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Old 06-22-2008, 09:27 PM   #1
Kinrice01
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suggestions? Little girl afraid of DH

Hi ladies,

We just received our first fost-adopt placement. I am trying not to get too overly excited as there is always a good chance she will go home to the birth mom. But, we want to do all we can for her while she is with us. She came to us 3 days ago, almost 3 years old, she is doing fine with me in fact she stays close to me and is like my little shadow. But she is so scared of my husband and my oldest son who is 15. There was no known abuse but I am thinking there must've been some. If DH even looks at her or tries to talk to her she shuts down and won't look at him, covers her eyes, hides in the corner, cries, looks downward or too the side, etc... same thing with my DS.

Anyone have any tips on how to break through this without pushing too much? She is so sweet and pretty, I just want my DH to have a chance to bond with her as well.

Thanks!
Kindra

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Old 06-22-2008, 10:14 PM   #2
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Re: suggestions? Little girl afraid of DH

Awwww Poor little girl. She must have been frightened by men at some point and your Dh gets to pay the price.
I know this has happened to a few of the foster moms on fosterparents.com they seem to have come across just about everything at one time or another.
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Old 06-22-2008, 10:22 PM   #3
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Re: suggestions? Little girl afraid of DH

Awe...the poor little thing. Its going to take some time. Just be patient and super sweet to her. She will come around, I bet!

Have your DH talk to her from across the room and smile to her, etc. without getting too close to her. She may not look at him, and she may hide, but eventually she will realize that he is a big teddy bear and he is not going to hurt her. He could even sit down and pretend to play tea party or dolls on the floor with you, and maybe she would join in?? Catch her interest, without confronting her to play.

I have often thought about being a foster parent. It must be so rewarding!
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Old 06-22-2008, 10:23 PM   #4
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Re: suggestions? Little girl afraid of DH

Poor girl. It really makes you wonder.

I don't have any advice, but hugs for you and the little girl.
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Old 06-22-2008, 10:29 PM   #5
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Re: suggestions? Little girl afraid of DH

The most important thing is not to push her to accept them.

If she feels safe with you then just let her be your shadow. Your DH and DS can earn her trust by giving her time and space.

Obviously this child doesn't trust men, but she can learn to accept the men in your life if she's given time to see that they are trustworthy.

Good luck!
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Old 06-22-2008, 10:39 PM   #6
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Re: suggestions? Little girl afraid of DH

I agree with all that has been said above. Give her time. She will learn to trust them because she will see them acting trustworthy.

Give her lots of love. Love can heal a lot of hurts.
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Old 06-24-2008, 10:46 AM   #7
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Re: suggestions? Little girl afraid of DH

thank you for the suggestions! We have just been taking it slow, she is such a sweetie and just adorable! I will try fosterparents.com too.
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Old 06-24-2008, 10:59 AM   #8
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Re: suggestions? Little girl afraid of DH

I agree with the others to let her come to them, not them to her. My dd1 is about the same age and very shy around strangers. To help her warm up, we have the guests do things she loves - read her favorite book, throw a ball, etc. Oh, and food always works. She's a snack-a-holic so having the guests offer her some goldfish helps too. Maybe your dh can prepare her plate and cut her food while she's watching to start out, then gradually work towards things that require closer contact. Also, for non swimming children, I've heard that taking them swimming helps (though I'd make sure it's the right time for her, it might scare her if she's not used to it). Since they can't swim, they have to hang on to you, and then learn to trust that you won't let them go.
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Old 06-24-2008, 02:22 PM   #9
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Re: suggestions? Little girl afraid of DH

Was there a man (father figure) in her life at all? Alot of times adopted children that come from orphanages are scared of men because they've never been around them before. Most of the time its just ladies that work in the orphanages so they've never seen men before. If she's never been around a male before she may be uncomfortable just because she's not familiar with men. Don't push her to interact with him. She will come around but she's got to know that she can trust the boys.
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Old 06-25-2008, 10:02 PM   #10
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Re: suggestions? Little girl afraid of DH

Thanks... we are taking it slow, every once in awhile I see a little bit of progress made.
Her bm had a live-in boyfriend for the past 10 months, and fd has a grandpa she loves.. but those are the only men in her life I believe.
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