it's not like I felt permenately jilted (well, ok I did, but I think I would have even without brothers and sisters - lol), but I am worried that he will get less cuddles and less kisses and less nursing...and it makes me so sad for him!

Is it always this hard to decide to go for #2? I told dh that I was not ever going to be in my last trimester in August in CA again, so we have this coming month to TTC, otherwise we will be waiting until spring. I hate to put it off just because I am being silly - it took us a long time to get pg with ds, and I really don't want to tempt fate.
Lol! I don't think you're silly! I had my first at the end of August and haven't had another that time of year again (luckily.. none of ours have really been 'planned'). It's TOO HOT to have a baby!
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Old 09-27-2006, 03:06 PM   #4
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Re: Second baby?

It can be hard to decide how close or not close in age you want your children to be. My oldest was 3 when I got pregnant w/ the 2nd and about 3 1/2 when I delivered. It was nice because she was potty trained already and could do a lot for herself, she understood the baby was coming and was truely excited. I am about to have my 3rd, and my 2nd is only 15 mo old so she doesn't really understand, she has started pointing to my belly and saying baby but that is it for her. I will have 2 in diapers, and 2 that don't walk (although my 15 mo has taken a few steps she doesn't walk well yet) so this is going to be a big challenge. Plus I do feel like she has kind of been jipped out of being the baby, but it is funny she has always had a middle child attitude, she is very boisterous and lets us know she is around. So maybe it is just meant to be.

I have been on both sides, I have to say having them a little farther a part was much nicer, I got a lot of time w/ ODD. But I think as the younger 2 get older they will be close because they will have more in common because they are close in age. So their are pros and cons to both. I hope you and DH can agree on a good age spread. And I know what you mean about being preg in the summer, I have a Nov baby, a July baby (born in MO so it was way hot there), and now an Oct baby. I have been preg w/ everyone of them in the summer and it stinks. I guess we just have bad timing. LOL But we took what we could get, it took us 3 yrs to get preg w/ the first.
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Old 09-28-2006, 08:44 AM   #5
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Re: Second baby?

I only have one child, but dd is now 1 and I'm feeling the same way you are. DD's b-day is Sep 1st, so I understand the summer heat problem too! I have been thinking a lot about having another one, but I don't want to "cheat" dd of time being the baby. She is still nursing and cosleeping and there just isn't room in our double bed for another person (even a small one). We would really need to get her out of our bed before having another and she doesn't seem at all inclined to leave any time soon.

I'm the oldest of three and am 8 years older than my sister and 12 older than my brother. I have never really connected with them because of the age differences. We get along, but we aren't really "friends" yet (one is still in high school and the other in college).

I would really like to have kids closer in age so that they can have a bond. I don't know what the answer is either! I'm thinking we will try when dd is about 18-24 months. I stopped taking bc pills, so I guess we aren't preventing now, but we aren't trying either. With dd in the bed, there is very little chance of conceiving without more actively trying!
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Old 09-28-2006, 09:26 AM   #6
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Re: Second baby?

I too waffled on this...and was quite frankly annoyed when i tried to research it, and didn't like the answers i found.....

From a physical/biological perspective, spacing is best from 3-5 years...this is backed up by numerous studies which have shown higher health risks when you have children closer than 3 yrs, or further apart than 5.

From a psychological/emotional point of view, most of the AP experts recommend a spacing of at LEAST 3 years...this is to allow each child to have their own time to be the baby, and have mom and dad's undivided attention, so the parents truly hsave enough time and energy to parent in the best possible manner....

Also, as i did more research, I became convinced that human children need human milk for a MINIMUM of 2 yrs.....so doing anything to jeopardize that milk supply prior to 2 yrs is not in the child's best interest. This means that the spacing certainly can't be closer than about 3 years....

I had wanted children closer together, but as i kept reading, the only "pro" to spacing them cloee together was the possibility that they will somehow be "closer/more bonded, etc" if they are closer in age.

All of the other evidence i have been able to come up with shows that at least a 3 year spacing is optimal.....

Of course, there are many factors....religious/personal beliefs about birth control, financial considerations, age and health factors, fertility factors, personal life goals, parenting style and beliefs about what a child "deserves", and a whole myriad of other things.

*sigh*
i'm conflicted right now, because we were supposed to get pg in the next month or two...but i sort of dont want to.....i *finally* have my life back, and am not looking forward to the whole baby thing again.....9 months of feeling like crap (hyperemesis and various complications of pregnancy), a horrific labor that shattered my preconceptions of how bad PAIN could be, and then 2 years on not getting sleep more than an hour or two at a time, bad BF problems, a child with "high-needs".....

I sympathize, OP, my DH also is ready for another...but he wasn't the one getting up 4-5 times a night for well over a year....he gets to go to work while i stay at home with a child who, although i know better, at times seems truly out to just make me as mad as possible and to destroy or ruin whatever she can get her hands on.....I have to also work around his schedule and her needs and make sure i put in my 15 hours of paid work in a week or we starve.....

Of course...babies are super cute nd lovable and children are wonderful gifts and despite all the difficulties, i get more joy from my dd than i ever dreamed possible.....

But it is difficult, and we also had fertility troubles....so the whole "not tempting fate" thing resnates with me too....
sigh
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Old 09-28-2006, 03:17 PM   #7
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Re: Second baby?

Well...we aren't doing anything to prevent pregnancy, like a pp, but with a baby in the bed (who nurses all night long still), we aren't getting much action either, and we had to really *try* to get pg with ds - temping and charting for months. So I *doubt* anything on the pregnancy front is going to happen unless we really decide we want it to.

I haven't had any supply issues, so I had planned on bfing through my pg and tandem nursing (that is another thing I am a little afraid I will miss out on if I wait too long, actually). But I do know that when you get pg your supply can drop dramatically, and ds is definately still a very happy (and frequent) nurser, so that is definately something to consider. He really isn't eating enough solids to handle a drop in supply yet. And with his recent anemia that we just found out about, I am not sure I want to put any more demands on my body until we get his health all worked out.

I think we will be waiting at least until spring to re-evaluate. I really should just stop worring about it and let nature take it's course, since if I do that, I doubt we'd get pg anyway, and it would save me from having to stress over a decision - kwim?
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Old 09-28-2006, 03:27 PM   #8
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Re: Second baby?

I hear ya!

I'm in the same boat (well actually I wanted my kids far apart, still do, but now i'm wondering if further apart is better. lol)

It's funny about what boandjess99 said about spacing. I came up with that one on my own. After miranda was born i just thought it would be better if they had thier own baby time of about 3-5 years before throwing more into the mix. lol I have a friend who had her children close together (or what i consider close together 2 years) and thought my reasoning behind having them further apart was a good one. lol

I also read somewhere (baby magazine) recently that it's not healthy to get pregnant soon after having a baby (they say atleast 18 months) I guess it increases your risk of low birthweight baby and a trouble pregnancy.

Good luck in the spring time!
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Old 09-28-2006, 04:18 PM   #9
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Re: Second baby?

Me too! 3 years apart seems like good spacing, 4 ideally in my 'gut' feeling. Unfortunately I'll be 34 then, and DH almost 40. Oh well. I just don't think I can go through the first year (or really the first 16 months...DS is 16 months hee hee) again. Like you, I worry that once I get 'my life' back, it'll start all over with another baby. I really don't know how people do it. I never wanted an only child (I was one) but I don't wanna have another either!

I feel for you! Sounds like you came to a good decision already!
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Old 09-28-2006, 09:27 PM   #10
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Re: Second baby?

All very valid questions. Did you stop loving your husband when you had your first child? I can promise you, loving your child less will not happen. (Though we always worry about that one!) If anything, my daughter (who is 27 months) has more love because she loves her little brother so much!

As someone else who works from home and has two close in age (18 months apart) your husband will have to start getting up to help with the second. I was in the same boat as you, but there's just no way you can do everything on your own.

I love having two, though I will admit it is hard. I guess I never realized how "easy" I had it until I brought another one into the mix! But, that being said, I love my son. He's now 8 months old and it is fun to see my babies interact!
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